Let's just start out by saying that I continue to feel like I need a pat on the back from
every last one of ya.
And maybe some sort of monetary compensation.
Isn't this season hard to watch?
I mean, OH MY WORD AT THE BORING.
Right?
I like Des, and I even like some of the guys, but I'm just finding it hard to get into it!
Is it just me?
Please...discuss.....
Anyhoo.... let's just get started....In summary
Sie saugen Ben und tun Sie Sie so Bryden
Which means:
You suck Ben, and so do you Bryden.
FYI: I plan to be hashtagging in German all day.
#gewöhnen an Sie sich es
#getusedtoit
The whole gang is off to Munich, Germany.
And the trip to Germany was obviously sponsored by jewel toned hoodie
manufacturers across Europe.
I mean guys! WOW!
#Kapuzenpullis für immer
#hoodiesforever
I'm thinking that Northface really missed a sponsorship opportunity here.
Chris gets the first 1:1.
They start making their way through Germany doing lots of stereotypical German things.
You know, eating sausage and drinking beer with some "oompah" thrown in for good measure.
This happened. Ew.
And of course they managed to wrangle Chris into some typical German attire. Typical that is if he was living in Germay in the 1800s, in a snow globe, or in a cuckoo clock.
#sie sehen gerade wie feste Bermudashorts mit Hosenträgern zu mir aus
#theyjustlookliketightbermudashortswithsuspenderstome
Back at the house Bryden declares that he is ready to leave.
Not later that day, not in 15 minutes...but right that cotton pickin' second.
He wanders the streets of Germany looking for Des which I think is HILARIOUS (and a bit reminiscent of Sean screaming Emily's name in the streets of Prague).
Can't he just turn to one of the 34 producers that he is with and ask one of them if they would mind calling one of the 76 people that Des is with?
Seems like it might be a bit easier.
Anyway, Bryden feels the need to find Des IN THE MIDDLE OF HER 1:1 WITH ANOTHER GUY to tell her that he's just not that into her.
Bryden, you suck.
I LOVED how Des was totally nonchalant about it and was all like "Okay. Bye Bryden."
That's right Bryden! You and your hair can just get on outta here.
And speaking of hair...WHAT THE FRACK is going on with Michael's hair back at the hotel?
Is Germany known for humidity?
#Ihr Haar ist verrückt
#yourhairisjackedupdude
The group date card is read, and by process of elimination it is determined that Ben and Michael will be going on the 2:1 with Des.
The Federal Prosecuter in Mikey declares that he is going to convict Ben of being a fraud...
and oh yeah, he is also going to, AND I QUOTE "murder Ben".
Now Michael, I don't claim to know a lot about the inner-workings of our judicial system...
but I have watched a lot of CSI in my day, and I think that's what they call premeditation.
Something that you want to try to steer clear from whenever possible.
Back to the date with Chris.
They go to a private formal dinner, and Chris says he is excited about not worrying about anything...
Not even about when he has to go to bed or when he has to brush his teeth.
what?
#Ich bin so verwirrt
#i'msoconfused
Do you normally worry about brushing your teeth?
Anyway, Chris writes her poem (no shocker there), and she is obviously touched by his sweetness.
Now, hold on to your seats people.....the producers have a big surprise up their sleeve.
It's a private concert.
A private concert!
I know.
This is totally unprecedented.
Oh wait, I think this is already like the 17th private concert this season.
He gets a rose, declares he is falling in love and he believes that she is too.
He states that she doesn't have to actually say it,
but that he will see it in her eyes and feel it through her kisses.
# Sie sind ein süßer Kerl, aber es wird nie geschehen
#you'reasweetguybutit'snevergonnahappen
On to the group date.
The whole crew is heading to the top of a mountain on a gondola.
Here's my summary of the group date:
mountains
snow
yodeling
sledding
hats
coats
snowball fights
ice house
snowmen
Zac telling Des he almost became a priest
(shirtless and pantless priests are generally not supported by other members of the clergy)
clouds
cold
Yep...that about sums up the group date.
Oh, and Brooks gets the rose.
Ben, Michael, and Chris are back at the hotel.
LOTS of akward silence and jaw clenching from Michael G.
The 2:1 date card comes and Chris reads it:
2 guys. 1 rose. 1 stays, 1 goes.
The same poem every year.
CHRIS! Can't you put your poetry skills to good use and come up with something new and different?
Time for Michael G and Ben to go on their 2:1.
Michael claims he is going to find Ben guilty of "impersonation of a Southern gentleman."
I might have laughed out loud when he said that.
The 3 of them sit on a bench together sipping on a hot toddy of some sort, and if you thought things were awkward before, you ain't seen nothin yet.
Ben is trying to be funny and he talks about how "Texas is so flat that you can watch your dog run away for 3 days."
And I'm telling you.....there were crickets.
Desiree wears a crocheted beret and acts like they are going to do the Polar Bear plunge, but instead they get in a Hot Tug...which looks like a lot fun actually! But it wasn't.
Just take a look at how miserable everybody is.
So, here's the deal, if I were Desiree, I'm pretty sure I would have jumped right out of the hot tug into the ice cold water just to get away from Michael prosecuting Ben. Yes. Hypothermia would have sounded like a welcome break from these 2.
Don't get me wrong, I don't like Ben (I'm sure he's lovely in person...I just don't like how is is coming off on the show)...but I think Michael went about things all wrong.
We take a quick break from all of the hot tug awkwardness by cutting to all the guys back at the hotel. Drew and some of the other guys are having some pillow talk about a conversation that some of them overheard between Mikey and James.
It's seems as if James might not be there for the right reasons...but I don't even care.
All I care about is that I finally realized who Drew reminds me of!
I mean y'all.
That's uncanny!
#wenn ich Recht habe, habe ich Recht
#wheni'mright,i'mright
Anyway, this is what I got from all of the James talk:
*James thinks he is the king of Chicago
*he know lots of rich and tall women
*he wants to go boating with said women
Back to the 2:1 date.
#töten Sie mich, töten Sie mich jetzt
#killme,killmenow
When we get back to the 2:1, these 3 are sitting down to an intimate dinner.
And by intimate, I mean the worst and most awkward situation you have ever been in or will ever be in times infinity.
At the moment Michael first opens his mouth, Desiree wants the ground to swallow her up whole.
If Ben ends up dead in a couple of weeks, I'm going to go ahead and call it now.
Michael, in the frigid cold waters, with the hot tug.
Michael berates Ben about his lack of parenting, about his ability to make friends, and about the fact that he didn't attend church on Easter....all the while taking angry bites of his food.
And listen, it's not WHAT Michael is saying. It's HOW he is saying it all.
He needs work on his delivery. It was a big turn off.
The crazy thing is, Michael didn't even air Ben's biggest grievance of all....
that's right...you guessed it....the black muscle tank.
Yep.
That would have been CASE CLOSED for me.
Lock him up and throw away the key.
I was thinking that Des really might let both of them go...but she just lets Ben go.
And when she does, Ben didn't do himself any favors in the eyes of America.
Here are a couple of his quotes during his exit:
"F this"
"Do you want me to sit here and look unhappy? I'm not."
"The fact that Michael made it farther than me. Wow."
"You guys missed out. The single dad from Texas."
And then....my favorite part....
he waves at the camera with both hands and says "Hi Hollywood".
Ben. You suck too.
Chris and Des sit down for a bit before the rose ceremony.
She admits that the 2 people she likes kissing the most are Brooks and Zak.
Something tells me that they will both be in the top 3!
Drew can't wait to pull Des aside and tell her about James's intentions...
but Des drops a bomb and says there isn't going to be a cocktail party.
Dun dun dun.
Des keeps James.
She lets Mikey go.
The End.
Until next week.
Ugh.
****************************************
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See you back here tomorrow for some of my newest obsessions!
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