Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,
What things about children do you wish you had known before you had them? Or alternately, do you have any general child-rearing tips for me?
Expecting all sorts of things,
-Whistler
A:
Dear Whistler,
Lately, my four-year-old daughter has been thinking about babies a lot. She tells me about how it's going to be when she's a mommy (there will be a TV in her kids' room. That she made.), how many she will have, and what kind of babies they will be (she will have four girls and three boys, and they will all be twins). And also, it is obvious that she wishes she had a little sister, instead of a little brother. So I endeavored to explain to her that a mommy doesn't get to pick what kind of baby she has, if it's a boy or girl. I told her that DNA is what tells the mom's body what kind of baby to make.
This was a continuation of discussions we started having when I was pregnant with her brother (when she was almost two). I try to always use real terms for things. She knows full well that a baby lives in a uterus, not just a tummy. There is a placenta, and amniotic fluid, and her belly button is where her umbilical cord used to be. I've told her that it's hard work to get a baby out, and we call it labor. I told her that the baby comes out through the mommy's privates (and we've discussed at other times that girls have two openings in their privates, a vagina, and a urethra, so that one is only a little bit of a cop-out), and that the cervix is where the uterus has to open up big for the baby to get out.*
I educated her about all this on purpose, because I'm very interested in childbirth, and also in an attempt to ensure that my daughter won't be afraid of it. But that's all about only the mommy and the baby. I don't find that stuff awkward at all. Regarding sex, though, I always liked the idea that you answer the questions the child asks, without lots of extra detail that the kid doesn't even want yet.
Can you see where I'm going with this?
Well, yesterday was the big day. She asked me how a mommy tells her body to make a baby. I was struck dumb, and found myself scrambling. Fortunately, she didn't ask any followups when I told her that a mommy and a daddy have to work together to start the baby. Though she did protest that boys can't have babies. Because they don't have uteruses, you know.
I guess the moral of the story is that it's impossible to really be prepared for children. I thought I knew this before having kids, but now I really, really know it.
Good luck.
- The Defenestrator
*This one happened because my sister was in labor, and her husband sent out a text when the midwife got there, letting us know she was eight cm. And I was so happy about that, because she'd been having contractions for about five days, and it was nice to confirm that that was all real labor, and not just some kind of tease. So (since there was no one else around, and I was super excited), I told my daughter that her aunt's cervix was open eight cm, and it only had to get two more to be ten, and then the baby would come soon. And she remembered this, because when I showed her a picture of the new baby a few hours later, she said, "She got the other two," and I had no idea what she was talking about, but then figured out it was all about the cervix. That kid never forgets anything, the little smarty pants.
A:
Dear Whistler,
Before I had kids I wish I truly understood that they were probably going to be quite normal. Let me explain. When I was pregnant with Baby Bones #1, I was so convinced I could raise her to be the calmest, most laid-back and easy-going kid ever. I used to see other kids throw these huge temper tantrums and think that will never fly with my kids. That simply isn't going to happen because I am going to raise them right.
Boy, was I ever wrong and quite naive.
Your kids are going to act like kids. Just brace yourself for it now. There will be meltdowns. They will throw food. They will blow out of their diapers and have many accidents during potty training. They will push and/or hit their friends or siblings during fits of frustration. They will try to eat dirt. They will ask you embarrassing questions in front of everyone at the grocery store. They will cry for absolutely no reason at all. They will run around and make messes and laugh hysterically while doing it.
But there are also the sweet, tender moments. They will keep bringing books to you begging you to read them. They will eventually learn to drink from a normal cup and eat with a fork and be so proud of themselves for doing it. They will someday sleep through the night, take normal naps and even be fully potty trained, too. They'll sing along to the latest Disney songs. They'll play nicely with their friends and even their siblings sometimes, too. They'll finally learn not to pull the dog's tail and to treat her nicely instead.
I also wish I had realized early on not to take my kids' behavior personally. While I am their main caregiver and they do spend the most time with me, they are influenced by many other people and things, too. They way they act is not always a direct result of how I am raising them. I can't hold myself responsible for every poor decision they make. It's how they learn and how they are going to continue to learn.
Kids are some of the greatest teachers God has ever given us. They really are wonderful. You just have to let them be themselves and appreciate them for their unique personalities. I am so excited for you! You are going to be such a terrific mother.
-Sky Bones
A:
Dear Whistler ~
They really are all different. I've always heard that, but never really believed that. I believed in theory, but figured that nurture would play a huge part in how my children behaved and responded to situations.
Dragon Baby and Niffler Baby are so extremely different in so many ways that I can't possibly fathom how Baby 3.0 will be able to have his own unique personality. So I'm sure I'm going to learn this lesson again.
That said, some things I still pridefully cling to as nurture (and will probably have slapped in my face at a later date) include:
Picky eaters. If you never cater to pickiness, they can't be picky, right? My kids eat most everything. They won't eat every thing every time, of course, but there is no one food that they hate and will never touch. And, even better, no food that they will only eat and would rather starve than eating. Mostly we accomplish this by having a variety of food. And once they're old enough to understand reasoning, we require them to just try one bite and if they don't like it, they can spit it out. It often requires cajoling and reasoning and sometimes bribing, and we're far from perfect. We never force the issue into crying or tantrums. We want meals to be a pleasant experience. And it could just be that Dragon Baby is very logical. But we remind her often that sometimes our tongues just need practice with a certain food before it can decide it likes it. So it's ok if they spit it out; their tongue just must not be ready for it yet. But we lace our meal-time conversations with stories about how picky mommy was as a kid and how I'm sad I missed out on so many foods. Or reminding her of her cousin who stayed with us for 3 weeks and at the beginning hated zucchini, but after trying it lots of times learned that she liked it. Or her other cousin at the same time who hated onions, but learned that trip that she likes them sautéed. Or when I make something that she used to hate but now loves, we'll point out that she used to hate it, and isn't she glad that she decided to keep trying it until she liked it?
Relatedly, when you go to start your kids on solids, look into Baby-led Weaning. We did it with Niffler Baby and I love it. Makes meals so much easier.
Love of learning. When a 2-year old starts asking "What's that?" while pointing to Every. Little. Thing. or asking "Why?" about everything, it gets really, really tiring and will try your patience. I try very hard to answer those questions. It's interesting how much I've learned about the world and what I take for granted when trying to honestly answer the questions. Not only does it help them love learning new things, but it also teaches them to trust that you will answer any questions they have. I'm guessing that will be very helpful entering the tween years. Ask me again in 8 years. And when I just can't answer another question, I've found that distractions are a great way to end it without yelling at them to just stop asking questions! Or redirecting and asking them questions.
If you have a logical child, talking things out goes a loooong ways. When Dragon Baby does something wrong or is upset about something, instead of yelling or getting angry, we go cuddle in a comfy chair and I let her cry and rage until she's ready to talk. And then we talk about what happened, what each of us did wrong (I usually admit what I did wrong first, as an example for her), and how we could do it better the next time. By then she understands the situation and sees it from both of our perspectives and not just her own and is usually calm. She'll usually agree to apologize, if needed, or do whatever else she needs to do to make it right. I'm not sure this will work with Niffler Baby. She's too young to know for sure, but I'm guessing this is just for very logical children, which I don't think she is. She seems more emotionally-driven. Like her mommy.
Young kids can do chores. Dragon Baby is 4.5 and is perfectly capable of emptying every small trash can in the house into a large trash can and relining them with garbage bags. She does this every week. She is also perfectly capable of doing her own laundry from start to finish (minus putting in the detergent. And I'm seriously considering trying out detergent pods, just so she can do it herself). She can also clean toilet bowls. And, in fact, begs to do so. She squirts in the cleaner, lets it sit while she does the other two toilets, then comes back and scrubs it out, rinses out the brush in the sink and puts it away, and flushes the toilet. I'm starting to teach her to use Clorox wipes to clean the outside of the toilet, too. But I'm building up her endurance for it. Kids are far more capable of housework than most parents give them credit for. Admittedly, it requires patience to teach them how to do it, and is usually far easier to just do on your own, but a few months of trying not to tear your hair out is worth the years of slave labor you'll get down the road.
There are no Right Police. I discuss this in Board Question #77111.
If at all possible, don't let your kid have a binkie past age 1 or so. We're trying to wean Niffler Baby (26 months) off hers because it's pushing her teeth forward, and it is Pure Torture. For all of us. If I had the emotional stamina for it, I would just go cold turkey. But ... I don't. I just don't. Being pregnant doesn't lend itself well to calm and collected emotions.
Good luck! Mostly, just trust your instincts and ignore anyone telling you you're wrong. You can even ignore any of my above advice. I promise not to judge. But really, you're going to be a great mom.
~ Dragon Lady
A:
Dear friend--
I wish I'd done more research into the common medical interventions involved with childbirth prior to having my first kid. I wasn't completely clueless, by any means, but this time around I know so much more than I did then. If I knew then what I know now, I would have made different choices both in the hospital and afterward. I do believe my choices regarding my son's early medical care are still affecting him today and not in a good way. No details because our situation is as unique as yours will be. But I wish I had known how much certain unnecessary medical procedures would screw my body up in the months (MONTHS I TELL YOU) after childbirth; I wish I had read the ingredients and potential side effects of every shot administered to both me and my child; I wish I had asked more questions and been braver in every medical setting, instead of just blindly accepting opinions as facts just because the person telling them to me had a white coat on.
As far as after the kid is out of your body and safe at home, I wish I'd realized how resilient kids are. This kind of also comes down to more research. Example: with Kid #1, he once went almost a week without pooping, when he was less than a month old. I was so scared and worried. But he was fine. With my new baby, she once went for over a week, and I finally discovered in the course of my research that in societies where breastfeeding is the norm, doctors don't even worry about a 100% breastfed baby not pooping unless it has been over 29 days. Whoa. Mind-blown. So now I know I don't need to worry as much as I used to.
Also, I was very fortunate to discover this before I had kids, but a lot of my friends never bothered to find out that fenugreek is amazing for boosting milk supply. My first kid was 10.5 lbs at birth, and my body struggled to feed him--until I tried fenugreek. I've had a lot of friends just give up after a week or two of breastfeeding because they weren't making enough milk and didn't realize there was an answer. So now I give fenugreek to every preggo I know. Ha! It's awesome.
Good luck!
- Lexi Khan
A:
Dear Whistler,
The most revelatory thing I discovered about parenting is that you can't really MAKE your children do anything. You can coerce, convince, teach, train, threaten, manhandle, etc., but when it comes down to it, when a 2 year old really wants to scream their lungs out, you'd have to knock them out to get them to stop.
Also, Target-brand disposable diapers are the best value.
Sincerely,
The Cleaning Lady
A:
Dear Whistler,
DO NOT LET OTHER PEOPLE MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT YOUR PARENTING CHOICES.
Not about how you give birth, how you feed your baby, how you diaper, when and what pacifiers you use, ANYTHING. You will know better than anybody what your baby needs and don't let other people convince you otherwise.
Lactation consultants can be very helpful or very, very pushy and guilt inducing. Don't hesitate to stand up for yourself. Don't read too much "expert" advice on breastfeeding and sleeping, it can make you crazy. Just be patient and figure out what works for you and your baby. Whatever makes both of you happy is the best option, and it's different for every family.
And I second the Target diapers (which are another 5-10% off with the Cartwheel app and another 5% off if you have a RedCard).
--habiba
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