I woke this morning to a little bit of magic. A number. 2010. It is, in a lot of ways, a magical and life changing number for me. Let me explain…
I’d had a particular presence online for a few years, writing and teaching in the one area where I had both confidence and conviction, on esoteric subjects. Looking back I can see how the closed, safe environment of the forums suited my need… and I was needy on so many levels. The only public writing was an occasional columnist for the Spirit Guides website. Oh the public face of corporate life had always been able to appear confident enough and I could fight for any injustice or cause for others. But to have any faith in me, myself, was beyond me. Being invited to teach was a surprise. It began a slow shift in perception. It seemed that perhaps I had something to offer that could be of use, and that was a surprise. Putting thoughts unspoken into words clarifies them, makes you re-examine them, discarding things long accepted blindly and seeking the heart of half-seen ideas. You learn a lot when you teach… students are the best teachers.
I’d learned a lot teaching some of the local youngsters to paint too. They were often fragile, as teenagers can be behind the bravado. Showing them they could do something they had thought impossible, thought themselves incapable of achieving, mattered to them. Of course, the same thing applied to me, and from verbalising that doctrine of possibility I was, myself, obliged to listen. Bit of an eye-opener that.
In July 2009, with the attack on my son, I began to write every day. Letters and emails; a journal, updating the friends, known and unknown worldwide who lent their prayers and support to my son as he lay in the coma. Life had changed. How much I had no idea.
I had to learn to find and draw upon the reserves buried deep in all of us and I found my self image changing. Still far from confident I was, in many ways, in a dark place at that time. Suffering PTSD as a consequence of the attack on my son, clinging to a relationship that eroded more of me every day… and with my permission too… completely lacking in self confidence.
A weekend workshop in Tintagel in the spring of 2010… yes, there’s that number… was the catalyst for a completely life-changing journey. Me, the little mouse, hiding in corners and too shy to approach people, was thrust into a hotel bursting with people and a ritual that played out symbolically the healing of the deepest of wounds. I did not have to approach people, they knew me through my son’s story and I was seldom alone. I found it surprising.
As is the way with such rituals, and following a truly magical moment on the Thursday night where a white haired Lady called fire from heaven and I met the eyes of two women in recognition and love, what was seeded that weekend began to grow. I met another pair of eyes there too, and had I but known it the wheels had begun to turn. Then a chance encounter on a staircase was the arrow from a flaming bow that kindled something, a slow smouldering fire ready to leap into flame.
In April 2011 I thought I’d try this blogging thing. I had been doing a lot of writing privately. I created this site… very basic… and posted a poem just to see if I could work out how. A month later there were two articles. Then nothing. Silence. I forgot about it. Who, after all, could possibly want to read anything I’d written? I was right too as far as the stats went! So the writing stayed within the privacy settings of friends; a closed book, except for the controlled environment of carers’ forums, where there was anonymity , and the ongoing project with Gary Vasey and the Mystical Hexagram.
A year later, in May 2012, I began to share some of my son’s story. This time, driven by the need to support a campaign, the blogging was more regular and there was a post every few days. The campaign was for my son… and it had been instigated by Steve, with whom I had been working as part of the SOL (Servants of the Light) admin team as a way of giving something back for the incredible support the members of that School had given to my son. Steve was starting a new School and asked me to help with some artwork, and suddenly, it seemed, I too was part of that School and the Silent Eye was born.
Once more the blog had a purpose and by this time I was writing most days. And people, incredibly, were reading. My confidence had grown, the destructive relationship was ended, my son was in a home of his own and I was soon to have the house to myself as the last of the boys left home. And I was happy. Actively and truly happy and I had found a fierce joy in living.
With the beginnings of the School I met Stuart again… we had met briefly on one of Steve’s workshops, but barely knew one another. We talked most of one night through and then an impromptu adventure in the hills started a journey that has led to a small shelf full of books between the three of us. Datura Press published the Hexagram book. Sticking my whiskers out of the lifelong mousehole in some surprise, I found I was a writer and loving it.
Life shifted gear again with the official birth of the School in 2013, and by our first birthday we have gone global with students on four continents and we have been honoured to be invited to be involved with some wonderful projects. The original tentative premise of the Silent Eye has grown, melding what the three of us bring as individuals and what we are given to create into something beautiful that changes lives. It has certainly changed mine.
I write every day. In fact, most of my time is spent at the computer when I am not at work, with the books, students and things for the School. I have shared my joy in the landscape, my friendships and laughter. I have told of the griefs and mistakes. I have written fantasy, fact and speculation, and opened my heart on the pages of this blog. And it has changed me, allowing me to finally grow into myself and begin to know who I am. The world is a mirror, but you have to take action to look into it and see yourself, warts and all, before you can begin to see. I may exemplify the ‘starving artist’ in many ways, the past few years have held many griefs, hiccoughs and problems, I have looked, and continue to learn, through writing about life what life should and can be; I have looked in that mirror, cringing at what I saw… and I continue to look and learn.. and hopefully learn how to grow beyond the fears and weaknesses. I may never change the world, but it has changed me. Writing has changed me.
And I have never been happier in my life.
This morning I woke to 2010 followers… 136 countries, over 10,000 comments and 70,000 views. Numbers do not really matter as a rule, but this one did. That is 2010 people. People who have changed my life for the better and opened the doors of adventure for me.I have found friends, shared stories, tears and laughter and learned of the wider world from other writers across the world.
What can I say except…