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Why am I so busy?
Retorical question there. One that’s pretty simple to answer too.
I crave stillness. Both of in my mind and in my body. I love an empty quiet house where I can wallow in peace like a pig in mud. Where I have time to listen to my own thoughts and respond. Where nobody is asking anything of me and expecting anything from me. Oh – the bliss.
Reality is that I am barely ever in that space. Well, maybe if you count the twenty-minute drive to and from work four days a week? My little house is filled with the sounds of family life. Which let’s be honest I love, but there is not much space for stillness. Right now it’s 5.39am. This is my time for the stolen stillness that keeps my soul alive!
Us introverts are such a contradiction. Family life is so important and my biggest passion. But, if I’m not careful it also drains me to the bone. Mainly because it/they make me so damn busy. You know the drill. I work extra hours to pay school fees. I come home to leave again with netball bags, dance shoes or whatever other afterschool madness I’ve agreed to. I squeeze in enough housework to keep my little house livable and that’s all the hours of the day done. There isn’t much time left for introvert-friendly stillness.
In the words of a cheeky toddler who once lived in this house and liked to get into things she shouldn’t, ‘I just wanna be lonely’. I know this is a stage of my life that will pass, and yes I’ll miss the noise and family chaos the drives me right now. I also know (or believe) life gives you exactly what you need to be who you’re supposed to be and that there’s a profound peace in accepting that.
To be honest I think my biggest struggle is with balance. I am a giver and a little bit too empathetic for my own good. I struggle with guilt when it comes to taking time for myself. And I still don’t feel comfortable setting boundaries that give me what I need. It becomes a bit of a ‘fight to the death’ between my need for stillness and my need to ‘give all I have to the family I love’. And the biggest problem with that is without the stillness what I have to give to my family get tired, short-tempered and at its worst mean.
Oh. Light bulb moment. *Insert profession sounding psychologist voice*. “So, it sounds like what you are saying is that looking after yourself is actually a way of looking after your family.” It seems that might be so. Perhaps my fight with ‘busy’ is more about me battling my internal programming that, despite the fact I know better, tells me a ‘good parent’ sacrifices to the point of pain for the good of their children. While in reality finding a way to meet my need for stillness makes me a better human being – not to mention wife, friend, daughter, employee and of course mother.
So, why am I so busy? Apparently, because I am still holding onto an outdated belief about parenting that needs to be challenged and brought into the 21st Century. (Not the simple answer I was expecting.) My life is busy. That’s just the way it’s going to be around here for a few more years to come. But that said, it’s time to work on the balance and prioritise my time for stillness into the totem pole of our family needs. And now comes the hard part. Working out exactly how to make that happen.
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