You Screwed Up… That just proves You’re a Gallagher.
Truer words may never have been spoken… and of course they were delivered by none other than (mostly) wise beyond her nearly-30 years, Ms. Fiona Gallagher (Emmy Rossum).
Trapped in the throes of puberty, poor Debbie (Emma Kenney) just can’t seem to figure out the rules of this new, decidedly adult world that she’s suddenly been thrust into. Like many a young lass before her, she’s got a mind that’s racing to keep up with her rapidly changing body, and on top of that, she must navigate a sudden visibility to the opposite sex that can be daunting to say the least.
Perhaps unique to the Gallagher however, she’s also forced to compete with the whorey likes of her best bud, Skanky Holly (Danika Yarosh), a girl who clearly knows what boys like (and here’s a hint, it’s not the Purell douches).
After all, no one’s ever told Holly, now’s not the right time. Not pimply enamored followers… not perfect strangers… not even Foot Locker managers (don’t you just assume those guys have had a turn). And especially not her boyfriend, but that’s exactly what Mr. apparently waiting for marriage – or a hard cock if you ask me, Matty (James Allen McCune) said to our darling Deb when she bravely offered up her V card to him.
Since then, he’s put the kibosh on all sexual relations, and even a well-staged ‘selfie’ and some strategic aggression can’t pry that zipper open. I suppose that’s what one gets when they take advise from Mandy Milkovich (Emma Greenwell), a girl with a conquest list that makes Skanky Holly look like a vestal virgin, but whose best post-coital repertoire consists of begging for Moring After-Pill cash. And all while Fiona is ready, willing, and oh so able to dispense some no bullshit advise.
Fortunately, after Deb’s desperation to make things finally happen leads to an awkward, failed encounter in the sleazy arcade bathroom – not with Matty, but with one of Holly’s cast-offs - it’s clear that she’s at last ready to chat. Or more like sob uncontrollably onto Fiona’s shoulder, but what are big sis’s for? And let’s be honest, who hasn’t had one of those moments? Especially at age 13. Kudos to you Shameless for the first truly touching scene of the new season!
Now, if only Fiona could be such an ardent supporter of herself. Fully caught up and in some serious danger of being caught out there, our girl’s lust for the bad boy has her doing some truly crazy things. For starters, she’s taking time out of her busy schedule selling cups for her Boy Scout boyfriend Mike Pratt (Jake McDorman), to plan strategically timed finger festivities on the L with his beautiful disaster of a brother, Robbie (Nick Gehlfuss). Seriously – How the hell did he know when to get on, and how the hell did she manage to get off just before his stop??!!!)
Too bad they aren’t nearly as calculated when it comes to trading sexts in front of Fee’s cutie cuckold, or having counter sex (again) at Robbie’s place even though Mikey can – and does – show up at any moment.
This time they got away with it, but clearly Robert likes to play with fire about as much as he does his parent’s life savings, so things aren’t looking too good for Fiona’s love life, or her burgeoning professional life either. And to think, all as V (Shanola Hampton) says, for that tingle???!!!
Watch out for those warm feelings, Fee… Look what they did for Kev’s baby momma (Steve Howey)… They got V’s mom knocked up with her new unborn child/sister. They got her carrying triplets herself, and now, they’re about to lead the whole family into absolute financial ruin. Yes folks, with The Alibi more of a liability than a money-maker, and Stan’s old apartment as asbestos-ridden as a Catholic Grammar school in the 70’s, the couple’s not exactly ready to provide for their incubating Bobsled team. If only there was a way to exploit cheap immigrant labor to get stuff done at a fraction of the cost???!!!
Cue none other than the artful dodger himself, Mr. Mickey Milkovich (Noel Fisher). Everyone’s favorite hidden homo is fed up with the treatment that Svetlana (Isadora Goreshter) and the rest of the hand job whores down at the massage parlor have been receiving care of their shadowy Russian pimp Sasha (Svetlana Efremova). I mean, can you really blame the guy? What husband wouldn’t be pissed if his sorta fresh off the boat Russian Bride was forced to give bloweys and tugs to not-particularly discerning strangers day in and day out – without being fairly compensated for her hard work?
Thus it’s only natural that Mickey stages a walk-out on the job with the ladies, demanding that Sasha pay them their rightful wages before they return to work. Little does he know however, that Sasha’s got a whole new van of Caucasus Queens, ready for action and tight as pair of dear old Jimmy’s designer jeans (RIP big guy), and as far as she – yes, Sasha’s a she, because after all, no one’s more terrifying than a pissed off Russian chick – is concerned, he can have the old worn out hoes.
And speaking of pissed off Russian ladies, Sasha’s unexpected terms leave Mickey with little choice but to find gainful employment for a bevy of irate and highly illegal beauties before he experiences first hand their unmitigated wrath… and some really high pitched screaming. Alas, thank God for serendipitous America: where greedy profiteers and powerless immigrants have gone to hook up since 1776!
Just ask Kev! First the bar-owner got a crew of Mexicans who he found in the Home Depot Parking lot to peel the highly carcinogenic asbestos from Stan’s apartment for chump change and a half shot of cheap booze each, and now he’s about to collaborate with new Pimp in town, Mickey, to make the Alibi and it’s adjoining quarters the best little whorehouse in South Side Chicago.
And to think, if only Frank (William H. Macy) wasn’t facing more pressing concerns, this would be a scheme right up his alley. Sadly, he’s got that pesky rotting liver to think about, not to mention a grown daughter whom he abandoned years ago who now wants to jump his bones. In fairness to Sammi (Emily Bergle), she has no idea that Frank’s her daddy. She’s just looking for a little lovin’ and affection – apparently from anyone with a penis and a pulse – and if that means trading in a piece of her internal organ so that Frank can stick around to pay her some attention, than so be it.
Of course, there is the little problem of acquiring medical insurance for such a specialized operation, but according to Frank’s own Saul Goodman, Lou (Alex Borstein) that’s nothing that a last minute devastating injury in an opportune place can’t solve. I must admit, I don’t fully understand how Carl (Ethan Cutkosky) strapping some weights to his body and Jackassing himself off a latter onto Frank’s strategically placed leg – shattering it in 6 places – in the Gallagher home, will somehow reap these dividends, but it is nice to see the troubled teen fully committing himself to a task. Same goes for the Kathy Bates-like precision with which he chopped up those pills to drug dear old dad.
But alas, Sammi’s white blood cells end up attacking Frank’s, and she is rendered ineligible to be a donor for him. On the bright side though, tonight’s episode taught us that the newest Gallagher has a hidden talent in the form of an earth-shattering banshee scream, and we now know for sure that the single mom is so desperately lonely and devoid of self-esteem, that even the revelation of scumbag Frank’s true identity isn’t enough to chase her off. This might be the start of a beautiful parent-child relationship… just as long as the creepy incest vibe dissipates. Who knows??
One thing we can be sure of though is the fact that Lip (Jeremy Allen White) does not like his new school. To put it in his own words – or that of those emblazoned on his shirt – his sentiments about the venerable institution of higher learning rest more along the lines of Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck. Actually, he really just wants some one to give one, but it appears that his ineffectual dump of a roommate, and the snotty snatch who took his still wet clothes out of the dryer are not prime candidates.
Neither, it seems, are Dean Wheeler (Michael Mantell), or his Philosophy Professor, Dr. Moss (Gideon Emery), who have little interest in listening to Lip’s excuses when the South-Side lad shows up 6 minutes late for his midterm and is brutally rebuffed at the door. No worries though, the Gallagher is totally in control of his anger and capable of dealing with the setback with maturity and grace. That is if your idea of rising above the situation involves several parked cars, a pipe bender and the most vehicular destruction since Michael Jackson made his Black or White video.
All’s well that ends well though because apparently the astronomical tuition that these yuppie students are paying isn’t going to campus security; not only could the staff of Paul Blart’s not catch spry Lip, but evidently, not one camera exists on school grounds either.
That means that despite his violent outburst, and a surprise trip back to his old hood that found him rebedding Mandy (and whining like an entitled prick until she decked him), pontificating about the unfairness of life a la Frank, and getting some much needed sense talked into him by Kev, it appears that Lip’s academic days are not yet over. Even though he looks like a cross between Hugo Weaving and William Defoe – and seems to have the same countenance –Professor Moss does in fact give that ever-elusive fuck. Lip is able to retake the midterm and we are left with the promise of a new day and a new hope for the future of the Gallagher bloodline.
Let’s see how long that lasts!
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