In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!
Evander Jones: Just to start things off, some people say that Homecoming Court is just a popularity contest that doesn’t really reflect the Northwestern community. I don’t have a question here, I just wanted to inform you that there is dissent among your potential subjects.
Tori Zuzelo: Okay… Am I supposed to respond to that? I would say not, because I don’t really think I’m that popular, so…
Evander: Well, you got on Homecoming Court.
Tori: I think it’s because I’m involved in a lot of things, not necessarily that well liked.
Evander: What all are your involved in?
Tori: I am involved with Mayfest, I’m in a sorority, I do CASE, I’m involved with ASG, I was a Senator, and I’m involved with the Contemporary Thought Speaker Series.
Evander: Shit, I barely even do Sherman Ave. So Mayfest, I keep forgetting, who’s coming this year for Dillo?
Tori: Chet Haze. We spent the entire budget on him.
Evander: If elected, would you rule the Homecoming Court like Roberts on the Supreme Court, or like LeBron James on the hardwood court?
Tori: Hmm, that’s interesting. I would say probably neither. I don’t think I’d really rule the Homecoming Court. Just because you win it I don’t think you get to rule the people. But, I’d probably be more of a Michael Jordan than a LeBron.
Evander: What’s the difference between your style and LeBron?
Tori: I don’t think I want to be hated by an entire city in Ohio. I think I’d rather be loved by all of Chicago than hated by everybody in Ohio.
Evander: Who would you say has been the biggest influence on your life in the past 14 minutes?
Tori: Probably the person at Plaza Cafe that sold me a water. Because I had a formal last night, so I’m struggling a bit. The most influential person was the person who gave me water, because that’s easily the most important thing that’s happened to me in the past 14 minutes.
Evander: I’m glad you enjoyed your formal. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had two midterms and a paper due tomorrow and then an exec meeting until nine but a dinner date that he really cannot cancel?
Tori: I’d probably say none. That’s a lot, so none. Although maybe in the last minute he’d try and chuck one piece of wood, just to say that he did it.
Evander: If you had to kill, fuck, and marry one of the members of the Homecoming Court, who would they be?
Tori: I don’t think I’d kill any of them. Probably, hmmm, there’s a lot of excellent people that I would sleep with on the Homecoming Court. I’ll skip that one… Marry? Hmm, I’d probably marry Demitri. I feel like that would be a really fucking awesome marriage.
Evander: It would be high energy
Tori: Definitely. It would be always keeping it real time, and doing a lot of spontaneous things.
Evander: Can you compare your family to the Bluth family?
Tori: Yes, I definitely can. My sister is kind of a bitch, so I can see that. I love her to death, but she’s also a bitch. My brother’s probably like Buster–he’s the younger baby brother so he has some attachment issues. My mom is not as terrible, but… she can get a little nitpicky. I like to think that I’m like Michael, but then again I’m sure my sister would say that she’s like Michael and that I’m the bitchy sister. I hope I don’t raise my son like that.
Evander: Have you dated a lot of British mentally-challenged people?
Tori: Yeah, occasionally. It’s happened a few times. I got a little confused. You know, with the accent you just never know. I am very drawn to the British accent, so I can totally relate to that.
Evander: I’m sorry that you have to go to Northwestern then. What’s your least favorite Native American tribe?
Tori: I would have to say that I like all of them, except for the Blackhawks, because I don’t like the Blackhawks, because I’m a Flyers fan.
Evander: You can leave now if you’d like. You’re from Philadelphia? When was the last time you threw a D battery at Santa Claus?
Tori: That was last Christmas. I actually switched recently from D batteries to nine-volt.
Evander: When was the last time you stood in the shower for hours on end, listening to Adele and just weeping? Because that’s what I was doing right before you walked into Sherman Ave HQ for this interview.
Tori: I didn’t shower today, but yesterday was the last time I’ve had that happen.
Evander: What was the cause?
Tori: Just because. There’s never a bad reason to listen to Adele and start crying. Sometimes, it just needs to happen. You just need to let the emotion go sometimes.
Evander: Are you an orange glow-stick kind of person or a pink glow-stick kind of person?
Tori: I want to say pink. I am wearing orange now, but I realize that I look terrible in it.
Evander: Nonsense. What is your favorite bar in Evanston or Chicago, and what does it say about you?
Tori: So my favorite bar in Evanston probably has to be the movie theater bar, the Rhythm Room. It’s super fucking classy, and also so random. Like, why would you have a bar in a movie theater?
Evander: Now you can take your drinks into the theater!
Tori: It’s an excellent place with a lot of high class people.
Evander: Clearly you haven’t been there when I’ve been there. What are your thoughts on updog?
Tori: Updog? Oh, I get it. What’s up dog. Yeah.
Evander: Fuck. Do you have a favorite Sherman Ave article or feature?
Tori: I’m trying to think. I really enjoyed the ones you did on the ASG candidates, that’s the most recent one I can think of. It was pretty hilarious. I liked that you made that into a fun situation and took a lot of the seriousness out of it.
Evander: Speaking of ASG, who do you think is least-qualified to lead a diversity task force?
Tori: I’m going to go with no-comment on that. But it’s an interesting situation.
Evander: I guess this interview will be published in the fall, so it won’t even be relevant by then. [LOL]
Tori: If we even pick somebody by then.
Evander: What else remains on your Northwestern bucket list?
Tori: Well, I tried to break into the steam tunnels last week, but there was three feet of water, so that was a fail. Then, same evening, I tried to climb Swift and also failed. So both of those are still on the bucket list. Hopefully I’ll get them when it’s no longer raining or flooding and I can find the wall.
Evander: You’re involved in both A&O and Dillo. Can you describe your ideal Dillo Day lineup?
Tori: My ideal Dillo Day lineup would one be Eminem, because I’ve been in love with him since fourth grade.
Evander: You and Reggie Hearn have that in common.
Tori: I literally have his Show cd, the edited version because my parents wouldn’t let me buy the real one, still on my iPod. I still don’t know what the real words to the songs are. Then probably Beyonce and the hologram of Tupac. Then actually Baha Men, I think they’d be really great. They’d be like the throwback, the Smashmouth slot.
Evander: What other songs does Baha Men have besides Who Let the Dogs Out?
Tori: I mean, you can loop that song for a while.
Evander: So you’re taking one of the Homecoming Court members out on a date. Who do you take, what do you do with them, you know, what does the night consist of?
Tori: I think I would take Kiley Naas out on a date. She’s PWild, so I know they do some freaky stuff there.
Evander: It’s pretty easy to get PWild kids naked, or so I hear.
Tori: Exactly. That’s why I’d take her out. All I would have to do is ask and then she probably would. So… I would do that. I would probably, since she’s on PWild but she’s also a theater person, I’d try and mix that up a little bit. I’d try and take her to an outdoor theater show. I don’t know if those exist because I’m not the outdoor person–outdoors or theater.
Evander: Okay so I’m just gonna paint a little word picture for you here. It’s Homecoming Weekend. It’s the night of the football game and you show up at Ryan Field ready to go, only to find that there are tens of thousands of Buckeye fans littering our stands. Do you use the threat of legal action to get rid of the assholes? Physical aggression? Emotionally destroy them?
Tori: At first I think I’d try an emotional approach. If that doesn’t work, I’d go Philadelphia on them and approach it from the asshole perspective. Like a typical Philadelphia sports fan. Maybe I’d projectile vomit on them.
Evander: So which celebrity from Philadelphia to you most identify with?
Tori: There are so many great people from Philadelphia. I’d probably say Kobe. He’s from my district. I’m definitely not as good as basketball as him, but I’d pretend to be. And whenever I piss somebody off, I try to buy them a million dollar ring too. That’s how I approach conflict resolution.
Evander: I hope you also haven’t been accused of sexual assault.
Tori: Only, like, four times. It’s fine.
Evander: Karl Marx once said that social progress can be measured exactly by the progress of the fair sex, the ugly ones included. Can you discuss that quotation?
Tori: I would say that Karl Marx was a little bit of a douche. I knew he had something against rich people, but I didn’t know that he also had something against ugly people. That would be my reaction to that quote.
Evander: He is quite the twat. What’s the hardest class you’ve ever taken at Northwestern?
Tori: The hardest class I’ve ever taken was probably MENU math, and that was horrible because you totally get roped into it as a freshman thinking, “I’m smart, right?” And then you realize that everybody at Northwestern is way smarter than you.
Evander: The IRS scandal is really messed up, right?
Tori: Yeah.
Evander: With that in mind, I’d like to ask you how you would go about persecuting right-wing groups if you were elected Homecoming Queen?
Tori: I would make them watch Inconvenient Truth. I think that would be punishment enough for them.
Evander: Do you really think Al Gore is that boring? And can you guarantee that you wouldn’t be as incompetent so as to get caught?
Tori: Caught targeting right-wing groups? Yeah, I’d probably wear a mask. A ski mask and gloves that are a size too small, just in case something happens and I have to leave them behind and I can be all like “the glove don’t fit, wasn’t me.”
Evander: Wow, you’ve really thought this one out.
Tori: Yeah, it’s definitely the route I’ll take.
Evander: Have you ever felt personally victimized by Patricia Telles-Irvin?
Tori: No, but I do have this really great picture of her from when she taught at Florida, and I sort of felt victimized by it, but only because it’s such a hilarious picture.
She’s posing with an alligator in the most sensuous pose imaginable. I’ve never really felt victimized, but if I had to choose a time when I felt most victimized it would be that picture.
Evander: Imagine how the crocodile felt. So why did you choose to come to Northwestern?
Tori: I chose to come here because my sister went here–I originally had no intention of coming to Northwestern at all–but I visited for a Passion Pit concert and my mom made me go to all the typical college visit stuff if I went to the show. I came from a school that really had no school spirit, so it was nice to see 2300 people there having a fun time. People really care about Northwestern, and everybody has some sort of student group commitment going on.
Evander: I also have a younger sister who’s about to start at Northwestern. Do you have any advice for how I can stop my roommates from discussing about her around me?
Tori: I would say maybe spread a rumor that she has herpes. It’s usually a huge deterrent that could prevent your roommates from trying anything.
Evander: Thanks. If one of the First Ladies in American history could be your economics TA, who would you most want it to be?
Tori: Nancy Reagan. Probably her. She dated an actor, and I want to learn how to do that. I’d get some economics advice and also some dating advice.
Evander: Can you talk about your favorite Ke$ha song, and how it represents what you’ve learned throughout your life about overcoming adversity?
Tori: Oh God. I would have to say her first big one. The one where she talks about brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack. I would say that song is indicative of a certain phase in my life when I realized that I probably should get my life together. If anything the fact that I could relate to some parts of her songs was indicative of the fact that my life was heading in the wrong direction, or that I should at least change some of my habits.
Evander: So you’re getting married, and your spouse wants to spend a week-long honeymoon in a place without electricity. But the chosen week of said honeymoon is during Shark Week. How do you respond?
Tori: We probably would have to get a temporary annulment. Because I need to watch Shark Week. Or… if there’s no electricity I’d bring fully-charged iPads to be able to watch all episodes. Hopefully there’s cell phone service, even if there’s no electricity.
Evander: I have a list in my possession that confirms that over 50 members of A&O are certified hipsters. How do you respond to these allegations?
Tori: I can neither confirm nor deny your claims.
Evander: A&O is also responsible for bringing Ludacris to campus recently. How do Ludacris’ lyrics speak to you on a personal level?
Tori: Some times when I’m walking down Sheridan I can really channel my inner Ludacris and just be like, “Move, bitch.” People will sometimes just stop and start talking and I really just need to bring those lyrics in and, maybe not necessarily say it because I don’t want to be hated by everyone, but I need to channel those lyrics into my life.
Evander: Just a few more questions. Homecoming Queen entails a very important responsibility, so I was just wondering how you would use your new clout to come up with a solution to the crisis in Syria right now.
Tori: I think to solve that problem, and as Homecoming Queen it’s a serious responsibility, I would totally start a petition. I know that Morty is a big fan of them. So I would use my political clout as Homecoming Queen to start a petition, because those really get a lot of people going.
Evander: So back to the fuck portion of the fuck, marry, kill–
Tori: Oh man I was thinking about this. I’ll go with Tim Smith. He’s an athlete, probably has a better body than most Northwestern students. I haven’t been able to see it, but I have to assume that underneath–he’s a swimmer, so extrapolating from all those pictures I’ve looked at of Michael Phelps, he has to look something like that underneath.
How do you guys come up with these questions? Do you get drunk first?
Evander: There’s a lot of drinking involved. And a heinous google doc. Anyways, who’s your favorite ethnically ambiguous character from the Harry Potter series?
Tori: I’m not a huge Harry Potter fan–
Evander: Do you even want to be elected!?
Tori: See, I prefer Star Wars, I’m a pretty big Star Wars fan. I can do ethnically ambiguous Star Wars character. Probably Jar Jar Binks. He’s probably also the most disliked character in the Star Wars series, so I feel like he deserves a little bit of love.
Evander: Would you say that Phantom Menace was the best Star Wars film, or just the greatest movie ever made?
Tori: I would probably go with the latter. The greatest film ever made. Probably has the potential to be better than the seventh one. Since Disney’s doing it, I’m hoping they’ll open a part of Disneyland devoted to Star Wars. Maybe they’ll have a carbonite freezing station.
Evander: Last question. What’s your favorite thing about yourself, and how would that make you a great Homecoming victor?
Tori: I think my favorite thing about myself is that I’m not the typical Homecoming Queen whatsoever. I’m definitely not the most proper or well-spoken. Most people would say that I’m pretty awkward and weird–
Evander: You’d be great for Sherman Ave.
Tori: I think that I’m not perfect in any sort of way and I don’t pretend that I am. Which hopefully makes me a better candidate and that Northwestern will appreciate that about me.
