I orgininally posted this in a mental health forum first. But things developed and it seems it is more at place here now.
This is a life story followed by present day developing romance. I will post the developments in a second post. You can hopefully read the tl;dr, then the second post. I wanted to get my life's story off my chest initially, type it all out. But currently, I am more interested in how to interpret last two week's developments.
tl;dr:
Looking back on my childhood, things didn't go well. As a young adult, I fell in love with a girl I only met 4 times a year, took me 5 years to recover from, 4 years more where I hid myself at my parents place. This kind of destroyed me. No job, no friends, no education, though lot's of talent, apparently.
Then went out at age 31 and started working towards a PhD in physics, surprisingly very successful. Naturally focused fully on academics. I have cordial relations with all my 'colleagues', am sure none of them dislike me, but none of them are friends.
Then I started to randomly develop feelings with one of my fellow students, an outgoing super-smart girl who is one of the few to go out of her way to connect with me. This brought back bad memories and made me realize I get too little satisfaction out of normal social relationships, or makes me feel obsessively in love with a random girl one a decade. This all caught me off guard, made me panic and I had an emotional breakdown.
I tried to be more outgoing and social, but fell back in my old habits.
Now I wonder if she is either a danger to my mental health, or a positive influence, and how I change my life around long-term even more, and how I try to twist all this worrying, pain, emptiness and regret I feel into a positive manner.
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Complete life story:
I kind of feel I have to tell my life's story. I don't know what kind of answers I expect to get, and what I will get out from it. But here I go.
As a child of 8-12 my father had to push me to engage in activities. Each week he would drag me and my brother to a ping-pong evening. Each week I would be reluctant, I don't remember anymore if I was sad or angry or crying. Each week the teachers there would tell my father I had fun.
At school I only made friends with girls. I am a male myself, so the other boys would bully me. They played a game of tag where the boys had to capture all the girls. They included me with the girls. I didn't understand why. I still don't.
One day I decided I liked girl at school. I was about 9 I think. I decided to 'romance' her with gifts. We became friends and I was over at her place a lot. Then one day she told me she would never marry me. I never spoke to her again.
I was also bullied. I remember one event where another boy pulled hair from my head. Apparently, I did something that really annoyed him a lot. I don't remember what I did. But the teacher came, saw hanks of hair in his hands, and I think we both got the same punishment. At least, that is how I experienced it. Because I felt back then how unjust it was, I still remember it today.
There have been other girls after that I liked. But always when I had such a feeling, I instinctively knew I had to keep it a secret and protect it at all cost. This was true all through secondary school. I would think about them, but never take any initiative to talk to them. It didn't occur to me.
I was never a bright kid. I scored below average. When a replacement teacher would come, my behavior would completely change and I would be very disruptive.
As a result, I went to the lowest level of secondary school.
I did ok, bad and very good at secondary school during different parts. I was forced to repeat a class because of bad grades. I was mad. I remember the first day in my new class, I decided not to talk to any of my new classmates. I had been part of a group of friends, they all moved to the next year, and I had to repeat it. Looking back, I didn't keep that up for a long time and made new 'friends'.
At the start of middle school, I and some other kids were selected for a special class that would help children to develop socially, open up, and be more comfortable with others. I was confused by this. There was a group of losers, and me. I didn't identify with most of them. I felt it was kind of insulting, but on advice from my parents I went there. It felt pointless at that time.
I graduated high school with high marks for the level of high school I was in, though that was below the average. I had learned I could be good at school and have fun learning math and science. I was really really bad at language.
During high school the relationship between my parents became a lot worse. My father is very dominant. He would yell at her all the time, ridicule her. She had a weak passive personality he apparently got frustrated by. And his response was to get really mad and yell. She slowly became an alcoholic as a result. Later on, she would lose her job. She now sleeps the whole morning, smokes and watches tv all day, barely eats, then drink as much as my father allows her to drink during the evening. She has no life. She doesn't come outside and her health, mental and physical, is terrible.
During the last few years I had a really good picture of what I wanted. I wanted to be a soldier, preferably in the special forced. Then, I would die in war and become a hero. When I look back at that now, I think I felt that was the only way I could really contribute. As a kid I wanted to be a paleontologist. I read about dinosaurs or science all the time. But now I knew I was a stupid kid, 3 levels below what I would need to be a talented meaningful kid.
But my father talked me out of it.
So I went to do vocational IT education, joining some of my friends. I now was only surrounded by males. I was in soccer team, and my class was all males. No females to worry about. No need to think about if they were being mean or nice, giving you attention.
People I know would always go out and party, drink a lot and have fun. They asked me to come along. I always refused. They kept asking me. They also started asking me why I didn't have a girlfriend. I didn't know. I would always answer: "No time." or something stupid like that. I didn't like any girls and I was happy not to like any so I didn't go out and look.
During this time I got into music, started playing guitar. I made friends online who shared similar interests. They greatly influenced me. They were very different from the people I was used to interacting. They were from urban areas, had a higher level of education. Some were really amazingly smart and knew all kinds of things about culture, philosophy, art, politics, science. I was about 18 now and they really changed me a lot. I became really left wing.
I started to realize how little I was learning at my vocational IT school. I wanted to learn how to program, but they barely taught that. Things I didn't want to learn, I refused to learn. I also had a horrible internship. I had never had a part-time job. Unlike other people, I didn't get satisfaction out of it and I didn't need the money as I didn't want a car, nice clothes, buy drinks or anything of that kind. But having to work from 8:30 to 17:30 was hard. The job was also boring. I really became depressed about that. It didn't help that my education wasn't going smoothly. I would score either high marks, or no marks at all. My classmates became concerned, as they knew I was pretty smart, but it looked like I was going to fail. I also started try to set up the students against the teachers. Some things were going badly. We had some bad teachers and irresponsible teachers and they made some management errors. So at one point they decided they needed to get rid of me. One teacher, the most clueless one there actually, tried to warn me. He basically told me the other teachers were plotting against me and I had to change or I would get into a lot of trouble. I didn't listen.
So they kicked me out and now I was lost.
During the weekends I started to hang out with my new friends. Most of the time we met online. We had a lot of fun posting messages on our message board. But we would also meet irl. We would travel across the country and meet at different train stations.
They would get really drunk. I would stay sober. Many of them were really outgoing. I think I basically sat there watch them get drunk, laugh about their jokes, and sometimes make one myself. If I wasn't there, I think they would have had just as much fun. But I was part of the group, so I was always invited.
The difference between me and my best friend became huge. He only came over to my place to play games online, because my parents had internet. I would try to talk to him about my new cool friends, or the things we would do or talk about. But he wasn't interested.
He would be there playing on my parent's computer before I would get home from school. One day, I was mad and turned off the computer. He left and we never talked again. We were friends for 6 years or so, playing together every day, from age 12 to 18.
There, I met a girl. Let's call her Laura. I had met her before and she had dated one of the guys from our group, which ended in a disaster/fight, creating tension. This was just after I was kicked out of college. Looking back at it, we were actually all meeting at Laura's ex's place, who was living in a university town. Looking back it seems odd she was there, at her ex's place so soon after breakup.
Now they all know I wasn't interested in romantic relationships. It came up, and I answered very sternly. It was odd to them and I liked pointing out that was an odd element of me. Laura knew that.
But that day we met she was very nice to me. She tried to awkwardly hug me several times, gave me compliments. No girl had ever done that to me and I lost the mean streak against girls I used to have.
Laura was kind of good looking. She was extremely social, talkative and outgoing. When people met for the first time, Laura would know if they had a connection before those two people would know.
I always felt like Laura could read my mind, which was very intimidating but interesting as well.
On the way back in the train I realized I was in love for the first time as an adult. It was a deeply unsettling experience. At that point I never thought I would have a romantic relationship. It wasn't even a fantasy. The girls I had liked as a kid, that was far far gone. Yes, I would masturbate, but that was pure lust. In fact, I felt back then and still feel like I had more libido than the average person. But I had to be in control. No alcohol. No intimate relationships. And release feelings of lust in total privacy.
So I was in love. In the type of love where you long for a deep emotional connection. It felt like my life had been in black-white and colour tv had suddenly be turned on. The context of everything changed. All songs, all movies, all dialogues on tv series between a male and a female, commercials where a male and a female wake up together, my perception about everything had changed. And in my mind I was torn. The emotional and intellectual were in deep conflict. But if she really liked me, I had to do something.
In my mind, if I would ever become romantically involved, we would be friends for months, maybe even years, first. Then move it into a romantic relationship.
But now I had to impress her and seduce her. But I didn't want to.
Still, I couldn't help myself. The feelings were too strong. I actually todl her over online chat immediately I had 'feelings of love'. Maybe she thinks I was being playful, while actually I was deeply torn and troubled.
I would talk with her online as often as I could, but I wouldn't initiate more often than she would. I would obsess over her every moment of the day. I was actually going to a new school now. Every time in between a lesson, I would walk around in the neighborhood, thinking about her. Convincing myself that she would like me. Instead of just going out there as an alpha, asking her for a date, I did it the meek passive way.
I got her to invite me instead. It wasn't a real date, in a sense. She lived in a new city and it was know people where allowed to come and meet her. I don't know who from out social circle besides me and a female friend of her's actually did.
I remember considering buying condoms. I mean, this was the first time I would meet at a girl's place. It was my responsibility. She lived alone in the big city. But I decided against it. So with that attitude I went there. I wanted to talk, meet her, have her express her feelings for me, and I would keep stoic.
So had to pick her up from the place she worked. Her boss talked to me while she got her stuff, telling me how nice she was and that he would know what to do if he had been my age. This disturbed me.
So when we walked out I told her "Your boss things we are on a date." That is how I set the tone. My intellect was still blocking my feelings.
When we arrived at her place and I sat down on her bed, very sternly and with a tense upright posture, she asked me if I was really comfortable sitting like that. If that was how I would sit if I was at home. So I showed her how I would sit if I she wouldn't be there. Then, I got back in my tensed up posture.
When I was with her, I can't say I felt the same passion of love as when I felt when I was obsessing over her. She wasn't able to break my sternness. She tried to get me to drink wine. But she always was considerate, telling me how she wouldn't force me. She was concerned and interested in how I didn't drink alcohol, wanted to stay celibate, about how much sports I did.
She made some silly moves. She would often lament that she had no sex life. She told me that night that she was considering calling her ex to ask him if he would be willing to have sex. I think that's a very odd thing to say in the middle of a pseudo-date.
So I stayed my stern self, gave her no compliments, showed no affection. Only intellectual interest in her, being polite and considerate, being funny. We discussed our lives, played magic the gathering.
When we undressed to sleep, me on the floor, I would always be awkward about being in underwear. To me, being in underwear and being naked was the same. Even when kids my age were too young to care about nudity, think being 5 years old or so, I was always self-conscious. So when me and Laura were undressing to sleep, she commented about my athletic body, and if I kept in shape to tease girls. That's the last move she made, I think.
I don't know if she ever really liked me. I admitted I had feelings and felt confused. I think others noticed and told her. She had extreme social intelligence, so she must have noticed. But, we lived 150 km apart, saw each other for 5 times or so during a year. She was really hot and cold at different times. I never told her the truth. She tried to get me to open up to her a few more times, though she showed disinterest at other moments.
I don't know if she was honestly interested, saw me as a social project, saw me as someone that needed help, or she used me to make her ex jealous, I don't know. She probably had no idea herself what she was doing. But it hit me deeply. One thing that is odd looking back on it all is that she never showed affection to me 1 on 1. She always made compliments, tried to hug or kiss me on the cheek, tried to touch me or lean against me or claim she would make me her boyfriend when others were around. Never when we were all alone. I think that if she had done that with no one else, I wouldn't have been so reactionary. But maybe she knew that.
During this time, when she had turned on colour in my life, I developed a passion for science and music. I wanted to abandon my IT career and become a musician/composer. If that failed, a scientist. Both huge challenges and something I had to accomplish by myself alone, without support.
At that moment I believed Laura had saved me. I was in the deepest crisis of my life, lost and kicked off college with no purpose.
When Laura announced to our friend group that she finally had boyfriend and that he lived across the Atlantic and that she would see him again in 6 months, that unsettled me. Let's call him Lucas. Why some guy on the other side of the world instead of me?
But I was happy for her. I felt pain, a lot of it, but 0 jealousy, which surprised me.
As she lived 150 km apart and we didn't really have a relationship, I barely saw her and only rarely talked to her. While I was obsessing over her, walking through the forest calling her name over and over, feeling the pail and desolation and confusion, she was going on with her life. Laura actually went and lived with Lucas for 6 months.
A few days before she would leave is actually one of the days where I would visit her. She lived alone in a big city and she was working two part-time jobs at the same time, as as a BSc grad she hadn't found a full-time job yet. She must have been lonely some days and wouldn't mind me being there once in a while.
I remember vividly that she was making a phone call with Lucas. She was really happy, laughing a lot. I realized then that I had never made that kind of impact on her.
The idea that I barely saw her was difficult enough, but that she was on the other side of the country made it worse. I would think about her every day. I would calculate what time of the day it would be for her. And, of course my intellect was still fighting against my emotions. I wasn't sure I was comfortable with being a person that seduces women.
After about 1.5 years, Laura's relationship with the foreigner ended. I didn't make a move. I don't remember how I felt when I heard this news. One of the few things I do not remember clearly. I think I felt bad because it meant it hadn't turned out to be true that she would be happier with Lucas than with me, which means I should have done more to make her happy.
I knew she was dating again. I didn't do anything. At one point we met and one of her friends made fun of her new relationship. She was having a sexual relationship with a married guy 10 years older. She was supposed to babysit their children, but she was having sex with the father. This gutted me, deeply. This was completely immoral to me, as he was married. I was very angry and could barely contain my emotions. I remember I called her later to criticize her, which she didn't like because all her (true) friends were doing the same.
I didn't eat properly for weeks. I cried for the first time as an adult.
I had written down about 100 dreams the last year that I had had about her. I took that booklet and let my tears flow over it.
At this point I had no purpose in life. I had goals that were far out of reach, and I wasn't accomplishing them. I was obsessive in love with a caricature of a girl that I didn't know I would ever meet again. It was obvious that the Laura in my mind was not a real person, not the real Laura.
Eventually she got a new proper boyfriend. She invited me over for a big party. I think I made an ok impression, but she never invited me again and I didn't push her. When she moved to a new place she told me she would invite me once her place was properly arranged. I didn't feel comfortable with a big group of her friends, and she agreed. All I wanted was to be with her 1 on 1. I was never invited.
For about 2 years, making 5 years in total, I must have obsessed about Laura, or rather my vision of Laura. All day I say at my parents room, behind my PC. I would walk through the forests or bicycle around the countryside, thinking about her. I would compose music or practice guitar, trying to build a repertoire for conservatory audition.
I would obsess over things other than her. Chess, science, poker, music, computer games, history, orchid breeding, writing a novel, anything that could saturate my intellect. I would have an obsession and be preoccupied with that and nothing else. I tried to practice math at home with the goal of studying biology. I was sure I would never want to work for a for-profit company as they were all evil.
I liked the most extremely refined and complex classical music and jazz, which ordinary people couldn't appreciate. I would feel deep deep emotions listening to it, but no one shared my opinion.
The online friend group I had made which Laura had been part of fell apart. She already was no longer a part of the group. I actually made a new friend during all evnets with Laura. Call him James. We had a lot in common. I talked about my love troubles with Laura. He also knew her. I would do the same for him. He was actually in a similar situation, liking another girl in the group. But he actually got in a relationship. We probably both were awkward nerds. But he had a girlfriend and was doing university. I was sitting at home.
I think I saw them both for the last time in 2006. We messaged each other a few times online and we would be concerned about what I was doing with my life. I tried to hide it, but I couldn't really lie. He told me to seek professional help. I didn't.
I was depressed, though I felt happy on day to day basis. But I wasn't doing anything with my life. I hadn't talked to Laura or James for years. I didn't have the confidence that I was actually able to enter university. I was looking for computer games and other obsessive hobbies to keep my mind preoccupied and keep in peace.
I was convinced that if all my family had died, I would probably commit suicide, but I felt positive about that.
During that time, my father was concerned with me. But in the same way his frustration with his wife had made her alcoholism worse, the same it had only negative effects on me. I live in a small town, but no one actually reaches out to you. No one cares. And if the do, they can't help. Some family members must have shown some concern, through mostly to my parents. When family visited, I would avoid them. I would actually avoid the women my parents had hired to clean the house. I would hide in my room until she left, every Wednesday. I talked with James once or twice during those years, and he showed concern. Both he and my father told me to seek professional help.
Of course I felt like I was going insane, but at the same time I was worried that I felt almost no loneliness. During that time I did become very close with my father. He is my only friend and I have a deep connection with him, though his behavior and personality has also been changing, both because of my mother's situation getting even worse than mine and the stress he has at work and the health issues he had to overcome.
I created intricate fantasy worlds in my mind, to distract me from thinking about my actual life. I filled 10 books with plot notes and story. All poorly written cheesy fantasy.
I was a young man in a rich country in the power of youth. Yet my life amounted to nothing. But society had nothing to offer me what would interest me. I am tall and athletic. I have nice clothes. I don't know if I am ugly or average or decent looking. I think if I had been really good looking, I would have realized. When people saw me back then, when I was outside buying food, they would probably look positive. But no one knew what amount of pain was in my mind. I would be polite, pay for the groceries, smile and leave. For years that was the only interaction with people other than my parents and brother that I had.
As a child my brother had been very different from me. We had had fun together, had had some closeness. But as we grew older we steadily grew apart. My brother was more popular and didn't like being associated with me. To me his life went automatic and that made me both envious. But his mundane life also angered me. I could never accept a mundane life. I rather not try to have a life at all than strive my best and have a mundane life.
This was my attitude to life as a whole, if you don't try to win at life, you can't be a loser. You can't lose in getting a career, can't lose in love. I just refused to compete in the cutthroat competitive world we live in. If I was going to compete, I would want to be top 20%. But it was too late for that, as my life had been going to wrong way all my youth to be among the 20% successful. I wasn't going to spend any energy in trying to not be the bottom 50%.
Then one day when I was 28 in 2012 I got a birth card from Laura. That hit me hard. I send her a congratulatory card, but never contacted her. At least someone out there was thinking about me. How did she get my address? I don't know to this day, as she never knew. But life was passing on, while I had been in a cloud of unfelt depression, apathy and lack of purpose., the result of losing my local friends, not finding belonging, not having a road to education, and my crushed feelings for Laura.
I felt true depression and emptiness all the sudden. I couldn't swallow food. I realized how pathetic my situation had become and realized I needed change.
I actually remember lying shivering in my bed with tons of stress for days. I was looking for ways out. The main concern was how my life would have to go on without my father. And I suddenly felt a need to belong somewhere.
Then one night something strange happened. My father is volunteer at a soccer club. I decided I could be a volunteer there and then I would at least be part of something. Something literally snapped in my head and suddenly 80% of the stress as gone.
So this is what I decided to do. I was going out into the world again, using my father's connections, and talk with strangers. I became a youth supervisor of a young soccer team. I also started adult education. I had studied math and physics on and off to keep myself busy, but I had never dared to apply for an exam, too afraid I would fail; next year I told myself each year for 7 years or so.
But now I had to live up to the fact that I would probably never enter university. What about getting a normal job? Work at some company doing a mundane job. It's that or being pathetic as I was, living only in my own dream world.
So I also enlisted in adult education to catch up on the education to go into mid tier college and get a BSc.
I felt very humiliated. I had to sit with 17 year olds who had failed their exam. I felt no connection with them. I was the best student, knew most of the material by heart. But I didn't have the exam I needed.
Working with children was awkward too. My team had the best soccer players of the club. I knew I would radiate very little authority. They didn't listen to me. It wasn't that bad, but it was obvious. I was very self-conscious about how much damage I had suffered. I was already a strange person, but now on top of that I had 4 years of obsessive failed love and rejection, 6 years or so of self-isolation.
I moved to college next, studying biological science. Still, I was 12 year older than most. Looking back on it it was probably awkward for them. I was part of a group that was very close, all 20 or so in our group, and then there was me. We had to criticize each other's personal skills. They called me arrogant, insecure and aloof, hoping that I would intermingle more and try to be part of the group. I remember sitting at a table in-between class for a hour or so, listening to their conversations, not saying anything.
Not only was it hard to make small talk, I also realized I had lost spontaneity. I was extremely stoic. I couldn't say anything without thinking about it first. I used to be a clown and used to be talkative as a kid. But it was also the age gap. When you are 18, saying random things is fun. It wasn't to me. But I remember a time where it was.
I hadn't really lived after I felt in love at age 19. I barely had any fun during those years. And now I was 29, in a sense unable too have fun.
The 10 best year's of someone's life; just stolen from me.
During this time I started to exercise again. As heart disease is in my family, I actually became very stressed out about this. I couldn't run at an intense pace anymore without getting panic attacks. Why? I would be convinced that something was really wrong with my heart. Why else would I get panic attacks? This was one more thing very hard to get rid off.
Still, I got amazing marks. I had to do some hard exams on my own and I would be admitted to university. So I switched to physics in university at age 31, planning to get a PhD.
I felt like I was given someone else's life, a life in shambles, but I am a person with talent. I would finish my education at age 39. But at least I had fun and proved every teacher that gave up on me wrong.
I knew I had to be different socially in university. I tried, and failed. While I don't look very old, the very first day I told someone I was 31, not 24 like they would guess. The distance I felt between them and me, they felt now as well. And worse. I remember when you are 19, anyone over 30 is very old. You just come out of the age where someone 2 years older is a generation older.
I also realized more and more that during my 30 years, I never naturally made eye contact. I have to deliberately think about it and do it.
At university they also make recordings of your presentations. Then it hit me that all my fast eye and head movements I like to make, look extremely awkward.
Are people just put off by my body language?
All my youth people that were strangers always disliked me, until they knew me better. People have said that I have a stare that makes them think I am doing drugs. Things like that. It all comes back.
In my own fantasy world, I am an impressive person with a lot of confidence. But sometimes I get extremely awkward, at other times I do feel in my element.
As in the first year in college, in university I couldn't get myself loosen up. I missed the introductory week. I had some classes with second year students rather than my own year's students. I had all the good intentions, but when it started, I focused on studying and avoiding people. I would sit alone or go to the library during lunch breaks, have the minimum amount of conversations with my fellow students
I also realized I am very bad at recognizing faces. There are 60 people that share all my classes and are the same year as I am.
The first few weeks, if I saw someone from my study and year, I wouldn't be confident that I would recognize them. So I wouldn't greet them.
That I didn't live in the university town for the first few months also didn't help.
I lost myself in the difficult subjects, tried to get the best marks possible, and left for my parents place as soon as possible.
When someone tried to make small talk with me, I think it was awkward for them.
I had also forgotten about one important thing. Student life. University has actual student life. Clubs, fraternities. Most of my fellow students made dozens of friends outside their study. In fact, these people I am working with are all very smart and social. I can get top grades, but I have to work hard. They can party, look at their phone, think about the actual fun things they are going to do when class is over, and get passing or good marks.
When I see two 19 year old girls, super smart, chat all day with each other, having become BBF's, it breaks me inside.
How my brain works is so different. These people were just kids a few years ago. They are growing so much as persons. Some of them know 100's of new people. They don't even go back to their parents during weekends. I feel university town, go to my room and I surf the net or program C++ and socialize with my parents, who are fighting constantly.
I am polite with them. Some are cold but polite to me. Some are nicer. I need people that pull me into their group. But no 20 year old is going to make an effort to be inclusive towards a 32 year old. Some may thing I am married with kids. I don't know how they perceive me. I lied to them about my earlier career. It took my a year to get to know all 60 of them, and to loosen up a tiny bit. Sometimes, I still am awkward. Sometimes, I think I am like you would expect a 32 yo person to be.
I have no clue how they perceive me. Do they perceive me as odds because I am odd? Or because I am 10 years older than most, or both?
During one conversation with a girl I sometimes have lunch with she told she broke up with her boyfriend. I of course showed empathy. I think I did that well. She explained it was a long distance relation. So I told her that I know how stressful a long distance relation can be, referring to Laura.
But she misheard and ask me 'You never had a relation before'? It's like she can look through my soul, judge me, and be sure I never had a relationship. Is that a coincidence.
I feel dirty to admit I have had sexual fantasies about almost every girl out of the 60 people that share the same classes. It is just lust. Yes, they are too young. Then again, no girl my age would date me But I rather fantasize about average looking girls I know than good looking strangers.
One girl is above average looking, but not that much. Though she does have a really distinct look.Let's call her Rachel.
I saw her in one of the first classes. She seemed like a blond airhead girl. Discovered makeup and being feminine, and is still exploring that. We are in a hard science programme. I realized she may be one of the first people to drop out, as she didn't seem the nerdy type.
In the first conversation we had she called me 'really smart' because I had signed up for two classes at once. I didn't get her name for weeks.
We were put in the same group work project months later. There somehow she got my age. Maybe because our student numbers start with our birth year. She was very surprised, said she would have guessed 23 max.
Rachel and the other guy in our group had very good teamwork. At the end of the course, we didn't have to communicate anymore. We got a A+ for our report.
Two things stuck out to me. She was so blonde and pale skinned, you can see all the veins in her forehead very distinctly. Is that attractive? It looks a bit odd? And while too short for me, her figure is very feminine.
But most of what I got from her is that we had good teamwork. I didn't make a personal connection with her. Too preoccupied with the coursework. Other people chat while they carry out the group-work non-stop. I just talk about the subject. People who have made friends out of each other, they chat all day about nothing, laughing every minute. And they get the work done.
We actually leave the campus together after group work and she asks me what I do in my spare time. I panic. Most people are members of several clubs, hang out with people. Some are also probably lonely. So I freeze for a moment, then awkwardly answer her that I either study or go home, implying that I go to my parents, or my wife if she thing that is why is waiting for me at my true home.
I realize I messed up. I lost my poker face and let my true weak self shine through.
At that point I no longer had to commute. I was living in the university town now. I have my own room, own shower, own kitchen. I don't have to meet anyone. I like that. I go to university in the morning, do my course. During breaks I am usually silent while everyone chats. Sometimes, someone sits down next to me. Rarely they small talk. Sometimes, I try to include myself in someone else's conversation. Much easier to do a 1 on 1 conversation. I also feel I have not a whole lot to talk about, as all I do is study. I don't party, do crazy things with friends, have adventures, like most 18-20 year old's have. I rather talk politics or science.
During lunch breaks I sit with different people always. I don't feel attracted to certain people more than to others. I try to find the popular ones. The ones that are social and that get good marks.
So we get a quantum mechanics class. I studied QM on my own on youtube during my 6 years self-exile. I know most of the material. So I can impress the teacher and my fellow students(I still think they care, but they don't).
It turns out Rachel has a brilliant mind. She can see things right away. Waves, rotations in the imaginary plane. The girl with the wild blonde hair, the makeup and the blue veins running very visible in her forehead, she comes up with the De Broglie–Bohm theory pilot wave interpretation on the spot, as the lecturer explains particle-wave duality. That's absolutely genius. And she is just some girly girl. I mean, there's nerd girls and they don't have her mind.
So me and her, we debate together with the lecturer. I already know the answer, to what the lecturer is leading into.
So Rachel starts chatting with me after class. I don't think we talked again after our group work. We argue the whole time about QM as we leave university to do our shopping. She is the only girl at all of university that had the guts to just walk up to me and talk. Usually, the guys do it, then the girls associated with them do.
She knows I am 32. She doesn't care.
I think she is fun and really smart. But I often don't see her during breaks. She also seems a bit of a loner. I later learn she rather hangs out with people outside of our education programme. But I don't do anything. I only like her a bit. I am concerned about acing the QM class. I forgot about making friends. All I try to do is not lose my composure when I do have to do small talk.
When marks are published, I check all marks of every student, all 60 or so. I know what most of the marks of most of the people are. Maybe more people do this. But is this normal? I do it. Rachel has top marks in almost everything.
The second year we have more QM. One day it is rainy. She has her blonde curls hanging out as she enters class. For a second I am memorized looking at her. I make small talk about the rain and the way her hair looks when wet. She sits down next to me, I think the first time any girl ever sits down next to me after 1 year of education. I tell her her hair always looks nice, even today despite the rain. A rare moment of spontaneously that surprises me.
She doesn't say anything, but looks at her phone. I assume wrongly she is looking at how her hair looks using her phone and tell her it is not that bad. She has big hair with a lot of curls. She probably has to wash her hair every morning, then let it dry in a towel. I think her curls are fake. So she is very conscious about her looks.
When she says nothing and I realize I am talking far too long about her hair, I fumble some words, showing weakness.
We don't talk again about anything all lecture. During the break, I look in my course manual, she in her phone. Opportunity for small talk lost.
Next lecture she sits down next to someone else, chatting and laughing a whole lot.
But she is nice. She is like the perfect daughter. She has the best handwriting ever. She always smiles. She is pretty, but likely to make ugly faces. Her notes are so neat. She has one of the best hip to waist ratios ever.
She is so impressive. I think it is at this moment I start to google her online. I discover she was also almost an elite endurance athlete. I like endurance sports too.
At this point, you may realize where this is going. I like her sure. But I don't think much of it. I do hope she sits down next to me. I want her to pick me. So each class I try to time myself and position myself to maximize the odds of her sitting down next to me. Sadly, she doesn't show up a whole lot anymore. This is the second year and apparently she lost interest in scoring high marks.
She is so super smart, she can never show up at a thermodynamics course that almost everyone struggles at, and pass while other really smart students work hand for weeks and fail.
Turns out Rachel is busy organizing a symposium. I of course attend it, probably just because of her. But I am not sure.
Then, we get to do the same experiment in lab. So I try to work together, and she is interested in my results. At some point we have to operate some complicated machine and she leaves the lab to look at the manual on her phone. Also confused about how to operate the machine, I find her and I squat down next to her. I don't know why I did that. I didn't think about that. But being so close to her during that moment, something changed in my brain. Yes, she is super smart, nice, impressive and attractive. But from this point I am in love.
I realize at that point that all I want is to work with her on some project again, experience her amazing insights but also her looks and hopefully warmth of personality.
There is this prestigious project competition I have been eying to enter ever since first year. I need to fill my CV gap somehow with academic achievements. In my mind I am going to join, and she will too, and we will teamwork together better than ever, and actually get a personal connection. We will be the only two people that already know, and kind of like, each other. And that will only get better as we impress each other and win the competition.
I want to casually mention it. But I don't see her in class.
When I realize I am truly in love again, and this time with a girl 13 younger than me, I get confused. Last time I failed to seduce Laura. Now, I am to not make the same mistake by seducing Rachel? I can at least try to flirt, maybe? But to what end.
I attend an event of our study association, basically only because of her. At that point I realize I feel nothing about any of the other people I have met. I don't care for them at all. They reach out to me. I am polite. They feel a need for social interaction. I feel nothing. Only the pressure to not be impolite.
Except for Rachel. All the need for social interactions normal people feel and I think I don't have at all, I suddenly feel for Rachel. I can't masturbate for 2 weeks. I feel so bad and disturbed, I actually decide not to enter that competitive project.
I go home early to my parent's hometown, feeling deeply disturbed and broken. I don't go to the meeting for the competitive project. I decide to do that next year.
When I am home, I feel terrible. Rachel was a mirror for me. All ideas about becoming a more social person, that all failed. I forgot them, got lazy, stopped caring, lost myself in the intellectual challenge. All I long for is for Rachel, which is stupid. I barely know her. Yes, she is smart, but there are other equally smart girls. Yes, she is pretty. But some are prettier. Yes, she was nice, but so where a few other girls. Yet I have feelings for her? Why? Every time I see a date of an event in the past, I calculate how old she was at that time. I imagine her friends and family respond to her having a boyfriend 13 years older. All pointless, as it will never happen. But that is what I do. Rachel is the only one that can let me feel social warmth, ever since Laura had been able to do that. Equally worse, I imagine Rachel, or any potential date I might have, ask me about when they can meet my friends. I have no friends. Only good collegiate relationships with all my fellow students. When we graduate, I will never talk to anyone of them again. And neither will they to me.
I imagine myself calling Laura and explaining my life now. She has 2 or 3 children. What would she guess my life would be like right now? How disappointed would she be if she knew? I imagine her and Rachel talking. She knows I was a little troubled. Now look at me now. I am completely broken. I cried. I actually called a psychiatrist, because I have no fuckinging idea. I feel so mentally disturbed. He gives me some nonsense story about how he can't help and about how expensive it is, bla bla.
I slowly put myself together over the next couple of weeks.
I realize I again need to try to be socially active. I decide I have to try to use Rachel as a catalyist, as positive energy to change my life. I join two sports clubs. I become active in the student association. At one of these events I see her and ask her if she will join the board. She says; no. Then, to my horror, she tells me she joined that competitive project I had been eying all that time. The one I had been fantasizing about, closing the gap between us. That event that would be the only way to become closer to her. That event I didn't enter because I was so devastated by my feelings for her. Out of all 60 students, she was actually the only person to get in. I could have been in that project with her, if I didn't feel so disturbed during that weekend I fled to my parents and cried and called professional help. What a mindfuck. I don't know if she read anything off my face when she told me that. She must have seen something. I couldn't sleep at all that night or the next. "mindfucked, that is all what was being repeated in my mind, over and over.
Of course, I was kidding myself. If I had shown up almost broken over my feelings for her, and more importantly over my inability to feel any emotions about people other than my father, her and Laura, that would probably have been worse. And of course we would never have gotten the connection I longed if we had joined up doing that project together.
And how impressive is she really. There are a lot of blanks about her personality for me. I actually know now she has a boyfriend. Not that it matters. Though it reminds me of the jealousy I once felt concerning Laura.
I could only do one thing, lose myself again in the intellectual challenge. But I get more and more worried about my future. In 3 years I graduate, move to a new town and do a PhD. Do I make friends then? Then postdoc in some other town in a foreign likely most likely. I am 32 and each weekend I 'flee' to my parents home, where I am hurt to see them fighting and see the wreck my mother has become. And I want to live in a new city in a new country till the age of 50? Then, hopefully get a permanent job? Then end up in an elderly home, with no close family?
My whole youth I have loathed professional life, and now it is all I have.
I actually stop going to the sports events of my clubs. I barely recognize the faces of the people I meet, can't remember their names. I am not getting much out of it. I tried, but not hard enough apparently. I didn't get out of it what I hoped. I rather work out alone, go to my parent's place early or study or rest after the busy study schedule.
I still notice it every time when she enters the lecture hall or class room. I wonder if she notices I notice. Possibly. She is a genius with strong social skills.
I decided to be cold and stern with Rachel. I try to interact a lot with her, once she gets close. I know she likes to get tea or coffee during lecture break. So Last week when I saw her leave I decided to go to the coffee machine. She wasn't there. There was a 6 person queue. I line up. Then I see Rachel arrive. She doesn't realize there is a queue and skips it. I sternly tell her, "Rachel, you can queue up here." She turns around and faces me, sticks out her tongue at me and lines up behind me. I try to find common ground again, after admonishing her, telling her I also almost skipped the queue. Next, I am silent and ignore her. Then, she compliments me on my shirt. I started wearing fancy shirts 2 years ago. I don't know why. Sometimes I get a compliment, but it doesn't do much for me. I think I hope it covers up who I actually am. She also dresses nice, so I wear nice shirts more often when I know I am likely to run into her. I had a line prepared: "Usually it is only males that lsay they ike this shirt, never any females." I think the shirt looks a bit clownish. It is Italian design. I would never dare to wear something like that 10 years ago, but now I act like a poser. And she complimented me for it. That rehearsed line comes out very bad, btw. I think I said it wrong, but don't remember.
What I always do wrong and forget about is to read body language. I need to remind myself to do it. I need to know I need to look how her expression is going to change before I say what I said. But I don't. I don't know how she responded. I think I looked away or at her shirt, trying to find something to say.
We collect our tea, I make a silly remark about the tea. Then we just stand there. She waits for me to be an interesting person. When I prove to her I am not, she leaves me. I finish my tea and realize my heart rate is up. This tiny young girl just steam rolled me.
I have a tunnel vision about Rachel, like I had for years with Laura.
Sure, she is amazing. But what do I have to offer. She must have met 100 new males at the university the last 2 years with who she has a more profound connection that with me. She must find me amusing or curious in some ways, and she likely respects my politeness, intellectual ability. Not so sure about me trying to challenge her, be a fake alpha, and her eating me raw. Though, she may not think that far into it.
All this again proves to me something is wrong with me. I don't know what and I don't see progress. Once I enter professional life making friends will be much more difficult. But I need to make male friends. Not girlfriends. A 20 year old only makes 1 or 2 friends for life in college, and they aren't likely to pick that odd 32 year old guy out of all people available.
There are no males with who I feel a real connection. And the more I observe my fellow students, the more obvious it becomes that there is a double gap; age and social ability.
I doubt anyone is still reading this. I just wanted to write down all my thoughts. I am considering talking to the university counselor. If something is really wrong with me then it is Asperger or worse schizoid PD. Both incurable. And for both treatment is difficult, both for me and for whoever is going to be the psychologist. How many sessions will it take for me to tell them everything I wrote down just now? And then they will come up with exercises like talking with strangers and making friends. Once the distress disappears, the motivation to move out of my comfort zone will also be gone and I will feel more happy being alone.
All I can hope for in my life it seems is to finish a PhD and some postdocs and hopefully contribute something useful. Then I take care of my father in old age, as I owe him. What happens after that, no idea.
The odds of getting a permanent position where I can intellectually engage and do meaningful societal work at the same time at the PhD level is very small even without my 13 year age gap and talk of a need to interact personally.
In a sense have come a long way. But it wasn't become any less painful. Today I realize I am at the peak of my intellectual and physical abilities. My body will slowly degrade. I will probably improve my 5k time one or twice more if I train hard. My 6 pack is already going. I am probably 2 pounds in muscle lighter and 4 pounds in fat higher. I am doing the most difficult courses of my degree right now. Soon, my life has reached it's highest point and things are going to go downhill.
As for Rachel, I will share classes with her until summer. Maybe I can have one meaningful chat with her. I know all her hobbies, but she never told me about any of them. Maybe she will ask mine.
Then, she will go overseas, we will do our thesis. She actually share the same interests so maybe we will have a grad course or two together.
What hurts the worst is how all social needs I feel are either off, or all focused on one person. I forget normal people need social interactions to survive. Yet I fall in love with a girl just because she is somewhat attractive, agreeable but apparently more importantly shows me a little affection. It is actually better to feel nothing, always. The intense loneliness that cannot possibly be satisfied is the worst of all feelings. It instantly causes depressions and anxieties about everything else in life you have doubts about.
Say she was single, say she was interested. Say I learned my lessons from Laura. I think my intellect would reject her if she is younger than 24. I would be so ashamed to have a girlfriend so much younger. I wouldn't feel comfortable holding hands with her in the streets. If she is 30 and I am 43, maybe.
So even if that what my emotional self desires became available, as with Laura, my intellectual side would again sabotage it.
Sometimes I feel like contacting Laura. But I feel she thought so much more of me back then than what I am now. I bet she thinks I turned out fine. If she ever learns how much damage she did, how will she feel about it?
What did I truly learn in that decade?
Say, I fall in love every decade. What about 10 years from now. What will I have learned from Laura or from Rachel that would help me?