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Today’s post features photos from our family trip to China beach in San Francisco. Have a great weekend!
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!
mitdasein It’s okay to masturbate as long as you think about God while you do it.
sbellelauren crushed red pepper why are you crushed did you get cut from the cheerleading squad too
Homestar_ebooks I was born to check emails and eat lots of cake
usedwigs Every fistfight I got into in college started with me saying “It’s not an ascot, fuckface! It’s called a formal day cravat!”
Lakeoconeebldr Every time I see a one way street I think of you <3
usedwigs If you see a celebrity is it okay to tap him on the shoulder and say hi or should you wait until he’s done at the urinal?
luckyshirt Motorcycles are the Rickrollers of looking for a parking spot.
ApocalypseHow Burger King announces “French Fry Burger,” a burger with french fries on top. Announcement made atop the grave of Thomas Edison.
marlespo Hey if you’re having a bad day & need nurturing you can come eat some of the Caesar salad I dropped down my cleavage. Plenty for everyone!
trumpetcake ”Are you a salamander?” is a pretty great conversation squasher.
slackmistress Hope there’s a “Women Kneeling in Dog Vomit” Tumblr because I have my submission ready!
biorhythmist Someday, all this will be yours. *points cat at a stack of empty yogurt cups*
SJKSalisbury I love steel drums, but I wish there was a way to create that sound that didn’t involve pushing a turtle down the stairs.
baconNmeggs FEED ME PIES, FEED ME SWEET LITTLE PIES
GorillasChoice Betty White in the streets, Bea Arthur in the sheets.
davidmurff We’ll we’ll we’ll, if it isn’t autocorrect
manspeaker As my grandma would say, “When you get to be my age you can say or do anything you want.” She usually lived up to that.
owlparliament ok but what if we called maternity leave “a pregnant pause”
knck1es I Put A Smell On You #totallydifferentsong
mitdasein I apparently have developed a habit of holding reading materials at a slight diagonal, which gets surreal now that I have bifocals again.
JRehling John McCain is basically a lovable old grandpa who falls asleep during TV shows and wants the US in three wars at all times.
nayele18 Pretty sure my dog just got to second base with me and I gotta be honest I wouldn’t be opposed to it happening again.
ApocalypseHow ”50 Shades of Grey” fans are hurt by the casting choices. “50 Shades” producers grip their whips tighter, murmur, “Good…”
rachelokokok ”Fun with emojis!!!” Is apparently always only one sided.
annetdonahue Don’t go chasing waterfalls, that sounds like a boring hobby no one wants to hear about.
laura_hudson My mom has started ending her texts with the imperative “ANSWER!” I’m hoping this will not be integrated into our phone conversations
TheBloggess My shrink put me back on ADD drugs & I just now remembered that I forgot to drop the prescription off bc I got distracted by ants.
pontiuslabar Law of Waltonian Physics states that a single goodnight will result in an infinite chain reaction of goodnights.
battmutler Protip for those with professional jobs: Pictures of Disney characters are not appropriate in your email signature.
KevinKataoka I’ll be performing in the comedy tent this Saturday. One day, it will be at a festival.
80sDonDraper Not all of us were raised in a cushy cabbage patch. Some of us had to crawl our way out of a garbage pail.
vrunt rats, foiled again — good way to describe the leftovers i have in my fridge
danacbell If we’re being honest the lamest thing that autocorrect does is capitalize Internet.
ScrewyDecimal To the old man who stood in the middle of CVS and shouted “Oh, you COCKS!” – I hear you, sir. I hear you.
ModernSauce I’m in a book club but is there such a thing as a tv club? I just want to get together every few weeks and talk about what we binge watched.
catagator What’s the bigger workout: wrestling a fitted sheet onto a mattress or snaking a comforter inside a duvet?
slackmistress Everyone tells me to never give up on my dreams so I don’t understand why I was arrested when I showed up naked to school today.
antijokeapple How do you organize a party in space? You planet.
Sparkles_F You aren’t worthless. No one is EVER worthless. Do you realize how much organs go for on the black market, HUH?!
catagator The “20 or less” line is a real math test for some.
arandomhim *walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation* We’re fully booked “Ahem, I’m Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69″ Sorry sir right this way
WhirledRecord Someday, Mr. T is going to meet Dave Grohl and say “I pity the Foo” and I intend to be there when it happens.
motherhoodwtf Motherhood: missing people when they’re away who you wish would go away when they’re not. Pretty sure we’re all insane.
wordlust What a crazy morning! I was diagnosed with a mental illness.
torgospizza ”Cumberbatch is NOT playing an old character named Khan Noonien Sith, he’s playing a NEW character named Darth Khan.” – J.J. Abrams
timothypmurphy One takeaway from going to town halls last month is how many people actually think the speaker’s name is pronounced “boner”
slackmistress Dennis Rodman is in North Korea which means we’re headed straight for a “Kardashians in Syria” holiday special.
jmlanham girl, I know ALL about fake people. we have like twelve mannequins at my work and they are just so fake lol
wordlust Remember, you can’t buy happiness. You’re too damn poor.
UnicornFlavored Swiffer Sweeper alternate name: High-Up Spidey Crusher.
DrMaldoror Night of a Thousand Cats #rejectedyankeecandles
TheBosha What just happened under this here quilt. #rejectedyankeecandles
AskMoxie I’m going to start selling flatware sets for parents: 12 forks, 48 spoons, 4 knives.
weinerdog4life And then god was like, a fucking beaver duck and that’s how the platypus was invented.
jerryrenek I peaked intellectually when I learned how to make a cursive Q.
calluptome Life of Pi is tragic on many levels. Mostly because there is no pie.
morninggloria Jocks shouldn’t tease nerds because football is basically war LARPing.
KevinKataoka Thinking about changing my name to “Kevin?” to lend an air of mystery to it.
LSH85 at any given time, i am apparently only one white russian and two glasses of wine away from scream-singing meatloaf songs
luckyshirt In the heart of every person is a quiet fear of getting a letter from Blockbuster saying they owe $5,000 in late fees for Cool Runnings.
ApocalypseHow I bet the fires of Mt. Doom get a LOT of wedding rings hurled in.
Bagyants In the world of international affairs America is the girl who “hates drama” but constantly involves herself in it
trumpetcake ELEVATOR ICEBREAKER #66: “You know, us being in here together is just one step closer to sharing a sleeping bag.”
johnmoe ”Evan” is a nickname. Everyone you meet named Evan is actually named Event Coordinator.
markleggett Celebrities finally reveal their biggest beauty secret: “We’re just genetically superior to you, plus we live ultra-pampered lives.”
theleanover If anyone wants to sext I have really good spelling.
Bredwh I hate when you lift the toilet seat but it falls back down and hits your head as you’re trying to get a drink.
danforthfrance Life is full of setbacks. It’s important to accept them and drink until you fall asleep watching Deep Space Nine episodes in the afternoon.
morninggloria Some say altitude sickness can lead to mild hallucinations but what the fuck does a talking mountain goat know?
suburbanitis If you spontaneously belt out, ‘Oh baby youuuu…’ in my house, the 10 & 4yo will pick up and sing the rest of Biz Markie’s ‘Just a Friend’.
DocWife Saying “I have to go to the bathroom” to a 4yo simply means “Let’s continue this conversation in the most awkward room in the house”
alldrolledup When the people in seats A and C are hogging both armrests, slowly lay your arms in their laps.
redherringbear ”I mean well.” — cisterns
theleanover Looking forward to new fall sitcoms like “My Father, The Lesbian,” “The Toilet Family,” “Something’s Wrong In Sector Nine” and “Jizz Squad.”
knottyyarn ”A little bit Lily Tomlin in 9 to 5, a little bit Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.” Me in any Sephora, pointing at my face.
80sMomKara I wonder if Fox News has hall monitors with rulers to measure skirt length, like at a Catholic school. “Too long…you’re going home!”
shinyinfo End all of your emails with, “Only then will you know true pain.” #ProfeshTips
Leemanish I want to fuck you like a mineral
apatheticist Pewb should be spelled this way.
karlhess Never follow a YouTube clip to a second location.
WhirledRecord It’s really annoying to deal with kids or old people or adults or teens.
jeannetto I have to write my greatest weakness on a job application. I wrote “men” is that what they meant????
RobynHTV I asked my 2yo to make a glass of ice water in her play kitchen – she boiled it. Obviously she’s learned all her cooking skills from me.
DONTJIMMYMEJULZ You can fool some of the people all of the time… and they’re the ones you should concentrate on.
theleanover Madonna’s “Express Yourself” is pretty weird when you realize it’s about lactation.
VaguelyFunnyDan BREAKING: Denver man forgets about Dre.
susanorlean FOR REAL: flight attendant discussing how man on earlier flight had a peacock with him as an emotional support therapy animal.
jerryrenek Is there a reason we don’t have a national holiday named after the guy who invented air conditioning?
VegasWalkinDude I saw Fred Durst the other day in LA. Turns out, he really did do it all for the cookie.
Hormonella Ever wonder what you’d look like with brain damage? Watch yourself in the mirror dancing to Sexual Healing.
WhirledRecord Only God or anyone with a Twitter account can judge me.
AvoidComments The Two Classic Online Blunders: Never get into a LAN war in Asia, and never go in to the comments section when your sanity is on the line.
missokistic The most beautiful necklace a mother can wear is not gold or gems, but the intestines of a stranger offering unsolicited parenting advice.
What is Follow Friday? It’s a Twitter meme that I have taken a couple steps further. Learn more about it in my FAQ. See my nomination for a Shorty Award for Follow Friday here. You can read more Follow Friday goodness here. Would you like to be a guest photographer for Follow Friday? Email me!