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Have you ever found yourself watching a sporting event or a simulcast radio talk show and thought, "Gee, I bet me and (insert television personality) would make a good couple." Well now you're in luck. We've developed a fool-proof, ultra-accurate quiz to determine which member of the sports media world you were meant for. Awesome, right? Hey, you can't spell "passionate" without E-S-P-N.
Between Michelle Beadle, Bill Simmons, Cari Champion, Stephen A. Smith, Skip Bayless, Charissa Thompson, Erin Andrews, Mike Francesa, Katie Nolan, Keith Olbermann, Linda Cohn, Scott Van Pelt, Ryen Russillo, Rachel Nichols and, of course, Colin Cowherd -- find out who the cosmos have picked to be your sports media soulmate!
QUESTION 01
You're flipping through the channels and you come across wrestling -- what do you do?
Try to convince whoever you're with that's not weird for adults to watch wrestling
Leave it on regardless of what anyone thinks
Look for something more sophisticated
Continue looking for reruns of The Mike Francesa Show
QUESTION 02
What do you do during a rain delay?
Go home and binge watching 30 For 30s
Wait it out
Get drunk and figure it out from there
Prank call sports talk radio shows
Run to my car and flip on WFAN
QUESTION 03
Quick! The Kiss Cam has you in its sights -- what do you do?
Ignore it
A little smoochy smooch -- just to keep the crowd from booing
Pretend to have sex for comedic effect
Actually have sex for erotic effect
Depends on whether I'm sitting next to one Michael Patrick Francesa Jr.
QUESTION 04
Sex?
Of course
Not until marriage
Scares the shit out of me
Ew, not with Mike Francesa
Mike Francesa can have whatever he wants
QUESTION 05
Refs make mistakes, teammates underperform and fans act like assholes sometimes. Where is the line when it comes to confrontations?
Disagreements keep things interesting, so long as you make up afterwards
Drama is stupid -- just move on
Every once and awhile a good screaming match is ok but you shouldn't seek them out
Don't get angry -- get even
Let me put it like this -- if some mongo wants to wait on the phone for two hours to embarrass himself on air, I won't stop him
QUESTION 06
Baseball: 'sup with that?
What do you mean? It's awesome
Borrrrrrinnnnnnnng
Going to games is fun because you can hangout and drink but I'm not tuning in every night
I like more progressive sports that actually listen to the fans
Whichever answer will yield "Mike Francesa" at the end of this quiz
QUESTION 07
Hockey: 'sup with that?
The playoffs are fun but the rest of the season doesn't do it for me
I'm not into sports played almost exlcusively by middle/upper-middle class white people, thank you
Violence much? Hockey is for psychos
It's the most exciting sport on Earth
If Mike's not taking calls about hockey, I'm not taking calls about hockey, capece?
QUESTION 08
Soccer: 'sup with that?
Oh, you mean that pretentious snoozefest played by European dancey boys? Ya, no
It truly is the perfect game
I've been trying to get into soccer, I just don't know much about it
People who don't like soccer = stereotypical dumb Americans
Ooh ooh, does Mike Francesa play soccer? If so, put me down for "YES I LOVE SOCCER"
QUESTION 09
Should the NFL continue amending the rules to make the game safer?
Hell no -- if anything they should implement changes to make the game MORE violent
Absolutely -- it's killing people
No -- they've done just enough to make the game safer
Hi Mike, me again
QUESTION 10
Which one of these professional athletes would best describe your personality?
Tom Brady
Marshawn Lynch
Ronda Rousey
Nick Young
Steve Nash
Grant Hill
Mike Francesa
CONGRATS!
The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Michelle Beadle
PROS: Fun, upbeat, grounded, wise, concerned -- Beadle has been queen of the girlfriends since 2009. Congrats!
CONS: Everyone will hate your forever.
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Katie Nolan
PROS: Hilarious, honest, sassy, unapologetic, smoking' hot -- Katie Nolan will make sure there's never have a dull moment. Congrats!
CONS: She will not hesitate to donkey kick you in your sleep if your start getting wise.
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Linda Cohn
PROS: Dignified, sensual, empathetic, smart, measured -- it seems impossible to piss this woman off. Congrats!
CONS: Good luck if you're not a Rangers fan...
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Cari Champion
PROS: -- anyone who can calmly sit mediate discussing between Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith is a saint. Congrats!
CONS: You will be expected to go to the First Take Christmas party.
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Charissa Thompson
PROS: Hip, affable, sweet, charming, capable of performing stunning acts of flexibility on live television -- Charissa Thompson is the complete package. Congrats!
CONS: She texts her ex whenever she has car trouble.
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Erin Andrews
PROS: Rich, famous, demonstrative, obscenely hot -- you'll never have to make a decision ever again because she calls the shots. Congrats!
CONS: Hope you don't mind getting phone calls every night with some weirdo just breathing heavily on the other end.
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Mike Francesa
PROS: Rich, owns a race horse, has a great voice -- Mike Francesa sleeps a lot so you'll have plenty of time to do whatever the hell you want, which may include riding that horse. Congrats!
CONS: You can never utter the words "Jason Giambi" ever again.
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Keith Olbermann
PROS: Sophisticated, intelligent, well-read, well-dressed -- dating Keith Olbermann will make you look smart. Congrats!
CONS: Dating Keith Olbermann will make you feel smart.
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Scott Van Pelt
PROS: Reasonable, fun, level-headed, smart, athletic -- SVP will make you feel like the center of the universe. Congrats!
CONS: He'll probably leave you after six years for some job in Los Angeles.
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Colin Cowherd
PROS: Savvy, funny, rich, pragmatic, handsome -- Colin Cowherd is the complete package. Congrats!
CONS: Cowherd.
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Ryen Russillo
PROS: Cool, calm, collected, jacked -- Ryen Russillo is a real catch. Congrats!
CONS: Dude dresses like the blackjack dealer at a fraternity casino night.
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Bill Simmons
PROS: Rich, clever, creative, has a full head of hair -- you and Bill Simmons can sit around making obscure references for hours and hours and hours... Congrats!
CONS: Doesn't work well with others.
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Stephen A. Smith
PROS: Smooth, popular, influential -- you'll never have trouble getting into anywhere on Earth again because Stephen A. Smith is close personal friends with over six billion people. Congrats!
CONS: With all those friends, how will he make time for you?
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The Sports Media Member Matchmaker Quiz
Skip Bayless
PROS: Rich, not in jail, presumably human -- Skip's experience defending ridiculous opinions means he should be able to see your side in an argument.
CONS: His diet consists entirely of chicken and broccoli. Do with that information what you will.