Happy Thanksgiving!
For you, not me. I celebrated mine six weeks ago. But it doesn’t mean I don’t have proper Turkey day experience. Unlike my maiden Memorial Day voyage, I’m a seasoned vet at having fun on the fourth Thursday of November. At the very least, I understand it’s the Autocorrect fail meme of holidays – enjoyable every time.
I’ve actually celebrated the holiday, every one since freshman year, by shacking up in a local “drinkery” for twelve hours – 19’s the legal drinking age in Canada, SUCKAS – consuming refreshing beverage after refreshing beverage. You’d be stunned how much more palatable a holiday can be when you spend it getting loaded with the members of your Fantasy league and no relatives in sight.
Here’s a highlight reel of the last decade of shenanigans from what I refer to as “American Thanksgiving”:
- Being launched from the campus bar for ruining the regularly scheduled trivia night after demanding the game sound be blasted, yelling obscene comments at all in attendance… capped off with one member of our stuporing group celebrating a Tony Romo to Terrell Owens touchdown by removing his PRIMETIME jersey, running up to a non-English speaking – and now rightly terrified – exchange student, screaming “WHO YOU GOT? DALLAS COWBOYS!!!” with his index finger positioned no further than a half inch (1.27 cm) from his face. He then proceeded to unleash a deafening Ric Flair “WHOOOOOOOOO”, before taking a step backwards and stumbling down a flight of stairs. I blame the establishment for serving us so many yards of beer. We tried to go back the next year and failed to make it past the bouncer. It remains the only place on Earth where I’ve earned a lifetime ban.
- Another friend staggered to the casino post game with his official designated driver of the evening in tow, where the pair discovered his car had been stolen. Down on his luck, and sans cab money, he threw a quarter into the first slot machine in sight, smacked the spin button and ended up $1000 richer about 8 seconds later. He filed a theft report with the police before shacking up in the casino hotel and ordering over $200 worth of breakfast at 3am. After picking him up in the next morning, the cops eventually revealed to him his car had not actually been stolen, but was still where he’d left it – parked 5-feet from the front door of the bar where’d we’d watched the games.
- The same friend had a mid-term scheduled at 5:00pm the next year and decided it was in his better interest to come pound a few pitchers in lieu of making sure his future would be secure – a choice I totally supported then, and still do. I’m not sure if he ever made to the exam, although I vividly remember him leaving to go write it, but not before double-paying a $150 bill. He was discovered later that night passed out on the rocks of a place called “The Dingle”, with no recollection of how he ended up 5-miles from where he should have been, by a bunch of strangers who took out his phone, scanned his “missed calls” list and got us to come get him.
- Not to be outdone the following November, in an effort to make sure the same nonsense didn’t repeat itself, we sent him home with our designated driver midway through the fourth quarter. But before he could make it to the car, he too decided to channel his inner Ric Flair – a common trait among all of us – shouting out a giant “WHOOOOOOO”, accompanied by an open hand chop the window of a mail truck. That prompted the mailman to get out and try to beat him up, which sucked the rest of us into coming to his aid. Since we were now jacketed and outdoors, another friend decided he would catch a ride with them too. Half way home, at a random intersection, our exceptionally more inebriated friend looked that the other and said, “Well Stoilov, this is where you get out.” He subsequently broke into maniacal laugher, exited the vehicle and dragged our other friend out of the car by his neck. Not feeling right dropping him off at his mom’s house in that state, the driver took him back to his parents place, turned on the TV only to find a certain boozed individual doing NAKED sit-ups on his father’s workout mat. He’s yet to earn that college degree. And the mat had to be burned. Seriously.
- Now, most years, 10 or 11 of our league’s 12 members would be in attendance for the day, but every so often one would come to the conclusion that real life responsibility took precedent. What a jerk. That was not a universal theme among all of us though. I once quit my job because they wouldn’t give me the day off… and I’d do it again, dammit. In this particular year, one friend decided it would be more prudent to show up to his shift at the grocery store instead of coming out. That was the wrong move. After the games at concluded, we angrily stormed into said supermarket and had a nine-person battle of a game we affectionately dubbed “Oh Henry tag”. Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like. That friend was quite fortunate to keep that job after his supervisor was declared “it” after taking a candy bar to the face.
- Someone was once recommended a flavor of wing sauce called “Jamaican Jerk” by another friend. The friend who recommended it not only had no idea what it tasted like, but refused to try a wing when they arrived. It persists as a contentious issue between the two to this day.
- Wings were always heavily involved. As evidence by me trying to be a big man and order a particular type of chicken arm that required a signature on a waiver before consuming. After boasting how I’d down the dozen with little strain, the Death Wings were finally placed in front of me. I could feel the heat emanating from them, literally. This was not going to end well, I knew that, but I couldn’t back out now and forever be known as a coward. But it didn’t matter, the end result made me look no better. After finishing off a lone drumstick – which tasted exactly like (I assume) rubber — the temperature in my mouth began its steady ascent. About a minute later, I was rubbing sugar on my gums and chugging milk trying to get the pain to subside. No dice. After going as far to break out the Dumb and Dumber method of spice suffocation, a random patron piped up and suggested smoking. Which worked. But only while the cigarette was actually being smoked. The suffering immediately ignited upon exhale. This led to me standing outside with two lit CIGS in my hands, alternating from one to another the moment I sensed a slight rise in the mercury. This lasted for 45 minutes, and what was once a fresh pack of Du Mauriers.
- In retrospect, that showing was far more reasonable than another year where we crashed a house party and I started running my mouth – as I’ve been known to do – about the doors of my Saturn wagon being “undentable”. Which was true. Not unscratchable however. Daring people to throw empty beer bottles at your driver side door may actually be the worst life decision I’ve ever made.
Yay for college life in Eastern Canada!
I know it all sounds rather ridiculous, because it was, without a doubt. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t an utterly enjoyable day, every single time. How do I know? Early this morning I received a response to my email asking everyone to send me their favorite stories from our one league mate who now works in China, that read:
“Skipped school at X a couple times to come down for those. Lets go to Bubba Rays and see if they will let us into the Dal pub again! Only 27 hours of travel time, I could make it if I left now!”
He’s deadly serious about that proposition.
Problem is, we’re all a little too much like Roger Murtaugh in Lethal Weapon for that anymore. But there is a thing we still incorporate into our festivities to this day – the best game Thanksgiving has to offer, QUARTERS!!! It’s one you can play on Thursday. And it doesn’t even come with a Parental Advisory logo attached; it’s fun for the entire family.
Simply tell all your relatives to arrive at grandma’s with a sack full of quarters, because you’re going to need something to get you through an entire day full of family and the triple play of single-game-at-a-time action – it’s weird bingeing a full day’s worth of NFL games without having at least three screens with constant action going on at once. You then take your 25-cent pieces, and just make bets on every play. Who’s going to make the next catch? Run or Pass? Complete, incomplete or 10-to-1 on an inception? Over/under 20-yard line on this kickoff (Touchback a push)? How many members of the crew will they show by a fire with their unattractive families during the broadcast? How many beer commercials will air in the next block? Will the next car ad be Ford, Dodge or the field? When will Uncle Bob make Aunt Ethel break into tears: before or after the cranberry sauce hits the table?
Have some fun with it. Because that’s what the holidays are truly about, good times surrounded by people youdon’t despise love.
#THROWBACKTRACKFAKETRAILER
White meat, dark meat; all will be carved… THANKSGIVING.
WEEK 13 QB RANKS
Week 13 QB RANKS (1-9) Stafford, Peyton, CAAAAMMMMMMMM, Brady, Brees, Romo, McCown, Ryan, "NOT GREAT BOB" Griffin 3.0…
— Patrick Mayo (@ThePME) November 26, 2013
Week 13 QB RANKS (10-20) Foles, EL RIV, Wilson, Eli, Big BEN, Carsonio, KAEP, Luck, Dalton, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA FITZMAGIC, Flacco…
— Patrick Mayo (@ThePME) November 26, 2013
Week 13 QB RANKS (21-27) A Smith, E.J., R-TANN, Matt AHHHHH McGroin, “Secret Bald” Mike Glennon, Sister Christian Ponder, Matt Flynn…
— Patrick Mayo (@ThePME) November 26, 2013
Week 13 QB RANKS (28-32) Back on the Case Keenum, #WEEDENPICKS, #HENNEPICKS, #GENOPICKS Kellen CLOLemens
— Patrick Mayo (@ThePME) November 26, 2013
EARLY GAME WATCHABILITY INDEX
SD/KC
ARZ/PHI
TEN/IND
MIA/NYJ
CHI/MIN
TB/CAR
JAX/CLE
NE/HOU
SUICIDE LAY UP
NE over HOU
STREAM DEFENSE OF THE WEEK
CLE vs JAX
NE at HOU
SUPER STREAM DEFESNE OF THE WEEK
BUF vs ATL
PHI vs ARZ
THE REVENGE SOCIETY
NOPE
SUPER LOCK
NYJ (-1)
QUICK READS
Word out of Le Pomme Grand is that Chirs Ivory is not just suffering from a regular old ankle sprain, but both a high and low ankle sprain, which he suffered on his first touch last week against the Ravens. Toughing it out for the entire game, not looking like the best of ideas right now as he’s a long shot to take advantage of his soft match up against the dreadful Dolphins run defense – Enter Bilal Powell. The only way for New York to be successful is to limit Geno Smith’s attempts; keeping his transformations into #GENOPICKS or #GENOFUMBS to a minimum. Cause really, he could legitimately turn the ball over every snap. And if Ivory does end up missing the game, Powell is going to inherit the entire workload, which could be in the realm of 30 touches. As for Jets receivers, last week’s leader in targets was THE GROUND, he’s a sit.
Loyalty has no place in Fantasy, so sorry KC D/ST. You’ve scored MINUS points the past two games, lost your two best players and now draw Peyton Manning; find another defense. Don’t feel bad dropping them for another unit if you don’t have the roster space to add another.
Everyone has been quick to toss dirt on Stevan Ridley, but he simply cannot be killed. It’s impossible. He’s a Fantasy Highlander, and you’ll be seeing a lot more of him than you’d expect against the Texans. Likely not as much as Shane Vereen, though. He has 16 receptions in the last two games since returning from injury. That’s absurd. Vereen could challenge the Top 10 at running back the rest of the way in PPR. He’s like a perfect fusion ofDanny Woodhead and Kevin Faulk.
For Week 13, and the remainder of the year, Rob Gronkowski, Jimmy Graham and Julius Thomas are the clear cut Top three at tight end. Not exactly breaking news. However, it gets rather dicey after that beastly triumvirate. There’s only other big man who can challenge that group’s upside - Vernon Davis. He’s like them, except riddled with consistency. Which is still good enough to make him next best. Actually, Jared Cook can rival their peak production too. Unfortunately, he’s like Kwanzaa-Bot – he only shows up once a year.
A week after dropping a giant goose egg in your lineup in Week 11, Kai Forbath posted a number that actually had a inverse Monday night. Kudos!
Ever since getting busted returning from Sampson’s place with a bunch of “The Pot”, Dwayne Bowe has scored in two straight games. Is it a product of the Chiefs finally playing from behind and being forced to throw, like they’ll have to do again against the Broncos? No. There’s a much easier explanation. Because of Bowe’s newfound appetite, he’s been spending a lot more time around Andy Reid – who’s basically the food equivalent of Alec Baldwin’s Blake from Glengarry Glen Ross – except for Andy, it’s ABE not ABC, always be eating. And now that they’re buffet buds, Reid’s finally decided it’s time for his new pal to be incorporated properly into the offense, dragging Bowe out of “Bust of the Year” contention. That’s the truth. Just like Bowe making another cameo in the end zone this week. Count it.
Michael Crabtree is finally making his season debut against the Rams. Wouldn’t so quick to start him, though. With a full compliment of games, there is a slew of safer options this week. If he goes off, just be happy you have him for your playoff run. Expect him to be eased back into action a la Percy Harvin.
That snap count shouldn’t apply to Harvin anymore, coming off a bye. It’s time for him to explode, even in a tough match up against the Saints pass D.
But of all the recently returning wide outs, it’s Nate Burleson I like the most, at least from a safety standpoint in PPR. Nasty Nate’s strapped on the pads four times in 2013 and he’s yet to dip below 6 catches in any of them.
On paper, Andre Johnson should pile up a passel of points against the Patriots, but I’m weary. Bill Belichick is the master of taking away a team’s best offensive weapon, and Johnson isn’t just the top option the Texans have, he’s the only one at this juncture.
Now that Nick Foles has been named the Eagles starter moving forward, you’re now allowed to consider him a Top 10 QB every week. He is a perfect fit for what Chip Kelly wants to do. It’s not going to be easy against the Cardinals, with Patrick Peterson tossing a wet blanket on DeSean Jackson’s production. Good thing Riley Cooper lingers on the opposite side of the field. And if Cooper isn’t up to the task, Foles may just pass to Zach Ertz on every single play. Don’t be shocked when Ertz looks electric and lays the Hertz on Arizona. The Cards have ceded scores to tight ends in three consecutive contests, and seven in their past five.
Don’t forget 2013’s golden rule: WR2s always go off against Philly. That’s the reason behind Michael Floydusurping Larry Fitzgerald in the ranks. Andre Roberts is a calculated sleeper as well.
Trent Richardson is primed for a breakout against a sieve-like Tennessee run defense. Making him an absolute must start……… FOOLED YOU!!! T-Rich is garbage. But there is another running back in a blue uniform that does need to be started where ever possible: Andre Brown. Dr. Dre’s gained at least 93-yards and earned 20+ touches in his three games since being activated from the IR, and now he’s going to pound the Redskins into submission. Washington’s given up an NFL worst 14 TDs to RBs, likely a product of allowing a score to the position in each of its first 10 games. That streak came to an end Monday night, but only because the 49ers did whatever they wanted though the air. Brown will start a new one Sunday.
Atlanta’s defense has gotten progressively worse as the season’s gone along, especially against the run. Meaning, I like both Fred Jackson and C.J. Spiller to potentially act like Homer when his access to beer than TV has been restricted. Between the two, give me Jackson – he gets the goal line carries.
Don’t forget about Robert Woods either. Woods had developed a terrific chemistry with E.J. Manuel before they both got hurt. I’m sure he’s available in most leagues and benefits from a pulpy playoff schedule. Go grab him.
I’m convinced Ryan Mathews only hurt his hamstring because he felt like Darren McFadden had gotten the upper hand on him in their lifelong bet to see who could miss the most games to injury in their careers. I don’t expect Mathews to suit up, making Danny Woodhead a Top 10 option in standard leagues, along with his regular elevated status in the PPR rankings. Ronnie Brown could even breach double-digit touches with Mathews off hanging out with the training staff.
Mathews can make up some ground in that wager because DMC is finally returning to the Raiders, which is horrible news for every Rashad Jennings owner. Dennis Allen has stated he’ll stick with the hot hand, but don’t get all trout faced when McFadden splits carries and renders them both useless. Even if McFadden gets the bigger end of the workload, do not cut ties with Jennings. He’s been a Fantasy revelation as Oakland’s featured back and it won’t be long until DMC is carted off to the triage unit once again.
Bobby will #MakeItRainey again. Just not against the Great Wall of Carolina this week. But better times are ahead.
If Zac Stacy is the reason you’re still in the playoff hunt, I think you may be let down by Benny Cunningham if he’s forced into your starting lineup. Back a full strength, San Fran is going to start eating up running backs again. Remember to light a candle to help Stacy get deconcussed as quickly as possible.
Daniel Thomas is likely finished for the season, having torn the ligaments in his ankle (tough week for RBs and their ankles, btw). However this doesn’t make Lamar Miller startable. Thomas being injured didn’t suddenly make Miller not suck. It wouldn’t shock me to see Sir Charles Dice, Charles Clay ends up with more rushing yards.
Mike Wallace > Rishard Mathews > Brian Hartline
Don’t be scared of Primetime Darren Sproles squaring off against the fearsome Seattle defense. The game starts after 8:20pm ET, that’s Sproles’ golden hour.
And finally, there are only four things Brandon Weeden benefits:
The Cleve’s draft position
Hilariousness
Opposing Fantasy defense
Jordan Cameron
Cameron will get back to his previous elite level with Weeden under center.
WEEK 13 PPR FLEX RANKS
Remember to check back Saturday evening for an injury update and Sunday after the Inactives are released for full rankings adjustments and fresh QUICK READS covering the Fantasy spin of every relevant news event.
Week 13 Waiver Wire Power Rankings – Get Nate Burleson, not Tavon Austin
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Rankings set to PPR scoring format:
1 point for every 10 yards Rushing/Receiving
1 point per reception
6 points per Touchdown
Points per reception (PPR) scoring must be treated differently than standard leagues. Receivers and scat backs like Darren Sproles, Danny Woodhead and Roy Helu have inflated value in PPR scoring. As do possession receivers – Wes Welker, Danny Amendola and others in their mold are safer options. Catches tend to be more consistent and predictive. Obviously, touchdowns and yards are still important, but when considering FLEX options exploit any advantage you can. For standard scoring, running backs with hands of stone like Alfred Morris, BenJarvus Green-Ellis and Stevan Ridley all see their stocks rise without catches in the mix.
Calvin Johnson
Adrian Peterson
Marshawn Lynch
Brandon Marshall
Jamaal Charles
Rob Gronkowski
A.J. Green
Matt Forte
Knowshon Moreno
Dez Bryant
Josh Gordon
Andre Brown
Danny Petrified Woodhead
LeSean McCoy
Jimmy Graham
Eddie Lacy
Demaryius Thomas
Antonio Brown
Alshon Jeffery
Jordy Nelson
Keenan Allen Waynes
Harry Douglas
Frank Gore
Torrey Smith
Chris Johnson
Reggie Bush
Alfred Morris
Shane Vereen
Vincent Jackson
Kendall Wright
DeSean Jackson
Eric Decker
Wes Welker
Pierre Garcon
Julius Thomas
Vernon Davis
Riley Cooper
Jarrett Boykin
Michael Floyd
Wes Welker
Fred Jackson
Ray Rice
Gio Bernard
“Lucky” Pierre Thomas
Demarco Murray
Nate Burleson
“Too Nuked” Dwayne Bowe
Bilal POWWWWell
Jordan Cameron
Primetime
Elix Skipper
Darren Sproles
Stevie Johnson
Steve Smith
Victor Cruz
Rod Streater
Le’Veon Bell
Delanie Walker
Charles Dice Clay
Coby Fleener
Donald Brown
CJ SPILLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
Maurice Jones-Drew
Andre Johnson
Danny Amendola
Larry Fitzgerald
James Jones
T.Y. Hilton
Golden Tate
Percy Harvin
Steven Jackson
Anquan Boldin
Marques Colston
Martellus Bennett
Greg Olsen
Jason Witten
Heath Miller
Benny Cunningham and his wife, Oprah
Chris Ogbonnaya
Rashad Jennings
Bobby Rainey
Emmanuel Sanders, THE COLONEL
Antonio Gates
Zach Ertz
Rob Housler
Tony Gonzalez
Sideshow Cecil Shorts
Mike Wallace
Julian Edelman
Stevan RIDLEY
Rashard Mendenhall
Andre Ellington
Rishard Mathews
Terrence Williams
Ben Tate
Jacquizz Rodgers
Dexter McSuckster
Montee Ball
Doug Baldwin
Hakeem Nicks
Reuben Randle
Brandon LaFell SEXWELL
Brian Hartline
CRAB PEOPLE!!!!
Tavon Austin 3:16
Mike WHO DAT Brown
Justin Hunter
Ladarius Green
BenJarvus Green-Ellis
Dennis Johnson
Darren McFadden (SHOCKER!!!)
Tim Wright
John Carlson
Garrett Graham
DeAngelo Williams
Mike Tolbert
Jonathan Stewart
Aaron Dobson
Joique Bell
Kendall Hunter
Toby Gerhart
Santonio Homles
Lance Moore
Darius Johnson
Cordarrelle Patterson
Robert Woods
Fozzy Wozzy Whittaker
Mohamed Sanu
The Walls of Jericho Cotchery
MARV Jones
Kenny Stills to Pay The Bills
Roddy White
Andre Roberts
Ace Sanders
Tim Wright
TED GINN JR.
DeAndre Hopkins
Kenbrell Thompkins
Jacoby Jones
Donnie Avery
Marquise Goodwin
Brandon Pettigrew
Anthony Fasano
Scott Chandler
Jermaine Gresham
Brandon Jacobs
Roy Helu
Bernard Pierce
Brandon Bolden
Marcel Reece
Willis McGahee
Bryce Brown
Andre Holmes
Marlon Brown
David Nelson
Tiquan Underwood
Devone Bess
Josh Morgan
Tyler Eifert
Ronnie Brown
Dallas Clark
Brent Celek
Cole Beasley
Nate Washington
James Starks
Darrel Young
Marcus Thigpen
Not Christian Fauria
Lance Kendricks
Joseph Randle
Jordan Todman
Aldrick Robinson
Chris Givens
Miles Austin 3:16
Kris Durham
Greg Salas
Vincent Brown
Mario Manningham
Eddie Royal
Greg Jennings
Tandon Doss
T.J. Graham
DeVier pocket full of Posey
Robert Meachem
Markus Wheaton
Javon Jermaine Kearse
Santana Moss
Marcedes Lewis
Jason Avant
Robert Turbin
Tashard Choice
Michael Bush
Jonathan Dwyer
Nard Dog Robinson
Knile Davis
Khiry Robinson
Austin Pettisphile
Greg Little
Jerome Simpson
Marlon Moore
Nick Toon
Stephen Hill
LaVon Brazil
Dwayne Harris
Julius Wright
Brian Quick
Stephan Taylor
Anthony Dixon
John Kuhn
Zach Sudfeld
Brandon Myers
Clay Harbor
Andrew Quarless
Alfonso Smith
Isaiah Pead
LeGarrette Blount
Felix Jones
Jacoby Ford
Drew Davis
Myles White
WORST PLACE
Oh, hai Mark Ingram
Trent Richardson
Jared Cook
Lamar Miller
Zach Miller
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