Previously: Marissa learns about her parent’s divorce and her cheatery boyfriend in Tijuana, so she swallows a bunch of painkillers and rolls around in the dirt.
–
The Rescue
Stephanie: We begin in the Cohen kitchen. Sandy, Mama Cohen, Ryan and Seth are standing around looking somber on account of Marissa being in the hospital thanks to all those Mexican painkillers. They’re too upset to eat bagels, (L: What even?) (RIGHT?) so Mama Cohen sets up the premise of the episode. Ryan has a meeting with the dean of Rich Kid High, and Sandy and his eyebrows are starting a new job. Just as they’re about to get ready for the day, the phone rings and they all turn to look at it like, “MARISSA!” Personally, I’d rather eat bagels than deal with her.
Lorraine: Also, if they just stare at the phone, they are all doing phone calls wrong.
Sweeney: Or really, really right, since I hate talking on the phone. I should try that approach in the future. I’ll update my voicemail accordingly. “Sorry, I can’t answer the phone right now because I’m too busy death glaring my phone for ringing. I will probably never listen to the voicemail.”
Stephanie: This is already how I use my phone, so I thought it was perfectly normal.
In the hospital. Marissa’s dad lets everyone know that they’re really lucky they found Marissa in time. She’s sleeping, but she’s going to be fine. Ryan sits next to her and broods.
Julie enters. Fun Fact: This actress plays a sexy zombie with nipple piercings who’s also named Julie in the terrible movie Return of the Living Dead 3. This is all I can think of whenever I look at her:
Lor: WHAT? AW MAN. I CAN NEVER UNSEE THAT. You’re kind of a terrible person.
Stephanie: You’re welcome. Anyway, she’s not pleased to see the Cohen family, so she coldly shoos them out, saying Marissa needs rest and family time.
Cut to the hospital hallway. The Cohens are leaving, but Julie comes out and stops them. She pulls Ryan aside and tells him that he’s basically responsible for Marissa being a druggy mess. Now he’s an almost murderer in addition to crimes like working with a guy who owns a gun and being poor. Ryan swears he would never hurt Marissa. Julie doesn’t care. Ryan won’t ever see her again unless he wants to get sent back to juvie.
Californiaaaa.
After the credits, Ryan, Seth and Mama Cohen are walking together and we finally get to see the OC high school. It’s pretty much a vacation resort.
Lor: A little bit of the walkway reminded me of Sunnydale High! Just me?
Sweeney: The outdoor plaza aspect. I know that there are like 2 locations in LA that have served as several dozen fictional high schools so that’s plausible. This is clearly a whole lot larger, though.
Stephanie: I didn’t get Sunnydale High as much as I got Paradise High. I mean I guess Sunnydale High is paradise if you like monsters and dying. Or if you’re evil.
Ryan is like, “WTF, this is a school?” He’s surprised that they have a pool and a tennis court, since his last school only had a basketball hoop. LOL. Mama Cohen is chatting everybody up and Seth laments that his mom is more popular than he is. Why wouldn’t anyone want to be friends with Seth? He seems fun.
Meanwhile, Sandy is having his ID photo taken for his new job. I bet they had to switch to a wide lens to fit those brows into the shot. It’s all very artistic in that this scene parallels Ryan’s first day. Except more Grown Up and Lawyery. Sandy is impressed by how much more legit everything is compared to his last job. The new job has a gym while his last job only had a basketball hoop. Oh, show.
Back at school, Ryan worries to Mama Cohen about how his last school was really easy because there were no tests and essays and now he has to attend Hard School. (L: As opposed to the School of Hard Knocks. *rimshot*) Mama Cohen assures him that the school will be good for him and prepare him for Ivy League college. Ryan’s like, “HMMM COLLEGE.”
Seth appears to talk about all his life stealing classes and let Ryan know that the dean(?), Dr. Kim, is a really cool lady. He says it in a way that suggests she’s super sexy or something? I don’t even know what that delivery was supposed to be. (S: I was waiting for her reveal to make it make sense. It did not.) (This is a mystery that will intrigue me until the end of the series.) Dr. Kim comes out and invites Ryan and Mama Cohen into her office.
Boring parent plot. Sandy and his Co-Worker Lady Friend swap lawyer banter. Random lawyer people roll in several carts of files filled with really boring rich people cases. The cases are stupid things like bad botox injections and noisy yachts. Sandy is not impressed anymore.
Lor: Console yourself in the new gym, friend, or like roll around in your new buckets of money.
Sweeney: Like so:
Stephanie: Dr. Kim’s office. Dr. Kim doesn’t think Ryan is a good fit for Rich Kid High because he’s basically a hardcore criminal. Mama Cohen thinks not letting Ryan attend is more about keeping up appearances. The parents wouldn’t want a thug thugging up their school and children. (S: Kirsten’s trying to shame her, but isn’t rampant elitism like 85% of the point of private schools like this?) Ryan says that he can’t change the life he came from but he can change where it’s going if he gets a chance. Mama Cohen makes hell yeah proud-eyes and Dr. Kim agrees to let Ryan take a placement exam.
Elsewhere, Seth is sitting at a table with a beautiful view of the ocean. What the hell? Can I go there? He spots Summer and invites her to sit with him. They chat about how messed up it is that they have to go on like everything is normal while Marissa is bed-ridden. Seth says that when Marissa gets out of the hospital they should all hang out together… Or alone in a date-like manner. I don’t know dude, that’s kind of a weird segue. It’s sad that your best friend almost died. Let’s go out!
Summer’s friends show up to interrupt and look at him like, “EW GEEKNERDLOSER,” even though he’s actually really cute and likable. Whatever. The moment is ruined and they part ways because he’s a geek and she’s the popular girl. This is a love that can never be. As she walks away, I notice that her sandals are cute.
Lor: So, in addition to ocean views, at Rich Kid School, Adam Brodys are considered undesirable. HELLO BETTER CHANCES FOR ME, RIGHT? Yeah, I’d go there.
Stephanie: Me too! I mean I don’t actually want to go back to school, but if there’s a guy who’ll totally date us because no one else wants him. Let’s go! We’ll forget about the part where we’re both over 25, ’cause that’s weird.
At the hospital, Marissa is still asleep while her parents drink coffee over her. Julie’s still upset that Papa Cooper invited the Cohen’s to the hospital because she doesn’t like that “Bryan” around her daughter. The sound of their whisper-argument stirs Marissa awake just in time to overhear the bad parts of the discussion. Julie has decided that now Papa Cooper is to blame for the Mexico overdose. She wants full custody of Marissa. Marissa makes a face that’s like, “NO DON’T MAKE ME LIVE WITH HER.” Papa Cooper says he’s not just going to let his kids go, but Julie insists she’ll make sure he won’t even get visitation rights if he tries to fight her.
A single, delicate tear falls down Marissa’s face because her family freaking sucks. When both parents are gone, she reaches into a nearby drawer and pulls out her cellphone. Good thing she just happened to know where that was even though she’s been unconscious since she got to the hospital. (L: She can sense it. I think it’s a rich girl power.)
I guess school is over now because Ryan and Seth are at the pool house. Maybe it’s not the pool house. I can’t tell where the hell they are. Ryan is studying for the placement exam using Seth’s old test sheet. He only has 2 hours before he has to take the exam and Seth keeps yammering about his creeper crush on Summer and their electric connection when they kissed. Seth is like, “can you please shut the fuck up, so I don’t fail?” But when Marissa calls from the hospital, he’s like, “fuck tests, I gotta go see Marissa!” What a dumbass. Seth is left standing at the door alone. You can tell by his huffy sigh that he thinks Ryan is a dumbass too.
Ryan shows up at the hospital with a sad looking flower in an ugly vase. He sits on the edge of Marissa’s bed while Marissa explains that she wasn’t trying to kill herself. She just wanted to escape. Ryan already knew that because they get each other SO MUCH. This tender moment is interrupted by Julie barging in and making orders about lunch to the hospital staff. Ryan quickly hides in the bathroom.
As soon as Julie spots the flower, she knows that Ryan is the one who gave it to Marissa. (L: Probably because it’s ugly and poor people give ugly things.) They argue about Ryan being a bad influence, but Marissa says she was unhappy even before him. Julie cuts her off before Marissa has a chance to open so that she can go make more demands at the hospital staff, this time about the crappy security. Wow, she’s the worst, and her pink tube top is offensive to my eyeballs.
Sweeney: Everything Julie Cooper is wearing was the worst of 2003 fashion. I have the vague sense that all of her choices were acceptable at that time, but it’s like even wardrobe knew, “She is evil. Here is every overpriced garment and accessory that will not pass the test of time.”
Stephanie: Ryan emerges from the bathroom. Marissa apologizes for the stuff her crappy mom said. Ryan’s all, “no biggie, but I gotta go take this test.” He says it like Marissa has any clue about this damn placement exam even though she’s been knocked out all day. He promises he’ll be back when it’s over. Marissa doesn’t think it’s a good idea for him to come back again because that bitch Julie is scary.
Lor: Ahem, Exhibit A, now burned onto my retinas:
Stephanie: At the Cohen house, Seth tries to keep Mama Cohen distracted from finding out that Ryan has ditched his placement exam studying. He babbles on about how she can’t bring Ryan lunch because he’s studying nudie. The door bell rings and it’s Papa Cooper bringing all of his problems to Mama Cohen again. This time, he needs to speak to Sandy for advice on the whole losing his children thing.
Mama Cohen invites him in, but Papa Cooper is extra awkward because of that time they kissed each other. (S: AHEM, he kissed her, like a doucehy eyebrowless homewrecker.) (I don’t actually remember this since I fall asleep whenever he shows up.) They agree that the kiss was stupid, but it’s okay… but not okay… but okay. The discomfort is high with these two. Throughout this scene, there’s twinkly sentimental music playing, and it’s stupid because I’m pretty sure no one is emotionally invested in the parent plots. Just me? (L: Not the Kirsten and Jimmy one. I have feels for Kirsten and Sandy, though, I guess ’cause I’m almost 30.)
At the hospital again, Julie has decided she’s going to send Marissa to a recovery center in San Diego. I think Marissa is supposed to be upset by this news because she’s moving her face around a lot, but Mischa Barton is so bad at emoting that it’s hard to tell. She excuses herself to the bathroom, taking her cellphone with her. Julie pushes the sad flower into the garbage. I didn’t notice it was a sunflower, so I feel a kinda bad making fun of it before. But it’s still sad since it lives in the garbage now.
Seth is in his bedroom reading comics because he’s a nerdy nerd that nerds. Someone knocks on his door and he tells them to go away because he’s adopted Ryan’s nude studying habits. Turns out it’s actually Summer, who’s thoroughly grossed out by naked learnin’.
When she comes inside, the first thing she does is make fun of Seth’s toy horse (Captain Oats). It’s cute.
Sweeney: THE CUTEST.
Stephanie: She tells him that Marissa called to flip out about being shipped off to an “insane asylum”. They agree that they’ll need Ryan to help rescue her AGAIN and take Julie Cooper on. I’m not entirely sure why they need him, but I’m sure it’ll involve a plan that will make everyone think he’s a criminal. (L: Someone might get punched!)
The Law Offices of No One Cares. Sandy’s Co-Worker Lady Friend informs him that he’s doing his job wrong. He’s spent the entire day booking court dates instead of negotiating settlements. Settling means Sandy gets to handle lots and lots more cases and oh my gosh… why is this scene happening? Sandy explains that he thought he was hired because the firm needs a trial attorney. Co-Worker Lady Friend is like, “yeah, yeah, that’ll happen eventually, but for now: SETTLEMENTS.” Something like that. I blacked out.
Ryan is taking the placement exam when Seth and Summer storm in to tell him that Marissa is going to be committed. THIS IS NOT THE TIME, GUYS. Dr. Kim comes in and rightfully kicks them out. It’s too late though. Their brief appearance has planted the seeds of Marissa Feels into Ryan. He decides to ditch the exam to go help her because he’s dumb. Dr. Kim tells him that if he leaves, he’s not going to get another chance at Rich Kid High. Ryan is like, “DON’T CARE. MARISSA!” and leaves.
Lor: It’s like he Hulks out, but with brood.
Stephanie: At the hospital, Marissa is talking to a psych doctor in a pant suit about her many teenage life problems. Marissa gets uncomfortable and avoidy when Doctor Pant Suit questions her about her drinking habits. The questioning continues until Marissa says she doesn’t want to answer because anything she says will be used against her. Her mother would rather have her sent to a mental institution than deal with her problems. Doctor Pant Suit assures her that she’s only there to help. She says Marissa should tell her what’s really going on between her and her mother, but they’ll probably need a whole lot of time to sort through all of those issues.
In the hospital lobby, Seth and Ryan are waiting for Summer to join them so that they can break Marissa out. Right when they decide they can’t wait any longer, Summer appears in a candy striper outfit with a cart of books. The cut of the apron is really cute. I’d like a dress version, please.
They stroll on through the hospital because a candy striper outfit is all you need to get into all the parts of a hospital that you shouldn’t be in (see also: Pretty Little Liars).
In another hospital lobby, Julie and Papa Cooper are discussing options for Marissa’s care with Doctor Pant Suit. Julie wants to send her away, but Papa Cooper wants her to stay because of school and friends. When Doctor Pant Suit leaves, they continue to argue and then threaten each other with lawyers. Julie tells Papa Cooper that she’s going to speak to Marissa but sneaks off to Doctor Pant Suit instead. She tells her that both her and Papa Cooper have agreed to send Marissa away. What is wrong with this woman?
Moments later, Julie explains to Marissa that everyone has decided that sending her to San Diego is what’s best. Marissa is oddly calm and accepting about this. When Julie leaves, we find out it’s because Ryan was hiding in the bathroom again. He hands her a candy striper outfit and they have one of those awkward moments where the girl is getting naked and the guy is turned away definitely wanting to have a peeksy.
Outside, Seth and Summer are bonding over books. Seth is impressed that Summer has read Madame Bovary 5 times. They spot Julie coming down the hall with Doctor Pant Suit and Seth ducks away while Summer distracts them with questions about dreams she’s been having.
Meanwhile, Marissa is decked out in her not-obvious-at-all candy striper disguise. As she and Ryan open the door to leave, they find Luke standing there with flowers more impressive than Ryan’s Sad Sunflower. He tries to apologize about what a shithead he is but Marissa isn’t having it.
Seth appears behind Luke to warn them that Julie and Doctor Pant Suit are coming. Luke is momentarily thrown by the news that Marissa is running away and there’s a hilarious shot of Ryan and Seth making wide-eyed guilty faces. Instead of blowing the plan, Luke tells them the stairs are the best way to get out unnoticed. Thanks Luke, but you’re still a shithead.
At a Mexican restaurant, we’re back with all the parents again. No! Papa Cooper and Mama Cohen are there to meet up with Sandy. She tells Papa Cooper that they’re not interrupting because Sandy’s just having drinks with his associates. She’s taken aback when she realizes drinks with associates really means intimate margaritas with his attractive Co-Worker Lady Friend. (L: That hussy, Rachel!) Sandy is surprised to see the two of them and awkwardly introduces his wife to Rachel. Papa Cooper can’t handle all of the awkward, so he leaves. Wait, what? Then Mama Cohen leaves too. Why did they even show up? That was pointless.
Lor: Maybe it’s because they are old and sometimes old people wander into rooms and forgot why they went there.
Stephanie: Later, Papa Cooper enters his apartment. He’s holding takeout and I hope it’s Mexican food or that last scene really was useless. He turns on the light and finds Marissa and the gang sitting around in the living room. So that means they were all hanging out in the dark waiting for him. Weird. As the scene fades out, Papa Cooper makes a face like he’s disgusted to see everyone on his couch. The face acting on this show is excellent.
Lor: Jimmy Cooper Face: That couch is brand new and… ISN’T THAT THAT POOR KID?
Stephanie: Papa Cooper asks Marissa what she’s doing there. Things are about to get awkward for the 10th time in this episode, so everyone not part of the Cooper family decides to wait out in the car. Before exiting, Ryan throws Marissa a brooding love look.
Marissa hugs Papa Cooper and tells him she’s there because Julie was going to send her to San Diego. That’s news to Papa Cooper since he didn’t agree to it. Marissa says that she wants to live with Papa Cooper and Papa Cooper wants that too, but it’s more complicated than that when you have a crazy wife like Julie.
The phone rings and Papa Cooper takes the call outside. It’s Scary Julie. While Papa Cooper is explaining that he had nothing to do with Marissa’s escape from the hospital, Marissa makes a second escape from his apartment.
On a boardwalk, Ryan, Marissa, Summer, and Seth are discussing what to do about this whole mess while eating really tiny slices of pizza. Seth makes a joke about hiding her in one of his mom’s housing developments. Seth and Summer peace out to get more pizza because honestly, no one is getting full off of those mini-slices. Now that they’re alone, Ryan and Marissa get a chance to make meaningful faces at each other. Ryan says if she wants to run away, he’ll come. But Marissa doesn’t want to run away, she just wants her mom to listen to her.
Cohen house. Sandy comes home and Mama Cohen is on the couch looking pissed about those intimate margaritas she witnessed earlier. Sandy is equally irritated that she’s been spending so much time with Papa Cooper. Eventually, they both agree that they trust each other. That’s TV talk for “this marriage is doomed.” (S: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH. MY TV PARENTS WILL STAY TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER.) The phone rings and Sandy answers. It’s Ryan seeking help with Marissa. Sandy shares a valuable lesson that he learned from work earlier in the day: Don’t go to court. Just settle. Trying to make Sandy’s boring job plot relevant, I see.
Julie shows up to the Cohen house for The Marissa Settlement. She doesn’t want to discuss any of this with Sandy and especially not with Ryan. I don’t like her, but she has a point. Why are they all up in her business? I get that they want to help, but Marissa isn’t even there.
Eventually Marissa de-lurks after Sandy and Ryan have had a chance to work Julie up. Marissa says that she’ll see a therapist, but she wants to stay in the OC and live with her father. Julie’s all teary and looks like she might actually say something that won’t make me want to punch her, but instead she tells Marissa that this isn’t over, and leaves.
Lor: I really don’t understand what the plan was here. “Okay, let’s lure Julie into a house full of people she hates, have the person she hates most yell at her and THEN let Marissa show up, so maybe she’ll be so angry she’ll actually listen. YES.”
I’m glad that worked for them.
Stephanie: They pay Sandy money to put together these excellently thought out lawyer type things.
Ryan slowly approaches Marissa while making a really scary face. I think it’s supposed to be a romantic face, but he looks weird. I guess Marissa likes it since she gives him a kiss on the cheek. Ryan holds her and blinks rapidly.
By the poolside is a superior romantic subplot in the form of Summer and Seth. Mama Cohen comes out and tells Summer to take Marissa home to her father’s house. She and Seth make cute smiles at each other as she leaves. See, smiling and happiness is much cuter than disturbing faces of longing and angst. Mama Cohen wants to talk about the trip Tijuana. Seth corrects her on the proper Spanish pronunciation and tells her she’s so white. Seth is amazing. It’s like they have a different, better writer who writes all of his lines.
Back inside, Sandy confronts Ryan about skipping out on the placement exam. He thinks he should talk to Dr. Kim about everything that happened, but Ryan doesn’t think she’s going to want to hear it. Sandy lovingly accuses Ryan of being afraid of Dr. Kim when he shouldn’t be since he was able to take on Julie Cooper. Plus he has the support of an attorney if he needs it.
The next day at school, Sandy tries to get information about Summer from Seth. Seth doesn’t want to have love life conversations with his father, so instead they start lightly smacking each other, like fathers and sons do.
Ryan emerges from Dr Kim’s office. He’s has passed the placement exam and he’s all set to attend Rich Kid High. All that he needs now is his very own photo ID. This leads into a beautiful moment where Sandy pulls out his new job ID and Seth makes fun of his giant eyebrows. Sandy tells him his eyebrows are full of power. (S: The power of non-negligent parenting!) They walk off together to the beat of some cool tunes.
Next time: Ryan has a hard time fitting in at school and Summer wants to keep her friendship with Seth a secret in The OC S01 E09 – The Heights.
Stephanie (all posts)
I'm a miniature adult who still gets offered the kid's coloring menu at restaurants. I like to pretend I'm an illustrator, but mostly I spend my time complaining about TV on Twitter. My life dream is to have my consciousness placed into an android body so that I'll have more time to watch/read things.
Sweeney (all posts)
I collect elaborate false eyelashes, panda gifs, and passport stamps. I earned my MA in Global Communications and watching too many YouTube videos. Reconciling my aversion to leaving the house/wearing pants with my deep desire to explore everything is my life's great struggle.
Lorraine (all posts)
I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.