Previously: A lot more nothing. The pedolationship is happening in secret, Spencer was a BAMFy best friend, a PLL was framed for something, and an Aliback showed us that Ali was a weird sociopath. Same, same.
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The Naked Truth
Sweeney: Hanna is waiting outside the vice principal’s office with her mother as well as her new stepsister and stepmother. Everyone is silent and in various degrees of feels over the mass message of naked Kate. Hanna’s phone rings and Ashley gives her, “Don’t you fucking dare look at that phone,” face. The principal emerges and says, “Mrs. Marin,” which awkwardly gets a response from both his current and his ex wife.
The other three PLLs are looking at a red coat that Spencer picked up with Ali’s claim ticket conveniently tucked into Hanna’s stolen copy of Lolita. Aria doesn’t think Ali would wear it, but Spencer thinks that this is probably part of Wigison’s special separate wardrobe.
Lorraine: Definitely have to have a wardrobe that goes well with a wig, you know? You have to respect Wigison for her commitment.
Sweeney: They discuss all the trouble Hanna is in, adding that Spencer will probably be targeted as well, being the one who told Hanna about Kate’s embarrassing camp days. Aria finds a phone number tucked into a pocket of the jacket. Spencer and Aria want to call the number, but Emily is hesitant. They have some adorable banter and Emily caves when Spencer says she’s just too scared, which is cute and so fitting for the two more competitive PLLs.
She calls the number and gets what is supposed to be a computerized voicemail but is so clearly a person. Really, show? Sloppy. Aria grabs the phone and leaves a voicemail saying that it’s a friend of Vivian’s, asking for a return call on that number because it’s super important.
Sara: Not weird at all, girls. Man, they really suck at being Veronica Mars.
Sweeney: It’s hard when all but one of their fathers are total opposites of Papa Mars.
In the principal’s office the new stepmom goes for blood. I get that she’s protecting her daughter and that’s way important, but attacking her new stepdaughter to the principal feels catty and stupid. I mostly just hate her because she blames this on Ashley never being home and fuck that. YOU LEAVE ASHLEY MARIN AND HER MANY SANDY COHEN EYEBROWS OUT OF THIS, LADY. The principal agrees that these are special circumstances. Rather than expelling Hanna, he’s going to force the two girls to be partners in a special “Truth Up!” school-slumber-party-workshop that The Great Contrivance Spirit has scheduled for the next day.
SHHHHH.
Aria’s surprised that they still think Hanna sent that picture because she doesn’t realize that things don’t magically work out for everyone who isn’t her. Hanna’s not feeling particularly relieved about this conditional reprieve from expulsion, particularly since the power they thought they had from getting A’s phone was promptly proved useless by A turning Hanna’s phone against her. She then walks a different way to class because she doesn’t want to walk past the principal, Kate, and her stepmom.
Lor: Aria is wearing a crate’s worth of yellow highlighters for shoes. I was distracted in that scene.
Sweeney: Fair. I almost Birthday Cake badged her, but I would have had to look at them too long to make the image and I didn’t want to blind myself.
The girls then chat about this principal, who is responsible for keeping Emily and her orange jumpsuit off the swim team. I know this whole segment is all about introducing us to yet another voting-age person who can’t be trusted, but I will say again that criminal charges will get you kicked off most public high school sports teams! I’m sure he is evil because voting age also means CIGARETTE PURCHASING AGE, which, like, EVIL, but keeping a juvenile delinquent off a swim team and allowing a girl who harassed another student to get off with what amounts to a therapy session that reads as bonus punishment for the harassed student? Not evil things, show.
Sara: What if the girls are Pretty Little Liars? Still not evil? Huh.
Sweeney: Aria finds Age Appropriate Holden setting up stuff for Truth Up day. Aria helps him with butcher paper but tries to ask him questions about the bruises she spotted and who it is that he’s actually meeting during their secret fake dates. He says she knows enough and that’s their arrangement. He goes to get more supplies and she sees a suspicious plastic bag (drugs?) fall out of his bag. If you’re carrying drugs around school, you think you’d tuck them into your bag a little better than that.
Lor: For the record, “secure your drugs” is NOT official Snark Lady Advice.
Sweeney: Definitely not! “Don’t deal drugs,” is our official Snark Squad Advice. You can thank us for that with each passing day that you don’t get arrested.
Spencer is staring at Noel Kahn and Not-Blind!Jenna being touchy feely. She looks away only to run into Jason, who is at the Rosewood Center For Plot Devices to drop off some paperwork, tell Spencer to ask her dad to call him and stop dodging him, and be recruited as a volunteer for Truth Up day by Piper Mom who is whisked into the scene by The Great Contrivance Spirit.
Hanna is sitting in her room, brooding about her latest drama. Ashley comes in to get her good parenting on because Hanna is still her little girl. She says that she’s been giving Hanna space but maybe she should do a little less of that, since this isn’t the first time that Hanna has said that someone framed her. Hanna says that she can’t give her a name because there’s no name. She cries as Ashley says that she’s stuck because she’s given Hanna every opportunity to confide in her. She asks her again if she sent the picture out but Hanna doesn’t answer so she leaves. As she reaches the door, Hanna says she didn’t do it, but since she won’t say more, that’s little comfort for Ashley.
Lor: Every now and then the show gives us a legit reminder about how horrifying it is. So, like, friendly reminder that this is a teen soap opera about big time bullying, brought to you by Hanna Tears.
Sara: In any other situation, if a person said someone framed them two separate times and couldn’t come up with a name, you’d know they were lying. Poor Hanna.
Sweeney: Hanna Tears are so heartbreaking, too. PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP, SHOW.
The girls arrive at school with their sleeping bags in hand and Spencer informs them that Principal Evil is going to confiscate phones if they aren’t turned off. Aria stands in line and Holden tries to make small talk about how hard it must be for Aria to have Piper Mom patrolling her life at school and at home. LOL, as if Piper Mom has any fucking clue what’s happening in Aria’s life. Aria’s nonresponsive because she’s mad about him being a drug dealer. Holden says she’s way off about what was in the bag (L: Good & Plenty?) but Principal Evil appears to cut this conversation off before we can learn the actual answer.
Not-Blind!Jenna is playing piano in a classroom. (S: No terrible Aria karaoke scene?!) Caleb and Aria enter the room and are upset to learn that she is in their group. In the halls, Jason and Mariska Mom have an awkward encounter in which they learn that they’ll be in the same group too. Is the whole damn town coming to this weird event? They enter the classroom, which is the same one that Aria, Caleb, and Not-Blind!Jenna are in. Aria’s not pleased, but Caleb tells her that she doesn’t actually have the option to opt out of all things that displease her. Besides, he’s got a lot to say to some people, particularly ones who lie about disabilities.
In the cafeteria, Ashley is leading a bunch of students through an exercise. Mona is sassy and disrespectful, but Ashley pays no mind and asks the students, again, to take a step forward if they’d rather not be there. I call bullshit on the fact that only half of them step forward. The next step forward is for anyone who has ever felt personally victimized by Regina George. Sorry, wrong story. (L: But A+) It’s for anyone who has ever felt attacked by a student or faculty member and Emily, who is in her group, takes two because following directions is hard. She again takes two steps when asked about the school not being a safe and welcoming environment. She makes a lot of pointed looks at Principal Evil, who is observing, when she gives a speech about being tarnished after one mistake. That’s an interesting view of events. I would have assumed the stalking and death threats might be of greater concern in feeling “unsafe” than “keeping criminals off the swim team,” but that’s just me. Principal Evil pulls her aside to tell her that maybe her problem is that she’s made all of her classmates feel unsafe by being a criminal. He technically has a point, because that’s what I’ve been saying, but also he says it in that classic PLL this-person-is-evil sinister way.
Lor: Oh, I forgot to hey! him, but he’s totally the dad from Smart Guy.
Sweeney: Aria’s phone goes off and everyone gives her a pointed look. She says she forgot to turn it off and sees that she’s got a new message from A:
Across the room Not-Blind!Jenna is rummaging through her purse, but she just takes out some gum. But, like, in a super evil looking way. Her scary mouth manages to chew gum ominously.
Sara: It makes me never want to chew gum again.
Sweeney: In the courtyard, the students in a group consisting of Kate, Hanna, and Noel Kahn are tossing a ball around in an honesty game facilitated by Piper Mom. Kate wants to go back to her old school where people are nice. She also thinks that wronged students should get to decide the other kid’s punishment. LOL, K. Noel Kahn creeps about how hot Kate is, and that girls are extra evil.
Sara: The only way this could be scarier is if Noel Kahn was drinking a glass of milk while giving this speech.
Sweeney: A+
Hanna flips out that Noel Kahn is blackmailing scum, adding that Piper Mom has known her long enough to know she’s not a bully. She adds that she already knows what everyone thinks of her and storms off.
Later, Emily is returning from a break. Mona is doing her makeup and asks if she saw Hanna. When Em says that everyone thinks she sent the message, Mona nonchalantly says that people are toads. Emily goes on to say that she knows Mona overheard her chat with Principal Evil and goes on to apologize for how she behaved as Ali’s lackey. Good for you, Em. (L: Agreed! Em sure has grown on me.) Mona has her back to Emily so she gets to have a feelsy face moment before turning around to brush this off, saying it’s fine and Principal Evil is treating her super awful. Mona used to work in the office during homeroom and says that if Emily were a football player, she’d be back on the team already.
In Aria’s classroom, Mariska Mom is passing out magic markers so that students can write stuff on a wall honestly and anonymously. She offers to help Jenna, who brats about not trusting anyone in this school because of all the times she’s been attacked and references the slap in the bathroom. (L: AKA BEST DAY EVER.) Mariska Mom asks if she reported this (because, you know, slapping blind chicks will also get you in heaps of trouble) Caleb leans forward to say that she couldn’t because then she’d have to admit that she threw the first punch. He continues to give good boyfriend by adding that they should be telling the whole truth instead of just the parts they want to remember. Aria crosses her arms and sinks down into her seat making a face that is the perfect combination of “oh snap!” and “shit’s AWKWARD.” Your semi-regular reminder that while she’s annoying, she gives the BEST faces.
Lor: Caleb’s “THIS IS CALEB” is an awesome addition.
Sweeney: In the halls on what I assume is another contrivance break, Spencer corners Jason to ask why it’s so important that he talk to her dad. He doesn’t respond so she says that she knows about the will and what Shitbag Hastings risked to protect Jason, but she doesn’t know why. She also outs Mariska Mom’s earlier lie, saying that he’s not out of town, and Jason walks away without responding.
Aria and Emily are at their lockers talking about what happened in their respective groups. They duck into the bathroom to discuss their earlier call to Wigison’s friend. Emily still hasn’t received a call. Aria says they should call again and say that they are Wigison. She does, but this time a woman answers. Aria awkwardly says she left a message and the woman defensively says that nobody there knows anyone named Vivian/Wigison and she shouldn’t call there again. Their theorizing is interrupted by Emily being called to Vice Principal Evil’s office.
Outside, she runs into Holden who wants to sit and eat with her. She can’t because glass-in-her-hair/hand-shaving. He asks if they’re still on for Saturday and THIS BITCH gets judgey about covering for him. GIRL. You and your illegal pedolationship need to step the fuck off that high horse. It can’t hold the weight of your stupid secret. Holden says she needs him, and she’s all, “Nah, I’m good, because The Great Contrivance Spirit has my back.”
Sara: AKA Aria is A.
Sweeney: TOTALLY.
Up on the roof, Hanna is telling Caleb that even her mom thinks she’s guilty and he and the other PLLs are the only ones who believe her. She thinks that they should just run off to California. He asks for her phone so she can trace an IP address. She freaks out that somebody is up there and says that he can help her better by holding her and face-nomming. Hooking up with Caleb would make my whole life better too.
Lor: I really didn’t get the vibe that Ashley didn’t believe Hanna. Poor Ashley! She was trying so hard.
Sweeney: In VP Evil’s office, it turns out that Mona was the one to call Emily down there. That’s weird. Wouldn’t he hear the announcement? IDK. Whatever. Mona learned his password while she was on office duty and sits at his computer to get her hacker on.
Lor: All of her, “I’m so good at hacking, tracking and stalking!” comments make her seem even more A-like. I wish she weren’t so awesome.
Sweeney: Same! Mona, pick a side! Be awesome or shady! You are confusing my feelings!
Outside, the three Rosewood-bound PLL mamas are chatting about the craziness surrounding their daughters. Piper Mom believes that Hanna might have been framed. I want to say that gives her points, but it just speaks to her larger obliviousness, even if she is right. Ashley says that she thinks something bad is happening to their girls and that it started when they lost Ali. Mariska Mom says that whatever is going on started when they met Ali. Accurate.
Mona has them look up spring training schedules and spring training reports. They now have proof that VP Evil was accepting bribes to get booted students back on teams. Emily tells her to stop because bribing a school official doesn’t seem like the best way to clear her criminal name. Mona says she can’t be a shark (their mascot) if she’s toothless.
Mariska Mom returns to the classroom she’s supervising to find Jason in there, leaving a voicemail for Shitbag Hastings. He says something about how stuff has always been his business but he didn’t know until recently. Spencer starts to enter the classroom but stops short and stands in the hall to eavesdrop. The conversation is a lot of cryptic weirdness with Mariska Mom playing her secretive WASP card and Jason saying that people should admit to the truth and own up to things.
Outside, Spencer has an Aliback coming on! Ali is sitting on her bed reading Cosmo, lamenting women who think they can change guys (we feel you, Ali) while Spencer tries to study. Ali overhears Spencer’s parents fighting, but Spencer closes the door and insists its nothing. Melissa and Jason were caught making out, but it’s whatever because Melissa’s obsessed with Ian. They’re both over 21 so this should, in theory, be a non-issue. BUT WAIT. Ali says Melissa better not have a thing for Jason because:
EW. Also: A+ soap opera plot twist, show. LOL FOREVER. Traumaland had been so graciously incest free. This was bound to happen sooner or later and of course it was in Rosewood.
In the cafeteria, Hanna is staring at Kate as she takes off her sweater. She notices that Kate has a giant birthmark on her stomach that wasn’t visible in the naked photo. Aria and Emily are confused and don’t understand why A would improve Kate if A was trying to embarrass her. Hanna has to fill in the dots for them and suggest that maybe A wasn’t the one who sent the message.
After a Not Break, Hanna and Kate are in the bathroom and Kate sassily says it’s too late to demand an apology. Hanna tells her that she’s got a theory about who took that picture, and adds that she’s no stranger to the magic of Photoshop. Hanna says that she probably enhanced her boobs in addition to erasing the birthmark she just saw. She asks Kate why she did it and Kate snaps. Kate asks if Hanna expected her to just wait around for Spencer to send everyone photos from her embarrassing camp days. Then Hanna says she should really take a picture of her and asks Aria to borrow her phone. With that, Aria and Emily emerge from the stalls, phones out, recording that conversation.
Lor: QUICK GIRLS! SHOW SOMEONE BEFORE YOU LOSE THE EVIDENCE.
Sweeney: Hanna goes to find her mom so that she can hear that conversation. She adds that Aria, who is in Caleb’s group, needs to go find Caleb and tell him to stop trying to hack her phone and prove that Jenna did it.
In Aria and Caleb’s room, a special light is being held up to the many secrets. Mostly predictable things like virginity and family dramz. But then, of course, we get a murdery secret, because Rosewood. SOMEONE KNOWS WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. Also they know who killed Ali:
Aria enters to find that the secrets are being read by Jenna and Noel Kahn who are being #CREEPYASSHIT about how Caleb’s not in there and hopefully he was thrown out with the rest of the garbage. These two are creepy enough alone, but together, in a dark room, reading murder secrets? Ultimate creep.
The music and quick cuts tell us that dramatic things are about to happen. Aria looks for Caleb on the roof and there’s ominous wind. She props something in front of the door, which will almost certainly slam shut in a few quick cuts. Spencer comes up to Jason, who is sitting alone when she receives an A text:
Sara: LOL. I love when A is funny.
Sweeney: She tells Jason that she needs to ask him something but struggles to get the words out. She finally asks if Jason came back because they have the same father. She says that Ali told her along time ago but she just didn’t really hear until tonight.
On the roof, Aria calls out to Caleb and the door slams shut, because obviously. We see a shadowy figure. She pounds on the door, begging for someone to open it. We see a hoodie-adorned person walking around behind her. Aria eventually hears it too and when this person doesn’t respond, she decides to climb higher like an idiot. Noel Kahn grabs her foot as she climbs the ladder and asks where her pal Caleb is. Holden appears and roundhouse kicks him in the chest. It’s kind of awesome. Holden leads her back in the building as Noel insists that he wasn’t attacking her. Um, OK.
Lor: Right, you were just grabbing the kewpie doll forcefully and not letting go. Cool.
Sweeney: Inside, she asks where he learned to kick someone that way. She remembers the bruise and asks if this is part of his secret. He doesn’t answer and just says they should get away from there.
Downstairs everyone is setting up sleeping bags for the night. Mona comes to Emily and says she’s solved her problem without mentioning that they were in Vice Principal Evil’s office. She says she just knew because of how much football players talk off the field and now she’s back on the team. Mona says that she did this for her because it was fun and they’re friends now. She asks for a return favor: fashion advice for swim meets. This is is cute. Suspiciously cute, so I’m sure Mona’s secretly evil too. Until that reveal, though, I’m going to revel in the preciousness.
Speaking of things I want to revel in: Ashley meets Evil Step Monster outside Vice Principal Evil’s office. She tells her that in the future she should whiff the rotten fruit under her tree before making accusations. Boom. VP Evil, Hanna, and Kate emerge with Hanna looking smug and Kate defeated.
Lor: Ashley! Ashley! Ashley!
Sweeney: Elsewhere, Spencer is confronting Mariska Mom about this secret. She says she didn’t know until Jason was nearly an adult and by then she and her awful husband just talked it out and all was well. JFC, the track record for adult males in this town is bleak. Cheatery cheaters or pedophiles, one and all! That’s what grown men are like, tween girls of America! I can’t even. Spencer is understandably furious that they kept this secret from her and is not interested in going home to talk this out with her shitbag father. She storms off because her useless mother isn’t much better.
Sara: They really should have told them to, at the very least, keep the creepy brother-sister face nomming from happening. Awkward.
Sweeney: Right? How could they have justified keeping the secret then? Sorry, becausse they’re awful. I forgot.
We get a montage of all the various settings we’ve seen in this episode, now empty because night time and feelings! Spencer looks broodily out a window while everyone else sleeps on the floor of the cafeteria. How the hell can they make something like this mandatory? This makes no sense.
Emily wakes up and sees that she has 6 missed calls from the number in Vivian’s coat pocket. Because of reasons, this conversation wakes up the other PLLs but nobody else around them. Once they’re all up, she gets another call, which she answers. It’s a dude asking if this is Vivian’s friend and why she’s calling. Emily says she has a few questions and he does too but he doesn’t want to do this over the phone. He asks her to meet him and she agrees.
A-nonymous. The shaky A-cam walks through the cafeteria and looks at all the sleeping people. It pauses on Caleb before going into his bag and stealing his laptop. FOR FUCK’S SAKE, CALEB. YOU DIDN’T. I thought you were better than this.
So we are, once again, back to square one on the lost evidence. Yay. -_-
Next time: Caleb’s laptop ends up in the hands of Rosewood’s LOL PD in Pretty Little Liars S02 E20 – Ctrl: A
Sweeney (all posts)
I am a frequent traveler and sometimes sort of graduate student; I often wonder if YouTube/fangirl studies really counts as graduate school. I am deeply devoted to maps, glitter, and semicolons. I blog, watch, and read ALL THE THINGS to deal with my quarter-life crisis. It's going well so far.
Lorraine (all posts)
I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Sara (all posts)
I'm a married old lady of 24 who spends most of my time forcing my husband to watch teen TV dramas and gross reality shows. I work full time and consider myself "in between" semesters of college, because that sounds better than, "I have 8 classes left and just can't force myself to finish." There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.