The FLEXPERT
Recently, it’s been brought to my attention that I can be overtly negative towards, well, everything.
But that’s not entirely true. Although, this belief isn’t a new thing, mind you, it’s been a fairly consistent theme my entire life. I’m an instigator by nature – like Woody Woodpecker. It’s hereditary – blame my Dad. Actually, blamemay be a bit heavy; credit is probably more apt. One of my earliest memories was my father openly siding with Randy Savage in the Mega Powers implosion of 1989. He followed that up by letting me go as Roddy Piper for Halloween. I legitimately had no chance. That, or it’s insanely sad awesome wrestling had such a transformative impact on my life. Either way, I don’t really hate things; I just prefer taking the other side. It’s not like I’m walking around looking like Antagonist Hall of Fame founder Snidely Whiplash on a day-to-day basis over here. And by that I mean I can’t grow a badass twirly moustache. I do like stuff however, lotsa stuff. Like lists. So I made one.
Things Pat Likes That You Probably Don’t
Ray Rice – I understand the distain. He’s been brutal. But like I said last week:
[Rice’s] value will never be lower than this very instant. Well, unless he lays another stinker against the Browns, then his value plummets deep into an abyss. And even if that happens, I’ll still be hoarding Ray Rice shares.
- Pat Mayo, The FLEXPERT
Can’t flip flop now. I would, but you must be a natural American citizen to be Secretary of State… I’m pretty sure. I concede trading for Rice now is a risk. But it’s a calculated one. Who are you really giving up to get him?
This week, I’ve witnessed Rice be packaged with Larry Fitzgerald-types in deals where Frank Gore, Mike James, Danny Woodhead, Eric Decker, DeMarco Murray, Jordan Reed, Josh Gordon, Alshon Jeffery and Keenan AllenWayans go back in exchange. Please, let’s gamble. There’s real value in a trade like that. It means you don’t even have to rely on Rice to actually produce for you right away. Likely, you’ll be picking up a RB3 for what you’ll have to give up to acquire him. Rice provides some depth on your bench in the interim – yes, he is still a capable Fantasy starter, he’s not Trent Richardson – and he’ll carry you through the playoffs with his little midget legs: Weeks 13-16 Rice gets PIT, MIN, DET and NE. Not exactly impenetrable defensive walls.
Now, the Fitz/Rice package may be too steep for some people – that’s a powerhouse of name value – but the other players I’ve seen Rice paired up with include: Cecil Shorts, Andre Brown, Marques Colston, Jordan Cameron, Pierre Thomas, Steven Jackson and Percy Harvin. All of which are good matches, since they help you hedge a little bit. If Rice turns out to be a flop, you may still get the upside from the other buy low in deal. Both may miss, but for what you have to give away, it’s more than worth it to find out. If both hit though, you win your league.
So, risky? Absolutely. But it’s not a giant investment.
“Archie Comics” – The official bathroom reading material of the Mayo household growing up. They were just stacked endlessly on top of the toilet. As the years progressed, the eventually found themselves occupying a basket next to the mini-garbage bin. It’s funny, as a kid I always suspected skimming through a Double Digest or 238 was commonplace. But I’ve learned that’s simply not true. Whenever I drop a casual “EGAD!” into a conversation or make the case for Reggie/Midge/Moose as the more compelling love triangle, others immediately fixate their gaze on my hand to see if I’m hiding my “insane stamp”.
Throwing Sweaters in the Dryer Before Going Out – Tighten up those threads; gotta look fresh.
Wearing Socks, Always – Bare feet are for hippies.
Jason Campbell & Seneca Wallace’s jazz band – That’s the reason behind those pencil thin mustaches, right?
Inflated negative points for Fantasy defenses – My home league has a lot of custom scoring rules. Everyone has their own preferences, so I’m not going to preach that you should adopt any of them… except one: if your Defense/Special Teams cedes more than 34 points, it’s (-10). In fact, I’m in favor of the increased use of MINUS points. Pick Sixes should be worth (-6), missed sub 40-yard field goals should (-3) – this also solves many people’s problem with D/STs and PKs affecting Fantasy so much. Leagues awarding yardage bonuses should also detract points for crappy outings. Have fun with it with. At our yearly rules and scoring summit – the draft – someonesuggested we make all botched Extra Points a clean (-100). Of course, that’s crazy and didn’t happen, but I appreciated where his mind was at.
Keeping Cold Spoons in the Freezer – You can spend all you want on rejuvenating creams to get rid of those nasty bags under your eyes. No need however. Just toss a pair of steely scoopers next to your ice cream – wait – then press those bad boys on the problem area. Don’t be concerned that the sensation feels like burning, just means it’s working. The sub 273.75 K temperature of the metal – with some pressure – activates the previously dormant molecules in your skin. It’s basically that weird German knee surgery for your eyes. I really should have applied my now-faded knowledge of chemistry to meth instead of vanity.
“Guess Who” – Just a great board game. And my dad looks like Alfred, but not all ginged up. It connected with me on a personal level.
“King of the Hill” – Both the TV show and movie. Mostly, the TV show, though.
Southland Tales – It literally has everything: a cast of over hundred including The Rock, Stlifer, Buffy, JT, Avon Barksdale, Leslie Knope, John Larroquette (FROM NIGHT COURT!!!!), that pathetic teacher from Clueless, Raiden from Mortal Kombat and a dozen other faces you recognize whose names you couldn’t even attempt to guess; bright colors, animations, humor, time travel, interstitial music videos, tracking shots, global deceleration, a dystopian future. The only thing lacking is a coherent plot. Which was such a problem, the director had to release three prequel graphic novels along with the movie just to give it a shred of semblance, and all of which… I have read.
Nonsensical stories don’t matter to me as long as they’re interesting, and interest spews out of Southland Tales. I can appreciate Richard Kelly applying the Troy Glaus method of hitting into movie making. Just say, “f**k it, and swing for the fences”, every time. Southland Tales strikes out on a pitch so terrible, you need to see the replay three more times just so you can begin to rationalize what he may have been thinking.
Actually knowing the Lyrics to songs outside of the chorus – Like Skee-Lo’s “I Wish”.
Manny Sanders – Emmanuel Sanders is slowly turning into a genuine Fantasy John Turturro… I fear you’re underrating his sneakiness. Over the last two weeks, THE COLONEL has been peppered with 22 targets from Mr. B. Ben, and the increased opportunity is finally starting to show up on the stat sheet, producing 13 catches for 186 yards and a TD against the Raiders and Patriots. But this inclusion in the Steelers’ offense is nothing new. In six of Pittsburgh’s eight games Sanders has at least 8 targets, eclipsing 5 receptions in four of those six. His only real dud of the season was three weeks ago in Baltimore when he could only muster a pitiful 7 yards on a lone grab. Guys have bad games. Especially when you’re named Emmanuel Sanders, not Calvin Johnson. But finding his level of consistency from a player that is so widely available isn’t something that’s overly prevalent.
Black Coffee – Because that’s how men take their coffee. You think the greatest generation had time had time for sissy cream fighting those Krauts in the trenches? Black coffee = freedom.
Asparagus – I am unconcerned with the alleged odor adjustment it gives your urine. When I take a leak, all I can ever smell is coffee, Black Coffee.
Coins: for $1 currency – I had this fight on a daily basis living in ‘merica. Coins v. Paper money became my personal Roe v. Wade. I just find one-dollar bills highly counterproductive: they take up too much space in my wallet, sucker me into thinking I have more money than I actually do and – here’s the kicker – THEY LOOK EXACTLY LIKE THE OTHER BILLS. Now, the common rebuttal to that is always, “It says the value on the corner”. Which is fair, but requires me to really dig in and give each bill a thorough inspection, an issue that can be easily remedied by color-coding the money, by the way. Good enough for the rest of the world isn’t good enough for you, USA?
The first time I took the train from New Jersey into Manhattan I, like a bumpkin, paid for the ticket in cash through a machine. For change, I was delivered 17 Sacagawea dollars to promptly put in my pocket. That was a bit extreme. And this is always brought up in the discourse, “Why would I want to carry around a pocket full of change?” No one does, but that’s not how it works. You know that jar in your bedroom you fill with your excess coins? At the end of the year, you’ll roll that up and find out you’ve saved almost $40, congrats! Between the cost of buying those cylinders and the time spent rolling them, it may have been more fiscally efficient just tossing those coins in the garbage. With $1 (and $2!) coins, keep a bowl on your nightstand and watch it act as a rudimentary savings account, you’ll pile up $100 a month. And, you can just toss some into your pocket when you leave the house if needed. Buying a coffee on the way to work or hopping on the subway – BOOM – no need to take out that (now less) bulky wallet.
I didn’t think it would be such a problem, but there’s this bizarre stigma attached to coins. In fact, Gregg Sussmanand I once almost actually came to legit blows in a meatball shop over it. I had that aforementioned pocket of dollars so I decided to leave seven $1 coins as a tip, which Gregg openly derided as “rude”. Something I took issue with: Money be money.
Maybe, this is an unwinnable argument, but I have one final point for the pro-coin camp: They’re way better at strip clubs. Sure, making it rain with bills is hilarious (and definitely something everyone should do once in their life, make it a bucket list item), but if you get a little moisture on the coin you can bank it of the table and get it to stick. All I’m sayin.
The Ben Stiller Show – The one on FOX, not MTV. Maybe I’m just addicted to the early 90s, who knows?
Dan LeFevour – Because I was prepared to “catch Le Fever” coming out of the out of the 2010 Draft. Didn’t happen.
C.J. Spiller – Like with Ray Rice, I’d been preaching two things with C.J. Spiller: Sit him until he has a “proving game” (which I feel he has last week) and buy low wherever you can. Probably can’t buy low anymore though cause…. HE’SSSSSS BACKKKKKK. I hope. He sure looked that way against a tough Chiefs unit – healthy at the very least. He was consistently turning the edge with burst and flashing lateral quickness and cut back ability on regular, unlike any other point this season. Maybe Spiller hired On The Case Keenum to solve the mystery of his lost talent. Maybe not, though. I’m pretty certain Keenum’s still off digging for leads in the disappearance of Maurice-Jones Drew’s skill set. So, I’m believing in Spiller. Because if he is truly healthy, he’s gonna be running – A LOT. That’s all the Bills do.
Buffalo’s scampered past the line of scrimmage a league-high 303 times this season. Also, now’s the time to noteFred Jackson isn’t going to lose value, he’ll remain the same, thus making him under valued at the moment. Running is the only game plan that can make the Bills successful. It’s how you remain competitive in every game with the trio of E.J. Manuel, Tad THE BAD Lewis and uggggggg Jeff Tuel taking the snaps. Run, Run, Run; then more running – THEN MORE RUNNING!!!! Then… deep jumpball to a speedy receiver B-lining it down the sidelines. Also known as the Mike Wallace “9” route special. This is why you see weird names scrolling across the ticker while you’re not watching the Bills game: Marquise Goodwin, T. J Graham, Robert Woods. These guys basically wander the field like Ronin, as lone samurais. All get a bump in value with Manuel returning this week. Woods > Graham > Goodwin, but don’t consider any reliable. In conclusion, I suspect we won’t be seeing another Scott Chandler 11-target game any time soon. If you’re starting the Buffalo Bruiser it’s because you’re out of options and OK with praying for him to score a TD. Something I’ve been forced to take up; he’s in my starting lineup in the RotoExperts In-House League.
Young MC – Because he rapped about good stuff, like sneakers and people who talk too much. And partying all night long. To the breakabreaka dawn. He also encouraged kids to have good self esteem, abstain from drugs and stay in school. Seriously, this is what was happening in the late-80s rap scene:
not a drug in particular, but drugs in general,
they’re not good for you, like a vitamin or mineral,
they come in liquid, leaves, powder, pills and rocks,
can put you six feet under on your back in a box,
so say no
- Young MC, “Just Say No”
This song had more of a message than Grandmaster Flash’s “The Message”. Then NWA came around and all people wanted to do was kill cops.
Exclusively playing “27 Red” on the Roulette table – It hits once every three spins. Ask any croupier.
Cutting myself shaving – I don’t enjoy it by any means, but it happens all the time so I must “like” on an unconscious level. And they’re cuts so deep you’d think I was a teenager craving some attention. But it’s actually a product of me bobbing my head to the bathroom beats of my boombox… well, iPhone dock/speaker thingy.
Doug Baldwin – Look, you can pretend like Percy Harvin is going to come back and dominate the competition like he’s the healthy Percy Harvin, but that would require him actually returning first. Thought you were coming back two weeks ago, Percy? He’s not to be trusted. Like me left alone with your girlfriend/spouse/significant other.
So until we actually see Harvin in gear, Doug Baldwin is the big benefactor. Still like Golden Tate more, but Baldwin should be a quality WR3/FLEX – more so in PPR scoring. Some will say Jermaine Kearse is a great add as well. Not me. Until he does something significant enough to make me not call him ‘Jevon’, leave him be. Honestly, I don’t even really refer to him as ‘Jevon’, I just yell FREEEEEAAAAAAKKKKK whenever he makes a play… which rarely happens.
Rob Ford – The mayor of Toronto seems hilarious from the outside, but living in the city, I can report the masses are not thrilled with his drunken crack smoking stupors.
Who am I kidding, it’s just an outraged minority. On the whole, people enjoy having Chris Farley run the city. It’s why his polling numbers have only gone up since these revelations became public.
And finally…
#THROWBACKTRACK
Yes, I realize Céline Dion is the worst. But this is an epic jam. Right now: go shut the blinds, scan the house for people, double lock the door and – for the love of God – make sure no one can hear you; then cue this track up. I dare you not to get fired up and starting singing along. It’s impossible. It’s basically a carbon copy of Robert Paulson’s “I’d Do Anything for Love”.
Blame Tarzan Dan for first bringing this to my attention in 1996.
Week 10 QB RANKS
WEEK 10 QB RANKS: (1-12) Brees, Peyton, Stafford, EL RIV, CAAAAAAMMMMMMMM, Wilson, Bob Griff 3, Romo, Big Ben, Dalton, Luck, foles…
— Patrick Mayo (@ThePME) November 6, 2013
WEEK 10 QB RANKS (13-25) Tannehill, KAEP, Eli, Pryor, McCown, Locker, Secret Good Glennon, Flacco, EJ, Kennum, Ryan, Palmer, #PONDER, #HENNE
— Patrick Mayo (@ThePME) November 6, 2013
EARLY GAME WATCHABILITY INDEX
DET/CHI
CIN/BAL
OAK/NYG
BUF/PIT
SEA/ATL
PHI/GB
JAX/TEN
STL/IND
SUICIDE LAY UP
TEN over JAX
STREAM DEFENSE OF THE WEEK
IND vs STL
TEN vs JAX
PIT vs BUF
SUPER STREAM DEFENSE OF THE WEEK
WAS at MIN
CAR at SF
BUF at PIT
SUPER LOCK
DET/CHI o53.5
THE REVENGE SOCIETY
HEYYYYY, this is a new one. Since I fully believe “Revenge Games” to be a real thing where players are predetermined to excel against their old teams. So here are your candidates to join Chris Ivory and Delaine Walkerin THE REVENGE SOCIETY…
Brandon Myers vs OAK
Eddie Royal vs DEN
QUICK READS
New Rule: Stream defenses against Kellen Clemens.
As long as you don’t treat Hakeem Nicks like an every week starter he’s been fairly easy to predict, excelling in every soft matchup he’s encountered. This week he draws Oakland, the fifth most generous defense to Fantasy WRs.
Beware of Arian Foster’s health, this week and going forward.
If Moneyball taught me one thing, it’s that confidence is manifested through having an attractive girlfriend/wife. So I’m guessing Mr. Lauren Tannehill goes off against the Bucs Monday night. As Tampa’s giving up 10 passing scores and an average of 25 Fantasy points per game to quarterbacks over its past four games. But they still haveDarrelle Revis, so in Mike Wallace vs Brian Hartline: IX; I’m going with Hartline. Also, keep an eye on Rishard Mathews too.
On the other side of the ball, Mike James has made me a believer. Probably cause his jump pass made me connect him with Tim Tebow in my head movies. But it’s not so much James’ production against a formidable foe – although, that helps – it’s his workload. Since assuming the running back mantle for Doug Martin, he’s averaging a hair over 20 touches a game, and against this porous Dolphins defense, he’ll put them to good use. My continued support for Brian Leonard should go unnoticed either. Leonard now has 10 catches since Martin went into injury purgatory. He’s become a safe 6-12 points in PPR every week.
There’s a new edition to the WORST PLACE RANKINGS! Welcome to the club Tavon Austin. YOU REEK!!!!
Garrett Graham is going to be worth the pick up against Arizona. The Cards are the worst team at limiting big men,BY FAR. Even though Case Keenum is relatively new to the scene, we do know one thing about him for certain: Guy loves throwing. He’s looked for Graham 14 times in the Texans’ past two and now finally gets the proper match up to exploit those opportunities.
I’d be hard pressed trusting Andre Brown in my lineup this week. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it however.
David Nelson may be on bye, but don’t forget about him. The Jets won’t play many more games where #GENOPICKS only throws 19 times.
Alshon Jeffery has 9 catches for 177 yards and a TD in two career games vs the Lions. And he’s better, and a much bigger part of the Bears offense now.
Chris Johnson is primed to have consecutive giant weeks for the first time years. Coming off a bye, Jacksonville’s allowed 7 TDs to RBs last three times they’ve donned helmets; they could have taken 64628 bye weeks and not remedied that quandary. So no worries with that. The awful Shonn Greene has reemerged in the Titans backfield to hamburgle both Johnson’s touches and goal line. Calmez-vous. CJ2ypc doesn’t care for work in the red zone anyway, he prefers going on lengthy runs.
Julius Thomas‘ health scares me a little, but there still aren’t many tight end alternatives I’d start over him. But,Jordan Reed is one. #ThursdayNightProblems
If Rashad Jennings can stay healthy for four whole quarters without Darren McFadden around, BRACE YOSELF FOO’. He may haul in double-digit receptions.
#LOSTIT PREDICTION: Griff Whalen does something productive this week. No particular reason outside of I’m rooting for it. He’s may be the most hilariously generic white person to ever play in the NFL. His name leads me to believe he loves country music, and he looks like this. No contest. No, I’m not telling you who he plays for, but I can say he was on the receiving end of 9 targets last week.
WEEK 10 FLEX RANKS
Remember to check back Saturday evening for an injury update and Sunday after the Inactives are released. Full rankings adjustment and fresh QUICK READS covering the Fantasy spin of each news event.
Rankings set to PPR scoring format:
1 point for every 10 yards Rushing/Receiving
1 point per reception
6 points per Touchdown
Points per reception (PPR) scoring must be treated differently than standard leagues. Receivers and scat backs like Darren Sproles, Danny Woodhead and Roy Helu have inflated value in PPR scoring. As do possession receivers – Wes Welker, Danny Amendola and others in their mold are safer options. Catches tend to be more consistent and predictive. Obviously, touchdowns and yards are still important, but when considering FLEX options exploit any advantage you can. For standard scoring, running backs with hands of stone like Alfred Morris, BenJarvus Green-Ellis and Stevan Ridley all see their stocks rise without catches in the mix.
Byes: New England, New York Jets, Cleveland, Kansas City
Calvin Johnson
Adrian Peterson
Jimmy Graham
Matt Forte
Marshawn Lynch
Knowshon Moreno
LeSean McCoy
Brandon Marshall
A.J. Green
Demaryius Thomas
Antonio Brown
Reggie Bush
Danny Woodhead
Vincent Jackson
Dez Bryant
Wes Welker
Le’Veon Bell
CJ SPILLLLLAAAAAAAA
Andre Johnson
Victor Cruz
Pierre Thomas
Chris Johnson
Zac Stacy
DeSean Jackson
Pierre Garcon
Keenan Allen
Eric Decker
Alfred Morris
Eddie Lacy
Mike James
Cecil Shorts
T.Y. Hilton
Torrey Smith
Alshon Jeffery
Hakeem Nicks
Giovani Bernard
Antonio Gates
Jordan Reed
Rashad Jennings
Jordy Nelson
Denarius Moore
DeMarco Murray
Julius Thomas
Harry Douglas
Terrence Williams
Emmanuel Sanders
Golden Tate
Riley Cooper
Garrett Graham
Tim Wright
Tony Gonzalez
Vernon Davis
Ryan Mathews
Ben Tate
Ray Rice
Frank Gore
Steve Smith
Kendall Wright
Jason Witten
Martellus Bennett
Larry Fitzgerald
Stevie Johnson
Doug Baldwin
Brian Hartline
Andre Brown
Lance Moore
MARV Jones
Michael Floyd
Mike WHO DAT Brown
Andre Ellington
Fred Jackson
Lamar Miller
Heath Miller
Coby Fleener
Maurice Jones-Drew
Steven Jackson
James Jones
Greg Olsen
Rod Streater
Anquan Boldin
DeAndre Hopkins
Jacquizz Rodgers
Joique Bell
Mike Wallace
Brian Leonard
Mike Tolbert
Kris Durham
Reuben Randle
Charles Dice Clay
Trent Richardson
Daniel Thomas
BenJarvus Green-Ellis
Shonn Greene
James Starks
Rishard Matthews
Jarrett Boykin
Brandon LaFell SEXUAL
Marlon Brown
Eddie Royal
Scott Chandler
Tyler Eifert
Delanie Walker
Tandon Doss
Cole Beasley
DeAngelo Williams
Marcel Reece
Rashard Mendenhall
Donald Brown
Jonathan Stewart
Tiquan Underwood
Vincent Brown
Leonard Hankerson
Kenny Stills
TED GINN JR.
The Walls of Jericho Cotchery
Robert Meachem
Nate Washington
Roddy White
Ace Sanders
Griff Whalen
Bryce Brown
Roy Helu
Bernard Pierce
Jacoby Jones
Jason Avant
Greg Jennings
T.J. Graham
Marlon Moore
Peyton Hillis
Dennis Johnson
Kendall Hunter
Andre Roberts
Chris Givens
Drew Davis
Michael Bush
Ronnie Brown
Jonathan Dwyer
Darius Johnson
Dwayne Harris
Santana Moss
Jermaine Kearse
Nick Toon
Benny Cunningham and his wife, Oprah
Denard Robinson? FTW!!!
Darrel Young
Marquise Goodwin
Jerome Simpson
Aldrick Robinson
Zach Ertz
Brandon Pettigrew
Rob Housler
Jermaine Gresham
Dallas Clark
Cordarrelle Patterson
Robert Turbin
Brandon Jacobs
Stephan Taylor
Anthony Dixon
Mychal Rivera
Brent Celek
Brandon Myers
Tashard Choice
John Kuhn
Toby Gerhart
Austin Pettis
Brian Quick
LaVon Brazil
C.J. Anderson
Michael Cox
Alfonso Smith
Not Christian Fauria
Lance Kendricks
Clay Harbor
Andrew Quarless
Jackie Battle
Khiry Robinson
Joseph Randle
Lance Dunbar
Felix Jones
Jordan The Todman
Myles White
Markus Wheaton
WORST PLACE
Mark Ingram
Jared Cook
Montee Ball
Miles Austin
Tavon Austin
Zach Miller
Check out our full suite of Fantasy Sports radio shows and podcasts! Listen to your favorite RotoExperts live or on demand, including the legendary Lenny Melnick, Tim McCullough, Jake Ciely, Gregg Sussman and many more. We cover Fantasy Football all week long and baseball year-round right here on ROTORADIO.
Photo via