We all have secrets. Sure, some are darker than others, but it’s also all a matter of perspective. For instance, that kid from college who buried the secret that he kept his eyes open during the entirety of his first kiss is not as bad as the kid from middle school who was hiding the secret that he used to stuff stray cats into gym bags before throwing them into the river. However, if you love eye contact and hate cats, you might a different opinion.
Luckily, Reddit is here yet again to make us feel better about ourselves and horrible about the world at large with a collection of some of the worst mess-ups people got away with. From pooping their pants to literal arson, you can check it all out below.
I_WASTE_MY_TIME:
I accidentally went on a date with a 14 year old when I was 20. I found out her age 4 years after the date. Nothing happened besides making out so I dodged a bullet there and she didn’t look 14 at aaaaall and was pretty smart and witty. I check IDs now.
Bumbershot:
I, uh, lit a swamp on fire. Really it was some friends at a party, but it was a pretty large fire for a while there. I’m on mobile, so I can’t type the full story now. But suffice to say we burned a fairly large area before getting things under control
whalehate:
I recorded something illegally (in my state) and at one point during the recording I said something. I thought I could keep it between me and a few people but somehow it got leaked. So it’s still out there, incriminating me because only a few people could’ve made the recording and my voice is right there on it. The people I recorded are very able to sue me or worse if they could prove it was me. But luckily so far I haven’t been served.
SuccumbedToReddit:
Late, but I accidentally set fire to a supermarket. Me and a few friends were like 12 and had just discovered FIRE. So we bought boxes of matches and were just doing tricks with it, if you can believe that.
On of them is putting the match top-down on the side of the box, hold it down with your left hand and with the right hand flick it away while igniting it. Great fun!
Until one day one of those matches fell in a big container parked behind the supermarket. This was at the loading dock with a big sliding hatch into the building. We thought nothing of it and went to get some candy. When we returned we saw smoke coming out of the container.
We panicked and threw open the container. This allowed for air to get to the flames and now the fire started to roar pretty good. We tried to extinguish it with big plastic crates that also stood behind the store but they too started burning and melting and finally the sliding hatch started to catch on fire as well.
Scared out of our minds we realized we couldn’t contain this fire and ran like hell. I lived 10 minutes away and watched the smoke from my bedroom window and heard the sirens of the firetrucks.
No one got hurt but they had to rebuild a section of the building. They expanded at the same time so I like to think I just sped up a decision that was already made.
I didn’t play with fire anymore after that.
cranberry94:
This my oldest brother’s story.
When he was in high school, he was a bit of a hot shot. Super popular, a bit off an ass, played on varsity, all that jazz.
Well, there was this mansion being built by the golf course a neighborhood over. And when I say mansion, I mean mansion. This thing was going to be huge. It would make the surrounding 3 story 6 bedroom homes look like its pool houses. Or slave quarters.
Well, my brother and his too-cool-for-school posse decided to throw a raver inside. Still under construction, and a long drive off the road, it was easy to remain undetected.
But one thing let to another, and the house caught fire. The kids scattered. The whole thing burned to the ground.
I didn’t know 50 teenagers were capable of such a secret, but they never got caught.
ohnospaghetto:
Two summers ago I was driving home from my friends house. We had smacked enough gravity bongs to put down an elephant. Luckily due to my otherworldly vibes, I had to stop at Wendys.
Wendy’s bag in my passenger seat, I start heading home down a main road through my town. Quite literally I had never seen a cop on this road in the 20 years I had lived there prior. The speed limit is about 45, and I hadnt kept an eye on my speedometer. I also was literally flying an alien spaceship, I was so ripped that all I was thinking about was the Wendy’s I had waiting for me.
All of a sudden I notice a car riding my ass. It was not a cop car, so I was a bit worried. I pulled a quick turn into 7/11 and boom, the red and blue lights flip on.
In my back seat I had little glass bong, and about an eighth of funky green stuff. I also had a couple gravity bongs made from gatorade caps. I currently was a sophomore at college where I played football and had an internship secured for the coming summer.
Cop comes up to my car, asks for my license and registration. I could not be internally freaking out more, I knew he was going to smell what was in my back seat. I hand him my license and open up my glove compartment to get my registration. I never have taken it out of there, so I know it had to be in there. After about 3 flips through the dozens of pieces of paper I had in my glovebox, I realized I was too high to remember what my registration looked like. The cop asks me again for my registration, I tell him I know its in here but I can’t find it. He asks if i know how fast I was going and if I knew the speed limit. I told him I did not see my speed, but somehow pulled it out of my ass the speed limit was 45.
He said he got me going 59. I knew I was fucked. I was just hoping and praying he didn’t further explore my car or make me do any type of sobriety test. Walks back to his car, he is in there for about 5 minutes. I’ve never silently prayed so hard in my entire life.
He comes back, looks at me and says I’m going to let you go tonight. I need you to make sure you’re going the speed limit and always have your registration on you. Have a great night.
I truly couldn’t believe it. Some of the theories I had was 1) I was wearing my college football shirt. Maybe there was an off chance he saw this and was a fan and gave me sympathy. 2) This happened in my hometown. I was definitely no star, but a recognizable name on the varsity football team in our town and had just graduated a couple years ago. There were always cops at our games, maybe he recognized me from them. 3) The wendy’s covered up the smell. I got nuggets and a bacon cheeseburger. I also had the window down for a bit after getting the drive through. Finally, 4) this happened 5 minutes away from my house. Maybe he saw my address and knew I wasn’t any danger to someone, just a high kid with wendy’s heading home.
I also found out later that he was the township drug enforcement cop from my friend whose friend had got busted. He was in a dark grey dodge challenger, this is how he knew it.
When I got home I looked at myself, my eyes were red as the devils dick. I got the fuck off the hook. Going 14 over, no registration, high as hell, and weed and paraphernalia in my backseat. I also checked my glovebox the next morning, my registration was like the 3rd piece of paper in the stack. Glory to the lord.
TL;DR: Cop let me go after smacking about 15 gb’s
SpaderTanker:
When I was a kid visiting a cemetery I saw a beer by a tombstone assumed some drunk accidentally left it there last night, poured it out and threw it away. Continued to find 3 more beers did the same and when I got back in the car with my parents I asked, “Does a beer by a tomb stone mean anything or is some guy just really lazy?” My dad told me that the tombstone was for somebody’s friend and they take one swift and leave the rest for their friend in heaven to share one last beer. I fucked up…
FilthyPeteTx:
After a hard night of liquor and bong rips at a friends house, I needed to head home. Before leaving, I was offered a few more hits before getting on the road, I had some good friends. Jumped in my ’67 baby blue Bonneville and made my way to local taco shop on the way to the interstate for the morning commute traffic. Shortly after being on the freeway a starting to climb a steep grade, I got that all familiar wave, where your just praying to make it home.
At that same moment a CHP patrol car pulls up along side me and I had two officers staring me down. I looked down and saw that I was doing 40 in a 65mph zone. I was about to shit myself. Instead of doing something stupid I was going to turn my self in. So I shrug my shoulders and lifted my breakfast burrito. Surprisingly, the cops smiled waved and moved on to more important things. Im not sure what made them pass over me like that. Was it the young kid in an struggling car or what.
Kordwar:
I was a security guard for six months or so and one day a guy asked for a spare key for his locker because he forgot his. I signed out the key and gave him one, only to realize that I had given him the last key on the hook which turned out to be a master key for all the lockers. I figured he would unlock his stuff and bring the key back to me but he never came back and just started his twelve hour shift. So I had to go track him down and get it back, which I did.
Miss_Sangwitch:
When I was in high school I started up my own little internet business and never paid taxes on the income I made which well exceeded what was taxable. As a teenager no one teaches you about taxes and it isn’t exactly something that is top of mind.
poopellar:
I used to ride my scooter to school, and one day I ended up having a half day(i.e I got to go home by noon). So I took my scooter out and ended up meeting one of my friends from another class near the bike lot. So this guy wanted to have a spin in my scooter, and so i let him. He goes around the block and comes back to me. He gets off, and I like a dumbass held the right handle, aka the ACCELERATOR. My scooter zooms off into a line of bikes, and the shelf falling on shelf chain thing happens, but with a SHIT TON OF BIKES. I did a quick nod to my friend implying ‘we weren’t here’, and we both made a run for it. The next couple of days in school were tense and I was hoping nobody came looking for me, but the topic never even came up in class so I guess not many knew about it.
Mitchenmanjensen:
I used to work as a valet driver. I was working a restaurant one night on a busy divided highway, and basically we had to drive the customer’s car up to the next red light, then make a U turn so we could drive back down and park in the lot on the other side of the street.
A guy pulled up with a new Ford F-250 (<25,000 miles). I got in and drove up to the light where I would need to make the U-turn. Because I didn’t get there before the light turned red, I didn’t get the green arrow that allows me to turn left before the oncoming traffic gets to go (live in America). Instead I got a green light, and not wanting to let the line of traffic go by before I could make my turn, I decided to go for it. I didn’t quite take into account how wide a turn radius a Ford F-250 has, and I nicked the sidewalk with the front right tire. When I parked it and got out, there was an obvious scratch and dent in the rim where I had hid the curb.
Basically, telling would have meant that I got fired, and not telling would have meant that get fired only if they found out. I chose not to tell, and the guy didn’t notice when he got back out.
Edit – grammar
ryannntv:
Not me, but a friend got a girl pregnant when we were 15, and his girlfriend ended up having miscarriage, so nobody knew except them and me. I only knew because he told me.
eagle00255:
I was working overtime in a shopping and receiving warehouse for a large pharmaceutical company. Put a bunch of packaging labels on products to be shipped to an area that was recently hit by a tsunami. However I wasn’t paying attention and instead of sending them to that area I got my orders mixed up (I was new to the job and young and stupid). Clocked out of overtime and went home when I put them on the truck. Week later there is hell being raised because $4 MILLION worth of product got shipped to California instead of the tsunami zone… They never figured out who did it because they have terrible process tracking…
To all the people who needed medicine from that tsunami, I apologize.
Luvurbutterfly:
About 10 years ago, I slept with my bosses son at work, after hours, on my bosses desk, on the waiting room couch, and on the conference table. The following morning, a conference was called between office staff. There was dried “stuff” on the table. Lol. Anyway, someone yelled out ” somebody has been eating cookies and milk in here again and spilled the fucking milk…again.” I couldn’t keep a straight face, had to excuse myself outside for a cigarette so I could laugh my ass off. Oh wow, that was a dark time in my life and a mistake. But at the time I thought it was a good idea.
BoRamShote:
Me and my buddy ran a theft ring out of the electronics section of the big box store we worked at. Over the course of two years we probably moved about $45,000 of ipods, gaming gear, games, cds, speakers, you name it. One day we slipped up and almost got caught and they had us on watch because they noticed how much stuff had been disappearing. Then some dick weed that fondled our sleeping friend at a party once got wind of it (he worked in receiving) and decided he wanted some of the action. The idiot swiped and entire shipment of ten ps3’s and two tv’s in one shift and went down for the whole thing. My buddy got promoted to customer service and I became the garden center supervisor. 2009 was hilarious.
edit: It’s not something I would advise doing, nor would I do it again. I really didn’t care though and honestly still don’t. The other guy didn’t get in trouble for what we did because they didn’t quite know the extent of what was going on (we weren’t the only ones, the front end was going bonkers), he just took all the suspicion off us. He also didn’t get arrested or anything. I guess they couldn’t prove anything so they found another reason to fire the guy (which he already had coming) So I didn’t feel all that bad for him. Its a huge international retailer and no one was really the wiser, I view it as essentially victim-less. I would never do it to anything like a mom and pop shop or an owner franchised chain or whatever or even a specialty place like a best buy. It was more of a stick in the ass of the corporation. It wasn’t even for a gain. well over 75% the time we weren’t selling anything we were just giving it away. I got my friends mom a new cell phone when she couldn’t afford one, I once saw a kid drop an old ass ipod and break it and just gave him the one I was using because I knew I could get a new one. I own nothing of what we took and neither does my buddy. I think I made about 150 bucks and got like an ounce of pot over the two years. Its not something I’m gonna tell my kids about but it was fun to play Robin Hood, no one got hurt in any way, and I can’t change a thing about it. I’ve never felt any sort of regret for it and at this point I doubt I ever will.
S-uperstitions:
So I was a scientifically inclined high school student and I wanted to drink.
I scoffed at getting a fake, or buying second hand because I knew that I could make booze at home – between the bread machine and pantry I had yeast, sugar, and juice! What else does an inquisitive teenager need to make some sweet sweet booze?
While everyone was away I launched my plot – I filled water bottles from the recycling bin with grapejuice, brown sugar, bread machine yeast and stowed them in my desk.
Some time later (a week?) I go back to my bottles. To my disgust, the drawer that I hid them in is filled with gross. Half of my bottles have literally exploded; the corners of the drawer is pregnant with a spongy dank mass. All is not lost however, it seems like two of my bottles meerly distended past all recognition – they were shaped like footballs and quivered slightly at my touch.
I knew then that I had to taste the contents of one of the still intact plastic bottles, before they too broke. I thought I was ready to open the first intact one in the sink – but I was wrong.
I grab the neck of the beast with one hand, the other I place carefully over the cap. I start to rotate the cap when BLAM the contents explode in my face. The angle of the sink meant that the concoction drenched my person, the counters to my sides, the floor behind me, and the window/blinds in front of me.
The other bottle I opened much more carefully, letting pressure off just a little bit at a time. Im really glad that there wasnt that much liquid for me to drink though. I ended up choking down the semi-solid mass that the yeast had become (which was a huge mistake, my butthole thoroughly regretted the explosive results that followed)
I cleaned up the mess I had made in the sink, the floor, and the countertops, but totally forgot about the window/blinds. When she asked I just told my mom “Oh that was a coke that I shouldnt have tried to open.” TLDR: teenage me tried to make booze at home and might or might not have fermented anything other than a mess in the window
Triyamoto:
In secondary school I always quite enjoyed drama class, except for the fact we had a few complete degenerate kids who always did their best to ruin it. One class we were in the main hall and the stage had these detachable wooden steps leading up to it from the floor. A couple of these degenerate kids were running up and down these steps and hiding behind the stage curtains and the teacher was telling them to stop or else she’d go get the head (principle for the rest of you). They ignored her and so she went marching out of the hall to get some help. So I decided with the urging of my friends to get these kids good. While the teacher was gone and the degenerates were still hiding, I undid the clasps that held the wooden stage steps in place in anticipation of the hilarity that would ensure when one of these kids would come flying down them. Instead, the teacher came back into the room alone and finding that they were still on the stage, decided to March up the steps after them. As soon as her foot touched down on the first step, the whole thing collapsed beneath her with a sickening snap coming from her leg. She was crutches for almost a year after that. No one in that class of 30-odd kids ever grassed me up even though they all knew I did it.
SaLexi:
I guess it’s time to get this off my conscience. I was about 8-10 yo and hanging out with the wrong kids. Walking down the road we saw a car parked on the side of the road and the biggest and the baddest kid had a wonderful idea – let’s wreck that car! And so we did, broke all the windows etc. I knew I was doing wrong but I wanted to impress the though kids… We left the scene and never got caught.
A couple month later I was waiting with my dad for his friend to give us a drive. It was quite awful to see that same car pick us up. And there I was sitting in the backseat. The guy was very nice, offered me some candy. While driving he cursed to my father how some punks wrecked his car. I kept my cool though I was terrified and ate the candy. Never got caught, never again did stupid stuff like that to impress anyone.
Blair_Force_One:
This happened when I was 14, and I still can’t believe I got away with it.
I was on the school coach on the way to school, when it started snowing. The roads became clogged with traffic and slowed to a crawl. Almost immediately, I noticed a cramping pain in my stomach. I tried to ignore it. The pain built to a crescendo, to the point where I couldn’t even enjoy the Simpsons episode I had downloaded on my 1st gen iPod touch.
Eventually we neared the school, and I thought I was going to make it. However the coach missed the usual turn, adding an extra, incalculably painful, 5 minutes to the journey.
It was at this point I made my fatal error, and decided to release a little fart to try to relieve the pressure. Horrible, molten poo shot from my anus and bubbled its way along my thighs and down my trousers. More and more gushed out, like a tidal wave of rancidity. The smell was horrendous, it burnt the nostrils.
Someone laughed, ‘Eww, did you shit youself or something??’ How I laughed along with them, while my dark grey school trousers hid my shame. The second we got off the coach, I waddled to the nearest toilets, binned my trousers, and changed into my gym kit. We had a little shop on campus, so I was able to buy some more trousers. I stank of poo all day, and 10 years later no one realised I shat myself on school property.
CatchMyException:
Not me but a friend burnt down a paint factory, the factory was next to a train line so all trains had to be stopped, this was all while on his break time at school. He was never caught, delayed hundreds of people and caused thousands in damaged. He still has the news paper article about it. He said it was an accident but he’d burnt down other building in the past so I’m pretty sure it wasn’t.
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