Hello all, I will try to make this as short as possible. I was recommended here by someone on a mens health forum.
I am 34 yr old male, about 5 ten 175 lbs. Have had a history of celiac disease, chronic pelvic pain, hypothyroidism(which I finally began treatment for in March of this year.) have the other issues mostly under control, I am on very low dose thyroid meds.
Anyways, back in March I began meditation, simply as a way to try and calm my overactive mind, and help some of my health issues. I also have done on/off semen retention, quit porn to try and get my sexuality back. Well, for the first 2-3 months I noticed some remarkable results..I was doing 15-30 min a day, sometimes guided meditations from youtube, sometimes just following my breath or using a mantra. I felt much calmer, in control..more like my old self. I was "in the zone' a lot of times so to speak... Something has started to...change the last month- 2 months however. I have had days where I increased my meditation time to an hour, and some where i simply did a 20 min session. Anyways, Ive started to notice some strange symptoms. I had nights..walking my dog around a local lake where I felt as if I was on the drug ecstacy..Obviously not to that extent but a similar feeling where everything felt magnified. Ive also had times..sometimes the very next day after these episodes where I felt beyond depressed. At first I thought it may have been my thryod messing w me, but Ive done blood work and everything came back fine.
So, I just kept up my practice trying to maintain an even keel. But my body doesnt seem to be cooperating. Lately Ive noticed Disturbing ADD/ADHD type symptoms..FLAT emotions..low/no libido..vivid dreams..a sort of "hypersensitivity" when out in public. Ive had days also where Ive walked around feeling no fear whatsoever, and others where I didnt want to leave the house. My sense of direction, or feeling of motivation, is almost totally missing. I kinda feel like Im in a dream.It feels like my identity, or who I thought I was, is missing. Like all my past accomplishments, achievements, are a distant memory and not a part of me anymore. I used to be a professional baseball player, a good golfer, loved to golf..I have NO desire to golf, and no feeling of pride from being an athlete.. But at the same time, have a strainge feeling of contentment, at least when the anxiety doesnt take hold..
Just a recent example of how strange things have gotten..I took a girl out a few weeks ago(this has been another thing, women seem to be checking me out much more than before I ever meditated, but my libido..shot), we hit it off very well and after our date she suggested she come back to my place..I agreed. Long story short, I didnt escalate anything, mostly to my feeling tired and inexperience(been out of dating for a long time) and things kinda fell through for us. I am usually quite great at moving on from these types of things and learning from my mistakes, etc..and I had done a decent job of that..however the other day I had to go to the vet where she works(this is where we met) and she wasnt there. As I was standing there buying my dog his meds, I had a very strange feeling come over me of absolute sadness, melancholy, like I was at a funeral. THis freaked me out and I got the meds and got out of there as quick as I could. it was extremely bizarre, as I barely knew this girl save for the one night..this wasnt just a little sadness because of a missed opportunity, this was a feeling of dread and absolute grief that just came over me when 2 minutes before I was content. I got into a car accident a week ago where I did about 5000 dollars worht of damage to my car. That morning, after I got out of shower to go to job interview, I had a powerful sensation or voice in my head telling me not to leave the house.I had to get a cat scan after the accident as I hit my head on the steering wheel, and they found nothing, just said I had a minor concussion. So while I say Ive had flat emotions, I get these weird rushes of either joy or just flat out sadness that keep coming and going. the rest of the time it feels like autopilot, but I feel like I have an intuition like Ive never had in my life before.
Ive had physical symptoms too..this one sounds crazy..but it feels like the left half of my head(or brain) is just...not there, not working. I cant explain this any better than that. strange dreams, that keep having some semblance of truth in the days or weeks following the dream..inability to concentrate. lack of appetite...no libido..muscle twitching..hypersensitivity..heightened awareness in public, but a strange..detached feeling from everything. enhanced endurance during exercise, yet feeling no endorphin rush after working out.Pulsing in my head during meditation lately which comes and goes.. A very hard time quitting addictions, yet they are giving me almost NO pleasure now. I drank a bottle of wine the other night and barely felt a thing..
I KNOW this sounds crazy and i hope a psychiatrist isnt reading and turns me into the looney bin. But I hope someone has some type of advice..Ive never felt this "spaced out" yet somehow fucntioning on a higher level before..Its like Im not in my body a lot of times. Idk what to make of it or how to tell anyone without coming off as a freak. I try my best to act normally around others, but something feels very off and Im alone. Idk wether to quit meditating, if thats even the issue, but Ive had tons of bloodwork done and everthign is checking out ok..I thank you all for any help you can give.