In an alternate universe, Arvind Kejriwal’s Aam Aadmi Party scores a terrific victory in the 2014 elections, and forms a minority government at the center with the support of a few other parties keen to keep communal forces at bay. Prime Minister Kejriwal is then faced with the biggest challenge of his life…
Day 1:
A giant alien mothership enters the earth’s orbit and deploys several massive saucer shaped spacecraft over Earth’s prominent cities. One of these saucer shaped spacecrafts hovers over Delhi, Independence Day style.
Excited that an alien race is reaching out to the human race, Prime Minister Kejriwal puts on his whitest aam aadmi hat, and along with a retinue of AAP volunteers waits at Ramlila maidan to welcome the alien delegation to earth. The alien saucer, however, doesn’t respond.
Bored, the AAP volunteers put up a makeshift stage and sing patriotic songs, taking a break every now and then to shout slogans against Mukesh Ambani and his agents in BJP and Congress. After a while, Arvind Kejriwal takes the microphone and begins singing a remixed version of Manna Dey’s popular number. “Insaan ka alien se ho bhaichara…” he sings with feeling, while AAP members hold hands and sway gently.
Fifteen seconds into the song, the center of the alien spacecraft’s underside suddenly shifts, and with a grating sound, slowly grinds open to reveal a pentagonal hole. As the AAP volunteers watch in open-mouthed amazement, five blindingly white beams of light converge at the center of the pentagonal hole to form a white hot beam of pure energy that strikes down at the makeshift stage on Ramlila maidan. The stage explodes, but the alert Delhi policemen are quick to haul Arvind Kejriwal out of the ground, amidst fleeing AAP volunteers.
Day 2:
After laying waste to vast areas of Lutyens Delhi, the alien spacecraft goes back into hibernation mode, seemingly waiting for the humans to make their move.
And Arvind Kejriwal doesn’t disappoint. He retaliates with everything he’s got.
He calls for a press conference.
“According to these papers, an alien ship crash landed five years ago when Congress was in power,” he declares, holding aloft a sheaf of papers. “Why didn’t the Congress take action back then? And why was the BJP silent? Is it because they were both paid off by the aliens?”
Kejriwal goes on to file an FIR on the aliens, and follows up with letters to both Rahul Gandhi and Narendra Modi asking them to explain their respective positions vis-a-vis the aliens. Journalist turned AAP leader Ashutosh twists the knife further in. “Why is the Modi silent about alions???” he tweets.
Meanwhile Indian armed forces seek permission from the government to take up positions across the length and breadth of Delhi. Prashant Bhushan calls for a press conference and insists that there must be a referendum on whether the people of Delhi indeed want army to be deployed.
Kejriwal, on the other hand, goes on a dharna outside Rail Bhavan, demanding that the aliens stop attacking them and vacate the city. The armed forces are forced to abandon their retaliation plans and instead take positions around the Prime Minister to provide him security.
Day 3:
Kejriwal concludes his dharna, declares it successful and gets himself admitted to Yashoda hospital. The AAP government, meanwhile, terms Prashant Bhushan’s objections as his personal opinion, and clears the way for a retaliatory strike.
Fighter jets dot the skies, launching missiles at the massive alien spacecraft. The mission is a complete failure. The spacecraft’s force shield renders the missiles useless, and the jets begin to run out of missiles. Then, a large hatch in the body of the alien spacecraft opens, and a horde of tiny alien fighter planes zoom out and begin attacking the Indian jets. The battle is one-sided, and the airforce is defeated. The only consolation is the capture of an injured alien, who’s taken to a top secret facility and held captive in a glass enclosure.
PM Kejriwal decides to speak to the alien to figure out the invaders’ intentions. After vehemently arguing with the security personnel that he doesn’t need them and that his life isn’t in danger in any way, Kejriwal accepts their services anyway and walks towards the glass enclosure holding the alien.
“Are you the Prime Minister?” the alien asks in a deep baritone that echoes around the room.
“Mein Prime Minister nahi, mein aam aadmi hoon,” Kejriwal responds without hesitation [I am not a Prime Minister, I’m an aam aadmi]
“I wish to speak to your Prime Minister. Who is your leader?”
The others point to Kejriwal. The alien blinks, confused, but decides to plow ahead anyway.
“Do you speak on behalf of your world?”
“Sir, meri aukaat kya hai? Mein bahaut chota aadmi hoon!” retorts Kejriwal. [Sir, what is my standing? I’m a very small man]
“But haven’t your people chosen you as their leader?”
“Arey leader kaun ban-na chahta hai? Mein leader ban-ne nahi, desh ko badalne aaya hoon!” [Who wants to be leader? I didn’t come to become a leader, I came to change the country]
By now, the alien has had enough. “F*** my life,” it mutters. Then, its tentacles wrap around its neck and squeeze hard. Moments later, the alien utters a choked gasp, and collapses to the floor.
Day 4:
PM Kejriwal unleashes a series of measures to tackle the alien menace. He launches an anti-alien helpline that would teach callers how to conduct a sting operation to catch an alien red-handed in the act of attacking a human. He converts the wreckages of downed fighter jets into night shelters for the homeless. He announces audit of all domestic companies supplying defence equipment. The Aam Aadmi Party facebook page is at its busiest, churning out videos of all these measures to the beats of a remixed tune of vande mataram, ending with a link to the party’s donation page.
“Has any government in the past 60 years done so much against aliens in so little time?” Kejriwal hollers.
Kejriwal then unveils his big-bang initiatives against the aliens – the JanAlienPal and the Defence Swaraj bill. The JanAlienPal would try every corrupt alien and its human accomplice in the BJP and Congress within three months and sentence him or her to a life term if found guilty. The Defence Swaraj bill on the other hand will transfer money directly to the mohalla sabhas instead of giving it to the armed forces. Each mohalla sabha can then directly decide the means through which they wish to defend themselves instead of the government deciding for them. “Each mohalla sabha will be given the funds to buy their own fighter jets. This is true democracy!” Kejriwal declares.
Kejriwal calls for an emergency session of the Parliament two days later in a public ground to pass the two bills.
Day 5:
The alien spacecraft comes alive, and it slowly moves, systematically obliterating yet another Delhi locality. The army commanders and airforce personnel prepare for another wave of attack on the alien ship.
AAP volunteers get into the act. At various army camps, they barge into the command centers, and tell the army commanders to adopt specific tactics and formations.
Kejriwal himself takes to the streets. Like Bill Pullman in Independence Day, Kejriwal grabs a loudspeaker and steps amidst the soldiers to give a stirring speech.
“Mera naam Arvind Kejriwal hai. Do din pehle, Anna ji ke netrutva mein humne anshan kiya. Humne bas itna hi manga ki humein attack na karen. Lekin yeh brasht aliens ne humein attack kiya. Yeh aliens humein loot-te rahenge. In aliens se sirf ek hi aadmi bacha sakta hai, woh hai is desh ki aam aadmi!” Kejriwal says, and waves a broom in the air to loud cheers from his entourage of AAP volunteers. [My name is Arvind Kejriwal. Two days earlier, under Anna’s leadership we staged a protest. We only asked that the aliens not attack us. But these corrupt aliens attacked us. These aliens will keep looting us. Only one man can save us from these aliens - this country’s aam aadmi]
Then in another symbolic act, Kejriwal declares that he’ll lead the attack himself, and asks for a fighter jet. When the airforce arranges for a powerful fighter jet, Kejriwal runs an eye over the magnificent aircraft and shakes his head. “Mein aam aadmi hoon. What will I do with such a big fighter plane? Give me something smaller,” he says. The Air Chief Marshal then shows Kejriwal a number of planes, each smaller than the other, but Kejriwal rejects them all. Finally, when the frustrated Air Marshal shows him a parachute, Kejriwal smiles and accepts it. By this time, the alien spacecraft has destroyed yet another locality.
Kejriwal’s symbolism in the face of utter annihilation comes in for heavy criticism on social media. #Nautankiwal and #AAPCONAliens make the top ten trends. A section of AAP supporters hit back at critics on Twitter. “At least he’s doing something!” they retort.
Day 6:
While the armed forces attempt yet another desperate attack on the alien spacecraft, Kejriwal calls for a special session of parliament, reluctantly agreeing to hold the session in the House after being informed that all the grounds in the city have been obliterated by the aliens.
By the time the session begins, the alien spacecraft has closed in on the secretariat area. As Kejriwal signals the speaker to introduce the bill, the spacecraft’s energy beam flashes down and splinters a section of the House to smithereens, sending the opposition MPs from the Congress, BJP and other parties fleeing in all directions.
Kejriwal sees this as blatant opposition of the two corrupt parties to his bills and declares that BJP and Congress have once again joined hands behind doors to loot the people. “Defence Swaraj aur JanAlienPal bill pass karne ke liye mein PM ki kursi ko 100 baar kya, 1000 bar tyag kar sakta hoon,” he declares. [To pass Defence Swaraj and JanAlienPal bill, I will sacrifice PM’s chair not 100 times, but 1000 times]
With that, Kejriwal submits his resignation to the President of India.
Day 7:
The civilian leadership has vanished. The defence has been beaten back once again and now lies in tatters. Morale is at its lowest. A sense of inevitability hangs in the air. Those people who are still in the city mill about with blank expressions on their faces, as if they are waiting for the aliens to come finish them off.
At this point, one man takes matters into his hands. Wearing his trademark smirk-smile, Somnath Bharti rings up fellow AAP member Captain Gopinath. The duo then board the repaired alien spacecraft that had crash landed five years earlier, and fly towards the mother ship in earth’s orbit. The alien mothership recognizes the aircraft, allows it to come in, and links to spacecraft’s systems.
And then Somnath Bharti flips open his laptop, and with breathtaking speed and unmatched efficiency honed during his long years as the CEO of Madgen solutions, spams the alien mothership. Within minutes, the mothership’s systems overload, and warning sounds ring out all around them. The panic-stricken alien operators scramble, but are able to do nothing. Somnath smirks and presses his advantage, sending another billion spam messages screaming into the alien ship’s systems.
Then suddenly, an explosion rings out in one part of the alien ship. Then another. And another. A series of explosions rock the mothership. Sensing an opportunity, Somnath Bharti and Captain Gopinath wriggle out of the alien mothership and have barely managed to put a few kilometers of distance between them and the mothership, when the entire mothership explodes in a gigantic fireball.
Somnath Bharti and Captain Gopinath parachute back to Delhi amidst thunderous cheer. Somnath lands first, swishes his cape and swaggers towards his adoring fans. He accepts everyone’s congratulations, and hands over the urine sample of the alien commander to the bewildered President of India.
And thus, planet earth is saved once again.
(Author formerly wrote under pseudonym UnReal Mama)