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It is the time of the year when we reflect on the good and the bad, the funny and the sad. I’m celebrating your genius by posting five days’ worth of the funniest tweets of 2013 along with 100 photos from posts of the past year. Tweets of the Week appear in bold. Stay funny, my friends.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!
DadBeard I would gladly hide from my kids if they didn’t know how to get, and use, knives.
sbellelauren i’m bummed i’m not strong enough to punch my trainer yet
TravLeBlanc When you think about it, “I know you are but what am I?” is Descartes taken to the next level.
DadBeard HOW MY MORNING BEGAN: My son stomping on inflated balloons while wearing his mother’s high heels.
JulieFroolie Do people still iron things? I just try to fold pants carefully, then sit on them.
TwoAdults Eating a donut and drinking cranberry juice. Because I like my hips wide and my urinary tract healthy.
nerdamage This isn’t about popularity. It’s about punishing the Internet with your mind.
redsesame Trees are dog internets. When my dog pees on a tree, I just assume he’s adding a comment to a blog thread. That comment is always LOL WUT
JerryThomas Turns out failure was an option THE WHOLE TIME!
theleanover Pretty good day to get myself stuck in the window display at the Guess store.
ProfessorSnack At some point nature said “I don’t think the septapuss is quite what I’m looking for”.
kelkulus My best friend was a brother-from-another-mother until my mom heard about him and filed for divorce.
loveismayhem My precious sons have not stopped arguing yet. I think the time has come to eat them.
usedwigs I adjusted my office chair seat to be slightly taller than the trash can so I can easily wipe all my crumbs into it.
muffpunch My new year’s resolution is to not drop my blow dryer attachments into the toilet.
MyHairyLife Can’t tell if my 2 year old is screaming I LOVE JESUS or I LOVE CHEEZ-ITS.
meanniegirard If you don’t have anything nice to say, mumble it.
eliza_evans I thought I heard that beepy intro to Karma Police but it was the dishwasher.
wordlust I shot a man in Reno, but he had a Bluetooth, so it’s fine.
ieatanddrink Lotta people been asking me what boats are. Picture a car. Now picture another car. Now picture just 1 car again. Now 2 cars. Boats.
usedwigs Thinking about my teen glory days, hitting the open road, feeling free, driving 100 miles from Jersey to Philly with the emergency brake on.
ieatanddrink Whoever locates the source of the cat poop smell in my office can keep any CD-ROMs they find in the process
meowrey Patterned leggings: What you’re aiming for: Rihanna. What you’ll settle for: Robyn. How u really look: Someone’s bingo grandma.
biorhythmist “Pornosaurus” comes from the Greek words for “thunder jizzard”
shariv67 It’s like Quentin Tarantino’s face anticipated he’d someday be drawn as a Simpson’s character.
BridgetCallahan Theory: Cats never actually die. They just reincarnate immediately on somebody else’s back porch. Like Cylons.
JenBanksYEG My 75 year-old Great Aunt just posted this as her FB status: >3 Think she was trying to make a heart?
PolyesterPony Seriously, who wants to write my dating ad? I’ve just written penis one hundred times.
shinyinfo Haircut in 30 minutes. Expect pics if it turns out okay. Expect to never see me again if it doesn’t.
markleggett A large insect is in my bathroom, but I’m not sure exactly what type because I’m in my car now, driving far away from my house and my life.
isplotchy I am not kidding when I tell you I play air drums and lip synch and occasionally hit the air crash cymbals when I run. In public.
BtotheD If I was MC Hammer, I’d make my mantra, “Live Long and Proper.”
prodigalsam Do they make those harmonica holders but for sandwiches?
WilliamAder My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
keelayjams Crushed “AFRICA” so hard at karaoke that I made a dude bald on the spot.
ajlobster Putting flannel sheets back on my bed today ranks in the Top Ten Best 2013 Decisions; it’s right after bringing a pile of bacon to a potluck
runawaycupcake You retweet me.
azizansari Shoutout to the dude who created those gummy bears that are multivitamins. You are a national hero sir.
J__Swift Hello new followers! Know that you are loved. Probably by people who know you. Let’s not rush things.
iboudreau Good idea for National Day of Service: Volunteer to administer first aid to those participating in Gun Appreciation Day.
thomastowell Trying not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to steal for me.
MassageByTed Roughly half of my net worth is in padlocks for which I’ve forgotten the combination.
SarahThyre Next time I go to the doctor I’m just gonna say “I’m gross, right?” and I figure it’ll all be uphill from there.
shkeeber I’ve got my *tweetin’ pants on. *no
LOLGOP It’s invasive to do background checks! — the guys who demanded 13 birth certificates from the president
owlparliament You know what they say! Cold hands, heartless cold-blooded reptilian Illuminati new world order overlord!
LouisPeitzman I wish I could say, “I’m so cold” without IMMEDIATELY becoming Kate Bush and launching into “Wuthering Heights.”
mat Wish list for Vine: permalinks to videos, ability to edit titles, a user blocking feature, AND OH DEAR GOD UNSEE UNSEE UNSEE
MrWordsWorth Some mornings, you have nothing to do, and you wonder how early is too early to eat lunch and that’s how Taco Bell gets you.
DadBeard If you wink hard enough the eye behind the closed lid will move to the other socket and you will have two eyes in one hole. It’s fucked up.
inversejaik Needy Cat now meowing at my hand while I pet him: NOT PETTING FAST ENOUGH
littlehipsqks having a toddler is like a magical scavenger hunt for stuff you didn’t know was missing.
Toaster_Pastry God works in mysterious ways, like humiliating me in front of the neighbors.
harpyqueen “Do all Canadians poop all over the ground, or just the geese?” – question pondered by my spawn.
NoSpankYou “I’m either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony…I’ll decide in the car.”
weinerdog4life When one door closes another door opens and now you’re trapped in a door store, just great.
theleanover I don’t see what’s so super about a bowl.
briangaar ? I like the way you work it / no diggity / well that’s your yearly evalulation / mmmmmhmmmmm/ do you have any questions ?
tomhenrich “What’s your biggest strength?” “Severely inconveniencing myself to accommodate the poor planning of others.”
lifeserial I can honestly say I’ve never felt this way before, except for that time we had cake right after eating cake.
jennyvsjenny *sashays across all the treadmills shouting joey by concrete blonde into a three pound, purple vinyl coated handweight*
jillgengler Twitter, let it be known I don’t know where this conversation is going. I want to go back to pegacorns.
shelldash He was born with a microphallus? I’m sorry, but he’s probably not all that into you.
nayele18 My 6-year-old just had her arm stuck in a grocery cart for 10 minutes, and it was like watching the paternity test come back positive.
Classy_Cassy89 The best compliment I got all day was, “Do you have pink eye?”
sbellelauren i believe firmly in democracy but fuck it lets make hilary clinton king
JulieFroolie Deciding between cereal or toast. Meanwhile, salmon frantically swim upstream, trying to spawn.
laineydiamond Life has these tiny periods of time that are super amazing & wonderful & you just have to remember another one is just around the corner.
Toaster_Pastry I choose to pee every hour just for the me-time.
Molly_Kats She fumbled a lot of expensive stuff into her toilet. – my epitaph.
malenkayaptitsa It’s 66 in my office. I’m wearing mittens. Librarianship isn’t all excitement and awards. Sometimes it’s also shivering quietly at a desk.
TheRealDratch Now that i have a young son I find myself calling a lot of people “Buddy” by accident.
mitdasein I’m starting to think that Fifty Shades of Gray isn’t a Steve Martin memoir.
sweetandweak Not sure if this emptiness inside of me is shaped like 3 tacos but going to give it a shot anyway.
josephesque After this super bowl of vegan chili, I pray nobody intercepts what I pass.
josephesque When I say “Have a good one,” people don’t realize by “one” I mean “hair day.” I only care about hair.
pushinghoops it’s messed up how babies smell great but taste terrible
wordlust Everyone thinks they’re a nerd. Everyone thinks everyone else is a hipster. Everyone is actually an asshole.
runawaycupcake If I was a realtor I’d just say, “This house makes you look skinny!”
sixthformpoet The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.
Black__Elvis If that was a bottle of virgin olive oil it’s not anymore.
WordKitchenDC When I’m feeling really crazy, I turn up my stand mixer to 11
aparnapkin We are all seven Huffington Post slideshows away from finishing a minor task
pourmecoffee Have a storm plan. Which family members will be eaten first? Lead an honest, loving discussion based on merit and caloric value.
johnmoe When you have a baby, you’re not required to give if either parent’s last name. So go ahead and name your baby Sweatpants Sweatpants.
JermHimselfish Now that I am in my 30?s, a sausage party just sounds like a delicious way to spend the evening.
klooky love thine enemy. tickle thine enemy. imagine thine enemy wiggling madly, thine enemy begs you to stop. you do not stop. you are enemies.
jerryrenek Not one of you could spot Lisa Loeb in a lineup if she wasn’t wearing her glasses, so shut up about Clark Kent and Superman.
rstevens I ate a ton of beans and now parts of me are having Feelings.
kelkulus My workout goal is to get strong enough that ALL my pants are tear-aways.
SamuelMoen Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth.
bannedlibrary Our love is like the smell of burnt popcorn in the break room. Forever. #LibrarianValentine
slackmistress If you’re alone tonight do NOT think about how much sex those mops in the Swiffer ads are having.
levie On one hand it’s like, “Neat, rocks are falling from space.” But on the other hand it’s like, “HOLY SHIT, ROCKS ARE FALLING FROM SPACE”
Adar79Angie I learned a long time ago 1. You will never make everyone happy. 2. Squirrels wearing clothes is delightful, but a young woman’s game.
rikpayne If you flip over the jerk-off hand motion it just looks like you’re asking someone to grate some cheese.
mitdasein Just decided on my new career: adult impersonator.
shiraselko The laundromat is a great place to become terrified about the concept of juries.
TheEricGosselin I’m currently eating tortilla chips out of a shopping bag. That’s where I’m at.
MaraWritesStuff A Hufflepuff on the street but a Slytherin in the sheets
quantumpotpie I would empty my entire savings account to fund a show called Geordi & Data’s Holodeck Mishaps.
apelad All your base died of dysentery in another castle.
laurenmcneil I give away a thousand pencils every day, which means there are 2 explanations: kids are eating pencils or hiding them in their butts
apodixis No, Huffington Post, I do NOT want to share that I just watched your “The Year in Sideboob” slideshow on Facebook.
pizznazz #ThingsGirlsLike not being drowned in spiders
Drangula Don’t go to clown college expecting children to fear you the very first day.
biorhythmist “I hope this works” is a romantic thing to whisper during sex.
Handflapper I just stepped in the dogs’ water dish. With both feet. Be sure to tell your friends and relations how awesome I am.
marlespo my gravestone will read “ran out of 1ups”
markleggett At the pearly gates, Saint Peter scrolls through your Twitter archive. “Wow, you sure loved having one-way conversations with celebrities!”
VaguelyFunnyDan Convinced my kids that they’re adopted. They cried a bit, but once I explained their birth parents were LeBron James & a unicorn they lit up.
markleggett I smell sex and John Candy here.
louisvirtel Remember: When you have nothing to tweet about, you’re finally doing it right.
bumlaser Snow day. The kids are playing very well together. At least, in the same sort of way that Roman gladiators played very well together.
cakemittens That’s a nice mustard…for me to poupon.
mypetshadow I wonder if PayPal used eBay to sell PayPal to eBay, and if eBay used PayPal to pay for PayPal.
roborobb Do you ever read your FB friends status updates and wonder what words they were trying to spell?
sbellelauren i’m on this new diet where i look fabulous and you can all kiss my ass
owlpacino I’m definitely too old to be going through another awkward stage, yet here we are.
MikeAmmo Ya know, if pigs actually did fly, I bet their wings would be delicious.
dubouchet This Emergen-C is taking forever to melt in the spoon, and the smoke smells terrible. Not sure I’m doing this right.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a blog series I created a few years ago based on a Twitter meme. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!