Preface:
I began my journey with poetry one very quiet, still night when I just let the muse whisper in my ear and turned down all the noise of the world. No computer for weeks, no TV, no outside influence at all, just alone in my room with a pen and paper. I always wanted to learn how to rhyme words, but never was able to get them to work. So One day I just started writing, and was really impressed at myself. Soon I was addicted, and started penning as many poems as I possibly could. About a year later, I finally got the cahoones to share these poems online, and I'm somewhat glad I did. I found out I could publish them, so I did and I've found that the road to success with writing is a long, and tedious one. I haven't made much profit from these really, certainly not enough to make a career out of being a professional (even though I would dearly love to be a writer because it is my favourite thing to do). So since I have not been able to make much of any profit at all, I've decided to freely share these poems for all the world to use and abuse however they wish. However, if you REALLY love them and really want to help me out a GREAT deal. NO lie I am below poverty level. Please do so, and buy my book. Here's the link - https://www.createspace.com/4605931 (You can also find it on Amazon here - http://www.amazon.com/Amity-Animosity-Jonathan-Friday/dp/1494918714/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1413969135&sr=8-2&keywords=amity+and+animosity) or barnes and noble.com here (http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/amity-and-animosity-jonathan-friday/1118026805?ean=9781494918712)
Since I've written MOST of these, I've changed my mind, philosophy, whatever about life, the poem in general, the person I was writing about, but I decided to keep them because they are a narrative of my life. All the ups and downs, bad times, good times, pain, love, drama, hate, all of it all bottled into one book. Some of these poems are completely fictional and portray no actual person or place, some are 100% raw truth. Enjoy!
Thanks:
First of all I'd like to thank my significant other Anthony Baker. Love you, baby.
I'd like to thank Dee Jordan first of all for her inspiration to become a writer. She's a real amazing gal.
I'd like to thank Bob Ingram for being my soon to be editor of this book, and a great friend. (Bob edit this to say editor instead of soon to be and remove this parenthesis when done please, thank you so much).
Country Boy
It's a beautiful, crisp night. The stars are shining bright, the moon is in sight. The cold feels like home. The sky is like a dome across a sea of velvet grass. I desire with all my soul for this moment to last forever. Crickets are chirping in the background, my heart is palpitating almost racing as you swing your arms around my chest in a tender embrace. You pull my neck to kiss your lips and I melt like slowly churned butter, never again will I hunger or desire another love. You are the one that I want forever, you are my spiritual twin flame, the other half of my life that keeps me sane. You are that rare gift I can't lose. It's true, you swept me off my feet just by your first charming, flirtatious views, that smile that cracked your face and hacked my heart.
Single
For a large part of my life I tried to disappear. Based on fear. Fear of how I would be accepted from the world around me, fear of the unknown, fear of the seeds of malice that could possibly be sown. Only until last year I put it on my list to seek out the company of others, but it's led me down that dark path once more. I said to myself last year before this search for romance I'd take a stance on abstinence from that life, seeking only friendships. Someone I met by happenstance filled my mind with bad advice for me personally. I told them I was only looking for a friend and not a companion, and they argued with me veraciously, made me feel less of a human being for my choice to express my voice, for my choice to have my own individuality by myself without the aide of another soul to satisfy the hole that I thought was there. I was scared. I didn't want to end up old and alone at that point, so I met up with a man from my past who tore my fragile esteem down even more. I'm only just beginning to realize, it's not important anymore. It's not a need, I can leave that life anytime and basically become like a nun. I can take time to reflect, take time to grow and mature, take time to be sure of myself before I ruin anymore friendships and relationships before I jump in with the ones who are not right for me. So being single and alone is not a slump. I don't have to let a man control my emotions, don't have to wait on the phone for a call that will never come, or some foreign sense of wonderment, and contentment that ends so quickly and makes my emotional state so sickly. I begin to learn to esteem myself only then will I be able to learn to love another. And I'm in no hurry for the right guy. When he comes, he will come. When it is meant to be I will see.
My Everyday Life
I'm listening to a new Carly Simon album. No, it's not new but it's new to me. Thinking of my friend Dime, yes that's his name, it's short for something foreign. I could call him, but most of the time we text, sometimes I wonder what's the next detachment from being sociable. I'm in a mellow mood today, not wanting to face facts about harsh reality. I have not stress really to speak of, so I'm not too worried about it for now. Of course, the future has things in store that may be hard for me to keep up with, to implore justice to my responsibility and make my life heavy. I'm beyond thrilled I have little to concern myself with now, other than my frail emotional state, and often sentimental side that gets me into trouble. I have some skills to occupy my time. Writing, drawing, anything creative anything to open my mind and let me live. I'm a starving artist by trade at this present date. It's not terribly unnerving. I make enough to make a living, barely, but still enough. I acquire enough sent to me to pay my rent and the one bill I have to dread over. Instead of worry about power, cable, water, and furniture, it's all included in my rent which is nice. This is pretty much my everyday life.
Sanctuary
A bright orange light fills the dinge of a cave once slaved to solitude. This silent, dry cave is for hiding, for fortitude. This is a safe place away from the bustle of watchmen, huntsmen, archers and rush of soldiers that linger outside. Be quiet, be still here and have no fear from the night. Rest, rejuvenate your bones whilst I heal you among these ancient stones. Let the dread abate. Rest your head in my lap, I'll water your wounds with oil and a shard of mine guimp. They have soiled your name my darling, they have cast of cloud of doubt upon the people of the town. We will wait here for as long as need be, you will see, we will be prime all superlative with time. The king's order will not last forever, we here as refugees live here temporarily. There are no cathedrals proximate to hide us from your adversary so for the time now this is our makeshift sanctuary.
Contract
This guy who is not right for me is blocking my sight, blocking my light to find what I truly seek. I've been too meek in the way I've handled things so far. I have so many scars that need to be healed, so many wounds gone unconcealed. So many heartbreaks so many times in a row, I feel as though my mind and soul are being pulled in by an undertow. Deep down in my despair, I'm only looking for a good man to console me, to hold me down when I'm ready to run. To never be ashamed of me, to proclaim to all he knows he'll never let me go. I see all these diamond couples everywhere it seems on the street. Is it a crime that I desire something just like that? A relationship to last, someone to be there for me steadfast. It should not be too much to ask. This is my heart's crying out for anyone who will hear. I have no fear of what the world precipices of me, this is my therapy. The keyboard is mightier than the sword. It ruins me every time it seems, I type the things that drive men away, but I cannot sway from my own emotion. I write what I know, I write what I feel just steadfastly waiting for someone else who is real to seal the deal.
Ancient Meadow
I see an ancient meadow in my sight, reminds me of a time when we took flight together high above the night. Our wings stretched out over the mountain crest, we headed to our home, our nest. I have this aching, this yearning deep inside my chest to be the best you’ve ever seen to go back to the ancient meadow to see the green fields again, to rise in splendor above the ashes of insanity and mediocrity, six thousand times like a phoenix.
Enough
Tired of being used, tired of being abused. No, not from your fist. From merely the list of demands, you place on me. I'm not a slave; I gave you a home, a place to stay. I was with you when you felt so alone. I tried my best, but after the emotional test that I must have passed since I saw you last, the daily excruciating lack of freedom is gone. I'm where I belong. Alone, and for quite a while. I won't be fooled; I won't be beguiled. Not taken for granted, not shoved like a haus frau shoves her casserole in the oven, which goes to waste in the gullet of an unappreciative husband. Love is patient, and kind and I've been those things when I loved you. But now, I have fallen out of love, mutual respect is something that is required of me. Freedom and independence to make my own decisions is something that is desired of me. I wish you well, the best in life, and hope that you learned you cannot treat someone like a doormat and expect flat out adoration for desolation of emotion.
Midyear Resolution
There's been some bridges I wish I'd never burned. There's been some tables I wish I'd never turned. Yes I have
had regrets I'd be lying if I said I didn't. However, there is no use sighing in what could've been or what
should've been. I do my best to forget my blunders and flip ups. I've found deep down that I have the skills, the
need, the drive to rise above my child side, and yet retain my innocence like a child to forgive myself and everyone
around me. I'm done with that old life of negative strife, lies, and bitterness. Ready to begin again with love, fueled
by passion and determination to get things right this time around in my life. I have a birthday soon, and yes it's
totally true I did make a New Year's resolution this year that I did not keep. To be a kinder, gentler version of myself
the man I used to be. But as my birthday falls into the middle of the year, I can now leap ahead, and you might
want to try it too my dear. To resolute not just for the start of a year, but mid wise if you fail, or otherwise bail.
Whatever you desire to change about your life, don't be ashamed if you failed first go round. Life is a lesson, and in mine
I've learned that when you treat others with disrespect you reflect all that negativity, all that energy back to the source,
yourself.
Humanity vs. Animal
Incense flowing down the steps like a tear of bliss from the corner of my lips, gravity lifts the smell to the olfactory. Golden light in sight begins to seep through the bleeding night as it gently turns into daylight. In my sight I spy a magnificent bird with outstretched feathers like an angel from the translucent rain soaked window from the night before when the blast of storm happened. Life unfurls before my eyes, drama, peace, gossip, hate and I suddenly realize that all but one of these traits is exclusive to humans.
Contract
This guy who is not right for me is blocking my sight, blocking my light to find what I truly seek. I've been too meek in the way I've handled things so far. I have so many scars that need to be healed, so many wounds gone unconcealed. So many heartbreaks so many times in a row, I feel as though my mind and soul are being pulled in by an undertow. Deep down in my despair, I'm only looking for a good man to console me, to hold me down when I'm ready to run. To never be ashamed of me, to proclaim to all he knows he'll never let me go. I see all these diamond couples everywhere it seems on the street. Is it a crime that I desire something just like that? A relationship to last, someone to be there for me steadfast. It should not be too much to ask. This is my heart's crying out for anyone who will hear. I have no fear of what the world precipices of me, this is my therapy. The keyboard is mightier than the sword. It ruins me every time it seems, I type the things that drive men away, but I cannot sway from my own emotion. I write what I know, I write what I feel just steadfastly waiting for someone else who is real to seal the deal.
Three Words
Time without you goes by so slow, I don’t know how much longer you’ll be gone. I long to get back to that state we were in just a few days ago, so much passion heating up the night. I’ve seen the light in your soul and it harkens me closer, I will never stray away. I want you to feel somehow what you’re doing to me my lover. The fire deep within my mind will never subside, for to go away from you would be a crime. As the tides of life swish in the ocean of the universe, I somehow sense every word you say before you begin; a love so strong is beginning to begin, never to subside, never to hide. Hidden deep within your mind is a fear of saying those words to me from the others who’ve steered clear in your life. I promise you I won’t reject you when you say the words I long to hear with all my consciousness. I’ll give it some time, I know you like to take things slowly, and here I am the romantic one always in a rush. I just want it to be perfect, to flow.
Forlorn Disillusionment II
Why must cupid shoot his trajectory in my direction? All my life my soul has been searching and never finding, seeking but never gaining. It's still the same, this sense of malaise, this daze, this fog, this unbridled, never subsided grog I'm under. I fall for a guy, head over heels, I think I can sense that he feels the same way, but I set myself up for defeat. I wish I could take a seat, away from the arena, away from the gladiator battlefield of hearts. But I can't. I seek still for stars in the eyes of a man whom I know I'll never find. I don't understand why I can't keep a man. I'm beautiful, I'm sensitive, and kind, witty, and charming. It is it just my lot in life? Do I scare them away with my gumption for love when all they desire is lust? Feeling disillusioned towards the entire scenario of casual fellatio. That's never what I wanted, I desire something more, something concrete. Something more than just chemistry under the sheets.
Angels
Thank you to my silent guides. The angels around me who comfort me in times of sorrow, protect me from the cuts of danger that come near. Their white-gold feathered wings sing songs of solace, their halos beam bright shining up the night dispelling evil, guarding against the devil. Without Michael and the others, Raphael, Muriel, Ariel, and Marmonel I would be lost in utter despair. Their purposes each tell a vivid story, they are livid against the foes of God. Intrepid beings full of pure grace, always patient, never doing anything out of haste. They bless me with their mercy gifted to them by the creator of all things, they help my mind sort through and get sifted through the lies that would cloud my judgment with pure brilliance and goodness sent from above. They have such love for me, immeasurable, and abundant, and without them I know I would truly fall. They are nearby, near to my beckon call willing to help me in times of trouble, willing to forgive when I am at my most culpable. So I thank my silent guides, these angels all around whom I do not see, who reaffirm my needs in protecting me.
A New World
Swirls of liquid move around the pools of desire like fire. Quenching the thirst, drenching the soul and erasing the cold. Passion and compassion mold into one supreme being. The theme of seeing, even from the blind. The idea of life. We will move with our spirits, we evolve into acrobats, soaring over the looming clouds of despair, here in the opposite of fear. We cross the rivers of our lives with stride, we envision more than survival more than plain life we gain true independence, true resilience like a gladiator. The past fades, the future is brighter than ever, life and love and more abundance to speak of than ever before. We soar, we do not falter, we do not stumble, we do not crumble. We persevere, a new thing is happening right here, right now, on this earth, in this world. Eyes all around are being opened. We are giving CPR to the heart of our planet by the kindness and goodness we let flow outward to each other. It's never over, good always shall prevail. The smallest light can sting even the strongest darkness. Hark toward those who can give insight, let their sparks of light merge with yours and we will be brighter than ever before spewing love like a geyser.
Mind Meanderings
There is a shoreline on some distant horizon. I spied it long ago in a memory seldom trod in my mind, a smell brings it back. A sign that it's okay to sit and reminisce. I felt free then, not tied down by the sound of my own silence. I was in paradise at that point in my life, for several years it seemed everything went my way. Everyday was filled with happiness, solace, serenity. I was never, ever bored or felt drudged. Love was all around me. Nothing smudged my mind with negativity, and I was truly happy. I had my family close to me, my friends support was overwhelming. It's the same today, but lessened a bit. The friends are still there, but the family are scattered about. My story is a riches to rags scenario. Both monetarily and spiritually. At first, the thought of living alone was compelling. Now the sense of loneliness I feel here is overwhelming. This though, this dry dessert time is temporary. I'm ready now for the contemporary, ready to get out and explore what's out there, ready to find the wide world past my door. Past this hole in the wall I've begun to call home, ready, willing, able, and yearning to experience all that's beyond, under this great dome away from my hearth called earth.
Hunter
Gentle dreamer, silent screamer lifting up his eyes to the silent sky. His faithful wolf by his side, hunting in the night. The huntsman cries over his prey. Tonight he needs no light to spy the sight in his mind's eye. Gently bending, he reaches for his bow. He knows what he will find as he pulls his arrow taught. The thing he sought for with all his will is still waiting to be caught. A behemoth creature, massive girth descends to the earth. This feast will nourish him for several fortnights. He gathers the beast and begins to prepare the meal, the hide from the massive mammoth will supply him with warmth tonight from the blistering freeze that begins to set in. This is how he strives to live, these were days in ancient times before our fast food lives, before our grocery store drives, before everything was handed to us when we had to fight our way through life, to fight for our very lives daily from insane beasts needing to eat.
Humanitarian Loner (A dedication to Sylvia Browne)
Your empathic gift touched the souls, hearts, lives, and minds of so many individuals through the years. You have given so much hope to those who have lost their family, friends, lovers, spouses, or anyone who was dear to their heart. You made the people left behind feel near to them. You healed them. Now that you have passed, at long last, we are trying to cope, trying to reach out for more hope. It is hard, yes, we toil but we are living the legacy of life you brought to us through your light. You would wish for us to remain strong, grief is a long process, never-ending on this earthly realm. However, when we are re-birthed into the spiritual plane we will gain peace and be in your company to partake of your grace once more and in a brighter, higher, greater way. You are never gone from us, your soul continues on, helping and guiding as you did in life. Your teaching still will bring healing to countless others far into the reaches of the future. The nurture you provided will never subside. I had the privilege of having one single important question answered by you, and in this I felt somewhat closer to you. I asked simply, "what is my theme?" and the answer was simple. "Experiencer/Loner" This knowledge has brought me closer to a greater realization about myself. And I can relate to you, in a way maybe as I bury my mind in study on my themes, because Loner is your secondary theme as well. Your first is Humanitarian and you have expressed this to bless others. You will be missed for a period, but when we are all reunited we will feel at utter contentment, peace, happiness, and bliss.
Love
Love makes you crazy, happy, sad, angry, mad, giddy, silly, jealous, and zealous. Love is a demon and an angel.
Space
Space is a lonely place, so cold away from the human race. So beautiful, so mysterious,
so dark yet so stark, scary and even deadly. Life out here is not for the faint of heart.
Torn away from your family for long periods of time it should be a crime to select this type
of lifestyle. Yet, we travel on like the master sea captains of old because we are explorers
conquering a bold new horizon we've set our eyes on.
Hope
There is a light so tiny in my heart burning in the night. This light tells me through the slew of onslaughts I face during the day, if I keep my sight on my goal for a better life I will be alright. There are times I feel when people and events beyond my control stole my light. Yet through it all, the light hears my beckoned call. If I only knew what my future holds in store, daily life would seem like less of a chore. I persevere, I steer my thoughts and emotion to a time in my future when everything goes smoothly again, like lotion. This lotion will be to me an aloe vera ointment, healing my disappointment and discontentment I have endured the past few years. I do not often cry, but I did tonight. I prayed and cried for a better life. My tears brought me healing I could not even begin to express. I reached down deep to my core and pulled up success. I began to feel less of a stress, less of a mess, less of a wreck. The daily grind can tear up anyone's mind. Now my entire life is a struggle. Soon, I will hug abundance and never let go. In winter there is harsh, bitter snow; then the older sister of spring steps in to heal us all from the cold which feels so old. This light helps me cope beyond belief. I see the light. This light is hope.
Escape from a Spider's Web
Another page turns in my life, I'm making a move in this chess game that seems more sage to me now. Less heartache will be a result of this I'm sure, less drama, less pain. Perhaps I can get back into kinder karma now, perhaps I can become more sane. I'm tired of everything I've had to endure since I plugged in this little black box to the lead ball and chain known as the world wide web. I'm sure it's an abyss, it's caused me nothing but determent, made me greedier, made me unkind to those I care about most, cruel and disrespectful like a domino effect of sorrow passed from one viscous barb of another to me, then to their unsuspecting soul attacked by the cold. I remember a time long before, a time of pure bliss and this was brought on by my kindness, everyone wanted to befriend me because of the light that emanated from within. Now the sin I've committed against my own soul has left me cold, and bitter not someone I desire to be in the least. I'm not a quitter by unplugging the entanglement of this spider-web, I'm stronger than most. I refuse to be a ghost shut out by the heavenly host, I'm going to make this change on purpose, though it will be a sacrifice.
Abandonment
Abandonment once again from the one less than infinitith man. I let these guys into my life, they come in with the guise of caring of empathy, and don't have the patience with me to see it through to the end. They do not understand me, sometimes I mold in my mind that no one can. I've sold my soul to another lover so droll, another man in my bed afraid to let go and love me. What is there left to be said? I work so hard to make them happy, I do my best but eventually my best isn't good enough. They can't handle the imperfection that all of us have, the dark side, the unkind side, the side that I try my hardest not to let come through until and only until I feel I have been used. I will not be changed to fit into what a man expects of me. I'm a free spirit, I need someone who isn't going to clip my wings of thought. Someone who isn't going to quench the fire with the stench of conformity. How can any relationship have any solidity with the harsh demands of society? Yet through all of this I persevere. I will not throw my hands in the air and admit defeat. I will not take my seat away from the dating pool, maybe I'm a fool but I will see it through until I find the gem in this ocean of sludge and drudge.
Stained Life
This so called relationship deteriorates with every word you do not say, with every day you do not stay with every night I sleep alone with every stone that builds up around the wall of my heart. I've sought with all my might for us to come back into each other's sight, in vain it seems as the sun parches mud baked hollows once full of vibrant streams. My words to you are callus, cold, stagnant, old barbs hoping to get some sort of rise. Night blinds my weary eyes, I can't see past the veil of darkness that clouds my sight. Silence of sound, I can't hear my heartbeat any longer, it's no longer stronger as it once was. Every day I feel less toward you, your silence speaks volumes to me. I'm stressed, yes who knows you could be living it up not even studying me at your best. My patience is beginning to slip, I dip my toes into the shallow pool of rudeness for once, changing my demeanor to you toward animosity, and envy for your happiness that you seem to make come so easily. It does no good to suffer needlessly, I'm tired of this string you are pulling me on this power you have over me like a sorcerer locking his prize away in a tower. I'm here in this tower, this humble cell of a home, afraid of the unknown with another man because I've grown so accustomed to you, so chained to the idea that I must be with you to be free. My life is becoming stained everyday you stay away.
Why Turn?
I've seen your unneeded insecure side, and I didn't run, I didn't shun. I've seen your selfish, proudful side and I didn't give you hell. I just want to see you more and more over and over and over again. Never-ending, intertwining our rough with work hands together. I want to give you all the love waiting in my chest, it's ready to burst, ready to explode, how will we know until we've succumbed to our weakness and given each other a chance to pull the rug of mistrust out from under our feet? How will we grow, if we are not ready to take another step? Let me in your heart, I won't destroy it if you just let me in. This is what I employ of you my love, my dove, just let me be me, let my emotions run free in a never-ending pool of white flame, Please. Tell me you feel the same.
Scuba-diver
A small brook begins to emerge from the corner of my eye. I linger toward this body of water. Something compels me toward it. The brook grows into a stream, then a river running wild. I submerge myself in the waves. The river rushes me along past a looming waterfall, tall and graceful, zooming above in a roaring intensity. I feel free bathing in this tranquility. The water engulfs me slowly as I submerge below the sea. I begin to see all types of fish of all sizes swimming around, a coral reef, no sound. My eyes are filled with the sight of aquamarine life. This is the closest I've ever come to taking flight. Here drifting in this water, I'm free from fright, total abandonment of spirit, total freedom and healing rushing in from all directions, total deflection of trepidation. My cares melt like butter in a frying pan. I reach my hand out and touch a starfish. I see a whale, a behemoth encircle in this emptiness of gravity. Purple kelp on the ocean's floor wafts in a circular motion. This is my emotion, my will, my energy, my life in this still, silent world amidst the sea-life, where there is neither day nor night.
Seeking
Some say wait around, some say hesitate, others still say get yourself out there in order to meet the man of your dreams. It seems to me everyone has advice to give, and everyone tries. But in all this trying are we trying too hard? Perhaps we should just live our lives with a steady balance of seeking and pacivity. The chemistry and gravity you will feel in your heart of hearts for the right one will surface in time if you let them in some kind of way. May I buck the system for a moment? May I say it's not about one soul-mate, it's more about luck. If you failed with someone who you thought in your mind was your soul-mate, why not try for another, there's not just one out there for anyone, not a perfect person for everyone, but there are several. Just give someone else a chance to open up their heart towards you, and you will see as well. It's okay to spend time alone for a period as well, don't be afraid of getting to know yourself before you know someone else. If you have friends, and/or family who care what else do you need? No need to stare down love when you're not ready. Keep that steady ember of hope though still in your heart, and maybe one day the ember will turn into a bright, roaring flame of passionate reality.
Before and After
Jupiter is quiet tonight. The satellites have all but died. The stars are like mice in the cosmos. Cronus sleeps tight, far away in some empty shell of vastness. Memory of cells reconvene into completeness. Planets intertwine with life, meeting new destinies and eternities. The light begins to leap, begins to bleed, begins to seep from the cold, quiet abyss to completeness, and warmth then hearth.
Negativity Brings Detriment to Yourself
In this silence, in this absence, this unserene stillness, I feel like I'm drowning. Longing and reaching to feel alive again. I desire the times when I was living free, I had so much energy, I was never bored, never restless. I had a period of life for about four years there without strife, I was not poor. I had whatever I desired at my door, I had holiday often going to wonderful destinations. Slowly it began a long cessation. I purchased a computer, with internet access and the lure beckoned me in deeper. I began a long addiction to gaming lasting close to a decade. It was the ace of spades that sucked the life out of my mind. I was different before, before the snide remarks of the people there tore a hole in my heart like Cerberus. My family and closest friend noticed, they suffered the blunt of my reciprocation. I had a tendency to assign whipping boys as they'd say, or kick the cat for lack of a better term when comments didn't go my way. This was the pawn that started the chess game, the first domino in the string of multiple falling ones to ensue. Time passed again, I felt better, happier. I was at a place where I felt free to be myself in every way, felt loved, and for the first time popular. I have the power to go there again but I force myself to stay up late for what I don't know, to what end it's unclear just to live this net addiction life and build up even more strife. People I associate with when away from my real home (this box/jail/apartment/hotel is not a home) treat me like a fool with such cool, cutting words.
Self Talk
Why do I sabotage my own happiness? Just when things go my way, just when night blends to day I tend to compound and drown the flame with the water of my emotional zodiac sign. Many times I've desired a time machine to backtrack the words I've spoken out of frustration or the misunderstandings that surround my nation of friends and those closest to me. I need a dose of reality, I'm lost in a world devoid of simplicity. So much discord I want to just break free, I want to be let loose from the chains that this mediocrity society puts on me, it's a noose around me. I have a perpetual yearning, a burning, a white fire deep in my core ready to soar, but I feel so tied down, so stuck to the ground. I have wings like an eagle on my back, but because of lack of everything I need to get me in motion these wings are more like wings of a rooster. I want to see the ocean again, I want to swim in the surf I want to be able to morph back to what I was before people did so much damage, I was brighter, I was nicer, I had more light, less of a need to fight I desire to do good to be positive with all my will but the weakness of myself and others has the power to kill this. I just wish it to end, and it will I'm sure I've got to allow myself skill to get it to go, to melt the snow of winter, to bring a new spring light into my life. I believe with all my being it will happen in time, when I am kinder like I was once before, the light that attracted people to me the right kind.
Kindred
I'll be here. I'll be here under the umbrella tree, here in serenity. I'll be here alone, waiting on you to call on me, waiting to fall. I'll run through the halls knocking on every door until I find the man behind the right one. He's there, I know it, I feel it, sense it. It's tense, this apprehension, this impatience to fall in love. To be kissed by a dove, to have an earth angel grace my eyes. To have the courage and discernment to automatically know beyond a shadow of a doubt I've met my kindred, my own beloved. This is the point of my life where I'm still in my cocoon of learning still yearning. Soon I will emerge from my turtle shell ready to sail, ready for the tale to begin, ready to let him in.
Cure for the common funk
The wind moves peacefully here, here in the lack of fear. Behind the cloak of serenity lies empathy, congeniality, and amicability. To fill your eyes, the window sill to the world with joy, to void out negativity. To instill mercy abundantly toward others. To give gifts of comfort, to listen to a hurting soul to let go of control, to partake in grace and feed yourself light, not hate. There is something you can try. Just a test, see if it works. When you feel depressed, offer consolation to another instead of seeking it for yourself. I promise it will bring you out sooner than you'd think. The clouds of despair that loom around you will suddenly cease, it works for me. I don't mean to sound callus, but depression is when you are at your most selfish. You are concerned only with your own woes. Once you know this, you can heal yourself and begin to cope.
Success?!
I'm moving like fluid, slowly like ooze, never intrepid toward my goal of betterment and higher achievement. Success doesn't happen in an instant, it's a long, hard, tedious process to earn a grace period. My myriad of emotion is perpetually set in motion. At birth I took a potion of imagination consisting of a lighter fluid of creativity ready to spark this flame within me. I'm ready for it to begin again, if I'm not creating something I feel so dead inside. I'm ready to to take pride in my life, to not be a failure any longer, to no longer suffer. I'm ready to live comfortably again, ready for the sin of my past karma to end. Creativity is not a hobby for me any longer, I'm ready to be stronger not younger. Ready to move from past-time to career. Ready to live in abundance again, to clear the fog to smear the smog.
Forgive Me
Forgive me for showing any kind of human emotion. Forgive me for my wrath, for my infatuation, for my depression. Forgive me for not wanting to be a cookie cutter queer. Forgive me for not wanting to slut and club every night. Forgive me for not dressing how you think I should dress, acting how you think I should act, being who you think I should be. Forgive me for being me. Forgive me for choosing to live in poverty as a starving artist instead of a model. Forgive me saying exactly what's on my mind. Forgive me for addressing the elephant in the room. Forgive me for not skirting the issue. To my traditional family forgive me for being gay. Yes, please forgive me for being what I cannot change even if I tried. Forgive me for my angst. Forgive me for not being compassionate every second of every hour. Forgive me for wearing my heart on my sleeve. Forgive me for complaining. To all the jealous people, all the haters, forgive me for being happy. Forgive me for my history. Forgive me for my future. Forgive me for being child-like. Forgive me for being childish. Now I ask you, you've seen all these faults of mine. Which one of you hasn't felt the same?
Yearning
During this holiday I'm supposed to be happy. It's supposed to be fun, yet he is not with me. He's my sun, his eyes shine so bright with laughter I want him by my side forever after, never apart. My heart can't take these long distances any much longer, when I do see him I will long to embrace him like never before, to hold him, to gently kiss him, gently kiss the side of his mouth, feel his body next to mine keeping me safe from the cold. I feel sold into the slavery of what others expect of me to be near to my family on this holiday, when I'd much rather be with my lover. Still I have to be undercover with my family and hide my true self (as if they don't have eyes to see my fem side). Soon I will be back in sync, at my home again, in his arms again, falling under his charms.
Relations
Just when you think you've won, you must begin again. Just when you get the ounce of courage to tell someone they mean something to you, they spurn you. It churns your soul, it burns your core. Why do men store their emotions? Why are there so many conditions? You get false hope built up only to be dashed like a broken cup. I've invested so much time in this guy, so much energy, so much life, and it could be ruined with one fell swoop. One click of the wrist for everyone to look on facebook. I just want to be happy with one man, yes I rush in, why must he condescend? And then there's the back story of my ex butting in. These men I've been involved with lately say, we're not together, or we never were. I think it's a little more special than that. You don't lead someone on like that for a month, just to declare. We've only been hanging out here. Hanging out is friendly, chilling, sitting, talking. Not fucking, sharing emotion, falling in love. When I hang out with my friends, I don't tell them they mean the world to me, just sayin. All my life I feel like they've been playing. The first boyfriend said, "I'm starting to develop feelings for you and that scares me." What the fuck? It's just just my luck, I'm gorgeous, I'm sensitive, and kind, a good man, generous despite my poverty, why can't I have a long term relationship too? It's not fair to me. They leave after 3 months of fun based off of some crazy notion. I have emotion. I'm not afraid to let it flow, to let it grow. Why run? Being in love is fun, not a chore, not a bore. Someone special holds the key to the door of my heart, but how can come in if he doesn't open it? I'm coping, barely. Soon it will come to culmination. Soon I'll have absolution. Soon it will be as it should be, truly happy.
Strive Live
Show some resilience, some self-sufficiency, some perseverance. Do not allow people to get you down, moping, hoping blindly. Rise above their barbs, snares, and snake-handling canoodling. So you aren't in a clique, so you aren't popular. All you can be is sincere. Have no fear of what others will say or think of you, if they disagree big whoop. A person's mind does not define you. Who cares what the world thinks of you, you are the brightest light, the kindest most generous person in sight. You do good, no one sees it, do not do good to be a people-pleaser, do not do it to tease yourself into thinking you are gaining something in return. Be empathetic, sympathetic, listen to another person's problems for once instead of dwelling on your own. It's not all about you (or me) when you see the good you can do for another being then you will have peace, not a moment before. Don't try to keep up with the Joneses to even up the score. Be you in all your glory, strength, weakness, sadness, happiness. Soar above. Rise from the ash like a phoenix high above the night sky. When you fall, you come back brighter each time. Stronger, don't fall into that despair and sink in that mire, you are a liar to yourself if you think it will bring you higher. Claim back your power, and be a doer, not a thinker.
Forlorn Disillusionment
Just when you open up, they close up. I want someone to go gung ho, full throttle of unbridled emotion. Someone not afraid to hide his passion. Someone glad to be with me, not ashamed, someone to let it flow, openly, like fluid. So many men scared of jumping in too fast, why not get on this roller-coaster with me? Why not throw caution to the wind, I just want something to last longer than a day, longer than a week, or a month or three. I want him to be with me, not turn from me when I need him the most, not become another ghost ex. Since when do we no longer equate sex with intimacy? For heaven's sake show a little love in my direction, not disregard for my emotion that I let run free. Let me be me, no more caution, no more trepidation. Show forth true and utter unfettered pink-tinted happiness. Warm my heart, don't chill it. I'm beginning to get disillusioned to the folks who show me they care then ensnare me with such perfection, a hard cold stare, no share my life. Erase the strife. Hide the knife.
The One
I have doubts in my mind that are eradicated the moment you knock on my front door. The germs from past karma disinfected in the storehouse of soul cleaning supplies you provide. Your laughter, your smile, your face, and desire illuminate my mind like a rainbow volcano of colour. Long has my heart been stored in a chest locked deep in a tower, waiting for a prince to come rescue me from the silence of life. Love exists, it can for you too, I'm living proof. Do not let one man who broke your heart in the past define who you will be for eternity. Be open, ready, and willing to find another and you will. Still believe, do not perceive an obstacle as the end until you have talked to him yourself, and you will see, you have the power within to be free with another human being by your side. Never lie to yourself or your partner, and you'll be alright.
Sheep's Clothes
His eyes are like halos, yet his heart is dark. Beware of this imp with a white glowing aura and white-gold wings. He'll tear a hole in your bleeding heart, he'll entice you with sin and then scar your mind and life with bitter sordid lies. He's a devil in disguise, dressed to kill to the nines, he'll treat you well at first, like a tender embrace of a black widow! I'm warning you because I care for you dear-heart, don't get entangled with his kind, he's a villain, he's a criminal, full of evil. This world did a number on him, and he's not ready to turn to good. You can't make him be what you desire, that fire is phony. He'll only leave you lonely. You'll see, you'd have been better off not to fall into his trap, he'll take you out and leave you hanging like all the rest before who have passed through his door. Take my heed, you don't need this enticer.
Raven II
Granted, I'm feeling disenchanted, stealing happiness from myself; putting blissfulness back on the shelf. I've changed, for the worse I see it, I feel it. I once had a good spirit, but it's been put in a hearse. I was once so full of light, and full of patience, and meekness. Now my sight has become filled with night. This is the reason we fall from grace, why our innocence of lace from birth turns to hate. It's the people around us. I had a man who took me by the hand, showed me love, let it flow, said he loved me. Suddenly, he turned on me he showed me jealousy, showed me envy, showed me evil. I thought we had something special, but I ruined it from cheating, mistreating him, and he never forgave me for this one slip. His words are poison in my ears. Tearing me down, building my walls strong, reinforcing my fears. Coalescing my hermit crab shell. Close to a year has past since this incident, I tried to remain friends with him but it's hard. I need to be able to discern more, to guard my feet, and not fall so deep so fast.
Fading Memories
Your memory slowly fades into grey mist in my mind. I try with all my might to hold on to a glimmer of light to take away this dying I feel inside but I cannot hide. I'm unable now to even remember your face, we've been separated for a few days only, but this absence is palpable, it's bringing me under. I would desire nothing more than for you to be my lover, but every hour, every day we are apart, I feel my heart turn icier. I cannot contain this strain, this disdain I feel for myself. You are suffering a crisis and somehow beyond our control I cannot be able to hold you and comfort you like I should. I don't know which direction I'm moving in, it's so confusing. One day I'm over the moon, then too soon due to circumstance my sappiness has been circumvented into apathy. I feel most alone, so quiet here by myself, so solo. I dare not seek comfort in the arms of another, for you are my only desire. I'm weak, I'm tired of trying to be happy with another individual. I need time to think, to ponder. Where was my life before this took place, before I went seeking men. I was happier, less lusty, yes but heartbreak was foreign to me, now these gusty winds have all but built a fortress so strong I can't begin to let another in.
Time
Time relates to rain. Days go slowly, or quickly, these factors depend on how lazy or active one is, how creative or malaised one is, so sectors of time, little widgets we keep track of to seep into the flack we allow ourselves can be compared to falling skies of water or even fire. Once a flickering ember, growing stronger, or a drizzle that torrentially becomes a cripple, even a gust so strong it brings out a thrust like a hurricane. Time can make someone go insane figuratively, eventually literally if left to our own devices. The indecisiveness begins to lift with counsel from a friend or confidante, then once more we become nonchalant. Easily filled with boredom, then we go again, and find something to occupy our mind and recommence back to feeling a sense of freedom again. Time never ends. It's continually moving. There is even a theory that it is looping, and as we do see even in our frame of mind history repeats itself. Now in this instant which has already passed as you read this infinite actions have occurred throughout the universe. The thing that brings new life and insight to time is what we as human beings choose to do. All of our actions impact every facet of our existence, perhaps as another theory clearly dictates there are dimensions where different actions happened than in our plane. I'm quite sure this verse I have just rehearsed gave quite a few of you a headache, perhaps even a chill, still I hope this made you think a bit more than usual. This is certainly not for a casual reader, or someone with closed ideas to grasp Gia's plans.
Heartbeat
There is a sound so quiet, almost silent, yet terribly profound. It's a pumping noise buried in all of our chests. This life giving vibration in our breast. Our surroundings and situations culminate together. Rest your head here. Free your mind from care. Listen to my heartbeat, go away from the party, away from the street, away from the noise of the city. Get lost in the tremulous thunder of my pounding chest. With your ear next to my heart, let your mind go under the waves of my core. Swim deeper and deeper, soar whilst you swim. While I hold you, I caress your hair, you feel my heartbeat grow stronger. I want you to feel it, I want you to know what you're doing to me. I want you to know it's going to be fine as long as you are by my side holding me like this, like twins naked in the womb before birth. Feeling this blessed intertwining of our souls, never droll, never cold. Always full of life, warmth, harmony, and light. Let this night, this one night drag on and last a fortnight, no the brevity of eternity.
The Human Race
We're quite possibly the strangest species on the planet. Easily confused, easily amused, very peculiar beasties indeed. Our infants are the single most dependent beings on the planet, and even as adults, so are we. We must have so much, we have things we think of as needs. We say it's not about our deeds, but inwardly we're thinking YES! mark that one off the list. We get some sort of thrill out of making another individual feel less than they are via streaming insults. We hide our envy and bitterness behind civility. The harshest cruelty, the most inspiring poetry, and the most passionate sexuality comes from our tongues and fingers, horse and riders in comparison to our inward being. We praise and degrade, at times in the same sentence. If confronted we more often than not skirt admittance, yet through all of these negative aspects there is light in our psyche. We are an amicable folk, kindhearted, brave, friendly, sociable, gently spirited beings. We seek to bring joy to another in any way we can. From the tender embrace of a lover, to the greater picture and whole of mankind. We have soul, we have passion, elegance, and some sort of relevance each and every one of us in this strange, exotic, dangerous, and psychotic world we call earth.
Muse's Torch
Deep in my heart stirs a spark. A tiny flickering ember, that slowly grows stronger. Soon it's an outrageous flame that can't be contained. The flame begins to build, and grow, begins to flow from my heart, to my mind, to my hands, to my eye. My muse is on call hovering nearby, whispering rhymes to go along with the times of my life. A door hinge opens, and a flood of orange colored emote begins to explode. Inspiration gives birth to realization, fruition begins to emerge from the depths of my subconsciousness like the Loch Ness leviathan rising from the depths of the ocean. I take steps, at fist baby heading then later and greater into leaps and bounds, I've set forth the hounds of desire, of anger, of goodness, and evil, and given them food stuffs from the meat of my life and time for them to thrive, sustain and survive for the rest of my life.
Own a Day
Own a day, attack a day with the ferocity of a warrior. Show no slack on letting your emotions run free, let them bleed out for all to see. Rise up, be strong, be courageous, if you fall because of lies, simply pick yourself up the dusty ground and go for round two, three, four, as many times at it takes to prove to the world you are unique and outrageous. Don't let another individual define you, judge you, or scrutinize you. Snap the umbilical chord of self-pity feeding you deceit from the mother of the system. The way people imagine you should be. Don't live in a world of I could be someone else, or if I had another family I'd be better off, take what you have, live. Give of the world, not what they want you to see, but what you want to be in all of your flaws in all of your aches that gnaw on your heart, be open, be honest with those around you and yourself, blunt if you have to. Just feel it, feel it in your gut and let it out. It's not about status, it's not about knowledge, it's not about what can please us, it's about what is right in your eyes. It's okay to have a fit, it's okay to be angry, and channel your rage in productive ways I'm sure even a sage would agree with me when I say don't put up with bullshit, not only from others but from yourself as well. Don't feed yourself your mind, and your eyes lies about your self worth, it just puts you in an emotional hell. Be fierce, be 100% unashamed, be 100% inflamed with passion, to put out the water of stagnation. One more thing if you're gay, don't be afraid to be this way. So I say, own a day.
Goodness vs Ego
The growth of your wings takes time. Patience and perseverance are two things that come to mind. You are forever reaching to gain and endeavor goodness and light, let it ring true with so much good it overflows. No one knows the capability of good in the human heart, no one knows how soon they will emerge from their cocoon, to experience life without strife. May your words, deeds, and actions forever instill in others harmony and balance hope still if you are able no matter what life brings you. There are times in this life when we fight so hard to keep what is in our sight, to keep our own personal frame of mind alive, to push our own ideas on an unsuspecting crowd in a quiet yet loud approach. We try to put our ideas a notch ahead of the rest, to strive to be the best, but why? For what purpose, we cannot take our status with us to the grave, we behave like neanderthals in this modern age, or the savage Romans of old conquering all that is in their sight with the mentality of to the victor go the spoils. This attitude soils your white plume you'd wish to have in tact. We think we know all the facts, but we can't begin to grasp the tip of the iceberg. Then you move on to those I mentioned at the first, who strive to bring life to their eyes to be cheerful despite the gloom this world can so easily swirl all around us. There is not all doom, a pinpoint of light can dispel the darkest night. Who can tell the wonders each and every one of us is capable of if we just allow ourselves to be, if we simply allow ourselves to finally, and truly see.
My Lover, My Best Friend
Of all the lovers of my past that didn't last, it's because your the only one I truly felt comfortable to be myself around. The only one who did not require any changes be made of me, the sound of your voice, your cadence, your fragrance makes me feel at home somehow, like my best friend for life came in to end the strife. You don't get offended over stupid shit, or all my loopy attitudes you're too cool for all that jazz. Fulfillment, friendship, commitment. Loyalty, trust, chivalry. These things are not foreign to me now that you're here. I yearn to give you so much love, I yearn to tell you how I really feel, perhaps I'm waiting on you to say those words to me, to relay the message to my mind to give me reassurance that I will no longer feel abandonment like I did in the past. A song comes to mind, the beautiful, lyrical song At Last by Etta James. It's like the angels penned our names together before the dawn of time to be together in some ancient record of light and life. Never again will I feel alone as long as I'm with you; even thinking about you, you've brightened my life with sun rays so bright piercing even my darkest night. You've shown me so much support and care, forever there, never stagnant, ever fragrant and you keep coming back for more. We're best friends and lovers as well, something very rare.
Infinity
Don't you want to reach up to the cloud in the sky and pull it down to your chest instead of laying on the ground having pity for yourself? Don't you want to aim for the highest star in the galaxy to do better than your best, do go beyond to the call of God into the greater unknown, ready to explode your soul into an unfathomable cosmic reality to unfold into a never-ending, forever looping eternity of infinity surrounding your mind, being, consciousness, and touching every fiber of your complete mortal essence. To grasp in your hands if you could the bigger picture, the larger order of the world to be guided by wisdom and not heed the endless seeds of folly that fall to the grounds of your mind and eyes from over stimulation in this world. Do you not wish to gain a higher way, to leave behind the mediocrity of your mind for a completely new dynamic. Feel the cinematic of nature unfold before you, it's so much greater than you've given it credit for. The things we think of as minor are infinitely complex, every facet is different yet the same, like a dialect. Skillfully, tactfully, gracefully made in complexity. Open your eyes to see it had to part of a greater scheme. Innumerable facets and dimensions in a single organism, yes even a single celled being going down to the atomic, subatomic, then in greater amplitude we go higher to the sky, the heavens above us, the nearest star we see in our view on this small planet is 4.243 light years something we as small beings have never even dreamed to achieved on reaching. Imagine what else this great cosmic playing field holds. So much to be told and untold. So much, so lush, yet we choose to remain hush-hush.
My Gift
You are a gift, I've sifted through several to come to you. It's reminiscent of searching for a single precious Christmas present in a pile of the ashes of my past. At quite long last I've finally found a gift, precious one. You desire to make the world feel your laughter. You are greater in character than any other, so concerned with my desires nearly overwhelming so. You aim to please me in kind ways, these days I've needed this touch this perfect gift. It's so early, I am the constant fool who rushes in even true, though rare it is to find this gift so soon, I believe I've found it with you. It's beyond passion now, reaching to a higher step of consciousness on a more spiritual level. The mission I sought out to find sincerity has ended. May you never fret over how I perceive you, your entire essence conceives a new birth of light into my eye blinding bright. I am not psychic, but the sight of the future with you though it will have hardship will be worth it. My faith that this will work is not scathed by loves of the past that came to haunt me long ago. For this is a new era of peace and hope, so divine it intertwines and knits our souls further and deeper, you, my gift from God. You are a hero to me, you bring life to my weary bones with your smile you beguile on me with true laughter. You have the most fun person I've literally ever known, no joke. You remind me of the sun, so bright and vivid, so expressive. Life doesn't sit still for you, does it, dear heart? You make it bounce with every ounce of your being. You are a gift, and a very expensive one too.
No More Strife
What is this innate need to debate that is so prevalent within the human race? Do people really need to prove how sentient they are? All over the internet and many times in life, pretty much wherever you go I've noticed there is a constant struggle to verbally get someone at their jugular. To prove you are right, simply based on false pride. I don't care who you are, there is no need to lie to yourself. Whether you are The President or John Q. Public, why must your ideas and opinions take precedent? There's never a time to fight with so much strife, just walk away from a heated debate and try to live your life in a positive state of mind. When has it become such a crime to be kind? Has it been since the advent of the internet? We are acting childish here my friends with our words. The way a bully in school would send a kid crying to his teacher. Please tell me if I'm lying. All I'm trying to do is bring hope and encouragement to anyone lacking fulfillment. Fill your eyes, mind, and life with positive light. Not all of this envy, bitterness, lies, and strife. If someone doesn't accept what you say, no matter how minor or major, just walk way, don't be afraid to dust it off. It's never low to eat crow, to take back words you said to another to hurt or destroy. There's nothing wrong with being apologetic, if you keep in your sight that you do not always have to be right, you'll gain a deeper sense of understanding to all and you just might be rewarded in return for your kindness. Try with all your might, though it is hard to disable the blight of strife, no more strife, make it a goal. Be honest with yourself, don't tell a fable, would you have someone treat you right or miserable? Why not sympathize and empathize with more individuals, I promise it will bring healing to your life and mind.
Heaven
Oh little light, shining, burning bright in the fires of my heart and mind. You bring me comfort, you bring me solace and reassurance in the twilight. In the sight of my mind, I spy a horizon filled with the vast wonder of nature forever, never-ending, intertwining, guiding me onward. I try my hardest to look upward to my goal which brings my life hope. Through my darkest despair this enduring reassurance has helped me cope. It's a faith I have deep in my soul of souls that one day I will be free from all the snares, pitfalls, and grief of life. To one day rest in snow white angel wings of light, to experience one day all the things that were once a fettered illusion while in life. No more will I be fettered or disillusioned I will be utterly and completely free in every way, gaining new facets of insights about my existence, I will feel the air softly touch my cheek, I will seek out knowledge in a new ferocious way, no longer tied down by the mundane malaise or drudge I suffer here. I will have no needs, and all the seeds of goodness I planted while in this earthly incarnation will be rewarded. One day I will see, I will know even as I am known. "We are the shadows on the cave." as Plato said, in ancient days. This palpitation in my heart, this anticipation for the culmination of all good to be gathered together gives me hope, and courage to fight the night of life, to struggle through and finish the race, the graduation, the contract I have penned with God.
Pearls
Share your pearls with the world, if they do not hear based off fear or small minds simply ignore. They live their little lives in mediocrity, in similitude complaining that they're so bored OMG. Half of the world sees a scope beyond their field of vision where faith, hope, and love abide. The other half of the world are hard as diamonds, but even diamonds may get incisions to their core with the proper precision. The light guiders of the world should be like skilled surgeons, dealing with tact, determination, discretion, wisdom in this pact they made with God before their earthly incarnation. Our lives are meant to touch each others' with pure grace, sure there will be times when you don't feel wise, and never presume wisdom upon yourself, it's not becoming, all you can do is gently guide fallen earth angels looming in despair with mercy and care. Don't let your ego get flared, for the same instant this happens, God will humble you again to start from scratch. Do you catch my drift? I hope so. Hope. This is a constant theme I think, for me especially. Everyone is on earth I believe to teach another a lesson, my point for being here is to guide with hope. To show my stride of life, that I carry on despite my wanting, and the oppression of my past. When I have touched the last soul I was intended to touch, I believe I will fly home, never to feel alone.