Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,
I don't think very highly of myself. My whole life I've struggled with self-esteem. I'm overweight and have acne and teeny tiny teeth and yada yada. From an overall physical aspect, I'm not attractive. How is someone like me, who doesn't have any confidence, know how to act in this particular situation?
Sometimes I wear makeup, but only rarely. That is, I only wear it on days where I know I will see this certain boy. I've noticed that this certain boy takes to looking at me when he doesn't think I notice. If I catch him in the act, he IMMEDIATELY looks away. Like seriously I don't think we've ever made eye contact for more than half a second. My instinct tells me that he thinks I'm cute (when I wear makeup) so he looks at me (because guys like to look at things they find attractive, right?) but that he is extremely extremely shy.
I'm super shy too because I don't have any confidence. Even when I do wear makeup I know from a rational point that I look better than I normally do, but still, I don't measure up next to all of these attractive girls that seems to be all over Utah. So then my mind starts playing games with me, like oh he's only looking at you because you look stupid trying to blend in with other girls. Or he thinks you're stupid because you're trying to measure up to these girls who you can never be. Or, look, that fatty thinks she could be cute? Things like that. (Yes, I know I have depression).
So, again, how does someone like me, with super low self-esteem, who's very shy, approach someone else who seems to be shy too? I'm guessing he doesn't have a lot of confidence either, by the way he acts. I don't want to approach him if he only looks at me the way he looks at everyone else-a glance. But that doesn't seem to be the case, in my opinion at least. But I also don't want to approach him if he doesn't actually think I'm cute. Because I can't handle being rejected...the whole self-esteem thing, ya know? So do you think I should put myself out there and TRY talking to him? If I do, how do I cope with my mind wondering what he thinks of me the whole time we're talking? (Please don't tell me to see a therapist. I know I should. I would just like feedback, examples, stories, from anyone who can relate). Thanks.
...so yeah
A:
Dear Yeah,
I could be off base here, but it sounds like what you are really struggling with is the fear of failure. If there's one thing I know about the fear of failure, it's that it seems to crop up most in moments of self-doubt or low self-confidence.
When we already feel bad about ourselves, we worry that failure will send us over the edge. What's more, low self-confidence is often rooted in past experiences of failure, which only further our worries that we cannot succeed.
What I want to tell you is that you must remember to never connect your self-worth to any failure, rejection, or heartache that you experience in life.
Throughout our lives, each of us will encounter many moments when the answer to one of our desires is "no." Whether it be getting rejected by a romantic interest, getting turned down for a job, or failing to receive a scholarship, we are going to hear "no" a lot. Satan wants us to take that "no" and project it onto ourselves. He wants us to believe that the "no" came because we aren't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or strong enough.
If we live our lives under the influence of this lie, we live in a state of fear that will inhibit us from pushing ourselves, from seizing opportunities, and from becoming our best selves.
You must internalize the idea that being rejected does not mean you are worthless. In fact, it does not diminish your worth in any way. Rather than getting down on ourselves when we try and don't succeed, we ought to remember that God would have us see a "no" as an "it isn't right" or a "not right now" or an "I have something else in store."
I guess what I'm getting around to saying is that I absolutely think that you should try to talk to this boy! When you are choosing between two paths of action (assuming that neither path is illegal or breaks the commandments), choose the more fearless path! Sure you won't be able to be fearless every time, but even being fearless once every now and again is a victory!
And if you do get rejected, know that it is okay. It very well may hurt your self-esteem for a moment. That is true. But you can choose to remember to be proud of yourself for trying and then move on.
I've been acquainted with rejection in almost every aspect of life— in job searching, in dating, in school, in musical auditions, in athletic tryouts, you name it! I think we all have.
You can't live a full life by avoiding rejection, but you can choose to overcome rejection and not allow it to define you.
As far overcoming the shyness factor goes, my best advice would be to not overthink it too much. Don't go up to him saying to yourself, "okay, if I mess this up he's going to think I'm stupid and never, ever want to date me or even talk to me!"
Just be yourself! Ask him a few low-key questions about his life. Share some details about yourself with him. Try to find out if you have any similar interests.
Even if you do walk away thinking you sounded like an idiot, it's okay! You'll never get better if you don't practice! I walk away from most conversations thinking I probably sounded ridiculous or awkward, but as I keep talking to people and keep trying to get to know them, they eventually come to realize that I'm a pretty nice person who is only slightly ridiculous.
Finally, if your physical appearance is causing you pain and low self-esteem, make a conscious effort to define yourself by something other than your looks. You don't have to be a supermodel to be confident. You can be confident in your intelligence, your kindness, your diligence, and any number of other far more important attributes than physical beauty.
The other day I heard someone say something like "the only thing that not being super beautiful has caused me to miss out on in life is the chance to be a model. And who wants that, anyway? I haven't lost out on career opportunities, hobbies, or even love. Beauty is just not as important as we make it out to be."
Ain't that the truth?
Believe that some guy out there is going to love you for who you are. And be confident enough to show people who you are.
Much love,
Vienna
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