I just don’t think people think when they open their mouths about adoption. I’m pretty sure that because I live in my own version of peace, that people assume they can trample all over me with their words and that it’s okay. It’s not okay.
Yesterday, right before I left the Munchkin’s house after a quick in-and-out visit, I posted a photo of the Munchkin kissing my cheek. I captioned it on instagram, “Love. #openadoption”
Fast forward about 20 minutes. I’m sitting in stopped traffic as I made the brainiac decision to leave during rush hour. My phone dings that someone has tweeted. I’m not moving, so I pick up my phone. And I rolled my eyes so hard they fell out of my head, thus we are still sitting alongside the road seven hours from home. Okay, not that hard. But pretty hard.
Text: @FireMom she is beautiful. I have seen open #adoption work well and have seen it fall apart too. Glad it works for your daughter.
Traffic finally started to move (Septa trains stopped me twice more!) and I didn’t get to reply until I got home, got the boys in bed, smiled at the note my husband left me, brushed my teeth and hopped in bed. I had seven hours of a drive to think about why this person felt this particular reply was necessary. So I asked:
Do you say, “Most marriages fail,” when someone shares a wedding pic?
Because that’s essentially what this woman did to me. It’s not like I tweeted, “OMG! #openadoption is the best thing ever and it’s the only way to go and everyone should be doing it our way! It’s all rainbows and butterflies and omg! YAY!” No. I didn’t tweet that because I don’t believe that. I have been honest over the years that open adoption is hard, hard work for all parties involved. It is not for the light-hearted or thin-skinned. The only reason ours works is because Dee and I are both determined to make the best choices, in our own personal families and together, for the Munchkin.
So, if I had shared this photo:
Would people feel inclined to say something like, “Most marriages end in divorce, but I’m glad it works for you guys!”
Or how about this photo:
Does it make you want to tell me that most friendships, over time, end — due to distance or growth and change or misunderstandings or what have you?
We’re able to see how telling newlyweds — or any people in love sharing a photo of said love — that marriage, unions, partnerships or relationships have a high rate of failure is unnecessary. It’s rude. I’m not talking about when these people ask for opinions or are having conversations about the ups and downs of those relationships. These conversations need to be had — at appropriated times. Instead, I’m just talking about when they share their happiness. We all know that some marriages end, that not every couple makes it to the end of life together, holding hands as they pass on to whatever waits next, so pointing it out simply isn’t necessary. We all know friendships end, so it’s also not necessary to say every time someone shares something about friendship.
So why is it necessary to point out that some open adoptions crash and burn on a photo?
Why, when I’m leaving my daughter behind and I’m raw and hurting and sharing my heart, is it necessary to pour salt in the wound of my loss?
Why not just a, “Hope you had a good time.” Or, “She’s beautiful.” Or, “Safe travels home.” Or… nothing.
It’s not as if I was discussing statistics, rates of failure, adoptive parents who disappear without a trace, birth parents who can’t get past their own grief and loss to be there for their relinquished children, an adoption industry that supports neither adoptive parents nor birth parents and certainly not the adoptee, media that portrays us all as idiots, laws that keep families apart rather than bring them together or even how we manage to keep our open adoption afloat. I just. shared. a. photo.
I get it. I put it out there, I should be open to criticism. But here’s the question: Why is a photo of a birth mother and her daughter something to criticize — more than a photo of two friends, more than a photo of two lovers, more than a photo of a flower. Because, you know, all flowers die — so why enjoy their beauty while they are alive?
Truth: Some open adoptions fail.
Truth: All people die.
Therefore, let’s just quit trying to have real, meaningful open adoption relationships or even relationships in general. Let’s be rude and nasty and unsupportive and discouraging to the general public. Let’s tear other people down, even if they’re already hurting. Let’s make sure we spout our opinion to every John and Jane Doe, because we have an opinion and the right to share it whenever and wherever we want! There’s no inappropriate time to share or say something! It’s fair game! Having a hard day? Under the bus you go!
It’s disheartening. The person then argued with me that she holds support meetings for adoptive parents so she understands … which is kind of like saying “I have gay friends, so I’m not homophobic.” And that she was “sorry I felt that way” when I told her it was rude, unsupportive and unnecessary. That’s psychological speak for, “I’m not sorry, I’m just sorry you’re upset.” Dee and I discussed that line as a parenting technique all week, so I was deeply amused when it was thrown at me.
I don’t know why it continues to boggle my mind that people are continuously rude to participants in open adoption. It really shouldn’t as it happens all the time. Just add this exchange to my own personal list of things not to say to a birth mother (written by Danielle). My list now includes: “Open adoptions fail, but I’m glad it works for you.” If that’s what you’re thinking when you look at a photo of my daughter kissing me, I’m sad that your world view is that cynical and negative. If you can’t see the beauty — and the hard work through the pain — in front of your face by watching my family, then simply look away.
Lovely Photo of Open Adoption, But Did You Know Those Fail?! is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.