Each week, just like with football, we’ll bring you the AP’s college basketball rankings along with serious, measured, professional analysis. Let’s get to Week 1!
1. Kentucky (28)
The Wildcats opened the season with wins over UNC-Asheville and Northern Kentucky. With 6 of the top 15 prospects in the country, Kentucky has the best recruiting class since Florence in the Renaissance.
2. Michigan State (22)
The Spartans opened their season with a win over McNeese State. In fact, they played like they were shot out of a cannon.
3. Louisville (12)
The Cardinals opened the season with a win over the College of Charleston. Even better, Kevin Ware beat Kobe Bryant.
4. Duke (3)
The Blue Devils opened the season with a win over Davidson. It was the college debut of Jabari Parker, who has, perhaps thankfully, not yet been dubbed the Mormon Jordan.
5. Kansas
The Jayhawks opened the season with a win over Louisiana-Monroe. If this season goes well, Andrew Wiggins will be taken first overall and then sent to the asteroid belt to learn from Michael Jordan.
6. Arizona
The Wildcats opened the season with a win over Cal Poly. The players from these teams share many similarities, in that they play basketball, are human, and can respond to stimuli.
7. Michigan
The Wolverines opened the season with a win over Umass-Lowell, a hockey school that does not play basketball. The game was played on ice.
8. Oklahoma State
The Cowboys opened the season with a win over Mississippi Valley State, Jerry Rice’s alma mater. He was not in any way involved with this game.
8. Syracuse
The Orange opened their season with a win over Cornell. The Orange once again begin their agoraphobic schedule, not playing a true road game outside New York state until January.
10. Ohio State
The Buckeyes opened their season with a win over Morgan State. The team is once again guided by Aaron Craft, who has six years of eligibility left.
11. Florida
The Gators opened the season with a win over North Florida. This is because, with football no longer possible, they want to win the Florida Cup in basketball.
12. North Carolina
The Tar Heels opened the season with a win over Oakland. We’ve given Oakland University too much leeway, they should clarify that they’re from Michigan.
13. Memphis
The Tigers have not played yet. They will start when they want to start. Do you even comprehend the pressures a basketball team in the AAC has to face?
14. VCU
The Rams opened the season with a win over Illinois State. I can only hope that one day they will be secure enough in their own identity to stop constantly reminding us that Virginia is a Commonwealth and not “just” a state.
15. Gonzaga
The Bulldogs opened the season with a win over Bryant. Why did Gonzaga have to summon a patsy from across the entire continent?
16. Wichita State
The Shockers opened the season with a win over Emporia State, Gotham’s premier research university.
17. Marquette
The Golden Eagles opened the season with a win over “Southern University,” a euphemism so we wouldn’t know they were messing around with a loose institution like Elon or Furman.
18. Oregon
The Ducks opened the season with a win over Georgetown on a U.S. army base in South Korea. This was despite sophomores Ben Carter and Dominic Artis sitting out (DNP – shoe sales).
19. Connecticut
The Huskies opened the season with a win over Maryland, a real team. Meanwhile, this is the first season Connecticut is stuck in the AAC. Not even the Bundesliga will take them.
20. Wisconsin
The Badgers opened the season with a win over St. Johns, because that was the least exciting choice available. In fact, the most interesting thing about this game is that it was played in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
21. Notre Dame
The Fighting Irish opened the season with wins over Miami (OH) and Stetson. This is the first game for the Irish as an ACC team, but their membership in the conference won’t be official until they finish building a canal from Indiana to the Atlantic coast.
22. New Mexico
The Lobos opened the season with a win over Alabama A&M, the nation’s #3 A&M.
23. Baylor
The Bears opened their season with a win over Colorado, their former conference rival, which seems sentimental but probably isn’t.
24. UCLA
The Bruins opened the season with a win over Drexel, because Hollywood is as tough for Dragons as it is for anyone else.
25. Virginia
The Cavaliers opened the season with over James Madison, making this the week’s most presidential game.
Also receiving votes: Kevin Ware, the Toilet Paper Game, a head-above-the-rim dunk, harrying Harries, HOLY SHIT, Allen Huddleston, dunking the rim off, this nonsense from Dayton, 73 fouls!
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