We're all winners tonight. Except for the LOSERS. Featureflash / Shutterstock.com
Fellow subjects of the Entertainment Industrial Complex, it's on. Tonight is the 87th Annual Academy Awards ceremony, and we intend to endure the entire thing, FOR YOU! Ensconced in the regal comfort of Seattle's own Bait Shop, my colleagues and I will thrill to the red carpet, the glamour, the wit, the Neil Patrick Harris, the conspicuous wealth, the political engagement, the robust self-love, the occasionally-difficult-to-conceal contempt, but above all, the dignity... always dignity. Below you will find an ongoing chronicle of the Oscars in real time. Enjoy!
8:14:
The Sound of Music montage. Neil Patrick Harris exits the stage and the show gets even gayer!
8:13:
Did she just say "Doctor K?"
8:12:
"The talented Scarlett Johansson."
8:11:
This TV show Secrets and Lies they keep advertising. Juliette Lewis is a weird choice for the Brenda Blethyn role. But I can see Ryan Phillippe as Timothy Spall.
8:10:
It just occurred to me that evidence suggests the current frontrunners for Best Picture are Whiplash and The Grand Budapest Hotel. Only one of these films features Paul Reiser of My Two Dads.
8:08:30:
Chris Pine leaps to his feet. The cameras are there.
8:08:
John Legend realness outburst about black men in prison.
8:05:
Best Song: "Glory." Not a shock.
Interestingly, nominee "Lost Stars" was co-written by the guy from New Radicals and the woman who played Archie Bunker's adopted daughter on Archie Bunker's Place.
8:04:
John Travolta's wig for least convincing wigtor.
7:58:
Octavia Spencer introduces John Legend and Common to sing their number from Selma, which they do in front of a stage set of the Edmund Pettus Bridge, lined with extras/back up singers on both sides. The chords are stirring. The rap adds a useful vitality. Can't deny the power of the spectacle. Could deny one or two other elements, but why would you want to do that? The whole room leaps to its feet, Oyelowo wiping away tears. Long ovation.
Chris Pine also crying.
Agents being called during commercial to ask why they didn't know they were supposed to cry...
7:57:
NPH has changed back out of his red jacket, perhaps in deference to David Oyelowo? Not wrong.
7:53:
It is a little hard to believe that this show is still going on. And by that I of course mean the Oscars ceremony, but also life itself.
7:50:
Best Documentary: Citizenfour. Surprising. Good choice, homies.
7:49:
Jennifer Aniston and David Oyelowo. Best Doc.
7:47:
Terence Howard coming close to tears before introducing The Imitation Game: ENIGMATIC.
7:46
Affleck audience shot. Look: pleased.
7:44
Best Editing: Whiplash. I am surprised that this movie is striking such a chord. But it clearly is. Whoever said Black Swan for Boys was not wrong. But you can't deny the strength of the editing.
7:43
OK. Naomi Watts and Benedict Cumberbatch present best film editing. This should indicate a lot about the rest of the evening.
7:40
MENAHEM GOLAN!
His '80s filmography alone:
The Apple (1980)
Enter the Ninja (1981)
Over the Brooklyn Bridge (1984)
The Delta Force (1986)
Over the Top (1987)
Hanna's War (1988)
Mack the Knife (1989)
He made 38 other features besides.
7:30
Meryl Streep introduces the elegy montage, pausing to quote Joan Didion. If Christopher Frizzelle is watching, he probably doesn't know how to feel. I don't either. It's strangely inappropriately real for this environment, while maintaining the essential expensive cheapness that makes the whole engine go. And being in a room watching it is to experience a weird manifestation of Hollywood's undying power: The ability to make some people seem and be more important than other people. Did we not all clap a little harder for Mike Nichols than for Menahem Golan? Or the make-up artist whose name we instantly forgot before Gordon Willis came up? Is it an honor to the anonymous people to include them with the stars, or is it one last insult?
Mickey Rooney, Paul Mazursky, JAMES GARNER, Elizabeth Pena, Edward Herrmann, Maya Angelous, Lorenzo Semple Jr, James Rebhorn, Menahem Golan, Anita Ekberg, H.R Giger, Virna Lisi, Louis Jourdan, GORDON WILLIS, Sir. Richard Attenborough, L.M. Kit Carson, Ruby Dee, Robin Williams, Stweart Stern(!), Lauren Bacall, Misty Upham, Eli Wallach, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Alain Resnais, Bob Hoskins, MIke Nichols...
7:28
Side note: I'd have given Michael Keaton an Oscar for this, had I been in charge, but kids aren't in charge of SHIT:
7:25
Best Cinematography: Emmanuel Lubeski for Birdman. Two in a row for Lubeski. Obviously not counterfeit.
7:23
NPH has switched to a crimson blazer. An excellent choice. As is Idris Elba.
Best Cinematography. Anyone but Dick Pope for Mr. Turner is a counterfeit victory.
7:22
Best Production Design: The Grand Budapest Hotel. Again, fucking duh. Even if you persist in pretending not to know how smart and great and real that movie is, you can at least acknowledge that it is nothing if not DESIGNED.
7:21
I hope I'm not the only one who likes to imagine that maybe, MAYBE, there is a world in which Felicity Jones and Chris Pratt came on stage after quickly doing it in the wings.
7:19
Academy president is giving a speech about freedom of expression and internationalism that manages to exorcise the freedom to express almost nothing meaningful.
7:18
The richest performers alive clapping for freedom of expression. That's what I call brave.
7:15
American Crime commercial. I'm pretty sick of things that use the word "American" in the title as if it connotes some kind of poetic or otherwise meaningful distinction. As opposed to crime itself? Belgian Crime? Operation Mindcrime? Pick a new word, world.
7:10
Best Animated Feature: Big Hero 6. The first five films were but a prelude. Kind of an upset. Per the director's speech, it is not hard to imagine that John Lasseter actually is the best boss in the world.
This show is boring and wrong, but it's nice to see how many ordinary dedicated film workers they still inexplicably feature. I'd obviously never hear of any of the short subjects in any of the three shorts categories. I also hadn't heard of most of the animated features, to say nothing of all the ingenious technicians up for the more glamorous prizes. But there they are, all up on the TV. They deserve it. Film is hard. Film is good.
7:09:
TV: And now, Zoe Saldana and Dwayne Johnson.
Woman at Bait Shop: WHOOO! DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON!
7:08
Best Animated Short: Feast. I haven't seen it but it looks like a cartoon in which a dog eats a lot of human food that doggie digestion probably isn't meant to process. Where are the protestors? Where's my ticker tape parade. I would watch a short cartoon about dogs, though.
7:06
Kevin Hart and Anna Kendrick. A) That guy seems totally charmlesss. B) (daaaamn.)
7:04
Best Visual Effects: Interstellar. Um, DUH.
7:03
Chloe Grace Moretz presenting the Best Visual Effects Oscar. I was in a movie with her one time, too. Now: blogging, sweatshirt, bar, etc. I just ordered my fourth Painkiller.
7:00
Rita Ora singing "Grateful," from Beyond the Lights. If only I hadn't ever heard of her, I'd have the trifecta on this one.
In the producer's favor, they are really doing merciful edits on these songs.
6:59
Robert Duvall: Still not amused.
6:53
Best Supporting Actress: Patricia Arquette. Huge applause. This is basically a 100% classic Oscar acceptance speech across the board. Except kind of actually convincingly righteous. "Equal Rights for Women brings them to their feet.
6:51
Jared Leto, Superstar. God, I can't stand that fucker. Nokes says they're exenstions. He's presenting Best Supporting Actress. This can only serve as a reminder that he won an Oscar last year. Jared Leto did. Jared Leto, Oscar winner.
6:49
Best Sound Editing: American Sniper. Forget what I just said. Forget everything. Sell the house. Sell the car. Sell the kids. I'm never coming back.
6:46
Best Sound Mixing: Whiplash. Perhaps the American Sniper power grab is not shaping up as I'd guessed. Sound Mixing is the ultimate sweep indicator. PS My dad was nominated for that Oscar twice. NBD. (He lost to The Last Emperor and Platoon.)
6:45
Who's this chump standing next to Sienna Miller, now? Oh, Captain America. FINE.
6:44
"Science is an integral part of filmmaking." -Miles Teller solves the "in-TEG-ruhl" vs. "IN-tuh-gruhl" debate, coming down squarely on the side of the former.
6:43
NPH re-enacts the underwear scene from Birdman, with a Whiplash twist.
WHAT IS IN HIS UNDERPANTS? REAL? STUFFED?
6:38
The history of unworthy people performing and being nominated for Best Original Song Oscars is long, but let's not forget the time the world completely reversed on its axis and this happened:
The inestimably beautiful and great Elliott Smith sings "Miss Misery" at the 1998 Oscars.
6:36
Sorry, but Tim McGraw isn't fit to be Glen Campbell's guitar pick tech, although, as Emily points out, his lip gloss game is strong.
6:33
David Oyelowo's red tux, once again, ladies and gentlemen.
And there's Dwayne The Rock Johnson!
Gwyneth Paltrow, I have tried to stem the hate tide, but even in this bar, it sounds like French peasants calling for Marie Antoinette's head when you're on screen.
6:31
Viola Davis is unbelievably excellent in every particular.
6:28
Best Documentary Short: Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1.
Director got extra real when talking about her son: "We should talk about suicide, out loud." I love it when humanity escapes from the awards centrifuge.
6:27
Dude, the director of The Phone Call, you're not fooling anyone with that fake-ass accent.
Wait! Sally Hawkins is in it!? I'm listening...
6:25
Best Live Action Short: The Phone Call. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
6:21
Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne in Savage Grace. Wham bam thank you, mom.
I'm sorry, but seeing Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne in the same room can only make me think about the scene in Savage Grace when she gives him a hand job and then climbs on top of him for full sex even though she's his MOM. I know that's coarse but I'm speaking my truth.
6:17
Marion Cotillard introducing Tegan and Sara and The Lonely Island to sing "Everything is Awesome" from the Lego Movie. This is a lot to take in. Nice bit with Oprah getting a Lego Oscar. I don't normally condone dance numbers, but this is strong. &uestove and Mark Mothersbaugh cameos are very good news in any context.
6:16
Neil Patrick Harris is doing some crowd work with the seat fillers that pays off sweetly with Steve Carrell.
6:13
Shirley MacLaine's sequined pantsuit. Pantssuit? Pants Sweet Charity? She's there to introduce Boyhood, The Theory of Everything, and Birdman. Boyhood was a powerhouse if your parents are divorced. Birdman was a powerhouse if you were ever a movie star who struggled with issues about how the public didn't take him seriously enough.
6:10
Best Foreign Language Film: Ida. Poland. Nice job, Academy.
6:09
No offense, but I would still totally give Nicole Kidman one.
6:09
CHEW-uh-tel EDGE-ee-oh-for.
6:06
The AT&T commercial with the funny, lovely Milana Vayntrub. She's very good. I was in a movie with her one time. One of us is LiveSlogging the Oscars. Life is a pretty sweet fruit.
6:05
So far in the bumper music, I have heard orchestral treatments of "The Power of Love" and "Let's Hear It For the Boy."
6:03
Channing Tatum Boner City, USA. He's introducing something called Team Oscar, USA. The Hollywood dipshits of tomorrow. I hate to think what those kids have gone through.
6:02
The thing is, The Grand Budapest Hotel is an immaculate work of imagination, empathy, intellect, and emotion. Admit it.
6:01
Best Makeup and Hairstyling: The Grand Budapest Hotel. It's almost SWEEP!
5:58
Best Costume Design: Milena Canonero, The Grand Budapest Hotel. I mean, obviously. Her speech was lovely and all about Wes Anderson, who is wearing yellow-green checks.
5:57
Jennifer Lopez has arrived on the stage, next to Chris Pine.
Emily Nokes: I wish I could figure out what her boobs look like.
We all do, Emily.
5:56
My guess is that the "Dependent Spirit Awards" joke was the subject of a fair amount of debate backstage. Gift bag joke ($160,000 in each one) was chuckling past the graveyard.
5:54
Levine is gone. Here at Bait Shop, Aimee Hossler has won the Guess the Best Supporting Actor contest. Good job, Aimee.
I feel reasonably strongly that the way the show will go is: American Sniper for Best Picture, Richard Linklater for Best Director, or possibly vice versa. One for old Hollywood, one for the frontier spirit.
5:50
Sorry, I have to go. Adam Levine is singing. It's policy. Back in a jiffy.
5:47
A joy to hear Liam Neeson speaking in his native brogue. And not threatening to kill or rescue anyone. He's introducing The Grand Budapest Hotel. I do not understand how people keep pretending they don't love Wes Anderson movies when they obviously do. He then introduced American Sniper. Which I believe will win Best Picture, because Hollywood rewards movies that are massively successful, and to pretend that they oughtn't is weirdly provincial.
5:42
JK SImmons, Best Supporting Actor. Nice job. Thanks his wife, effusively, his children (via wife), also effusively. This is a good speech. "Call your mom, call your dad. If you're lucky enough to have them alive on this planet, call them. Don't text. Don't email."
5:39
OK, first award. Best Supporting Actor. I'm predicting JK Simmons, because everyone is. Though Duvall's pooling himself in the shower scene in The Judge was no slouch. I'd sort of like to see Ethan Hawke win. For healing. No one was BETTER than Ruffalo in Foxcatcher, though.
5:37
It's over! Big O.
(David Oyelowo's red tux is VERY strong.)
Bigger applause for American Sniper's $300 million gross. Key word.
"To fall in love with moving pictures all over again." Indeed.
5:36
Like all musical numbers, this one is already too long. Two choruses = plenty.
5:35
Robert Duvall: unamused.
5:34
JACK BLACK HAS ARRIVED IN THE MUSICAL NUMBER! He is great.
5:33
Anna Kendrick has joined the number, complicating the hipness quotient.
5:32a
Damon-Affleck gay tension allusion. Combined with the joke about whiteness, it seems not impossible to imagine this might be a moderately hip show.
5:32
Speaking strictly as a layman, that's a nice looking set.
5:31
"Best and whitest." Big laugh.
Of course, he has already launched into song.
5:30
The show has begun. Neil Patrick Harris. Gentlemen, start your boners.
5:27
OSCAR HISTORY MOMENT
As we await the beginning of the show proper, I'd like to reflect that, though we hear A LOT about the Rob Lowe/Snow White fiasco, no one ever seems to remember the 1987 Oscars opening number that featured Telly Savalas, Dom DeLuise, and Noriyuki "Pat" Morita singing "Fugue For Tin Horns" from Guys and Dolls. BUT I SAW IT HAPPEN:
5:26
JK Simmons has doffed his hat and embraced his greatness.
5:24
Patricia Arquette, my love for you has never dimmed.
5:20
They've moved inside. First Meryl Streep sighting. "The greatest actress we have." -Stranger Editor Christopher Frizzelle. I just made it to halfway through my second Painkiller (a frozen rum drink). This is getting deluxe.
5:18
Kerry Washington to ABC person: "You're SO sweet." As close to sincerity as I currently am to Hollywood Blvd.
5:16
I guess not seeing the side of Lady Gaga's breast would have been a bigger surprise.
5:15
Faith Hill and Tim McGraw have gone through the "we no longer look even remotely like we looked when you first saw us" machine.
5:13
Bradley Cooper, one of America's finest snipers.
Nice to see the classic tux + bowtie is back this year. I think a black necktie with a tuxedo makes you look like a creep.
5:11
Divergent 2: Insurgent.
PLEASE let the next one be called Detergent.
5:07
Taya Kyle, widow of American sniper Chris Kyle. I'm guessing the fashion wags of the world all just deleted a ton of very bitchy observations about her green dress when they found out who she was.
Asked how Chris would've felt about the $300million worldwide box-office success of American Sniper, she says, "he would be blown away."
Words no longer have meaning and the show hasn't even started yet.
5:06
Naomi Watts in a sequined sports bra. I vote yes, Academy.
5:04
Ethan Hawke at the Oscars is the ultimate evidence that the cultural influence of the '90s has been completely forgotten. Although, he did just say "cinema is always evolving," soooooooooo.....
5:03
Emma Stone and her psyched mom.
4:57
Lupita Nyong'o in a white dress that appears to be largely made of pearls. An excellent choice, at least according to THIS dumpy middle-aged wag sitting in a bar, typing on a laptop, wearing a sweatshirt he's had on all weekend. Take it to the fashion bank.
4:56
HD broadcasting and face make-up. A civil war is brewing.
4:55
Jennifer Lopez is showing her tasteful, understated sideboob tonight.
4:53
Reese Witherspoon looks super hot. AND ALSO TALENTED. Jesus. The ABC person asked her why the character in Wild "resonated with" her. You may find this hard to believe, but Witherspoon said it was the challenge.
4:49
Reese Witherspoon is in the "on-deck circle." Can we just have one night without sports metaphors, ABC? Not everyone has to knock everything out of every park.
4:37
Marion Cotillard: I always want to go deep
Stranger Music Editor Emily Nokes: That's literally what she said.
4:36
Interviewer to Marion Cotillard: "You're the only actress nominated for a foreign film. That must feel AMAZING."
4:34
Fifty Shades of Grey star Dakota Johnson and her hydraulic mother Melanie Griffith in the early contender for awkwardest red carpet interview. One refreshing thing is that D.J. has clearly not been coached.
4:33
Julianne Moore freckle solidarity.
4:32
The great JK Simmons (Best Supporting Actor favorite) is wearing a hat. Dude. The secret is out.
4:27
Kevin Hart, asked which star would be his choice if he could only take one selfie: "Wow, that's a really tough question. You know, I'm a really big Meryl Streep fan..." Gentlemen, start your Google Image Search engines.
4:23
The red carpet rolls on and the ABC hosts are doing their best not to look dumpy alongside the nominees they're interviewing—thus far: Michael Keaton (black tux), Rosamund Pike (red dress), Eddie Redmayne (blue tux), and Felicity Jones (silver dress). I would like to tell you more specifics about the garments, but the simple fact is they are very nice looking garments, and the actors are beautiful, because that is every actor's job.
4:21
A Yoplait commercial featuring the Kinks' "All Day and All of the Night" is not an auspicious way to start things off.
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