Lord, how the day passes! It's like a life - so quickly when we don't
watch it, and so slowly if we do.
- John Steinbeck
My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
- Gilda Radner
"Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."
- Hedy Lamarr
Shlomo was driving home one evening when he suddenly remembered that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
So he drove to Brent Cross Shopping Centre and ran all the way to the toyshop.
"How much is the latest Barbie doll?" he asked the manager.
The manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the Gym' for £17.99, 'Barbie goes to the Dance' for £16.99,
'Barbie goes to the Shops' for £15.99, 'Barbie goes to the Seaside' for £18.99, and 'Barbie goes to the Barmitzvah' for £19.99.
We also have 'Divorced Barbie' for £350.00".
Shlomo is confused and asked the manager, "Why does ‘Divorced Barbie’ cost £350 when all the others are less than £20?"
"It’s simple," replied the manager, "divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
The following statements were found on patient's charts
during a recent review of medical records. These statements were
written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid)
a doctor or two at several major hospitals:
"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
1989 when she got a divorce."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy."
"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." "Bleeding
started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
stockbroker instead."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his
family in no distress."
Regards
George