Q: I was wondering if I could get some advice from someone who’s greek, but not in my sorority. I’m in a very small chapter and I’m part of the biggest pledge class they’ve had. I feel like I’m constantly pretending to be happy and pretending to share interests with my sisters. They are super nice, but I feel like an outsider.
I thought living in the house next year would make it better because of shared experiences and proximity, but my assigned roommate recently shared that she has severe depression (and in therapy.) As much I want to help and support her I’m not sure my mental health will be able to handle living with her. I already worry about her constantly.
I’m going to see if I can get released from housing, but I would be the only one not in the house. I’m considering dropping, and possibly rushing again in a year to see if I might find a better fit elsewhere, but I don’t want to hurt these girls who’ve been so kind to me. I hate that I want to give up. I’m just not happy. But I can’t make myself say that to my sisters. I’m so heartsick trying to figure out what to do.
A: I am so sorry you’re having such a rough time! You have several different problems and they shouldn’t necessarily be lumped together. Let’s break things down and look at the issues separately.
First of all, I think the severely depressed roommate is clouding your vision about your entire sorority! I know roommates are scarce, but you shouldn’t be asked to sacrifice your own mental health for a deeply troubled roommate. Your own well-being is first and foremost. PLEASE go to your chapter leadership and ask about a reassignment immediately. Being the only sister living outside the house - or totally dropping out - shouldn’t be your only choices for dealing with this difficult living situation. Hopefully you can room with someone else. Be firm in telling your chapter that due to your own personality, you just cannot manage the roommate you were given. You care, but you have your limitations. There may be another sister who has the temperament to deal with the member in therapy. Request a switch and clearly communicate with your chapter.
As for disaffiliating, if you belong to a NPC sorority, you can’t drop and join another chapter next year. If your sorority is not one of the 26 NPC organizations, you have more flexibility, but there are no guarantees that you will get a bid as an older re-rushing PNM. The grass is not always greener on the other side. You say the girls are really nice in your chapter and you would hate to disappoint them by leaving. So DON’T! Your gut is telling you something. Instead, ease up on your expectations. Stop trying to force things. Life in a sorority, year after year, is not like bid day every day. You don’t need lots in common, or extreme happiness every moment. Fine friends and good times on a “normal” level is what membership is all about.
The only one making you feel like an outsider is YOU. Please stop focusing on yourself and turn your attention to each of your sisters. They like you. They wanted you as a member for life. What can you do to make them proud? How can you get more involved and help your sorority grow? Think about how you can improve recruitment and encourage more nice girls to join. Every rush is a chance for you to improve your house and make it stronger. Walking away from your sorority gets you nowhere. It’s a negative step, not a positive one. If you want to feel more included and bonded, get more active. To feel better, you need to do the opposite of bailing out!
To recap, here’s your list of things to do, so you can turn this thing around:
Deal with the unhappy roommate situation right away. For your own sake, work it out.
Take positive steps to improve your attitude about your sorority.
Get more involved in your chapter and in other campus activities too. Expand your life experiences, so the problems in your small sorority don’t overwhelm you, or drag you down so much.
Accept that you have been blessed with “kind” sisters, even if they aren’t perfect. Take them as they are and consider yourself lucky.
Adjust your expectations and start appreciating what you DO have.
Open your heart and let yourself into the chapter. Your happiness is in your hands. You can choose to be satisfied with your sisterhood from this day forward.
“Happiness depends upon ourselves.” ~ Aristotle
“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.”
~ Seneca