Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,
I am going to preface this by saying I'm no longer seeing a therapist, as I have no insurance, and am no longer a BYU student.
Like a couple of questions recently, I, too, am a 28 year old female who never goes on dates. In fact, I have NEVER been asked on a date in person, or by someone I know--which is saaaaaad. The only dates I've ever been on are:
A)blind dates set up by a friend
B)"dates" with guys who I've met for the first time from online
C)me asking guys on dates
For a while, now, I feel like I'm so unworthy of a man, or love, because no guy is ever interested in me. This crushes me because the thing I most want to be is a mother and wife. The most dates I've ever been on with one guy was 3 dates, and I asked him the first time. What is so wrong with me? I am suffering deeply from this. I know my self-esteem shouldn't be based on external forces, or based on how other people act, but I can't help but noticing I'm the common denominator.
Sure, I may be chubby, and a bit shy, but I'm still cute and nice and a likeable person. There has to be at least one guy in this world who finds me attractive (right????), but sadly, nothing is happening. And I have been feeling quite depressed as of late. I used to do the online dating thing, but haven't for a couple of years because it never lead anywhere and I hated getting my hopes up for something to work out, when things never went anywhere.
Seriously, I'm at a loss for what to do--regarding my self-esteem and dating. Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me because I did X and Y and Z in the past. But then I think that's stupid, and it's just the depression talking. But then I think I'm the ugliest person in the world, or the stupidest, or the fattest, and that is why everyone seems to be able to get a date except for me. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but how can I not? Utah is full of model-looking females and I flat out don't fit the mold. Even the guys who don't fit the mold aren't interested in me.
One time while attending BYU, my bishop asked me if I was dating. I said nope. He was like, "Well, I've noticed only the extremely beautiful or the extremely ugly are the ones to marry while attending BYU." Wow, thanks for that confidence booster. I already knew I was a Plain Jane. Then he furthered his observation by adding, "It's going to take someone REALLY special to marry you." What the heck? I think he was referring to the fact that I'm shy, but why is he even bringing that up? It only hurt me more. Like, I'm SO outrageously quiet that it's going to take someone who likes weird people to want to be with me? This was a few years ago but his words still hurt. If you've ever suffered from depression you know that you tend to build up all the negatives that people have ever said to you and ignore (or forget) all the positives.
I believe that I've broken out of my shell a bit since my bishop told me those things. But I'm still under the belief that, dang, someone who is not "normal" will be who I end up with. That makes me sad because I think I'm a normal person with a normal personality. The couple of times that my cousin tried to set me up were with guys who flat out were ugly. I'm not saying this to be mean. I know if I had met them beforehand I would see them in a different light because personality is more important than looks, but based solely on appearances, her trying to set me up with these guys just dropped my self-esteem that much lower because she must think I'm extremely ugly.
SO, how can I learn to like myself for who I am? I know when I was having major depression a while back my mom was telling me that Jesus died for me and that shows just how much He loves me, but honestly, that didn't make me feel any better. I have been having some major faith issues, probably as a result of my non-dating life. I know it's not the Lord's fault I'm not dating, but sometimes I think if He cared for me a bit more he would give some guy a little push to be interested in me. I know, it's crazy talk. And I'm rambling.
What can I do? I just feel like I'm in a deep hole.
-My Name Here
A:
Dear MNH:
I'm going to save you your $120 and answer your novella paragraph by paragraph. My brother texted me, "You need a hobby ... that doesn't involve boys." I maintain that yoga and reading The New Yorker count, but we can add underqualified Love Psychologist to the list.
I am going to preface this by saying I'm no longer seeing a therapist, as I have no insurance, and am no longer a BYU student.
This is what the Affordable Care Act was for. You missed the deadline. Not that it has made my therapist more affordable, but anyway.
Like a couple of questions recently, I, too, am a 28 year old female who never goes on dates. In fact, I have NEVER been asked on a date in person, or by someone I know--which is saaaaaad. The only dates I've ever been on are:
Everyone has their challenges. Some people's parents die of cancer. Some are infertile. Some don't know where their next meal is coming from. This is not an ideal situation for you, but it's certainly neither unusual nor the worst thing that will happen to you in life. It's been a decade now that there have been all kinds of talks about the decline of dating culture on this and other campuses; welcome to the fallout from that.
A)blind dates set up by a friend
B)"dates" with guys who I've met for the first time from online
C)me asking guys on dates
I feel like B is a real date? Pickiness is the enemy of happiness. And A and C can turn out, or they can't. Such is life.
For a while, now, I feel like I'm so unworthy of a man, or love, because no guy is ever interested in me. This crushes me because the thing I most want to be is a mother and wife. The most dates I've ever been on with one guy was 3 dates, and I asked him the first time. What is so wrong with me? I am suffering deeply from this. I know my self-esteem shouldn't be based on external forces, or based on how other people act, but I can't help but noticing I'm the common denominator.
The point that most concerns me here is the focus on something you're not right now. What I most want to be is a published author with a solid Amazon ranking. Well, I'm not going to wake up tomorrow, or even a year from now, and have what I most want. That doesn't make me less worthy or make my goal unattainable. This is something you can't control. (I'll assume for the purposes of this answer that you are unwilling for personal reasons to pursue motherhood without a husband.)
Frankly, and this goes for ladies and gents, someone whose number one priority is their non-existent family life can come across as dull. It's a worthy goal, but what are you doing in the meantime? Are you hiking mountains? Knitting tiny sweaters for dogs? Cooking Korean food? Longboarding? Writing bad iambic pentameter poetry?
Depression sucks but that's my diagnosis for what ails you. That you're so caught up on dating that it's eating away at all other aspects of your life. Vicious cycle.
I'm awesome -- attractive, rich, smart guys tell me this all the time -- and my self-esteem still stinks. Save your hundreds of dollars in therapy and take it from me, your self-worth has to come from you.
Sure, I may be chubby, and a bit shy, but I'm still cute and nice and a likeable person. There has to be at least one guy in this world who finds me attractive (right????), but sadly, nothing is happening. And I have been feeling quite depressed as of late. I used to do the online dating thing, but haven't for a couple of years because it never lead anywhere and I hated getting my hopes up for something to work out, when things never went anywhere.
As I see it, you have two options. You can accept yourself as you are, or you can change. But you can't have both. I was down on myself because I dropped out of college, boohoo, I will never go anywhere. It was terrible at the time, but only until I (a) accepted the reality of what happened (b) made some actual effort to changing that did I get anywhere. I changed my situation, and therefore, I liked myself more.
There are a lot of emotions embedded in this paragraph and like Becky Sharp of Vanity Fair I don't really do fellow female emotions. So let's look at it logically. You're "chubby." This could mean a lot of things but let's take it at face value. I've dated and flirted with slightly overweight guys, but I'm aware of the double standard. So you can work toward a healthy lifestyle, and if you lose weight in the process, great; if not, great. Then you did something for yourself (cf previous point about additional interests besides "future mommy") and get endorphins and such in the process. You're shy -- again could mean a lot. I'm not but I have lots of friends who are. You can actively work towards being more social. If you're LDS (all signs point to yes) go to the near-daily activities singles' wards have. If you're into geeky stuff there's Salt Lake Comic Con, for starters.
You say you're cute. We'll assume adequate grooming and hygiene. Ask a trusted party -- brothers work well -- who won't sugarcoat the truth. "Nice" is super vague. It could mean anything from a quietly compassionate person who's always looking out for others' best interests to a boring wallflower. Women, especially Mormon women, as I've said before, are socialized to be "nice," which too often is interpreted as passive. Not the same thing. Go do service and make good on your allegation. Number-one cure for depression right there and I'm not paid by a drug company. (That being said if you are or have been on a psychiatric med don't go off it willy-nilly.) You say you're likable. Well don't be filled with self-pity. I'm allergic to being single so I've been there, but confidence is likable, and I don't see much of it. Do something you enjoy, and then you'll feel more confident, and people are drawn to you. I, for instance, like writing 100 Hour Board answers. It gets my mind off my endlessly complicated love life. I advise something similarly time-consuming and that plays to your strengths.
We'll assume yes, but I don't like this idea of some man out there being attracted to you and therefore making you happy. Men are attracted to me but I'm not married and tough things have happened in my life. Mormon culture can be somewhat misleading on this point. More on that to come.
You can date online and give it a chance or you can't. Only you can make that call.
Seriously, I'm at a loss for what to do--regarding my self-esteem and dating. Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me because I did X and Y and Z in the past. But then I think that's stupid, and it's just the depression talking. But then I think I'm the ugliest person in the world, or the stupidest, or the fattest, and that is why everyone seems to be able to get a date except for me. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but how can I not? Utah is full of model-looking females and I flat out don't fit the mold. Even the guys who don't fit the mold aren't interested in me.
God's not punishing you. We learned that in the story of the man born blind. (Yet another thing that is probably more challenging in many ways than being single in your late twenties.) Separate your self-esteem from dating.
Comparison is the enemy of joy. I fit the mold, more or less, and I don't have a husband. It's not a zero-sum game. Other people getting married doesn't rob me of my chance of happiness. And you're starting to tread on thin ice in the last sentence there by using shallow metrics (if you can get called out for being shallow by me, this might give you pause) on men that you feel are used on you to your detriment!
One time while attending BYU, my bishop asked me if I was dating. I said nope. He was like, "Well, I've noticed only the extremely beautiful or the extremely ugly are the ones to marry while attending BYU." Wow, thanks for that confidence booster. I already knew I was a Plain Jane. Then he furthered his observation by adding, "It's going to take someone REALLY special to marry you." What the heck? I think he was referring to the fact that I'm shy, but why is he even bringing that up? It only hurt me more. Like, I'm SO outrageously quiet that it's going to take someone who likes weird people to want to be with me? This was a few years ago but his words still hurt. If you've ever suffered from depression you know that you tend to build up all the negatives that people have ever said to you and ignore (or forget) all the positives.
Yeah, this is stupid, and I'm not sure what he means. The world isn't divided into beautiful and ugly. I didn't know that middle-aged ecclesiastical leaders took their cues from Hot or Not. His backhanded compliment is offensive and you can just ignore it. People said that my little sister getting a puppy was replacing her dead mother. I was livid. Well, you just have to move on from people's stupidity.
I don't have depression per se but I have other issues and yes, it's easy to get hung up on negative things.
Assortative mating is a thing so maybe you would be benefited by pursuing men like you, whether that be in shyness, body type, or interests. The moniker Plain Jane makes you sound boring and passive so even if you believe that about yourself, think of yourself in a more positive way. Maybe you have startlingly blue eyes, if we're going to focus on the physical. Maybe you have an encyclopedic knowledge of Yu-Gi-Oh or Romance languages. I'd rather hang out with an amazingly intelligent and passionate average-looking person than a dull looker.
I've known some dudes with pretty serious body issues, who obsessed about their weight or looking like they did in college or what women flirted with them, but they never took it so far as to think they wouldn't get married (as far as I know).
I believe that I've broken out of my shell a bit since my bishop told me those things. But I'm still under the belief that, dang, someone who is not "normal" will be who I end up with. That makes me sad because I think I'm a normal person with a normal personality. The couple of times that my cousin tried to set me up were with guys who flat out were ugly. I'm not saying this to be mean. I know if I had met them beforehand I would see them in a different light because personality is more important than looks, but based solely on appearances, her trying to set me up with these guys just dropped my self-esteem that much lower because she must think I'm extremely ugly.
You can have your taste in men. We all do. But this seems a bit harsh. You're conflating two things, by the way. You think, like many people, that personality and looks are somehow correlated. That "normal"-acting people look "normal." Or that good-looking people are "nice." I'm good-looking but I'm probably not "normal." If someone set me up with someone else, they might think "wow, she's hot," and then conclude "wow, she's a hot mess" by date three. Deriving your self-esteem from your first-blush judgment of a blind date's looks is a bad idea. It's unkind, and it represents some warped thinking on your part. No one "deserves" a person who looks a certain way. As someone who has been liked more for superficial appearances than my character, let me tell you: not fun. It's the same kind of thinking, in reverse. You yourself feel misjudged by men, then turn around and do it to men based on next to nothing. If there's no chemistry, don't go on that second or third date. But maybe they had an off day.
SO, how can I learn to like myself for who I am? I know when I was having major depression a while back my mom was telling me that Jesus died for me and that shows just how much He loves me, but honestly, that didn't make me feel any better. I have been having some major faith issues, probably as a result of my non-dating life. I know it's not the Lord's fault I'm not dating, but sometimes I think if He cared for me a bit more he would give some guy a little push to be interested in me. I know, it's crazy talk. And I'm rambling.
So here we have the crux of the question.
Being mindful is good. You're clearly ruminating on this one issue when in the meantime you could have gone on a run, read an issue of the New Yorker, or even browsed some online dating sites to see what's out there. (You could even filter for guys who are attracted to your current body type, or who share your religion, whathaveyou.) I can sympathize with the idea that these abstract ideas don't make much difference when you're hurting. One danger of this vein of thought, at least for me, is that then your self-worth becomes dependent on yet another man. You have worth because you are a human being just like the other 7 billion of us with ideas and hopes and dreams and reason. Regardless of your body type, your personality, or your social situation, you can contribute to your neighborhood, community, and world in ways that have nothing to do with dating, marriage, or reproduction. You'll never be 28 again. Enjoy it now. I'm not a guy but that's the kind of woman I'd be attracted to.
God helps those who help themselves. He doesn't arbitrarily punish or reward you with men bearing bouquets of flowers.
What can I do? I just feel like I'm in a deep hole.
I felt that way and then my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I've never really been in that pit of black despair again because reality hit me. It's funny, I thought that I would never be agonizing over my man-chasing once something so terrible happened. Well, a year and a half after her death, I'm totally in another dating crisis. But I'm not in the Fitzgerald-like "dark night of the soul." A degree helped. A good job helped. Good friends helped. Moderate exercise helped. And when those things stopped helping sometimes you cry or send an ill-advised text or stalk your ex. But it's not the end of the world and married people are apparently looking for ways to hire babysitters at $15 for three hours anyway, so single life has its upsides.
My brother wasn't wrong. You need a hobby. That doesn't involve boys.
---Portia
A:
Dear friend--
I have a good friend in just about your identical situation. Here is the thing: what women find attractive about people is different from what men find attractive about people. This explains Uffish Thought's observation about her roommate, below--a girl can be pretty but not THAT pretty, athletic but not impressively so, smart but not THAT smart, and get tons of dates and leave all the other prettier, smarter, more athletic, more talented, more whatever girls wondering why????
And it comes down to the fact that things women value in people are different from things men value in women. I once read some famous dead guy who lamented what he viewed as the fact that the women men most adore are almost universally despised by their own sex.
In college, after my first real relationship blew up, I turned to research in order to discover how to play the game of love correctly the next time. Because clearly I'd been a clueless idiot the first time. PS, just for the public record, everything involved with that ill-fated relationship is among my life regrets and I am deeply sorry about basically all of it. Anyway. The one good thing about it was that it was a wake-up call to my own idiocy, and my subsequent research and mastery of various dating-related skills thereafter greatly enhanced my life. I thought the world had ended when my first real relationship exploded, but a mere year later, almost exactly, I started dating my future husband. Merely two years later, I was married to him, the most amazing guy anyone could ever meet. So in the end, everything worked out (at least for me!).
In my experience, dating is a process like any other and you can hack it. There are clear steps you can take to master the game. Only if you do them, other women will probably hate you! You will confuse and befuddle them by embodying characteristics that men find desirable in women, that women do not necessarily find exceptionally desirable.
In my experience, inspiring attraction in men comes down to two things: having an inspiring character, and making them feel masculine. Controversy!!! Oh well. It's all about making men feel like men, and inspiring them to be better men.
This is an example of how mastering these two things worked for me. I have edited this for length, but this is a letter my husband wrote to me about four weeks after we met. We had not yet gone out on a date. At this point, I barely knew him at all. We had had literally four conversations, period. He did not give me this letter when he wrote it; he gave me this letter after we were married, but I want you to notice some main things about it, mostly regarding the inspiring character and the ability to evoke feelings of masculinity. My bolding for emphasis:
Here is what I think about you. You’re an incredibly capable, wonderful woman. I love to listen to your stories and become increasingly impressed. What got me is when you said that you wanted to change the world, in that meek but determined way of yours. Your mind becomes more and more unforgivably interesting to me.
I love your cute smile. It’s a warm, welcoming sight that gently rings the core of my masculinity. You have a poise; a grace, really.
I straggle around your house, taking every ward-sponsored excuse I can to get in there hoping to talk to you over cards one more time. Or over anything, really, if we can open up again. I want to hear your thoughts on life, death, love, anything, really. I find myself almost desperate just to listen to you explain what’s important to you, to reveal what makes you tick and makes you the confident woman you are. I want to peel back all these unknown layers and see your potential and dreams.
I enjoyed your testimony. Really, I enjoyed the spirit I felt throughout the whole meeting, and its strength and truth during your sincere testimony. Now there’s someone who knows how to share a testimony, I thought to myself. And then it caught me – a realization of an impossible conclusion. I have just barely become interested in you over three or four conversations, and lying on my bed and thinking of your testimony I suddenly knew I cared for you. Not just a casual liking.
Okay, enough of that. Now, don't you want someone to write that kind of letter about you?? This is what happens when you master the very real, very practical, very concrete skills involved with inspiring men.
Notice that he does not mention anything about my looks, beyond my smile. Smiling is important. It is more important than being thin. Notice that he does not mention my figure or anything else like that; he notes grace and poise, meekness and spunk, having an interesting mind and inspiring faith. Let's be real: I'm not that pretty. I'm okay, but what attracted my future husband had less to do with my body and more to do with the characteristics that A) made him feel like a man and B) inspired him to be a better man. This is what being a successful woman in the dating scene comes down to, in my personal experience and research. This is also what happiness in marriage, as a woman, comes down to, in my own experience. In other words, if you disagree, fine. All I'm saying is, this worked for me and my marriage is freaking awesome. Did you read that note?? Hello, marital bliss! What's better than being flat-out adored by the man you love more than life?? Wouldn't it be fantastic to be regarded as "unforgivably interesting?" Wouldn't it be nice to have your true love consider himself "desperate" to hear all your thoughts? This is the best stuff! Try being unhappy with a relationship like this!
So. How do you go about inspiring this type of adoration in men? The type of adoration that positively baffles other women? It comes down to mastering two overarching areas of expertise: the so-called "angelic" qualities (which are spiritually inspiring) and the so-called "human" qualities (which are physically endearing).
ANGELIC QUALITIES
- Strong character. If you want to marry in the Church and don't have a strong testimony, do what it takes to get one. Start studying your scriptures every day, with purpose. Pray continually. Do your visiting teaching. Test the Lord by paying your tithing and keeping the commandments. Develop yourself into a spiritually inspiring person, embodying qualities of purity, generosity, sweetness, thoughtfulness, courteousness, kindheartedness. Become sweet-tempered. Become the type of woman whose presence is restful. Note in the love letter above--this guy has only known me for a month, and I think I took this part out but he would only see me at church on Sunday and then at FHE at my house. Twice a week, but he found my presence "warm" and "welcoming." Become the sort of woman whose presence welcomes. Become wise.
- Inner happiness. Develop inner happiness by intentionally finding joy in the little things. Is it sunny outside? Good enough for a smile! Is it rainy outside? Well yay for rain to make the flowers grow. Men want women who are happy. Controversy! But seriously, your chances of dating will go up if you count yourself as an overall happy person than an overall sad person. Allow yourself to delight in little joys.
- Domestic goddess. I'm still mastering this one, but no guy is awe-inspired by filth and disarray. As a SAHM someday, it will be your literal full-time job to make sure your home is one of order and cleanliness. Inspire awe in the men around you today by cleaning up after yourself and making the physical environment you influence a place as warm and welcoming as your beautifully warm and welcoming personality.
HUMAN QUALITIES
- Feminine. Look and act like a girl! I'm always surprised when my girlfriends wonder why they aren't dating, but only wear sweatshirts and ill-fitting jeans. Hello! Put on some mascara, please! Ditch the sweatshirt and put on a feminine blouse! Why would a guy want to date a girl who dresses like a guy?
- Radiance. Men like it when women radiate happiness. Heck, people like it when people radiate happiness. This comes back to character, and having a character that inspires feelings of warmth and welcoming in those around you. There is joy everywhere and you can find it and you can harness it and make it a part of you and let it shine through you. Radiate joy.
- Fascinating. Remember in the note above, where he said that my mind was "unforgivably interesting?" You want to be unforgivably interesting. Many other writers responding to this question have brought up this particular facet of character development. Get hobbies! Learn things! Do things! Make yourself the kind of person that can fascinate. Make yourself the kind of person who leaves men wanting to "peel back all these unknown layers and see your potential and dreams." HAVE DREAMS. Pursue them.
- Fresh health. Am I saying be 120 lbs? No. Just look fresh and healthy. Let your eyes sparkle. Take care of your voice and let it speak sweetly and kindly. Take care of your teeth and smile a lot. If your cheeks are not naturally rosy, wear blush. Every day. I naturally have like corpse cheeks (so pale! eek!) so I have to wear blush every day to look healthy--even though I am in pretty excellent health. You don't have to be thin to look radiantly healthy.
- Tenderness. Note my husband's focus on my meekness of speech. He focused on my testimony, which for me was a moment of tenderness. Being tender inspires masculinity because it signals a need for protection. Controversy! But inspiring a man to protect you inspires a man to love you. According to my research and personal experience.
- Spunk. By which I mean, girlish confidence. Have opinions and have strong opinions--you're going for "unforgivably interesting," remember--but don't be mean or spiteful. Be spunky. You want to be the "plucky" heroine, not the brash or arrogant or jerkwad heroine. We're going for pluck and spunk mixed with tenderness and kindness and radiant joy and health.
~~
So, those would be my recommendations. Work on embodying those qualities. You can win the dating game. You can win hearts. You can be beloved and adored. You can inspire men who barely know you to write you beautiful love letters. You can be cherished. Even if you do these things imperfectly. Pretty much everyone knows that I do not 100% embody these characteristics and I never have! But the trick is to start aligning yourself with them and witness changes in your life.
The summer before I met my future husband, I'd already started changing my nature to be more in line with the qualities listed above. I was dating another guy I really liked, and as an example of how well my new chosen qualities worked in that department, he was working in Africa for the summer, and once every few weeks he'd have Skype access, and he'd Skype me. On Father's Day that year, he Skyped me first, before his own father, because according to him, he couldn't bear to put it off. He just wanted to speak with me.
...and he Skyped me for, yes, LITERALLY consecutive 8 hours. Basically the entire day. Of Father's Day. And then he only left because he'd forgotten his dad. So he got to Skype his dad for like 30 minutes because he'd spent the whole day distracted, captivated, if you will, by ordinary yet darling little me.
As another example, as I was undergoing this character transformation, I inadvertently won a few hearts I was SO not interested in having. My favorite story involved a guy who I didn't really know, but who became so infatuated with me he began Facebooking about me all the time. I had no idea because I didn't really know him well enough to care about his Facebook notes... until he snuck into my apartment when I wasn't there to upload romantic songs on my computer (I didn't notice that he did this until like two days later and my roommates asked if I'd noticed yet. I have like 3000 songs on iTunes. No, I didn't notice). And then later when he came back to Provo in the middle of the summer after moving away, and someone offhandedly asked me something like, "How does it feel to be the woman this guy spends tons of money to come back to?" When I said I had no idea what they were talking about, they pointed me to this guy's Facebook page, where I found oodles of love letter type things apparently to myself. They were pretty much just like the one my future husband wrote me, and like the things my Africa boyfriend would say to me. Oh man.
This story gets SO MUCH BETTER but ends up off topic. The point is, I changed my nature and became the sort of woman that random guys just fell in love with. I was not that cute! I was not that athletic! But all of a sudden I had this like queue of suitors. Did this baffle other girls around me? Absolutely! They knew I was not that cool. But boys didn't know that! They thought I was awesome!
This stuff WORKS. It works, it works, it works. If you saw my picture you would realize I am not exceptional in the looks department. I studied tactics and changed my own heart and my own life to become the kind of person I needed to be in order to marry the kind of guy I wanted to marry on a timeline that I wanted. And it worked for me. And I believe it can work for you.
The great thing about stuff like this is that you can experiment with it. Think it sounds totally bizarre and wack? That's fine. Try it for 30 days and see if anything changes. And if it does, you'll know it works. And if it doesn't, well, then there you go.
I also agree with everything else all the other writers wrote on this, by the way.
I believe in you!
There can be joy in your future!
- Lexi Khan
A:
Dear worth-while person,
Portia touched on it but I just wanted to echo her on a specific part of what she said. I personally think that you need to focus on building your own life. Get hobbies, develop talents, do volunteer work, figure out what things you like to do and what qualities in yourself you want to develop. Build a really awesome life for yourself as a single woman. Having a fulfilling life will bring you happiness. I have shared this article that with a number of my friends because it rings true on a lot of aspects. A lot of people wait around to get married and essentially put their lives on hold while they wait for marriage to happen. Unfortunately, there are a lot of really awesome single people out there who just haven't found the opportunity to get married. I have an unmarried aunt in her 40's who is amazing as well as several friends in their early, mid, and late 20's or 30's who I admire quite a bit and don't understand why they are single. Some of them date a lot but just can't find the right person and others (like you) rarely ever go on a date.
So my recommendation is to just not focus on it. There are a lot of other things to think about and to focus on. Do some service/volunteer work so that you are thinking about others and try to develop new talents. You will either find someone along the journey that will be the right fit for you or you won't. Either way you have the opportunity to build a full and happy life for yourself.
~Krishna
A:
Dear,
I've got a friend who fits your bill very well--28, never dated anyone, a little bit chubby, but cute and interesting and smart and passionate and all-around wonderful. I don't know about the specifics of who asked who on the dates she's been on, but I don't think she goes on many. Anyway, it's her I'm picturing when I'm talking to you, right now, and I hope it's not too far off.
I've made this comparison before on the Board, but I'll make it again now. I see finding love like rolling a pair of dice. Some people have generally-appreciated qualities, which makes it more likely that others will think they're worth dating. Those qualities might be physical attractiveness or outgoingness or intelligence or kindness or any number of things. These people are sevens, because that's the number that comes up most often. (Right? I think it is.) Here I think of one of my old roommates. She went on dates ALL THE TIME. Sometimes as few as three in a week, but it wasn't uncommon for her to go on three in a night. I don't know which qualities where the ones that ended up tipping the scales in her favor, and I wish I did. She was pretty, but not shockingly so. She was athletic, but not obsessive. She was quick-witted, and laughed easily. She was the RSP, so maybe the guys were impressed with her spirituality? But she was also catty and cruel, both directly to people's faces and again behind their backs. And the things that she appreciated in men were things that seemed unbelievably superficial to me. I don't know which qualities the guys she went out with saw and which they didn't, what they appreciated and what they didn't care about, and what their motives were in asking her out. I just know that she went on a date with at least one guy from every apartment in the ward, and she wasn't trying to get dates.
Other people people have traits that are not necessarily bad, but are not as commonly admired. They could be chubbiness, like you worry about, or they could be unapproachability or a habit of ending every sentence with "you know?" or even something like being a rabid Dr. Who fan or fondness for Thai food or hiking slot canyons. Any trait or interest that puts you outside the mainstream also distances you from being a Seven. These people could be slightly less probable numbers, like fives, or maybe they're very unusual, like a twelve. And once again, I really don't know which traits are the traits that matter. I've met wonderful women who are pretty and funny and smart and friendly and I would have guessed that they go on dates every weekend, who actually had never been on dates in their lives. I don't understand why that happens.
Here's the thing about rolling dice, though. It's random. Sure, probability applies, but you can still roll and get snake eyes on your first try, or you can roll 50 times in a row and never get a seven. Just because someone seems to have everything on her side doesn't guarantee that she'll find love early (or even at all), and just because someone else seems like a weirdo who couldn't find a friend, let alone love, that doesn't guarantee that she won't find beautiful perfect love straight off.
I wish I could tell you what to do to make men notice you, but I really don't know. I am not particularly beautiful or ugly, I don't do well at fashion or makeup or hair or exercising, my sense of humor is immature, I'm kind of boring and my social skills are so-so and I haven't been going to all the extraneous church meetings because I feel awkward there, I've got middle-of-the-road intelligence and a few odd interests and a slightly abrasive personality, but I've dated several guys during and after college. They were all great guys, but none of them were great fits for me. My friend who reminds me of you is a little chubbier than me, but she also exercises regularly and IS beautiful, and she has gorgeous hair and is good at fashion and makeup, and she's funny and smart and interesting, but not unapproachable, and she's a little shy but she also goes to her meetings and meets people and men should be beating down her door, but they don't, and I don't understand why.
And of course there's the fact that men are looking for different things, too. There are guys who like skinny women and guys who like chubby women, guys who like redheads and guys who don't, guys who are okay with immature humor and ones who aren't, guys who want a girl who has a great relationship with her family, and ones who couldn't care less. There are traits that are more widely valued, but I don't know that any traits are universally admired or hated. And being more widely liked may not be worth it, either. Maybe some guys think it's weird that I enjoy watching Nerdfighter videos, but it would be foolish of me to stop for that reason. By watching them, I learn new things and have new thoughts and feel like I'm part of a larger community doing awesome things. I don't want to become an empty person to avoid being a lonely person. I'd prefer to hold out for a man who values those components of me. And I think you should, too.
Then again, if there are things about yourself you don't like, then by all means work on improving them. You may want to try to lose weight. I'm fine with my weight but I wish I had any muscle mass and I could use the endorphins, so I'm making goals to exercise. I am also making goals to do productive things and get a job and be more social and stop believing that the reason I'm low on friends is because I'm uninteresting. I'm trying to remember that I've had friends in the past, but situations threw us together to make it easier, and I was more proactive about getting together and doing things. It's not bad to want to change--in fact, it's good, if you've got realistic and healthy goals. Just try to do it for yourself instead of in the hope that it will win you scores of suitors.
I also want to point out that whatever your goals, you do not need to have already met them to find love. I've had many friends who thought that they should wait for love (or it wouldn't find them) until they were done with a degree or skinnier or temple worthy or cured of depression or whatever. I don't like that thought. I think that if the other person knows about your baggage and is okay with it, then go ahead. And I know when I've unconsciously set deadlines for myself about when would be a good time for a relationship to come along, it's felt like a kick in the guts when the deadline passed and I was still single. Work towards perfection, but don't plan for your life to start after you reach it.
I know you know all this, and it's not much comfort, but it's all I've got. You're not alone. You are worth it. I hope next time you roll the dice, they land on your number, whatever that is, and you get a chance at love. You deserve it. If you want, you can email me, too, and we can tell each other that we're awesome and deserve good things, and that probably they're right around the corner. Even when we know it, it's nice to hear it all again. uffishwerf at gmail dot com
-Uffish Thought
P.S. My best guess is that your bishop was trying to get you excited about how awesome your future husband will be, and not to suggest that you're such an oddball it will take someone really ugly and desperate or perhaps mentally deficient to want to date you. At the same time, I know how hurtful thoughtless, offhanded comments by bishops can be. I'm still hurting from the time my bishop unintentionally told me that the ward would be better off without me in it, and that was over a year ago in a ward I no longer attend. Try to remember though that they're still human and can be wrong, and yours should not have said that. It didn't have any kind of divine guidance behind it.
A:
Dear Real Woman,
Let's talk marketing.
It sounds like you're trying to sell a product that A) you don't believe in, B) without a target market, and C) without a marketing plan.
A. Believe in your product. That would be you. You are cute. You are nice. You are likable. Friend, that makes you a good product, regardless of the market. Like the above writers said, you should continue your labors in product development. Try to envision the best You you can be, and as you work to achieve it, you'll be happier.
B. Know what you want. You don't want any guy who will have you, but that's what your question sounds like. Do you want someone academic? Outgoing? Conservative? Who do you think would mesh well with you? What kind of people do you feel most comfortable with? At some point in my dating life, I realized that the kind of guy I wanted to be with probably would not be going to BYU dances. So I stopped going, and it was a huge relief. You may not know exactly where you'll meet the kind of guys you want, but you can almost certainly rule out some things, which can ease some of your expectations. You also won't have to worry about trying to attract people who really aren't your target focus. Yeah, of course you can't be too superficial (eg., "I want a Chris Evans lookalike who loves knitting and massaging my feet"), but certainly there are some ways you can narrow the market.
C. Have a plan. That plan cannot be "I will sit shyly at ward functions and wait for the hot knitting masseur to come profess his love." After you've narrowed your market, evaluate your connections and see if any of them could fit, then figure out ways to get to know them better - they don't have to be dates. If none of your connections fit your target, figure out how to meet more people. I met my husband at work. Neither of us asked each other out on sight.
I don't really have a good way to close this answer, except to echo that that entire conversation with your bishop was dumb and, if he still remembers it, he should be facepalming continually.
Good luck, truly.
The Cleaning Lady
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