Season after season, funny stories from Drunk History pile up, emanating a boozy cloud of comedy and leaving behind a trail of historical nuggets. But which are your favorite? It’s a difficult task deciding which are the best Drunk History stories when each episode is packed full of talent who throw themselves face first into the burp-riddled stories of the ages.
Which is your favorite Drunk History retelling? Crissle West regaling the heroism of dope-ass spy Harriet Tubman? Jen Kirkman making Winona Ryder as Mary Dyer curse her way around 1600s Boston? How about that time Bob Woodward threw up on Deep Throat’s shoes? And we know what a tool James Cook was, but Jonah Ray gives him some extra tooliness as he slurs his way to Hawaii to terrorize King Kalaniopuu.
But are these stories told by writers, comedians, and actors who are completely drunk off their asses accurate, you’re probably not asking? Psshaw! If you’re getting your historical information from Drunk History, you’re probably going to be just fine, unless you’re trying to pass a test or something.
Drunk History’s version of Lewis and Clark should be taught in school. Not because it’s accurate, but more because Alie Ward and Georgia Hardstark OMG hard throughout the retelling, making it relatable. After all, isn’t that what history is supposed to about? OMGing hard?
What are the best Drunk History stories so far? Vote them up with a rousing, pantsless HUZZAH and BLEEP!
The Best Stories from Comedy Central's Drunk History,
A Glazed Amber Ruffin Reveals That Rosa Parks Had a Predecessor, BUUUUURRP!
Ruffin tells the story of Claudette Colvin, a 15-year-old girl who was the first African-American to refuse to give her seat to a white person before Rosa Parks did. Ruffin boozily gets the story out with accuracy but not before she makes the judge in the segregation case burp, twice. She also gives some extra sass to Mariah Wilson’s Claudette Colvin, who drops the mic after winning her case and then talks to her cup, 55 years later.
Jenny Slate’s Dog Makes It Into the Story of Coca-Cola
Bill Hader performs to Slate’s narration of John Pemberton inventing Coca-Cola and it’s just as charming and nuts as it sounds. Pemberton wanted to invent a tonic that would make women think “that they’ll never be nervous or have farts and make men think that they can be smarter.” Experimenting with the cocoa leaf, Pemberton ended up creating essentially cocaine wine, which Slate really doesn’t need. She does wonders just with regular wine. What makes this story excellent is Slate’s incessantly barking dog during her drunk interview. The editors decided to put the dog’s bark into the piece, giving the “line” to Derek Waters.
A Tall Glass of Drunk Jonah Ray Retells James Cook’s D*ckishness in Hawaii
Ray, who is from Kailua, Hawaii, accurately depicts what a total douchenozzle James Cook was when he landed in Hawaii and showed everyone “how gnarly we can get.” He tips his hand when he takes King Kalaniopuu captive and kills his nephew, though, and seals his fate via a deadly “mosh pit.” Kalaniopuu sends most of Cook’s bones back to England in a sack.
Chris Romano’s Pantsless Confession About His Dad, Johnny Cool
If you want to understand the mind of an arsonist, Romano may just have nailed it along with the help of Nick Offerman as Johnny Cool, a notorious and prolific arsonist. Offerman, Bob Odenkirk, and Connie Britton reenact this story so well, it needs to become a TV series in its own right. Romano claims that Johnny Cool is his father and he didn’t know that they weren’t Italian and they were in the Witness Protection Program due to his dad turning on his arson clients until he was 14 years old.
Jen Kirkman Is an Emotional, Sloshed Mess for Mary Dyer
Kirkman has been slurring her way through history since the web series. She gives Winona Ryder and Michael Cera some great material to work with in the retelling of free-thinker Mary Dyer. Setting aside Ryder and Cera’s incredible delivery of Kirkman sloppy drunk words, there are three things that make this story amazing: Ryder starred in The Crucible and is pretty much wearing the same costume; Chris Parnell as King Charles II; and Kirkman crying at the end and then throwing shade at Jim Morrison.
Natasha Leggero and Her Fizzy Version of the Kidnapping of Patty Hearst
Leggero somehow manages to explain the strange story of the kidnapping of heiress Patty Hearst in 1972, played by Kristin Wiig. Despite being sloppy drunk, Leggero accurately recounts many of the details of Hearst’s abduction by the Symbionese Liberation Front and how Hearst came to sympathize with her kidnappers. Hearst went as far as to taking up their cause, extorting money from her family, robbing banks, and changing her name to Tanya. Leggero explains Hearst’s Stockholm syndrome by having Wiig’s Hearst/Tanya exclaim, “You guys, you’re my mommy.” Points for Terry Crews playing the cheerleader-like leader of the Symbionese Liberation Front.
Mark Gagliardi Sneezes Through Stetson Kennedy’s Infiltration of the Ku Klux Klan
This obscure and fascinating story ties the KKK to Superman and is highlighted by Gagliardi’s sneezes and tendency to lie on the floor. Jason Ritter as Stetson Kennedy, the man who infiltrated the KKK, deftly handles the sneeze attack. Regardless, Gagliardi manages to impress as he narrates the Superman radio show on his back.
Wasted Crissle West Slam Drunks the Harriet Tubman Spy Story
West is so hilarious at retelling the story of Tubman’s work as a Union spy, Derek Waters and Jeremy Konner thought it was worthy of casting Octavia Spencer. To see the Oscar winner mouth West’s drunken recounting makes this one of the best episodes of Drunk History. “I got this sh*t!”
Dan Harmon’s Lit Tale of Murder, Blow, and the Rise of Griselda Blanco
Harmon is no stranger to the drink and the king of liver killers did justice to the retelling of the godmother of cocaine, Griselda Blanco, gloriously reenacted by Blanco doppelgänger Maya Rudolph. Her lover and betrayer is played by fellow SNL alum Horatio Sanz. We follow the story of how Blanco became a drug kingpin in Miami after single handedly mowing down her lover and his henchmen.
Eric Edelstein’s Wasted Elvis Presley Meets Plastered Richard Nixon
Edelstein is an expert on all things Elvis so his boozy retelling of this famous meetup has a lot of clout. Best things about this story: Bob Odenkirk as Nixon, Jack McBrayer as his aide, and Jack Black as a glorious version of Elvis. Bonus points for the use of Dave Grohl as one of Elvis’s Memphis Mafia henchmen.