Broken hearts, unfortunately, seem to be part of life. But how do we heal our broken hearts and alleviate the pain loss and rejection?
First things first: Do not tell yourself (or quit telling yourself) that you are too anything—like too dumb, fat, short, or tall. Don’t believe the lie from yourself or anyone else that you are worthless as an individual so you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Such thoughts are lies of your enemy, the devil, whose mission is still to kill and destroy.
As a Christ-follower, remember who and whose you are. You are created in God’s image, the Greek word used is one from which we get the word icon! Embrace the fact that you have value. See yourself as God sees you!
After break-ups, I learned to tell myself that the other person wasn’t God’s Best for me and neither was I God’s Best for them. And that is just fine.
Create A Safe Place
All of us need to have or create a safe place for healing from wounds and from life in general. If you have a family or close friends that love you enough to tell you what you may not want to hear, but need to hear, then you have a safe place for healing.
With the help of family or close friends, evaluate this relationship and its demise objectively. Where did you meet: church, work, or a bar? You ask, “What possible difference does that make?” Where you frequent speaks to who you are and your character. Whether you realize it or not, you are advertising. When you are advertising, you can’t always control who answers your ad.
Don’t Underestimate the God Factor
If you don’t have this support base, you can possibly create one by finding one or two people you can help, even though you are struggling yourself. Joseph of the Bible did this after he was unjustly imprisoned. Instead of having a pity party, he helped two other inmates, one of whom returned the favor two years later.
If you don’t have this, ask God for such a friend with whom you can confide. But equally as crucial is a friend who’ll tell you what you need to hear. If it is with the opposite sex, be careful because you are often more vulnerable than you think! For some of you, this is totally out of your comfort zone, and I hear you. Contemplate reaching out to a married couple from church for help.
With or without a human support base, God can always touch our spirit if we put ourselves in position to fellowship with Him. Malachi 4:2 says, “But to you who fear My name, the sun of righteousness shall arise with healing in His wings…”
Assess and Learn
Begin your healing process to get clarity as to why the break up happened. Consider it as a relational exit interview. If possible, discussing the break up over a dinner or cup of coffee could actually help speed up the healing process. It isn’t always possible, but talking civilly and if possible, face-to-face with your ex to hear his/her perspective could be incredibly helpful—not only for your immediate need of healing and closure but also for success future relationships.
Frustration in relationships frequently comes from not knowing exactly what or why something happened. You may not agree with the reasoning, but at least having some kind of explanation can keep you from going crazy by wondering why.
Other questions to assess yourself:
What initially attracted you to this particular person?
Did this individual possess similar characteristics of others you have dated?
What were your ex’s strengths and weaknesses?
How did they compliment your strengths and weaknesses?
What did being in this relationship do for you?
Are you better or worse for having dated this person?
Did this person influence you to be more Christ-like or not?
Did you help your former significant other become more Christ-like or not?
Did you lower standards to date this person? If you lowered your standards, why? Was it worth it?
Did you part as friends or do you never want to see this person again?
Did dating this person better prepare you for marriage?
What is your mindset about beginning a new relationship?
Slowing down before jumping into a new relationship and waiting until you are emotionally healthier is another benefit of this process.
Possible signs you haven’t healed
If you are still in pain years after the break-up, or if being in a relationship or being married is more of a priority than your personal relationship with Jesus Christ, then you don’t have closure or are harboring angry or wounded emotions toward your ex. Initiating a new relationship just so you won’t have the “single” status is actually a selfish motive. Selfishness kills relationships!
A break-up isn’t the end of your world. Don’t let the pain of your past punish your present or paralyze and pervert your future because you have a Godly destiny.
In your experience, what has been the most difficult part of healing a broken heart after a break-up? Answer in the comments below, and you will be entered to win Clarence Shuler’s book, Single and Free to Be Me. The contest ends on Monday, October 21st at noon (CST).
About the author: Clarence Shuler is the President and CEO of BLR: Building Lasting Relationships. You can visit his website, ClarenceShuler.com, or follow him on Twitter @clarenceshuler.
Photo credit: Helga Weber
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