Ah the Golden Globes, the only award show that if you host once then you’re forced to serve two more years even if you make a complete ass out of yourself. Yes, that award show. The show notorious for making less and less sense as the evening goes on simply because everyone proceeds to get more and more shit faced. And that was only the second event I am attending today.
Yes, I had fully committed to my own idiocy today by choosing to run the Star Wars Half-Marathon the morning of the Golden Globes. It was for charity alright. Okay, it was really because I’m a fucking nerd who just enjoys getting to dress up. But officially it was for charity.
“This is going to be the dumbest thing, I’ve ever done,” Ashley says out loud to no one in particular. She wasn’t particularly thrilled to be running the race. Nor was she particularly thrilled to be running as Ahsoka Tano.
I just rolled my eyes at her griping,“Please, it’s not that bad.”
“You’ve run like 12 of these things!” She exclaims,“Of course you’re going to say that.”
I just shrug. Running was more of a mental exercise for me when it came to distance. If my mind was completely distracted for long enough, I am positive it could run a full marathon. Looking over at our Mandalorian friend, Harmony, who was quietly nursing her coffee.
“It is too early for anything,” She hisses.
Clearly, I was the only person who had been swept up in a bundle of endorphins and excitement anxiety. The announcers had been getting the crowd of nerds reasonably pumped in excitement for the next thirteen miles, now we were just waiting for the word go.
“Come on, win or lose today. We get a finisher medal,” I joke. They both were not amused.
I just sigh and pull out my phone from my jumpsuit’s pocket. I don’t even know why I was looking at it. It’s not like Seth would be up for another few hours. No one that was human was up at this hour. Clearly, there wasn’t many humans in sight if you looked around us. Hell, I wasn’t even human at the moment. Technically, I was a Twi'lek named Hera.
At six o'clock in the morning, we started our run and officially started our golden globes morning. The cyber trail that we were leaving had quickly started to fill up with the strangest photos of us. It was really hard to believe the transformation that we were going to go through after the race. Truthfully, I couldn’t really believe it as the town car pick the three of us up from the Grand Californian Hotel valet pick up. It wasn’t even twenty-five minuets after I finished the race with the girls that my phone started to avidly chirp at me.
Seth: Good morning to you too… and your 6 race messages.
Seth: You improve from last year?
A: Sorry, I just sort filled in the text alerts for people who I thought would wanna know.
Seth: It’s cool. I just had to put it on mute.
A: Yeah, totally did improve though. The girls finished like twenty minuets behind me.
Seth: lol my girlfriend the athletic stud.
A: Oh yes, my pillsbury dough boy.
Seth: Rude.
Seth: It’s agonizing knowing that I’m not seeing you until this afternoon.
A: :( I know, but we’re spending tonight together and we got tables right next to each other.
Seth: I bet you’re going to look amazing.
A: What? This ain’t sexy?
Seth: Well you know if you showed me a little boob…
A: Ugh I can’t. Ash and Harmony are with me.
“Oh my god are you sext-” Ashely starts to as she catches a brief glance at my phone.
“Fuck off Ash,” I grumble as I try to shield my phone.
“Oh don’t give me that,” She frowns.
“For the record, we’re not sexing. Seth is just whining about being woken up by the text alerts from the race,” I explain. That sounds sensible and reasonable and very much true.
It had been a sluggish start as everyone was coming back from the winter vacation and now that we had been bogged down with these various award shows. More juggling to the master calendar to get the next last nine episodes into production. It was a pain in the ass and mostly all on me, since Seth had been starting to wrangle together the next season of Blunt Talk. The only good thing was that I had been in and out of the spa, so frequently getting the typical Hollywood mountain of beauty treatments before the actual award show was that I didn’t feel that overly stressed about it. Actually going back into the last nine episodes I felt relaxed.
We had gotten back to my house in Los Angles around ten thirty and there wasn’t a spare bath tub to be had. Actually, there was a lot of body paint that needed to be scrubbed off of Ashley and I, because well it took at lot of effort to look like Ahsoka and Hera. So I was surprised when we were nearing completion that I heard a knock on the bathroom door.
“Come in,” I say, not turning around as the glam squad was helping me into my massive lavender gown.
There was an overly long whistle I hear as I see Seth in my bathroom looking ever so dapper in his suit,“Damn. That’s a hell of a dress.”
“Hi,” I let out breathlessly as I flick my head around to see him clutching a bouquet of flowers. Looking around to the curious faces of the new prep team, I knew I had to say something,“Could you guys give us a few minuets?”
For the most part the all just nod before leaving,“Just don’t muck up your make-up.”
The moment the door shuts, Seth strides over to me with a grin plastered on his face,“How are you feeling?”
“Nervous, anxious, kinda of exhausted, really excited, but let’s cycle back to nervous,” looking back at my co-producer wild eyed. It was a lot to be going through,“My mom told me to not even bother preparing a speech or anything, citing that since we’re a genre-”
Seth just stops me mid-sentence,“I’m going to go have a fucking word with-”
“Seth,” I calmly snap,“She’s not wrong. I mean it’s good competition to be up against. I mean I can’t even fathom saying my name in the same category against fucking Julia Louis-Dryfus, Taylor Schilling, Gena Rodriguez and Lena Dunham, let alone actual being in the running with them.”
“Okay, let’s look at this logically. Gena is from a fucking CW show. She’s getting praise because yeah, she’s good, but that’s because she plays up a Hispanic who isn’t a cliche, but still has some of them,” Seth breaks down,“You wrote Stella for yourself and I haven’t once seen you play her as something that was denying any bit of yourself. You play her as a proud of all your cultures and hell you promote your multi-culture-ism as a theme in the show. You play her for all her faults. So fuck it if your mother doesn’t believe that you’ll win. You’re already more then half-way there being nominated.”
What the hell is this man? Him and his fucking pep talks and flowers and general kindness. How did the internet hate him? Oh wait, they really didn’t fucking know this side of him. I just let my mouth open and shut a few times, completely and utterly floored by the sentiment
“I know, I think I missed my calling. Motivational speaker,“ He pokes fun at himself as I just sit there wondering how did I find this specimen of human being.
Eventually, I just opt to slug him in the arm,"You’re a wonderful asshole.”
“So you’ve told me so many times,” I didn’t even see when his lips started to move onto mine,“You’re wonderful. I’m wonderful and together we’re double wonderful, so all those fuckers are fucked.”
“And there’s the speech I was waiting,” I say lifting my lips back from his and then peck his again,“Seriously though. Not chance in hell tonight, but hurray open bar and actresses who hate dessert and carbs. So plenty more for me.”
There was the knock on the door. It was Fawn, who was just glaring at the pair of us. I sheepishly turn towards Seth. The bookish girl’s wrath was even more terrifying since she had returned home from navy training.
“Out Seth, you can deflower the flower after the award show. Right now, the team needs to finish up with jewelry and shoes,” Fawn ordered. Seth looked mighty nervous as I just turned my head around feeling like I had been set on fire.
“Love you bye!” Seth pecks me before running out the door with his arms up.
“Are you proud of yourself?” I question Fawn. The answer was really quite obvious. She looked like the cat who ate the canary.
“Completely.”
It was odd walking down the stairs at my house to see Seth waiting downstairs for me. Along with Ashley, her husband, and Bianca all dressed up to the nines. Seth just stands there looking all wide eyed and with mild sex eyes if I didn’t know better.
“Wow,” Seth just has his mouth dropped.
“That’s the only response I need all night,” I smile at Seth. The glibbest man I knew was speechless and that spoke volumes louder then anyone else in the room. “Okay, photos kids. Momma needs photos!”
The cast had been more then happy to indulge me in make tonight as high school prom-ish for me as physical possible. Complete with the awful photo poses. I had a slideshow for the season wrap party that I was putting together, these were perfect for that. Well this was more winter formal, but you catch the drift where this evening was going. It was like nerd prom, okay, not nerd prom because that’s the correspondence dinner. But yeah, my group of losers loved me enough that this monster group of the cast of first time nominees gathered at my house and we took stupid photos before we were all hopping on a bus to the Golden Globes. How many fucking times could you say that in your life?
My friends had all camped out at my house since it was regarded as the closet house to the action and they were having their celebration in our honor. Honestly, my embarrassment levels were peeking. I don’t know what else I could really do about them. They were going to do what they were going to do.
When we got off the bus, we were greeted by the small fleet of publicist the second we got out of the party bus. Everyone of us was pulled every which way as we were lead down the red carpet.
“Ah the good people of Buzzfeed my favorite place of listicals,” I chuckle as I walk up to the reporters. There was a terrifying amount of antics that I had to get into before I could get all the way down the carpet. It was exhausting, fun, but still ultimately exhausting.
In the most ungraceful way, I trudged my way through the questionable table layouts that made me want to scream for a fire marshal at the top of my lungs to see the table already filled with a vast majority of my cast and a familiar Captain in my chair talking with my mother and boyfriend.
It didn’t take long for Seth’s head to whip around and smile at the sight of me.
“Ah-Miss Garcia-” Patrick starts to talk as I just steal an empty chair from the table next to us.
“Don’t get up, Capt,” I chuckle as I take a load off. It was hard being the essentially the voice of a show. I wrote, I stared and I did the showrunning bit to keep the house from falling down. If people wanted something on the show, they went to me first. Tom had expressed guilt over the situation before, but I told him to take his male chivalry and save it for someone who really needed it.
Clearly, someone loved me as he handed me a glass of scotch. I just nurse it quietly as I listen to everyone fall back into their conversation over the main course. Did I mention I missed the first course soup and salad like a fucking champ? My war against watery leafs was never ending.
It was just as I was lunging over for the bread basket at my table between courses that I didn’t notice that evidently a wild Jennifer Lawrence had left the inner movie star circle. Nor did I notice her come into attack hug me while leaning over for said bread basket. Falling out of my chair at the golden globes was probably not the most graceful moment of my life.
“Oh my god, Jen!” I squeal. Have I mentioned since Comic-Con had a strange new texting buddy? “What are you doing out of A-list central and slumming it back here with us in TV?”
“I tried calling you, I wanted to see your face in person,” She just shakes her head,“Congrats on the nominations.”
“Is it worth giving you congrats after how many of these?” I joke.
“I can’t stay long, but after parties.” She hugs me once more before she trots off in hunt of the final course of the night. Eventually we all do the chair shuffle and get to our appropriate tables. Everyone was all excitedly chit chatting with everyone. Anxiety high in the air.
One of the strange things about actually being at an award show is that you see everything, everyone and anything just sitting at your seat and minding your own business. My observations noted were no less then this:
Alan Cumming carrying eight bottles of water. This isn’t an exaggeration. He was literally carrying eight bottles of water from the bar area back to his table (probably). What a good table-mate he must have been, keeping everyone hydrated. He got up a lot during the night. He doesn’t realize it, but we were within three feet of each other about six times during the night.
Everyone getting their train stepped on. Literally everyone stepped on each other. I didn’t want to look down and see what poor crumpled dead roses I had on my train. It was a good sign to see which men were exceptionally caring about their dates’ trains as they walked up the stairs.
I could see Tina Fey from my table and I wanted to curl up in a ball and sob that I was not worth. JJ being ever the unhelpful man that he was simply took it as a sign,“You should go over there and introduce yourself.”
“No,” The horror at the mere suggestion was terrifying.
“Oh come on, she’s really lovely,” He grins,“If you don’t go I’m going to just introduce her and drag her over here.”
“You wouldn’t-”
He just gets up and walks straight over. Cue the internal panic. Tina Fucking Fey. Woman who’s ground I worship. Who’s comedy is like a beautifully hilarious bed time story for me. Who was coming straight for me. Fuck. Fuckity. Fucker. Mother shitfaced fucker.
“Anna, I’d like you to meet Tina,” He introduces me,“And her husband Jeff.”
Yup. That’s the sign of sheer panic and terror. “Hi” That is literally all I could squeak out.
“She’s a huge fan,” He continues on.
“I caught the first few episodes of your show, it really stands a fighting chance tonight. You should be really proud,” Was this what a religious experience felt like? Being blessed by Tina Fey?
If I am honest, I don’t exactly remember what happened after that because I think my brain blacked out that portion probably out of embarrassment, because the next thing that was happening was that the show had started and I was nervously looking all around the table as the show got underway. My mother had been completely and utterly flabbergasted into silence for the evening. I’m going to be honest, I had little to no idea what was going the entire show. I know we had picked up two awards for supporting, then suddenly I noticed Tom had been missing for a while and suddenly my name was being said: “And the award goes to for best actresses in a comedy. Anna Garcia, Star Space.”
I just sit there looking completely confused as the tables start to completely lose it. Wait what? That was totally a speech error. Nope, definitely not me.
“She’s gone into fucking shock,” Ashely says with a smile plastered on her face as the guys start to force me out of my chair.
“Go up there,” Seth whispers into my ear as he physically pushes me all the way towards the stage. We were quite a distance and that looked all of a sudden farther then the half-marathon I had ran this morning.
Wobbling and trembling, I awkwardly made it up to the stage,. “Wait what?”
I stop and look at the trophy in my hand and back into the over-stuffed ballroom. Like what would happen if a bomb dropped and a vast majority of the major Hollywood a-list died? Why is that even a thought in my head. Fuck, focus. Oh look Seth, yes. Focus on Seth,“Well this is completely and utterly strange and unexpected. I literally have nothing written down. So it’s surreal to be nominated in a genre that’s historically we’re not treated with the same respect because our setting happens to be not of this earth even if we still tell stories about people and also the fact that this genre is dominated by male leads that are white. Contrary to popular belief, I am only half white, welsh and English to be exact there. The rest of it is Mexican. Growing up, I never could really see myself without having to stretch my imagination, no offense to Patrick Stuart who’s endless reruns of Next Generation filled up my best childhood memories with my dad. But there were no Hispanic women in on these shows that were leads. There were barely any supporting women. Stella comes from that void that I always wanted to see filled, but no one ever did. I need to thank my mother who is here tonight for leaving me home with my dad, who’s undying love for all things space, science and sci-fi rubbed off to me in my formative years. You both never told me I had to be this or that and have done nothing but love and support me in every insane thing I did. I need to thank the writers who have let me slowly release my vice grip of fear that I don’t have to do it all and I can go home and sleep at the reasonable hour of eleven o'clock at night. All of the cast and crew that have been so patient in this hands on learning process for me, specifically Tom. Tom you ground me in every scene that we have together and you are my superman in every way. Fox, I know we were skeptical when it all first started. I felt our relationship was akin to an arranged marriage that we weren’t sure if it was going to last, but once I got to know you I am proud to say that I adore working with you and Kevin Riley has been an utter angel to work with. Last, but not least Seth and JJ. The bane and the three hundred pound gorillas reasons I am here right now and of this happened. Your love and support and your wisdom and your faith in me, because that is the best gift I have ever received. My life has been forever changed by you guys and I don’t know how I functioned with out you before.”
Yes, the music starts to play when I was getting to the last part. I was sorta hoping that I would be physically yanked off the stage by an old timey cane, but I had no such luck. Instead, I was guided off stage to a green room where I was told I would have to go in front of the press to answer some questions. Before I even approach the stage my charming publicist who was also my cousin had attack hugged me.
“I’m so proud of you!” She was hysterical.
“I don’t know what way is up?” I reply honestly.
“They’re just going to softball you some question, just be your charming self and remember no swearing,” She chides as she touches the trophy.
I nod nervously as I walk out onto the next stage,“Okay. Hi. Do I just?”
“Anna, right in front. Variety, two part quick question. What does it mean to you win for a show that has so many women of color apart of it? And also how was your trip to Japan to sell the show to the Japanese market.”
“Erm,” Softball questions my ass. I just smile nervously and respond,“I’d like to think we have more then just women of color. Considering we’re as a cast full of people of color. So thanks for ignoring the guys. I know people are going to be pissed off at me for saying this, but I identify with multiple cultures and that’s how I write the show. The arts create such a ripple effect on everyone’s lives and place such an emphasis on putting people into these tiny little boxes. I like to just take the boxes and stack them up and use them as blocks. I’m into showing people being people. If you want the Hispanic girl being a mechanical engineer in once scene, but then show her enjoying cooking for her friends the next. I’m interested in people that are three dimensional. I am trying to write not just women who are three dimensional, but all people. As for Japan, it was such a beautiful country with such a rich history and culture and some place where I could finally put those years of high school Japanese to use.
"This is your first globes, walk us through what your day like? What time did you get up? What did you eat? What was your glam squad like?”
“This is going to sound insane, but I woke up at around three o'clock in the morning because I ran a half-marathon at Disneyland this morning actually with two of my castmates from the show to raise money for the make-a-wish foundation. I finished in a little over two hours as Hera from Star Wars Rebels. So after that we grabbed a breakfast to-go and went back to my house to clean up and de-color ourselves. My mom had already had the breakfast party going in full swing at my house, my family, my childhood neighborhood, my friends and my friends were all there. I took a quick ice bath and then a hot shower and then went straight into hair and make-up. The designers were there to make sure that the dress was painted on my body and my glam squad are my friends they make this look like not a sleep-deprived showrunner and more like a human woman.”
“The dress. When did you decide on this dress and what makes you feel sexy?”
“Well my stylist went ahead and contacted some of the designers directly and I was lucky enough to be offered a custom dress from Valentino. We went back and forth over the Christmas vacation and eventually we had fittings for the three possible dresses, but eventually I knew this was the one. It just felt right. As for sexy? I don’t know. When I feel comfortable.”
“Anna to your right,” I know that voice.
“Sam Rubin, how are you,” It was the local entertainment morning news reporter.
“I am good. We are all so happy and proud for you. You got some good news this morning as well, I heard. How do you feel about that?”
“Yeah, we got a second season today. So that in itself is a pretty awesome win in itself.”
“What is this day like for you, holding that?”
“Unreal. Actually, it’s weird right now because I just have this overwhelming sense of dejavu because I dreamed of this moment as a little girl far more then say a girl dreams of her wedding day. So this and the new season ahead of us, it’s just adding to the layers of crazy turns that my life has taken in the last few years. I’m just thrilled I get to tell the crew tomorrow that we still have jobs next year and that’s the best feeling in the world.”
I look around to see if there were any more questions,“Are we good? Can I go, because I need to get back to my table and make sure certain members of my table have not stolen my dessert.”
With that I skip off the stage and back into the ballroom lobby. Carefully, I try to make it back to my table and look around. Looking at JJ and looking at the other empty chair,“Where did Tom go?”
“Drink run,” JJ whispers.
Shaking my head as I look down at my plate. There was dessert skewer missing and I look to my right and see Seth with it in hand. “MacFarlane,” I hiss at him.
He looks sheepishly at me,“I didn’t know when you would be back?”
“Hand over the chocolate dipped strawberries mister,” I pucker my lips angrily.
He just shakes his head,“You still have a plate.”
“Because I was interrupted,” Interrupted by a gold statue. That was a solid reason. I did not get the stick back.
The evening continues on with most of the movie awards. Drinks continued to flow at the table with the occasional trey of nibbles and we swore we were done for the evening and could relax. It wasn’t until it was best TV musical or comedy series was up for grabs and they had the nerve to call us up as winners.
“Now, I am officially confused. Can I see that envelope?” I ask the presenters as they hand the offending item to me. Fuck it was true. “Okay, well clearly it says we won. So for the fifth time tonight, you guys have left me baffled and befuddled. So thanks for that Hollywood Foreign press. I understand nothing in the world anymore, but from what I gather I should thank the rest of the cast that couldn’t fit at our table and didn’t make the cut for tonight, the amazing crew, the people at Fox that somehow haven’t done a firefly cancellation. I am so glad you guys have learned from your mistakes over the last decade. I am sorry to the entire fandom of firefly for that joke, it hurt me too. I don’t know what to say, will one of you two guys finish this?” I gesture to JJ and Seth with wild panicking eyes as I retreat into the safe arms of the cast members.
Seth was the savior to come in and finish up the rest of the speech with JJ remind him of names of various executives on the way. Everyone was just deliriously happy. We were for the most part non-award winning actors. Yet, now we weren’t. We were on an award winning show and that felt amazing. Sure, we were shoved down to the press room like cattle, but everyone was so happy. Even more so knowing that we would soon be able to walk again because of the parties downstairs.
Between 8:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m., the three hours immediately following the telecast, there are over 6,000 carousers on site at the Beverly Hilton. For big parties, it’s all the same players as usual – HBO, Weinstein, InStyle, Fox, and NBCUniversal. Fox’s joint party across the driveway in the parking lot of the old Robinson’s May building is technically “off-site” and not part of the Hilton. That was our only required party to attend. The rest of the evening we were free to roam the hotel as we pleased.
It was when I was hunting for literally anything sugary sweet at the HBO party that I was more or less ambushed by Lena Dunham.
“Erm, hi. I’m Lena,” She introduces. Was it polite to stare at her boobs? Like for a mostly hetrosexual woman? I wasn’t staring at them in a sexual way or anything. I was just a little freaked out that they weren’t flopping about. The few times I had watched her show Girls, I was terrified by the sheer nudity. I just wasn’t into that or really anyone on her show. It was largely distracting and ultimately why I couldn’t watch.
“Pleasure,” I say politely. Fuck, stop staring at them. They’re firmly tucked into that awful dress she’s wearing. Why am I so catty and buzzed?
“I just wanted to come and say congrats and hello,” She was just as awkward as I was at this whole thing. “Your show is amazing and it’s a completely another world.”
“Thanks, I tried to watch your show. But most of HBO sorta freaks me out with all the boobs and the sex,” There we go out in the open. Reasonable and makes me sound like a fucking puritan. Great. “I can really only stomach a few shows like Veep and John Oliver.”
She just laughs,“I know it’s not for everyone. I was really surprised you won.”
Well that felt passive aggressive. Would now be the right time to mention that the only reason I’ve seen the show is because my mother feels like it’s a nice show for the non-pretty actresses union and sorta hate watches it? Probably not. Probably never. “I know, I was really taken back by any success.”
“Well I’m just going to take this cupcake and head back, we should do lunch sometime. I’d love to get to know you,” She smiles as she does just that, taking the cup cake and left.
Let’s do lunch? God. Am I incapable of putting my bitchiness aside? No, I was probably just in an upswing with having male friends again. Always made me wary of other women. I groan as I just stack up the large plate to take it over to the booth that the rest of the cast had commandeered at the party.
“Jesus, we thought you had died in a pastry coma again,” Seth quips as he steals a cookie from the plate.
I roll my eyes as I sit down next to him,“You don’t deserve that cookie mister. Cookies are for nice people.”
“Oh touchy now,”
“Lena Dunahm wants to have lunch with me,” I drop as I riffle around for the macrons on the plate.
Everyone just laughs. I wasn’t sure if it was good or bad. There were plenty of weird moments and people seemingly happy for me. I didn’t understand the evening at all. I just kept looking over my shoulder to see Seth standing by chatting with someone never too far from me and knew I was the happiest person in the world right now. It was a fucking shame I scheduled myself to shoot scenes tomorrow.