The clock is ticking and it's nearly time for me to say goodbye to my 20's. I turn 30 on the 25th March and it's coming round fast! I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this, I know that a lot of people go through a bit of a crisis and freak out at the fact of turning the big 3-0. I think for me, I've found myself reflecting on the last 10 years- and more. So in true blogger style, I decided to share these reflections with you.
At school, I was a lost little girl. I really struggled to find myself and who I truly was. I had lost my Dad at an early age which was really hard for me. I struggled with self esteem and was so conscious of what others thought of me. I had a very low opinion of myself and felt as though I wasn't memorable to people. Often, I would avoid people or not make the effort to say hello because I felt as though that person wouldn't know/remember who I was. This wasn't to say that I was a loner, because I was quite the opposite. I hug around with a lovely group of girls and I had a lot of guy friends who I found really easy to get along with. Once I knew people, I really started to come out of my shell. Because of my self esteem issues, I think that when people saw me hanging around with others and was more comfortable with certain people- I was perceived as being vain and stuck up. They weren't afraid to let me know that this is what they though of me either! In fact, in our year 11 year book, I got voted 'vainest in the year'. This was totally devastating to me. I was a young girl, trying to figure out who I really was and I had been slapped with this label. I tried not to show people how upset it had made me, but it truly cut deep.
It took my a long time to shed that label, I think because of this, it made me even more conscious. I became very guarded and put up wall of steal to protect myself.
At the beginning of my 20's, I was full of ambition and desperate for people to take me seriously. I had a bee in my bonnet about people looking down on me because of my age and I was always trying to prove myself and show what I was capable of. Which, looking back, was silly really. A lot of the thoughts I had about the way people viewed me was entirely made up in my head.
I had so many hopes and dreams and was completely dedicated to improving myself and building a career for myself. It was around this time that I went through a bit of a rough patch. I was unhappy with where I was working at the time and it was beginning to affect my everyday life. This was the age that I discovered The Secret. I remember reading it in my mums back garden (I was still living at home at the time) in one afternoon- which was unheard of for me because I'm a really slow reader!
I felt that it was this point that I really started to understand that I had more impact on my future then I had previously realised. At 22 Anthony and I had bought out first house and I was happy working towards my career goals. I knew that I ultimately wanted to work towards becoming a Beauty Therapy Lecturer.
I'm always willing to do whatever it takes to achieve my goals. When I had finally made that leap of faith to start my Teacher training, I dedicated my time to the course while I was working full time a Salon as a Salon Manager and I also gave up my day off and worked on a voluntary basis at College. This ultimately paid off as I ended up getting a job at the college which is where I still am to this day.
After two years of training and putting literally everything I had into getting my qualification, I suddenly found myself with extra time which I didn't seem to know what to do with. At this point I was 25 and I reignited my passion for crafts and made the decision to start a blog.
I was very secretive about my blog at first. I didn't really tell anyone about it because I was conscious about what people would think. I didn't seem to be bothered about people in the blogging community knowing, but the thought of people I knew knowing about it filled me with fear. It was like I was being reverted back to my 16 year old self. For a couple of years I found joy in secret blogging, I really enjoyed having a creative outlet. I had let a few more people know about it including my closest family and some of my colleagues. My family and work buddies were so supportive of what I was doing and gave me great feedback. I started to feel a bit more comfortable about expressing myself and letting people know about it. I really started to work on my thoughts and break down any negative opinions I had of myself and remove my self sabotaging ways. I adopted a new mantra which I repeated to myself over and over again- 'What other people think of me is none of my business'. This really helped and I really started to become more comfortable in my own skin but I knew there was something that was holding me back from achieving what I wanted and knew I could achieve.
It suddenly occurred to me that I was scared that I would cross a 'professional boundary' if ever my students found out about my blogging. So I decided to have a chat with my boss (who was extremely supportive about my blogging) about where I stood with this. I was a little shocked when she said that it would be fine if they knew- as long I wasn't saying anything negative against the college (which I wouldn't anyway) it would be fine
I think at this point the metaphorical chains fell to the ground. I finally felt as though nothing could hold me back. From this point on, my blog and YouTube grew dramatically. I've spent the last few years putting so much time and energy into my blog and YouTube and have reaped the rewards by constantly achieving the goals that I set for myself. I finally feel that I am at a point in my life where I am comfortable in my own skin, I trust my instincts and I am not afraid to express my opinion- even if its an obscure one. Don't get me wrong I still have the odd wobble here and there, I still have a lot to learn from this thing called life, but I look at obstacles in a different way now. I guess yo could say, I feel the fear and do it anyway!
As far as my personal life goes, when I was in school, I said that I wanted to be married with kids by the time I was 25. When I turned 25 I said I wanted to be 30. Now I'm a few weeks away from 30, I'm happily married, but as far as kids go, well, I'm not too hung up on the fact that we will be having our first child when I'm on the other side of 30. That will happen at the right time for us. I am just so thankful to have such a loving and supportive man by my side everyday. He has unwavering faith in my abilities and always makes room for me to spread my wings without ever being too far away.
I've also learned that its not the amount of friends that you have that matters, but the quality. Having people around you that support you and inspire you. I am lucky enough to have a massive support system around me with some of the most amazing people. I am thankful for them every day of my life. I've also lost far too many people in my life, but I am thankful for the time that I had with them and live my life hoping that I would've made them proud.
So, here's to the next 10 years. I look forward to keeping those special bonds with my nearest and dearest and to welcoming in new people into my life. I have BIG plans and I shall be kicking things off with a big new project- But that's a secret for now ;)
The post Goodbye 20’s appeared first on Bella Coco by Sarah-Jayne.