Do you ever find yourself having one of those days? Nothing is going right and you feel like utter crap. I quite often have a pity party where only i’m invited. Do you? I get lonely having been only in the company of a baby for weeks on end, spending my evenings flipping from one channel to the other watching anything on the television just so i can say that I’ve done something for me. That’s not to say that its all bad but sometimes i wake up in the morning and i just don’t care to adult that day. Although entering the world of motherhood has brought me so many highs, it can at times have so many lows. I get to a point where I’ve reached an emotional slump but i know that I’m not the only one who has days like these. I need to remember that sometimes you need those bad days in order to appreciate the good ones.
I love that more and more mothers are advocating for the right to fuck up, to make the wrong judgement call from time to time, to just being human without someone having an opinion on it. Today being a prime example and no exception for me, after taking Ernest to the shop, carrying him in as i only needed a couple of things, placing him down at the packing area to get my card out only for him to topple over face first and smack his head on the metal surface. The cashier looked me in horror whilst i hurriedly scoped him up and rushed out of the shop.
I want to be one of those parents that have it all figured out but i’m sure even those types of people probably have days where they just want to slip off to a quiet part of the house and take a moment to scream into a pillow.
Today, I write this post whilst being surrounded by mess. My hallway is filled with small piles of clothing and odd items that i impulse bought after a visit to my sisters at the weekend. I came home two days ago and i haven’t been bothered to put it away yet. My kitchen still has this mornings breakfast crumbs and slightly soggy pieces of toast on the floor and a small mountain of dishes just itching to be washed. Although my washing machine is half full, i have dirty clothes placed right beside it as I’ve tossed it there on the way to taking Ernest for a bath.
I fear i may have an epidemic on my hands as the small piles of clothing have also spread to my bedroom and the spare room (Ernest’s new room/dumping ground). My bed is unmade and covered in the remnants of Ernest’s bedtime routine, namely a soggy towel, disused nappy and a sour milk smelling bottle.
My main priority will always be making sure Ernest is fed, watered and happy within himself and I love that i can nurture someone like that. You are no longer priority number one and you will have days when you have to find a very small window just to wash yourself. If i miss that window i’m screwed and i spend the rest of the day looking like Worzel Gummidge.
It becomes normal to open up drawers to look for something to wear and all that remains are clothes i wore about 10 years ago that i cant bring myself to get rid of and an old pair of high waisted denim shorts that i promise myself after starting yet another diet i will fit into. The remainder of the acceptable clothes are either in the dirty washing pile, inside the tumble dryer or just don’t exist as i have no money to buy anything new. So on the days where i choose not to venture outside, im usually dressed in a food stained t shirt, no bra and the biggest pair of pants that i own, which is big, like up to your belly button big. God who am I kidding? These are the only pants I own and I’m cool with that. Comfort trumps all others.
I know that these are the things you sacrifice when you have a child and i should be grateful for what i have. I know how lucky i am to experience a love like no other, to bring a life into this world but sometimes i want to not be just a mother, i want to be me when i walk out the door. I want to have clean brushed hair. I want to wear crisp unsoiled clothing. I want to be able to cook myself something half decent instead of always eating leftovers and wondering why i haven’t lost any weight at fat club.
Sometimes i may only get a few hours sleep and im like the walking dead but I put on a smile for my child’s sake as i try not to let him see that i’m struggling. I want him to see the best of me. In my day to day life i tend not to show my weaknesses. I put it to the back of my mind and leave it to when i’m on my own and i have time to ponder over them. I think everyone wants to be seen at their best in some way or another, whether that’s by having perfect Instagram pictures, an immaculate home or a well turned out child.
When Ernest was in the early days of infancy i let things get on top of me. I let my emotions rule. There were times when i would feel angry and frustrated at Ernest, and myself for not keeping my cool. I may have ‘one of those days’ sometimes but as mothers you learn to bounce back from it. I’ve learnt that i need to keep it together and not lose my shit. I will still have those days and i’m sure as Ernest grows he will test my patience and push me to the brink of despair.
But just know that although you may have accidentally scratched your childs face, left them in their nappy just a little too long or plonked them in front of the television so that you can try and get some order amongst the chaos, you’ve also achieved a great deal too and you’re not alone. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and i doubt myself and my choices every day. Some days i want to be selfish and palm Ernest off to my mum. I want to go and do something uninterrupted without mentally playing through my mind the colossal list of daily items that i require for my baby. I know that its not always possible though.
Motherhood is not something you can switch off. Its a choice that i made, a journey that i wanted to embark on. So when i feel like i’m having one of those days I just need to dust myself off and muddle through as best as I can without feeling like a failure. I may not have the time to shave my legs or finish painting the bedroom, but whilst I’m bringing up a beautiful little man, those things can wait.