No Lawrentians Selected as National Merit Semifinalists
Probably written by a desperate freshman, this article will bring shame and awkwardness upon the then-senior class and will quickly cause the School to drop in prestige. Seeing the lack of “rhetorically manipulative” writers and speakers among the senior class, the sole response of the School will be to immediately enroll the entire sophomore class (juniors will have already taken the PSAT) in a new Monday morning, 7:00 AM Personal Developmental-Writing Seminar (PDWS) focused on enforcing the values of quality writing and Harkness excellence. Only by rigorously training the incoming juniors will the School have a chance at retaining its past academic rank.
Sushi Is In The Jigger While Supplies Last:
Your favorite weekly email, now in print. Whether this headline is really from a News article or is just part of an advertisement can not be discerned.
School Closes Door on Parietals:
Unfortunately, our efforts were in vain. Under pressure from other schools and wary of students’ ability to handle the great power of parietals with great responsibility, Lawrenceville decides to abandon the system altogether. Instead, every house comes under Cleve-style lockdown every day of the week and disallows any kind of visitation from either gender one hour before check-in. On the bright side, this means that all rooms are now singles.
School Blocks Social Media Sites:
According to section 8E of the “Policy on Acceptable Use of Electronic Resources” region of the (present!) Student Handbook, “currently, the School does not block or otherwise restrict access to ‘social networking’ sites on the Internet [but] does reserve the right to do so in the future.” The School administration in fact uses this power later on. The article claims that the School found the measure absolutely necessary after a “year of particularly nasty and un-Lawrentian comments on several sites used by Lawrenceville students.” The article goes on to explain the students’ unusually icy reaction to the PDS hockey game that year and a quite stormy run of Splash.
Zombie Apocalypse Reaches Campus:
Recent pessimism in a certain Features article from last month seems to prove that the School would be utterly doomed during a zombie apocalypse. That article was right. Although the typical Monday morning Irwin-goer may sometimes come terrifyingly close to an actual zombie, no one will be truly ready for the fatal chaos the catastrophe promises.
On the positive side, day students will just go home and wait out the disaster in their basements while catching up on shows. Boarders will not be so lucky.