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Everyone had a different way of dealing with conflict during high school. Some people chose to spread nasty rumors about the person they wanted to hurt. Others took to brawling in the hallway. More chose to simply avoid conflict in hopes that problems would vanish miraculously.
However, the second you turn 18, society considers you to be a full-fledged adult. Being an adult means that behaving in ways that were tolerated in a high school setting have entirely different ramifications. This article will highlight some of the types of conflicts you may encounter during adulthood and provide suggestions in terms of how to properly handle them.
3 Types of Conflicts
1. Physical Fights
The most important piece of advice I can convey to readers is not to put your hands on anyone else. Period. Now I realize that a great deal of you all have probably never had a problem with this and that’s great. But adulthood is the WORST time for this type of behavior to begin or persist. In high school, fighting may land you an expulsion or suspension. While those outcomes seem terrible, fighting as an adult comes with far harsher consequences. Physically fighting someone can result in you spending a night in jail, a court date or some time in minimum security prison.
Remember that permanent record we were rumored to have in high school? We have one as adults as well. However, we refer to them as RAP sheets. Having assault and battery charges waged against you because someone made a derogatory comment about your clothes is simply not worth it. If you are ever being put in a situation in which someone is trying to engage you in a physical altercation, do yourself and your non-existent RAP sheet a favor and walk away when possible. If leaving the situation is not an option, call the authorities or trusted individuals to help remove you as soon as possible.
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2. Ending Things
Of course, most conflicts between adults are not physical in nature. Sometimes you may share an apartment with a person you no longer want to live with or maybe it’s time to end a relationship. In these cases, assuming you can safely approach the person without the situation reaching the level of physical violence, it is better to handle the matter in person.
While you can call the person on the phone or text them to initiate the meeting, actual discussion of the desire to separate should be addressed in person. During the discussion, do your best to refrain from personal attacks. Insulting his haircut as you break his heart is petty and childish. Mentioning how she never washed dishes while breaking the lease agreement is pointless.
Remember that the person you are separating from is a person too and deserves to be treated as such. Keep the discussion brief and factual (e.x. I am leaving the lease because it is too expensive or I am breaking up with you because I do not see a future for us). As a general rule of thumb, it is not a good idea to go straight to social media and attack the person you are separating from. It will make you out to be the bad guy regardless of how things actually ended. Depending on your privacy settings, anyone may have access to your page. This may include potential employers, significant others, and lease mates. This brings us to the third form of conflict.
3. Cyber-Bullying/ Technological Attacks
Many people consider cyber-bullying to occur mainly in high schools. However, as our generation gets older, we bring with us yet another weapon to use against each other. Cyber-bullying consists of online stalking and attacking a person. It usually occurs through anonymous means. There is never really a good reason to engage someone in this format. If you are wronged in real life, attacking someone online will not make the situation right. While in high school, many students use cyber-bullying as a covert way to exert power over them. Doing this in real life can result in several outcomes ranging from a restraining order to jail time. If you are a victim of cyber-bullying, do not engage the attacker by responding to their online messages or threats. Instead, print the messages and keep through documentation so that you can take them to the authorities. This is extremely important, as some police departments have requirements for how long the bullying persists before they take action
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Cyber bullying is not the only technological form of conflict. Many people decide to take their personal arguments to cyberspace. Some people may engage a person online to avoid a face to face confrontation. Others may do it to make the argument more interactive, involving friends and family members. While in high school, this drama often leads to a real confrontation on school grounds, there are different consequences the adults face for this behavior.
What many social media users forget is that everything you post online exists somewhere in cyberspace forever. Even if you delete it there is still a file on it somewhere. Fortunately, most deleted information will not be dredged up unless you plan to run for public office or commit a crime.
The bigger concern is that anything linked to you via social media can be accessed by potential employers and prospective significant others. While these sites can help you connect with people, they should not be used in lieu of a face to face conversation during times of conflict. Do you want to stand in a room with upwards of 400 people watching you have an argument with someone? When you hash things out on Facebook, that’s exactly what it looks like.
How to Handle Conflict
1. Know Your Triggers
Chances are if you’re reading this, you are approaching your second decade on the planet. By now, you have probably been able to identify a decent number of likes and dislikes. Perhaps, you’ve even identified your own personal triggers, or things that cause an adverse reaction out of you. When dealing with conflict, said triggers are quite important to have a handle on as they may prompt you to engage a situation you normally wouldn’t. As a mild example, I’ll explain one of my personal triggers. Ever since middle school, whenever someone says the word “whatever” in response to me or someone else during a conversation, I become irritated with them.
To me, it comes across as having complete disregard for the other person. Now in middle school, I responded to this word by going off on the person or being incredibly rude to them in return. In high school, I would choose to spend less time around people who would use that word because I knew how it would affect me internally. In college, I decided to actively reappraise how I viewed the word. Now, as a senior in college, the word no longer bothers me. Claiming and conquering your triggers are two of the most important parts of dealing with conflicts as an adult. By recognizing your personal triggers, you can keep confrontational situations from occurring in the first place.
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2. Limit Contact with Dramatic People
In high school, dramatic students were usually the center of attention. They thrived off of lying, embellishing stories and causing all sorts of problems between themselves and others. Because high school news is usually straight gossip, the dramatic people are often exalted or tolerated because it gives other students something to talk about.
However, once high school ends, people who engage in these behaviors often cause more of a headache than their “entertainment value” can make up for. Eventually, you may be forced to work in a group with someone like this for work or school. Fortunately, your personal life is entirely up to your discretion.
In order to keep from getting into conflicts regularly, it is in your best interest to limit the time you spend with dramatic individuals. Although they may be fun to hang around every once in a while, constantly being caught up in their latest mess will become more draining and irritating over time. Inevitably, if they get bored enough, they may drag you into something you never wanted to be a part of. Instead, prioritize relationships with trustworthy individuals who promote you becoming the best version of yourself. The longer you’re out of high school, the more important good friendships will become.
3. When All Else Fails…Reappraise
Many times, conflict occurs because one party misinterprets information from another. This can happen both online and in real life. While you can’t always control the way people take things you say, you can change the way you view comments from others. The easiest way to do this is by taking time to consider the underlying cause of their actions. Maybe that woman made a snide remark about you because she’s insecure or jealous. Maybe that man bumped you with his shoulder to spite you, or maybe he wasn’t paying attention to where he was going. To a certain extent, getting into conflicts depends on your own perception of the situation. Next time you find yourself in a conflict, take a few seconds to reappraise the situation before acting.
While conflict is a normal part of life, as adults we must be careful how we engage others. How we handle our altercations today can have lasting impacts on the remainder of our lives.