It's BACHELOR DAY! WOOHOOOOO!
However, if you're not a Bachelor fan and/or just don't enjoy the recaps....scroll to the bottom!
I've got an EPIC SALE ALERT that you aren't going to want to miss!
OKAY! BACHELOR TIME!
The show opens at dawn with Jimmy Kimmel tippy toeing down the glistening cobblestone driveway to wake Prince Farming from a deep slumber to let him know that he's "there to help".
We're 4 seconds in to the episode, and I'm pumped.
Jimmy heads to the mansion to meet the "sister's wives" (ha!). He introduces himself, let's them know he's going to be around this week, and tells them about his "amazing jar". Basically, every time somebody says "amazing" they have to put $1 in the jar. It was $amazing.
He leaves a date card for the ladies that says
"You and Chris are about to join an exclusive club. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings, and unlimited hors d'ourves await."
Kaitlin gets the date and her heart just about beats out of her chest as her eyes simultaneously pop out of her head.
Kaitlin's 1:1
Chris and Kaitlin are in the limo and trying to figure where in the world they might be going.
They're not really sure, but they are thinking it's going be somewhere super extravagant.
And get this. They pull up at Costco.
I tip my hat to Kimmel for this little bit of genius, and this is what their faces look like when they realize where they are.
$amazing
They had a list of things to get that Jimmy suggested including beef jerky (I'm gonna be honest, I wouldn't mind some beef jerky right now.), a tub of mayo, and "enough ketchup to fill a hot tub".
Kimmel said that he wanted them to go on a realistic date, but I want you wives out there to raise your hands if your hubby goes to the grocery store with you.
Bueller? Bueller?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
(Just an aside, this past weekend I went to the grocery store and left my list at home. I considered going back to the house to grab it, but I pressed on and shopped without it. And I feel like it should be noted that I only left ONE THING off the list. ONLY ONE THING! I was one with my list.)
What Kaitlin doesn't know now is that once she has kids, a trip to the grocery store ALONE is better than an invitation to the fantasy suite.
#amirightoramirightladies
They cooked dinner together and then did some kissin' on the patio waiting for Kimmel to arrive.
They both agreed that helicopters, bungee jumping, and hidden waterfalls are so 2014 and that Costco is WHERE IT'S AT.
Kimmel gets there and catches their little make-out session on the couch.
He announces that his main objective of the night is to make people super uncomfortable.
And then he just dives right in.
Kimmel asks Kaitlin if she'll be mad if she gets a fantasy suite date and then finds out that he has made "sweet sweet love" (his words, not mine) to all of the girls, including herself.
She said she wouldn't be mad.
KAITLIN!
GIRLFRIEND!
DON'T YOU THINK THE FARMER KNOWS TO NOT BUY THE COW IF HE CAN GET THE MILK FOR FREE?!?!?!?!
HE'S A FARMER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
Kimmel gives Prince Farming a high five, gives his 100% endorsement to Kaitlin for the fact that she is totally fine with the whole fantasy suite scenario, and does everything but bust out with the Canadian National Anthem.
#ohcanada
Lots of inappropriate jokes and awkward laughter ensue.
And I know Kimmel's goal was supposed to make them uncomfortable...and I'm not sure if they were ever uncomfortable...but I know that I was.
So.....
#mission accomplished
Okay everybody, time to start squirting that ketchup in the hot tub.
Group Date Time!
The card says "Are you ready to meet some real party animals?"
Jillian prepares by bench-pressing 10x her body weight and doing 3,000 squats.
After all, her hiney is going to have to be in tip top shape for her "shorts".
The girls arrive at the date, and Kimmel announces that it's the Ho Down Throw Down.
And I totally lol.
These are the 12 GIRLS that are on this date.
And I'm giving the side eye to their outfit choices.
Sidenote: I know I did a post on mixing PLAIN with FANCY this past fall, but Jillian took it to another level with her STAY CLASSY tee (um, really?), her "shorts", and her statement necklace. But since I'm scared of her, I'm going to go ahead and say that she looks smashing.
I do however love her hair. Look how pretty and shiny it is. Yep, I want her hair.
They are going to have to perform various countrified tasks in the Ho Down Show Down:
shucking corn
gathering an egg from a chicken coup and frying it up
milking AND DRINKING warm goat's milk
shoveling manure
and catching a greased pig
Um, can somebody call wardrobe?
When Carly is milking the goat, she tells us that only one of it's teets is working.
And to all of the moms out there who are currently nursing or have ever nursed, I know that there are some of you that all of a sudden feel a special kinship to the goat.
#myleftonedidn'talwayswork
#teetproblems
The girls are doing their best to keep down the WARM goat's milk.
#gag
And here's the deal.
I'd puke if I had to drink a cup of ice cold organic milk with homemade chocolate chip cookies.
And still, I'd rather have a nice warm glass of unpasteurized goat's milk date than have to go on the ride the tractor in the bikini date.
My Name is Carly, It's Nice to Meet You powers through it even though she is #lactoseintolerant.
That should be fun later.
And then Jillian jumps the fence to get to the final leg of the Ho Down Throw Down.
And it was epic.
They even put it in slow-mo.
Still, My Name is Carly It's Nice To Meet You pulls it out, and gets a blue ribbon.
They head to a rooftop for a group date cocktail party.
Carly pulls him away for some 1:1 time, says "You are a man, and I am a woman", and then she plants one on him.
And I hid under my kitchen table.
And my shoulders went up by my ears.
And then he danced with Amber and kissed her.
And then he kissed Jillian.
And then Mackenzie confronted him about all the kissing.
And it's official.
Mackenzie is in the 5th grade.
And what's the deal with Jillian and Britt? EVERY SINGLE TIME they show them they are pretty much spooning.
Cut back to the house.
Kaitlyn is still wearing her white crop top, and Whitney gets the 1:1.
Whitney and Chris hop in a limo and head off to a winery.
Whitney is wearing white jeans, a neon pink tee, and a denim vest....and even though I'm not totally digging the outfit (I'm not generally a fan of a denim vest), something about it feels familiar to me.
A quick blog search and I find this....me in my MUST HAVE denim jacket a couple of years ago.....with white jeans.....and a neon pink tee.
And I feel like Whitney and I might be soul sisters.
FASHION SIDENOTE:
If you've been reading the blog for awhile now, you know that THIS denim jacket was the very first MUST HAVE I ever named. It sold out almost immediately, and then it was back in stock FOR A HOT MINUTE back in March of last year.
But hold on ladies.....I found out last night that the MUST HAVE denim jacket is BACK IN STOCK!
It is one of the Top 5 FAVORITE ITEMS in my closet.
Get it HERE.
(This is the original MUST HAVE picture!)
For size reference, I have a small in the jacket. It is quite fitted, but I like it that way! I think the more fitted cut is what makes it so cute and different from lots of other denim jackets out there that all tend to be a little too boxy for my taste. I found that there wasn't a lot of difference between the sizing in the jackets, so I would say either go with your regular size or size up one size.
{And if you're new here and you want to see my other MUST HAVES, click HERE for a quick review! Many of them are still available!}
Okay. Enough Fashion. For now.
Back to my denim soul sister.
Whitney's voice is definitely down a couple of octaves, and I'm appreciative.
There's a wedding going on behind them, and she suggests crashing it because YOLO.
They change their clothes, get a random gift, and head to the wedding.
And I'm guessing they are both hoping for crab cakes and an open bar.
#becausethat'swhati'dbedoing
The cameras don't follow them in, but there are some producers with some mad cell phone ninja skills capturing some moments for us.
And as a couple? Well, they looked FAB.
As they are walking into the wedding, they start making up a scenario for their wedding crasher personas....
Whitney says, "Let's be from Vermont. And let's own an emerging maple syrup conglomerate."
Chris fires back with "I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. "
Oh wait.
They didn't say that.
#i'mabigWeddingCrashersfan
Chris is HORRIBLE at crashing weddings.
But Whitney? SHE'S A BOSS.
And about 30 seconds into the reception, I want to be her bestie and go crash weddings with her.
And I feel like now is as good a time as any to tell you.....a buzzed Sheaffer is ALL SORTS OF FUN.
If you didn't already know that, file it away for future reference.
Exhibits A and B Your Honor.
(This is me with some college friends a couple of years ago at our friend Heather's wedding! Hi Stephanie, Lindsay, and Jamie!)
That's right.
I'M A BALL AT WEDDINGS.
They hop on the dance floor, and I'm a BIG OL' FAN of Dancing Chris.
He had some fun moves and it just looked like a great time.
And I felt like FOR ONCE we were actually spontaneously getting a glimpse into what 2 real people that are really trying to get to know each other looks like!
This is how I felt about their whole date.
#weddingcrashersforever
#mazeltov
The wedding ends and Whitney gets a rose.
YAY!
Cut to Chris taking another outdoor shower.
Pan out...and there's Kimmel.
$amazing.
Kimmel shows up to talk to the ladies, and I wish he would have brought a make-up artist with him to host a quick seminar about how LESS IS MORE.
He let's everybody know that there's not a rose ceremony (gasp!), but there IS a pool party (gasp!).
#genieinabottle was upset because she was planning on doing her Kardashian look today. And I totally lol'd. What does that even mean?
The pool party starts, and Chris does a CANNONBALL!!!!!! Like all good bachelors before him and Ron Burgundy.
Right after the cannonball Juellia pulls Chris aside to talk about her husband's suicide, and I'm thinking this isn't the right time.
However, as she's talking, I start to like her more.
This poor girl has been through a lot and she seems very real and very sweet. I just want to hug her.
Prince Farming was completely respectful and seemed to handle himself (and her) just right.
Britt got some alone time, and when he was in mid-sentence, she stuck her tongue down his throat.
Jade bounces in wearing a black lace bikini, an open floral robe type thing (it confused me), and stripper heels.
No ma'm.
I will give the girl points for no head jewelry.
She asks him for a tour of his pad.
And then they "try out" the bed.
And I'm left wondering if ABC's black box guy has fallen asleep on the job?
At one point, I think I'm looking at straight up boob, but upon further inspection, it looks like the black lace portion of her swimsuit is riding up (after she bounded on to the bed) and that we are just looking at the nude portion under the lace. Whew!
And is it me, or do these next two shots look like the cover of a romance novel?
And remember, don't panic....that's nude swimsuit material that you are looking at.
I promise.
I rewound and paused it enough times to be totally sure.
What can I say? I'm nothing if not thorough.
When they emerge from the bachelor pad, Jillian is there waiting in the hot tub and she's ready to pounce. Prince Farming hops in with her, and then 3 girls appear (#genieinabottle, 5th grade Mackenzie, and Megan).
Jillian explains that she just started her time with them, and the other 3 girls back down and all jump out of the hot tub.
See? It's not just me that's scared of Jillian.
She wastes NO TIME.
Jillian and Chris hang out a bit.....they make out a bit..and then 5th grade Mackenzie pops back in to the hot tub. And even though the other 2 girls follow suit, Jillian has a death grip on Prince Farming's upper thigh and she isn't letting go.
#genieinabottle is about to lose it.
She starts bawling, and I'm worried about her eye health. Because all that mascara can't be good for your retinas.
When Chris arrives back at the house, #genieinabottle immediately grabs him and runs him up to the balcony. And then she starts crying, she seems to have difficulty breathing, and I'm thinking "CHRIS - YOU'VE GOT A STAGE 5 CLINGER HERE"!
But he doesn't care, and they make out.
Who gets a rose and who goes?
ROSE:
Jade
Samantha - who?
Juellia
Becca
Mackenzie - for realz?
Kelsey
Britt
Megan
My name is Carly, it's nice to meet you.
Whitney - because DUH
#crazyeyes
Nicki - who?
Jillian
#genieinabottle
Buh-Bye:
A blonde girl that I've never seen before (that was rocking a side pony of sorts).
A DARLING brunette that I've never seen before.
Amber.
The episode ends and I'm left with one question....
WHO DECIDED TO MEDICATE #crazyeyes?
Her crazy was totally contained in this episode, and I'd be lying if I said a part of me didn't miss it.
#bringbackfullfledgecrazyeyes
#please
#don'tmakemestartapetition
If it's your first week here, don't worry, you can catch up on the previous weeks!!!!!!
Click HERE to see the review of the Season Premier.
Click HERE to read the review for Episode 2 and see why all of the girls are aghast!
In conclusion,
Sheaffer + Whitney = Love Forever
xoxo,
Sheaffer :)
p.s.
There is an EPIC SALE going on at LOFT!
EVERYTHING IN THE BELOW COLLAGE IS BETWEEN $15-$20!
Now, I will say this....after posting the sale on facebook last night, I did have a reader point out that everything ending in .88 is FINAL SALE!
So....almost everything is FINAL SALE!
NEVER MIND! I just got this e-mail this morning:
Hey Sheaffer! You made me nervous when you said everything at loft that ended is .88 was final sale so I called to check my order and they said it's not, it's only if it ends in .88 before any type of promotion which in this case these prices are ending in .88 because of the promotion! Whew!! Just thought you might want to pass that along!
THANK YOU ASHLEY FOR THE HEADS UP!
a) wavy pointelle sweater HERE (5 colors!)
b) animal jacquard sweater HERE (3 colors!)
c) pale pink waterfall cardigan HERE
d) stripeblock sweater tunic HERE (2 colors!)
e) waterfall cardigan HERE
f) lou and grey pocket pants HERE
g) quilted slim ankle pants in julie fit HERE
h) jacquard slim ankle pants in Marisa fit HERE
i) lou and grey striped shirt dress HERE
j) relaxed skinny cords HERE
SHOP THE ENTIRE SALE HERE
(several different waterfall cardigans to choose from on page 3!)
p.p.s.
If you're not a regular PTMT reader, but you LOVE leggings, click HERE to skim through Monday's post. Because my new leggings? LIFE CHANGING.
Click HERE for the leggings.
Click HERE for my full review of the leggings in the post (and for links to other items I'm wearing).
p.p.p.s.
And I'm wearing the same leggings above to work out in here!
Click HERE to see me reviewing lots of Zella work-out gear! That post will also give you a little peak into my continuous weight loss struggle that I deal with every year!!!!!!
The post will also give you links to lots of great work-out gear choices if you are in the market!
If you aren't currently on a health kick, well then please eat some queso for me.