“Get going. Move forward. Aim High. Plan a takeoff. Don’t just sit on the runway and hope someone will come along and push the airplane. It simply won’t happen. Change your attitude and gain some altitude. Believe me, you’ll love it up here” – Donald Trump
Generally motorists from Pretoria townships are warmer than their Joburg counterparts. Joburg motorists are rude. I think it’s because they always drive alongside rude taxi drivers. They don’t give a damn whether you are a male or female, they’ll tell you kak on the spot. Pretoria ones tend to be less rude to females. When that guy raised the hammer I knew he was going to smash the window. I closed my eyes and started screaming. Well, that’s what most women would do in such situations. Screaming is our first line of defence. I was expecting to hear sound of glasses flying all over or a bang. Couple of seconds later the only noise I heard was of a man screaming. I opened my eyes and saw the hammer guy on the ground trying his best to cover his face. Some fat guy was on top of him pulling Mayweather punches on him. My first instinct was to reverse the car and drive away. But I thought those niggers would kill each other in my name. I didn’t even understand why the fat guy was defending me because I didn’t know him. Maybe he was just one of those guys who are against the abuse of women. If he was a Joburg taxi driver he would have helped the hammer guy to hammer me. It’s so good to know we still have gentlemen out there. I got out of the car and screamed “no no no please don’t kill him. It’s enough, he won’t do a thing now”. The fat guy went “no he must learn to respect women. I know this guy….he once slept with my wife. Now he thinks he can go around assaulting women with a hammer. I’ll teach him a lesson he’ll never forget”. Oh damn, nigger was using me as an excuse to beat the poor guy. It had nothing to do with me. They had their own personal beef. I didn’t even see where the fat guy came from. Maybe he was following the guy. Go jelwa ke masepa. The hammer guy screamed “kha vha mpfarele… ndi khou tou humbela… Yhooooooo yhooooooo yhooooooo (forgive me, I’m begging you)”. I was “WTF, ke Levenda? You can kill him malome. I don’t give a damn”. I got back in the car and drove off as people were starting to gather for the free wrestling match. He was paying for Tshengi’s sins.
I turned back and drove towards Transfer then turned right towards Mabopane highway. I didn’t want another kasi drama. I called Nobuhle to check if her date was over. She went “we are going to his place. I’ll see you tomorrow. He’s such a gentleman. I think I finally found the one for me”. Some girls can be so desperate bathong. How can one jump to conclusions about a guy after only one date? I think sometimes we suspend our brains and think with our hearts. Our desire to be loved clouds our rational judging capacity. That’s why many guys toy with our hearts. Nigger will play all cool and gentlemanly and you’ll fall head over heels in love with him. After a shag or two he’ll show you his true colours. By that time you’ll be deeply in love and denialism will be the order of the day. You’ll refuse to accept that he’s no longer the same guy you met couple of months ago. By the time you give up your heart will need Scott Emulsion. I asked Nobuhle how she knew he was the one because they had just met in person for the first time. She was like “I can feel it in my blood my friend. He is all I’ve been looking for in a man”. I decided to let her be. From the experience I had with my friends, the more you tell them to be careful was the more they went in with their eyes closed. She was over 18 after all. She asked where I was and I told her I was on my way home from Soshanguve. I wished her good luck with the shag on her first date. She lol’d and told me she wasn’t planning to give it to him. From experience, no guy would invite a hot girl to his place to watch TV. It was quite obvious nigger wanted to get some. I drove straight to my crib. I so hated me that day, on a Saturday and I had no plans. It’s true that the more you grow up is the more your life starts boring. I browsed thru my phone to see if I had any friends I could invite over or invite myself to their place. Of all friends I had I missed Zee more. She was a selfish biach but she always had my back. I also missed Nomsa. I regretted sleeping with her man. I decided to give Zee a call. To my surprise, she still had my number. I went “I was just checking up on you”. She went “thanks for checking up on me Sharon….. and bye. I’m busy”.
Ouch, that was an ouch moment. Maybe she didn’t wanna talk to me. I called Never-Die. I had not spoken to him in ages. That’s what boredom does to people. When you are bored you end up calling ghosts from the past. He went “to what do I owe this call? Sharon Letsoalo calling me? It will rain goats today”. WTF, the word goat was trending and I hated it. I told him I was just checking up on him. He went “I was actually thinking of you last week. How are you?”. We had a medium length conversation. He told me he had just returned to Pretoria from Giyani where he was busy with some tender. He asked if I had plans. I told him I was actually bored and had no plans. He asked if I minded to tag along to a party in Mamelodi. I told him township parties were not my kinda scene anymore. He went “ok, your loss then. I guess I’ll see you next time”. Damn, I was actually expecting him to beg me. I went “ok…..I’ll tag along. As long as I use my own car”. He was surprised I had a car. He told me it was cool. I had to cover my back. Using other people’s cars gives them a right to control your movements. You won’t leave until they want to leave. The Botswana chapter had made me paranoid. We all learn the hard way. He told me to drive to Arcadia next to where Maite used to stay around 5. I asked him what kinda party we were going to and he said “It’s not a fancy party. It’s my sister’s friend’s cousin’s friend’s 30th birthday party”. I didn’t wanna rock up at a party overdressed only to find girls wearing Cosatu, MMM and Orlando Pirates t-shirts. Plus anything is possible with girls from Mamelodi. Mamelodi girls are the ‘lite’ version of Hammaskraal girls. I chose to wear a simple top, jeans and heels. I thought of going to salon first but didn’t know which hairstyle to rock. So I postponed the salon trip. I drove to the bottle store first to buy myself a bottle of my favourite Vodka. I didn’t wanna be anyone’s burden. Guys think when they buy you alcohol it gives them a right to your panties. I’m not Hammaskraal girls, 6 Savanna is not a password to my cute vjayjay. I called Never-Die to tell him I was on my way. He told me to find him at Southern Sun in Arcadia. He really loved that hotel. We once exchanged sweat in the very same hotel.
I parked opposite the hotel and called Never-Die to tell him I was there. He told me he was on the street opposite the hotel. I looked around but there was no GTI. He told me to check a white Mercedes-Benz C200. It was right in front of me. I got out of the car to go greet him. There was a girl on the front seat. I greeted her first and she gave me the ‘he’s mine’ look. Mxm I hate girls who think life ends with a front seat. She wasn’t even beautiful. Only if she knew many girls like her are degreeless and babiesful because of the front seat mentality. Never-Die gave me a hug and asked where I was hiding. I told him I still stayed in Phillip Nel. Nigger had gained weight. I asked “you are gaining weight nigger. What are you eating? Was Maite making you lose weight?”. The girl in the car went “sorry, Maite ke mang?”. I whispered “Maite ke bommao nana”. I hate forward girls. Never-Die laughed and told me not to be rude to his girl. I was actually happy he was with a girl. It was safer that way because he wouldn’t try mangamanga business with me. He told me to follow him. We used the Silverton route. He called to tell me he wanted us to fetch his friend at Mahube Valley before going to the party ko Mamelodi Gardens. To my surprise Never-Die wanted his friend to get a ride in my car because I was alone. To me it looked like matchmaking. Nigger was on of those short guys with big bellies. I almost told Never-Die I don’t want short people in my car. Nigger caught a ride in my car. The few minutes we drove together I got to know he’s a businessman who had 2 houses and Golf 7 GTI blah blah blah blah. Problem with GTI guys is thinking all girls get wet when they hear a mention of a GTI and money. Mxm that crap works on high school kids. By the time we got to Mamelodi Gardens I was so tired of hearing his stories. His bragging game was a huge turn off. The worst part he was wearing an Uzzi sweater and Carvela shoes. Need I say more? I loved the stretch tent set up at the party. I overheard someone saying it’s a small party for close friends and family. By the look of things we were a bit early. The part had not started. I was given spatlho and juice as a starter. Lol #MamelodiThings. After about 20 minutes Never-Die who was busy going up and down greeting dark girls asked me for a favour. Apparently the DJ was stuck somewhere on Tsamaya Road and he wanted me to go fetch him with some girl. He gave me his car keys. I didn’t mind because I wanted to drive the Merc. I felt like I was in a mini heaven. The girl told me the Dj was stuck at Tsamaya Road next to the garage ya ko Eerste Fabriek robots. She called the DJ when we were closer to the garage. He told her he was inside the Opel Astra on the other side of the garage. I parked next to his car and we got out of the car.
The DJ and I locked eyes and we went “You!!!!!!” at the same time.
Booooommmm
THE END
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LETTERS SECTION
Dear Shaz,
I am a lady aged 28 working as a cop. I’m neither a church nor partying person. I love being indoors when I’m not at work. I’m not rich but have my own car and house. I don’t have any kids at the moment. I only dated two guys in my life and they broke my heart. It’s been 3 years since I broke up with the second guy. I meet great guys all the time but I’m scared to commit. I am afraid to go through that pain again. I want to date again but I have fear. My heart is very fragile. How do I get over my fear and start dating again? I don’t want to be hurt.
Regards
Officer