The Distilled Man - Essential Skills for Gentlemen
How do you feel when you approach a woman you’re interested in?
Confident? Smooth?
…Or does shyness get the best of you?
It might seem obvious, but overcoming shyness around women is critical to your dating success.
The good news is, if you occasionally get shy around women, you’re not alone. Many people who seem outwardly confident have struggled with shyness in the past—myself included.
Recently, I reached out to some of the most respected men’s lifestyle and relationship experts. And I asked them a simple question: “What are your best tips for overcoming shyness around women?”
If you struggle with shyness, the advice they share may just change your life:
1. Andrew Snavely | Primer
I’ve personally struggled with social anxiety (especially around beautiful women) most of my life. I’ve completely overcome it by focusing on two things. First, you need to stop putting so much pressure on each time you talk to a woman. If you go into every encounter with a beautiful woman hoping you’re going to be James Bond so much that she falls instantly in love with you, you’re going to be disappointed every – single – time.
Instead, decide to talk to this woman and go in with no expectations, meaning if you politely end the conversation, or she does, there’s nothing lost. It wasn’t a failure. The success was simply having the courage to say hello and strike up a conversation.
The only way you can get to this point is by talking to more women, and the easiest way to do this is to practice on women that you encounter in your life that you have no interest in. At the grocery store? Practice holding better eye contact with the girl at check out. Practice being friendly and asking her how her day is or cracking a joke. Pass a 50 year old woman on the sidewalk? Try to hold eye contact long enough to offer a genuine smile and say hello. After doing these things regularly where there is no pressure, you’ll be more than ready for the beautiful woman at a party. Take my word for it: talking to attractive women was never something I could do, and after practicing the two things above, it comes naturally to me all the time.
Andrew is the editor and founder of Primer, a men’s magazine with the sole purpose of helping guys in their 20s become the man they want to be, with emphasis on affordable style, self-development, and how-to’s.
2. Barron Cuadro | Effortless Gent
While I’m no expert when it comes to this subject, what’s worked for me is realizing that women can be just as nervous and shy around you, as you are around them. They’re people too, after all. Approaching a woman in a non-threatening way, striking up interesting conversation, asking good questions more than talking about yourself, and finding commonalities are usually the best, most straightforward, non-douchey ways to break the ice, in my experience.
Barron Cuadro is Founding Editor of Effortless Gent, a men’s site that takes an honest approach to personal style. He wrote a free eGuide about the Lean Wardrobe philosophy, which you can find here.
3. Nathan Adlam | Social Sage
It’s important to realize that women are people too. They struggle folding fitted sheets, burn the roof of their mouth on hot pizza sauce, and sometimes they forget to put on deodorant.
They also get nervous around those they have a crush on, and they love when attractive members of the opposite sex come talk to them.
Not every interaction you have with a woman has to lead to a great conversation or getting a phone number, so don’t put pressure on yourself to try and be witty and clever to every single one you talk to. You may be surprised to see how far a simple “hey… how are you?” can take you.
Nathan Adlam is the Founding Editor of Social Sage: An Introvert’s Guide To Charm. Grab his free 10-page eBook: 3 Tips to Avoid Awkward Conversations, here.
4. Kyle Boureston | Mantelligence
The easiest way to overcome your shyness around women is to become ridiculously outgoing.
Think about it:
If you know that you’re able to start and hold a conversation with absolutely anyone, why would you be shy around women?
The answer:
You won’t be. You’ll be confident around any girl, in any situation.
Think about your outgoingness like it’s a muscle. Just like you’d exercise to build your muscles, you’re going to do “exercises” to build your outgoingness.
Outgoingness exercises will involve you in some way communicating with strangers. Start by setting yourself a few achievable weekly exercise goals. For example:
Start and hold a conversation with 5 strangers.
Start and hold a conversation with 3 beautiful women.
As the goals become easier for you to achieve, make them more difficult (for example, “ask for 1 number a week”).
The great part of this approach:
After a few months, your outgoingness will become a habit. So, even if you get nervous because you’re physically or emotionally attracted to a woman, you’ll fall back on the habits you’ve built (you’ll essentially be on auto-pilot).
The best part of this approach:
Not only will this approach help you overcome your shyness around women, it will also greatly reduce your fear of approaching them!
Kyle Boureston is the founder of Mantelligence, a website and app dedicated to helping men become better, more intelligent men.
5. Antonio Centeno | Real Men Real Style
Practice speaking with them, everywhere. All ages, all types, any situation. Commit to become a genuinely friendly person and meeting women through conversation is a natural result.
Antonio Centeno is President of ATailoredSuit.com and the founder of RealMenRealStyle.com. Download his free eBook, 7 Deadly Style Sins, here.
6. Laura Yates
Being shy around women is definitely something guys can overcome. My main tip would be to make an effort every single day to strike up conversations with women. All women—not just ones you are attracted to. The more women you can connect with or just have conversations with on a regular basis, the more you will fine-tune those social skills around them and the less shy you will begin to feel. It takes consistent effort and comfort-zone pushing, but will be worth it, particularly when it comes to interacting with women you are attracted to.
My second tip is to look at how and where you meet women. If you want to meet likeminded women with common interests, venture out to do group style activities where there will be women in an environment that lends itself to easier introductions and conversations. Fitness or sports groups, classes, meet-ups, socials, the arts. Anything that will be interesting or enjoyable to you so that you’ll be feeling at your best and cultivating your inner confidence and knowledge/skills at the same time too.
A further small tip is to make sure you have female friends in your social circle. You’ll get more familiar with the female mind and learn to be a lot more “natural” around women.
Oh, and also remember that most women will always appreciate a man approaching her! Even if you are shy and maybe unsure, it immediately puts you above all the other men that never dare. That in itself shows courage and is very attractive!
Laura Yates is a dating coach, writer and speaker from London who specializes in helping guys see the better side of break-ups and heartbreak.
7. Justin Stenstrom | Elite Man Magazine
There are 2 incredibly effective things that men can do to overcome shyness with women.
The first is to expose themselves to situations where women abound. You’ll never conquer any issue in life without going after it.
The same applies here: You’ll never get over your shyness with women unless you surround yourself with them. Push your comfort zone and start putting yourself in situations that force you to interact with women. Go to nightclubs, take a dance class, take a yoga class, approach a woman at Starbucks, etc. Force yourself to meet women, and you will master your confidence with them.
The second thing men can do is pretend to be great around women. That’s right, pretend!
Although this may sound a little counter-intuitive, it works. A shy man who knows nothing but self-doubt and insecurity around women has no basis for what it looks and feels like to be successful with them. If stuck in the shyness rut with no concept of confidence, it’s best to feign confidence and adopt your self-assuredness with women. Pretend to be a famous ladies’ man on T.V. or act like your friend who always seems to get women. Do this, and you’ll finally get a feel for what it feels like to attract and seduce women. After this, that faux confidence will be true confidence, and your shyness will be gone forever.
Justin Stenstrom is a nationally acclaimed lifestyle coach, author, entrepreneur, and speaker. He is the founder of EliteManMagazine.com and the author of the book Giving Shy Guys Game.
8. Claudia Cox | Text Weapon
Tip 1: Make good communication skills a habit.
Make it a habit when talking to ANYONE (not just women) to practice open body language, good posture, eye contact, smiling (a real, warm smile) and active listening. Make a note card with these reminders, put it next to your bedside, and read it every morning before you get up.
Tip 2: Action cures fear.
Don’t miss amazing opportunities with women because you’re over-thinking it. Most flirting will not lead to anything, except sharpening your flirting skills. Even the “pros” don’t always get the girl. So, if a woman shoots you down, leave your self-image out of it, and focus on the women that want to be with you.
Claudia is the creator of Text Weapon, and the author of French Seduction Made Easy. She loves helping people improve their relationships through creative texting. Visit Text Weapon to signup for the free Texting Club trial with over 300 messages. Follow her on Twitter.
9. Nick Notas
Start with small steps that still challenge your comfort zone. You don’t need to be an approaching master from the start. Begin with eye contact drills. Then ask for directions. Try complimenting a girl in passing. Then work your way to real introductions. Each piece will build experience and make you more confident for the next. Just be patient—self improvement is a journey, not a race.
Stop being so hard on yourself. It’s impossible to stay motivated when you beat yourself up for every missed opportunity. And, you’re taking all the fun out of it. Instead, just say “next time” and let it go. When you remove the pressure to perform, you strip away the power of anxiety. Who cares if you’re too scared to approach the first seven times if you take action the eighth?
Nick is a dating and confidence consultant who helps men build genuine self-esteem, improve their social skills, and meet more women. Respect and honesty come first. You can read his blog here.
10. Megan Collins | Style Girlfriend
Direct eye contact and a genuine smile do wonders when talking to a woman.
You don’t need any special lines or tricks to “land” a great girl, but you do have to be willing to break the ice. I totally understand the allure of dating sites and apps that make social interaction a little less intimidating, but there’s something to be said for stepping out from behind a mutual opt-in and simply approaching a woman you find interesting or attractive. Sure, she might turn you down, but she might not! And at the very least, she’ll respect that you didn’t wait for her to swipe right before starting a conversation.
Megan is the voice behind Style Girlfriend, a men’s lifestyle destination for real guys seeking real advice from a friendly, female perspective.
11. Brock McGoff | The Modest Man
Make sure you’ve done everything in your power to look and feel your best. This won’t make you less shy, necessarily, but it will definitely eliminate some unnecessary anxiety by silencing that annoying voice in your head (“What if my hair looks messy?” “What if she doesn’t like my shoes?” “What if my outfit sucks?” “What if my breath smells?”).
If you know that your haircut is dapper, your shoe game is strong, your outfit is sharp and your breath is fresh, there’s not a whole lot to worry about—besides what you’re going to say to her, of course! But that’s much better than worrying about how you look!
Brock helps short(er) men dress well with his blog, The Modest Man, and his free guide: How to Dress Taller.
12. Sarah Jones | Introverted Alpha
You’re never going to be sure that a woman likes you before you approach her, but you can get pretty damn close. How do you get close? By knowing the basic steps of attraction and the basics of reading her well.
As for reading a woman well, notice these signs: Is her torso turning towards you or away from you? Is her breathing relaxed or stilted around you? Is her smile genuine or forced towards you? The former in all these things indicate interest—if not sexual interest, at least an openness to talk with you a little further.
Then once you have the basic step-by-steps of knowing what your natural strengths are, approaching a woman in a laid-back way that capitalizes on those strengths, and then touching her in a way that feels great for both of you, you’re set!
Sarah Jones founded Introverted Alpha to help smart introverted men attract women naturally. Her work has been featured on Cosmo, Business Insider, San Francisco Chronicle, and more. She is known for helping men use their natural strengths to attract women, without having to use tricks or be someone they’re not.
13.Tanner Guzy | Masculine Style
Most men make the mistake of approaching women from a position of weakness. They hope they are deemed worthy of a woman’s time, attention, and affection—hence the shyness.
A better approach is one that comes from a position of strength, and it starts long before a man ever introduces himself to a woman. A man should spend his energy investing in himself—which is what The Distilled Man is all about. Once he knows he’s a man of value, the goal is finding a woman he wants along for the ride, someone who will supplement an already full and satisfying life.
It is significantly easier for a man and more satisfying for a woman, when his tone of approach is one where he asks her to join him in his adventures rather than give meaning and purpose to his existence. No woman wants to be with a man whose sole purpose is her happiness. Many women may say that, but they aren’t attracted to the men who practice it. Instead, they want to be with a man who has a mission and having her as part of it is a key but not the sole component.
Tanner Guzy is the creator of Masculine Style. He is married with two small children and plans for more.
14. Ryan Masters | Sparta Strength
If I told you right now that you were creepy or weird guy, would you get upset?
No, of course not.
Why? Because you know it’s not true.
You also do not know me and thus are not going to value my thoughts or opinions over YOUR OWN.
So why on earth would some guy give away his value to some woman he’s never met?
It’s the same thing.
The only reason you are shy around women is because you care more about what they think of you than what you think of yourself.
This doesn’t mean you have to go berserk and say I never care what any woman thinks ever!!
No.
You simply need to invest MORE in your own thoughts of yourself and nurture those.
Are you a quality dude?
Do you have a good heart and strive to do your best?
Would knowing you (in any capacity—friend, romantic, etc) make this woman’s life better?
If you can answer yes to these questions they’re all you need to invest in.
If not, start investing in yourself so you can say yes.
And remember the reason you feel fear is because deep down something is saying you can’t handle it.
I think we both know you can.
Go say hi.
Ryan Masters is a strength & vitality coach who runs the YouTube Channel Sparta Strength. His training focuses on making men strong, aesthetic and fearless.
Conclusion
As you can see, there are a lot of common themes among these tips. Overcoming shyness around women really isn’t that complicated…and talking to women doesn’t need to be traumatic.
Remember:
They’re just people too…they get nervous just like you do
Making a habit of being friendly and outgoing—talking to women whenever you can—can make you way more comfortable and natural in the moment
Sure, there are things that can improve your chances of “success” (dressing better, cultivating your interests, and investing in generally improving yourself)
But at the end of the day, the best strategy is to keep a positive attitude, be friendly, and say hi. And if it doesn’t work out, no big deal—just keep at it.
Are there other tips you’ve found helpful for overcoming shyness around women? Let me know in the comments below!
To view this post on The Distilled Man website, visit How to Overcome Shyness Around Women: 14 Experts Share Their Tips
For a Free copy of our 42-page eBook, visit http://www.thedistilledman.com/48-hour-gentleman-ebook/