Warning! Warning! This is a code pink. Planet Earth’s ovaries are under attack. I repeat, PLANET EARTH’S OVARIES ARE UNDER ATTACK. 10 escaped aliens from SM’s dungeon are on the loose and are “exploading ovaries,” as earthlings like to say. With great difficulties, we’ve made a profile from the testimonies of the delirious, and still dazed, victims who made rare sightings of these baby making criminals.
KIM JONGIN
Alter Ego: Kai, Black Swan, Dansheen Masheen.
Species: EXO-nian.
Affiliation: Best friend and hunting partner of the SHAWOL-ian Taemin.
Abilities: Teleportation, Dancing Hypnosis.
Mating Skills: He hypnotizes his victims with sexy dance moves. Then he teleports his alien babies to their uteri.
Weakness: Shoes inhibit his powers.
BYUN BAEKHYUN
Alter Ego: Kkapsong BYUN, Bacon.
Species: EXO-nian.
Affiliation: ByunTae.
Abilities: Noona Magnet , Light Blast, Alien Seductive Singing.
Mating Skills: He leaves behind crumbs of Oreos to entice victims. While they stare entranced at his neck, he sings their fallopian tubes to life.
Weakness: The human noona Taeyeon.
ZHANG YIXING
Alter Ego: Lay, Laynicorn, The Hook-Up.
Species: EXO-nian.
Affiliation: 420.
Abilities: Fast Healing, Fertility Inducing Hip Thrust Blast.
Mating Skills: He swings his hips in a pendulum-like manner to create a blast that fertilizes any ovum in sight.
Weakness: The earth plant cannabis.
OH SEHUN
Alter Ego: Yehet, TheHun. Sebooty
Species: EXO-nian.
Affiliation: EXO-nian Tao.
Abilities: Wind Power.
Mating Skills: The youngest alien sighted. When he emits the alien fertility chants “Yehet” and “Ohorat,” victims report feeling a baby kicking in their bellies.
Weakness: 고기 – Yummy Korean Meat.
HUANG ZITAO
Alter Ego: Tao, The Panda.
Species: EXO-nian.
Affiliations: Alleged lover Sehun, former lover Kris.
Abilities: Hand to Hand Combat, Super Alien High Kick.
Mating Skills: None. He uses his attractive body to ensnare victims.
Weakness: Gucci and various brand named products.
PARK CHANYEOL
Alter Ego: Channie, Rapper, Happy Virus.
Species: EXO-nian.
Affiliation: A group of renegades that goes by the name “Roommate.”
Abilities: Fertility Flames, Scorching Sensual Force Field.
Mating Skills: He overwhelms his victims with his fiery rapping. Victims report passing out from too much sexual heat and waking up holding a baby.
Weakness: His alien ears can lure in victims but are very sensitive to the touch. They can be used to immobilize him or neutralize any baby making heat attack.
DO KYUNGSOO
Alter Ego: D.O., SatanSoo, The nugget.
Species: EXO-nian.
Affiliation: None.
Abilities: Superhuman Singing, Seductive Sonic Energy, Fertility Inducing Gaze.
Mating Skills: He enchants with his seductive alien sound. The creepy sensation and goosebumps the victims feel when they look in his eyes signify the implantation of alien seed.
Weakness: His lack of social skills prevent him from impregnating more victims.
KIM JUNMYEON
Alter Ego: Suho, $uho, Jun-money.
Species: EXO-nian.
Affiliation: The Stock Market.
Abilities: Hydro Power, Debonair Millionaire Senses.
Mating Skills: Victims reported feeling every water molecule in their body travel to their ovaries to form alien babies.
Weakness: His life force comes from his fellow EXO-nians. When they die or go back to their home planet, his powers weaken. This is the reason why he can barely side shuffle.
KIM MINSEOK
Alter Ego: Xiumin, Baozi, Minnie, Baby Min, Cutie.
Species: EXO-nian.
Affiliation: Luhan.
Abilities: Frost, Fusion Power, Magic Doe Eyes.
Mating Skills: When fused with other half-baby-faced Luhan – they form an unstoppable entity that freeze and impregnate his victims through telepathy.
Weakness: He is weakened without his other half. But don’t be fooled, his eyes are dangerously fertility-inducing.
KIM JONGDAE
Alter Ego: Chen, The Chooty.
Species: EXO-nian.
Affiliation: Trolls.
Abilities: Super Sonic Scream, Fertility Lighting.
Mating Skills: Reports say he encourages innocent victims to touch his chooty, and right after, they witness lighting in the sky. Then boom, pregnancy.
Weakness: None.
My name Is Widney. I am a survivor living up in the mountains. I am broadcasting on all AM frequencies. I will be at the TOS quarters everyday at mid-day, when the sun is highest in the sky. If you are out there… if anyone is out there… I can provide ovary safety classes, I can provide K-pop news, I can provide security from the Exodus. If there’s anybody out there… anybody… please. You are not alone.