In this all new exclusive series, The UnReal Times presents transcripts of the most successful job interviews at various media houses. We covered The New York Times earlier. Now we’ll look at a job interview in India TV.
On a busy day in Noida, young Narendra waits outside the India TV building with his resume and other documents. He is stopped by the security guards for a minute, during which BJP President Amit Shah walks out of the premises. The guards stand in attention saluting Shah, and after he is out of sight, they relax and let Narendra in.
As Narendra walks briskly from the gate to the building, he sees a cow shed to his left. A couple of cows are being garlanded and worshiped. When he steps through the front door, a pretty receptionist in an orange saree greets him with “Namaste” and asks him to take a seat on the orange sofa after glancing through his resume. Two other candidates are seated in the adjoining sofa. A circular lotus pond, lit with oil lamps sits in the middle. Portraits of Swami Vivekananda, Veer Savarkar, Pandit Deen Dayal Upadhyaya and others adorn the wall. A bunch of agarbattis at the edge of the receptionist’s desk give off fragrant smoke.
The receptionist presses a buzzer, following which an attendant comes in with a tray of drinks.
Attendant: Which one would you prefer, sir? Mirinda or Fanta?
Narendra opts for Mirinda and gulps it down quickly, while the other two go for Fanta. Within a minute, the receptionist gets a phone call.
Receptionist: Sameer!
Sameer: Yes, ma’am?
Receptionist: You were previously with The UnReal Times, right?
Sameer: That’s right, ma’am!
Receptionist: Great! Then you’re straightaway through to the HR round, which will mainly be a discussion on your salary package. Since you’re from URT, we have no doubts about your story-writing skills, so no questions there. Please go straight to the HR manager’s room.
Sameer (delighted): Thank you, ma’am! (gets up and heads to the HR manager’s room)
Receptionist (smiles): You’re welcome! (looks into her desktop monitor): Narendra?
Narendra (gets up): Yes, ma’am?
Receptionist: Your first round will be in room number 1, where you’ll be asked various questions on program managing and if you clear that, your next round will be story-writing round. If you clear that, you’ll have to go to the HR for salary negotiation. Clear?
Narendra (nods): Yes, ma’am. Thank you!
Receptionist (smiles): Good luck!
Narendra knocks on the door of room #1.
Voice from inside the room: Come in!
Narendra (opens the door and is stunned): Oh! Na…Namaste Rajatji! It’s an honor to meet you!
Rajat Sharma: Dhanyawaad. Aayiye, baithiye! [Thank you. Come, sit!]
Narendra (extends his resume): Thank you, Rajatji!
Rajat Sharma (smiles): Aap ka naam to Narendra hai. Shuru mein hi aap ne sixer maar diya! [Your name is Narendra. You've hit a sixer off the first ball!]
Narendra: Hehe!
Rajat Sharma: Okay, yeh round bahut simple hai [This round is very simple]. This will test how good you are at program management. I will give you a list of personalities. Assume they will all be coming to Aap Ki Adalat. Now you’ve gotta level 4 ilzaams [accusations] against each one of them. Okay?
Narendra: Yes, sir.
Rajat Sharma: Toh chaliye, shuru karte hai Narendraji ke mukkadama! [So come, let's start Narendraji's trial!]
Narendra: Hehe!
Rajat Sharma: Narendra Modi is coming to Aap Ki Adalat. What ilzaams [accusations] will you level against him?
Narendra:
1. Losing popularity
2. Taskmaster
3. Remains silent
4. Obsessed with catchphrases
Rajat Sharma: Nice! Isse kehte hain just pass [This is called just pass]. Arvind Kejriwal?
Narendra (smiles): Yeh hui na baat! [Now you're talking!]
1. Rules like a dictator
2. Uses and throws people
3. Defends tainted ministers
4. Too much drama
Rajat Sharma (applauds): Hahaha! Bahut khoob! [Terrific!] Smriti Irani?
Narendra:
1. Courts controversy
2. Strict approach
3. Opportunistically switched careers.
4. Sets unrealistic objectives
Rajat Sharma: Excellent! Had you mentioned Yale degree, fake affidavit or anything like that, this interview would have ended right here. Okay, how about Salman Khan?
Narendra:
1. Monotonous
2. Can’t control emotions
3. Still single
4. Favoritism
Rajat Sharma: Lovely. I thought you’d accidentally mention something about driving or blackbucks, but you’re good! Last one – Digvijaya Singh
Narendra:
1. Philanderer
2. Loyal to dynasty
3. Forged documents.
4. Makes sexist comments.
Rajat Sharma: Wah re wah! Behtareen! [Wow! Excellent!]
Narendra (smiles): Thank you sir!
Rajat Sharma: Haha, usually I’m the vakeel [lawyer], but this time I’m the judge. Aur aaj judge ka faisla yeh hai ki you’re through to the story-writing round [And today, the judge's decision is that you're through]
Narendra (delighted): Thank you sir! Thank you so much!
Narendra shakes hands with Rajat Sharma and heads to room 2.
Interviewer: Aayiye [Come], please have a seat!
Narendra: Thank you, sir!
Interviewer: So this is the final round. Is round mein aap ko ek news report likhna hai [In this round you have to write a news report]. It has to be in the league of our most legendary story. Do you know what that is?
Narendra: Yes sir! Aliens kidnapping a pig in Gurgaon!
Interviewer: Exactly! So, in half an hour, write a story in that league, set in Bengaluru.
Narendra picks up his pen, sits and racks his brains for a good 10 minutes, before pouncing upon an idea. He starts writing briskly. At the end of 25 minutes, Narendra submits his article.
Interviewer (surprised, receives the paper): Done? Wow! Let me read.
Dinosaurs get stranded in Bangalore traffic
(Image via gulte.com)
T-Rex and Bronto, a couple of dinosaurs found themselves stranded in heavy, slow-moving traffic, at Bangalore’s Silk Board junction on Monday morning.
Officials from Bannerghatta National Park, who came to the aid of the dinosaurs and freed them following a half an hour ordeal, said that the ancient giants’ feet were trapped on the busy road, amidst vehicles.
“Bangalore’s traffic has become so dense that even the all-towering dinosaurs couldn’t get past Silk Board junction. According to our GPS tracker, they’re heading towards KR Puram now. We’ve dispatched another team near Tin Factory, should the dinos get stranded over there again,” a forest official told India TV.
But why did dinosaurs to land in Bangalore in the first place? “Well, we don’t know, but who doesn’t love Bangalore’s weather, yaar? I bet every pound that the dinos are loving it too!” the official laughed.
Interviewer: Hahahaha! Excellent! You just nailed it.
Narendra (smiles): Thank you, sir!
Interviewer: Well, I have nothing more to say. Welcome to India TV, Narendraji!
Narendra (delighted, gets up to shake hands): Thank you so much, sir!
Interviewer: You start next Monday. Amit bhai Shah will be visiting our office to meet you personally and guide you further.
Narendra: Thank you sir!
Narendra exits the office, collecting prashad from the brahmin at the cow stable outside the building and heads home with a spring in his step.