Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,
I have been told endowed priesthood holders with worthiness problems have to talk to their stake president and that sexual sins committed by endowed priesthood holders will result in excommunication. Is that true?
When I was a boy I had a masturbation problem. Premission I got it sorted out and was clean for years and got married and then suddenly one day I caught myself doing it almost automatically. Since that time all the bonds of addiction have returned and I can't stop doing it. That sounds dumb but if you had ever been in a similar situation (and I bet you probably haven't but hey I'm not you) you would totally understand the almost automatic action that occurs and the delayed "Oh my gosh what am I doing?" but by then it is too late kind of feeling. This is my only "major sin" and I know it is wrong and I know I'm probably unworthy to take the Sacrament or pray but I do it anyway. I would meet with my bishop but I am terrified he'll send me to the stake president and I'll get excommunicated because I'm an endowed married priesthood holder. I'm trying so hard to stop and I want to be good with the Lord and clean but the thought of excommunication scares me.
What should I do, random the Board Internet peeps?
-Mr. NOT Clean
A:
Dear You are a Worthwhile Person,
You're not going to be excommunicated. This is something I struggle with (and I'm an endowed priesthood holder), but when I mentioned it to my wonderful, supportive bishop he was just that—wonderful and supportive about it, and offered me some personal counsel on the matter. Also, I don't like the word "addiction." Maybe you feel like you don't have a lot of control regarding this thing you do sometimes, but do you go onto campus and steal bikes to finance your addiction? Do you pursue it to the utter neglect of your wife, family, job and all responsibilities? No? Well, you're not using methamphetamine, that much is certain, and perhaps "addiction" is the wrong word to describe what you do.
If you are a BYU student, consider visiting the Counseling and Psychological Services which are free to students taking more than 9.0 credit hours. I've had positive experiences with a Sexual Concerns group I attend where we talk about, well, sexual concerns. It's actually one of my favorite things from this semester because everyone's so darn nice in there.
If you aren't a BYU student, but are in Provo, check out the Pornography Process Group at the Comprehensive Clinic. No, it's not for masturbation per se, but perhaps you can contact them and see if it could be something that could benefit you.
You've noticed I haven't recommended the 12-Step program. This is because I don't have any experience with it. I would just note that not everyone I know in my group has really enjoyed their time with the group, so it's okay if you don't like it. It's also okay if you do.
And hey, this thing you struggle with? It may be something you despise, but you're so much more than that. Don't let it define you. You are a worthwhile, loving priesthood holder worthy of being loved right now, today, as you are.
-a writer
A:
Dear you,
You are NEVER not worthy to pray.
Love,
Luciana
A:
Dear Friend,
That's exactly how Satan wants you to feel, but not actually accurate. If you're striving to improve, that's what the Lord cares about. This is my personal opinion here, but I think in the end we'll be judged much more heavily based on which direction we're facing and which way we're moving than things in our past. Somebody who struggles with pornography or masturbation but is actively using the Atonement and striving to change is doing great. Somebody who has no noticeable "sins" but isn't using the Atonement or doing anything to draw closer to God has some things to work on. I really liked what my bishop mentioned this year when it was time to renew ecclesiastical endorsements. He basically said that anybody struggling with major sins can absolutely say yes with a clear conscience when asked if they're living the honor code as long as they're doing everything in their power to repent and change.
Also, this is unbacked by stats because this isn't the sort of thing people shout from the rooftops, but I'm pretty dang sure that if every married guy who masturbated or looked at pornography were excommunicated, the Church's membership would decrease dramatically. This is much more common than we believe. We tell ourselves that we're the only one who could be do something like that, but you are not alone. So many people have faced this exact same problem. You wouldn't tell a friend struggling with this that there was no hope for them, so don't tell that same lie to yourself. There is always hope. Your bishop knows that, he knows that you're not the only one who struggles with masturbation, and he is there to help you. Please talk to him, the worst he can do is help you.
You've got this, friend. I believe in you.
-Alta
A:
Dear friend,
I agree that you wouldn't get excommunicated for this. Like Alta said, this is a bigger problem than most people think it is.
But I wanted to mention something about excommunication in general. I have a couple people close to me who have been excommunicated. As I see it, the point of excommunication isn't to shun a person. It's to allow a person to make the necessary changes in order to once again partake of all the ordinances and covenants of the church. If it is going to help you get back on the path of worthiness and be a better follower of Christ, it can only lead to good things. Right now, avoiding the problem is going to be ten times worse than how scary (and it is scary) it'll be to tell your ecclesiastical leaders. Be brave.
-A writer
A:
Dear sir,
I have a good friend who is recovering from pornography and masturbation problems. I thought it best for him just to tell you about how he's dealt with these issues. I hope it's useful to hear another person's experiences, struggles, and successes.
Also, he mentions pornography addiction, which you didn't mention in your question, but I'm going to include it all. ARP covers ALL sexual addictions, not just pornography. The essays he mentioned at the end are geared towards pornography addictions, too, but I've read most of them and feel like they will also be useful in your situation. And concerning ARP: It's true that some people don't like the program, especially in places where it is relatively new, but most of what I've heard has been overwhelmingly positive.
Anyways, here's what my friend said:
I am speaking as a recovering addict to pornography and masturbation. I am a BYU student, an RM, and
a facilitator and a sponsor in the church’s 12 step Addiction Recovery Program. As a facilitator, I lead
groups in recovery meetings held on BYU campus which are run by LDS Family Services. As a sponsor, I
work one-on-one with other addicts to guide them through the 12 step recovery program. I have a year
and a half of sobriety right now. You can find multiple local meetings on most weeknights
using the meeting locator. You can also watch videos of real recovery meetings on this website to see
what the meetings are like. The Mormon Channel also has a series of videos on the 12 steps.
To answer your question, you will most likely NOT be excommunicated for struggling with masturbation.
LDS Family Services estimates, based on feedback from BYU bishops, that two-thirds of all BYU bishops’
interviews are about sexual addiction and that at least 8,000 men at BYU are addicted and would
benefit from attending ARP meetings. Research has shown that about 70% of men ages 18-35 view
pornography at least monthly and church leaders have said there is no reason to believe that LDS men
are any different. In short, you are not alone by a long shot. In my personal experience talking with
family, friends, roommates, coworkers and even strangers these statistics have held true. But the
prevalence doesn’t make this any less serious. Estimates about women and sexual addictions
range between 10-20%, but it is a difficult statistic to track because the addiction usually manifests with
literature which is harder to classify.
I have struggled with addiction since I was about 8. I worked with bishops, stake presidents, therapists,
and my mission president. I made little progress until I began working the steps in the Church’s Addiction
Recovery Program which is adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. As I worked with a sponsor (someone
who has worked through all 12 steps successfully) I finally found lasting recovery. It takes daily effort,
but I have relief, healing, hope, and happiness.
This program is not just about recovery from addiction. It will help ANYONE who wants to learn to
access the atonement more fully. I promise it will bless everyone’s life. You don’t have to be an “addict”
to attend meetings. The meetings are the most real and uplifting testimony meetings you will ever
experience as people testify of the atonement working in their lives.
An important thing to understand about addiction is that it is a symptom. Addictions are coping
mechanisms used to self-medicate or numb negative feelings we experience in life which are the real
issue. As long as the root issues are not dealt with true recovery will allude you. I used to think that as
soon I got rid of my addiction I would be happy, but I have learned that as soon as I learn how to be
happy my addiction will go away. The 12 steps will teach you how to use the atonement to accomplish
this.
I recommend:
-Talk to your bishop (be completely open and honest about the extent and nature of your addiction)
-Talk to your wife if you haven’t already done so AFTER talking with your bishop. This will be very
difficult for her and should be approached prayerfully.
-Begin attending ARP meetings and working through the ARP manual (There are several pornography
specific groups that meet on BYU campus and you can download a PDF of the manual online for free)
-Read “He Restoreth My Soul” by Donald Hilton (He is an LDS neurosurgeon and writes about the
spiritual and physical effects of porn addiction. Get a hard copy because you’ll want to share it with
others)
-Read the essays titled “Sitting in a Rowboat Throwing Marbles at a Battleship” by Andrew Pipanne
(Google it. They’re free. It completely changed my perception of pornography addiction)
-Work with a counselor/therapist who is LDS and has successfully treated sexual addiction
-After attending ARP PASG meetings (Pornography Addiction Support Group) consider getting a sponsor
through ARP Support. It is an unofficial auxiliary organization that helps people get sponsors. You’ll
be paired up with someone experienced in recovery and work through the 12 steps of recovery
rigorously in 92 days. This was invaluable to me and I am now a sponsor through this program.
So, there you go. In closing: No, you are not a bad person. Yes, you are mortal. We all are! We are all weak and need help from others and God. For the record, I really believe there's hope and healing in store for you. There are so many programs to help you and people who understand what you're going through. I hope you will take advantage of them!
-Another writer
A:
Dear reader,
If you're wanting to get in touch with any of the responses above but cannot for lack of an alias, send us an email at editor(at)theboard(dot)byu(dot)edu and we can probably work something out.
-An editor
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