Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,
What is the 'proper' way to make a bed?
-Momma Chubbs
A:
Dear Chubbsy Momma,
It is a tranquil spring afternoon, and Frère Rubik is sitting at his desk in his room, happily surfing the interwebz. His phone begins to ring, and he sees that he is getting a call from Mère Rubik. He picks up the phone.
"Hey Mom! How is it—"
"[FRÈRE]! WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?" Mère Rubik interrupts.
Startled, Frère looks back to his computer screen, which is currently displaying leekspin.com. Embarrassed, he switches tabs.
"Oh, you know, just working on some Board answers—"
"Well, why are you wasting time on the internet when your bed is an absolute mess?! Just look at it!"
Frère turns to look at his bed. He has to admit that it is, in fact, an absolute mess:
"Well, you have a good point, Mom, but how did you know--"
"RUBIKVISION!" Mère Rubik responds.
"Ah, right," says Frère Rubik, knowingly. Mère Rubik is referring to the preternatural ability of Rubik family members to "see beyond," allowing them to remotely view events and locales without actually being present. But then,
"Wait. If you were using Rubikvision to look at my bed, why couldn't you see what I was doing—"
"[Frère]!" Mère Rubik snaps, "Stop pointing out the holes in your hastily constructed introductory narrative and make with the bed-making!"
So, without further ado, Frère Rubik proudly presents:
FOLK BED-MAKING WITH FRÈRE RUBIK!!!
No. How about
Frère's Fifteen Steps for Making the Perfect Bed:
Also no. TEN would kill me/vaporize me.
How about we just make the bed? Okay? Okay.
Step 1: Stripping the bed.
This is the fun part: ripping all of the things off of your bed in preparation for washing. Squirrel has a rather fancy-pantsy way of doing it below, but I tend to just let my inner Rubik run wild until the bed is stripped and the blankets are sorted into piles for washing (sheets, pillowcases) and not washing (comforters, other blankets, mattress pads)
(The washing pile is already in my laundry bag.)
Two things to note before we move on: 1) The mattress pad does not need to be washed with the sheets, so you can leave it on the mattress and 2) Depending on what material your sheets are made of/what laundry products you use, removing the sheets may result in enough static charge to spontaneously generate a Pikachu. If you have a Pokéball, go ahead and try to catch the little guy/girl, but if not, just let it be.
Step 2: Washing the sheets.
Take your washable pile to the Wash Hut, and use their washers and dryers to clean your laundry (experts have not yet reached a consensus as to whether or not this step can be performed in places other than the Wash Hut, such as other laundromats or laundry rooms within homes/apartments).
While you're there, entertain yourself by trying to beat Frère Rubik's high score on the Simpsons Pinball game.
(That's totally my high score, guys. The whole jar thing is an old inside joke. I tried to get another high score and do something like FRÈ, but for one thing they don't have grave accents on pinball machines and for another I COULD NOT GET ANOTHER HIGH SCORE. I SPENT SO MANY QUARTERS, GUYS. SO MANY. ALL WHILE BART SIMPSON INSULTED ME. IT WAS MILDLY TRAUMATIC.)
Step 3: Put on the fitted sheet.
Return to your bedroom. If you didn't catch the Pikachu earlier, it's presence may have caused other, smaller Pikachus (Minichus) to spawn in the area. While they are cute, you cannot successfully make your bed while they are there, so they will have to be removed. Hiding them amongst your roommate's possessions is usually quite effective.
With the Pikachu problem taken care of, lift your mattress off of your bed frame and stretch the fitted sheet over the mattress. Any tags or seams on the sheet should be on the inside of the sheet, on the side that actually touches the mattress. Make sure to pull the corners of the sheet tightly over the corners of the mattress, and tuck any extra fabric under the mattress as tightly as you can.
(The struggles of having an immobile bed that's also high off the ground. Also it's a lot darker because Addison decided to take a nap while I was out doing laundry.)
Step 4: Put on the top sheet.
With the fitted sheet snugly secured to the mattress, it's time to add the top sheet. Lay it flat on top of the bed, making sure it is straight and smoothing out any wrinkles (be sure to remove any lingering Minichus beforehand). Now, if you're going to be really proper, you'll center the top sheet so that equal amounts are hanging off of either side of the bed. If you're me, though (in which case, what the heck, when was I cloned? We should probably meet up to discuss this), you put more of the sheet on the side facing the bed so that it's easier to tuck in and make your bed in the mornings.
Now, slide the bed back into the frame and then lift up the side not facing the bed. Pull the edge of the sheet further under the bed so that you get a really good tuck; this will make it easier for your bed to stay nice in the future (again, this is obviously easier if you're working on a real bed with a box spring instead of a ramshackle Provo apartment bed frame).
Once the top sheet is good and tucked in, put the bed back in the frame and tuck in the other side. Once both sides are tucked in, fold the remaining sheet at the end of the bed under and tuck it in as well (or, if you want to be really fancy, follow the steps in this video to get the famous "hospital corners" known the world around in bed-making).
Step 5: Add other blankets.
Using the same process in Step 4, add and tuck in any other blankets that you want on the bed, going from thin to thick. For me, this is just my big white comforter, which is very warm.
Step 6: ACCESSORIZE!
By which I mean put the pillowcase back on your pillow, fold up any auxiliary blankets you didn't want as a permanent part of your bed, and make things look good.
If you haven't been able to get rid of the Pikachu or the Minichus, you might as well just accept them into your life and make things comfy for them.
That's it! Enjoy your clean, crisp, freshly made bed! To keep it feeling good, be sure to tuck the sheets and blankets in every morning after you get up; it'll go a long way toward keeping your bed nice.
-Frère Rubik
A:
Dear you,
The proper way to make a bed is to make it in the same way as the term "make a bed" came from. (clip ends at 5:50) The altogether more important point is to unmake a bed, actually. (clip ends at 7:20.)
-Squirrel
A:
Dear Mom,
On my mission I had a single bottom sheet and a single top sheet. In the morning, I would get up, fold my top sheet into a nice square and place it where a pillow would have gone if I had a pillow. No fuss. No mess. No trying to fit a comforter into a sleeve or however that goes. It's the perfect way to make a bed.
As long as you live in a tropical rain forest.
-Spectre
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