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So when last
we left our heroes, they were all punished by being forced to watch the main
event. I could keep typing for hours and
not come up with a snarkier line than that.
Daniel Bryan held his own against all three members of the Shield, but
eventually they got tired of playing by the rules and left him flat on his
back. And to add insult to injury, he
was spraypainted on SmackDown. The sign
at WWE headquarters should read “IT HAS BEEN [17] DAYS SINCE WE ENDED A SHOW ON
A HIGH NOTE”.
TONIGHT: CM
Punk and Daniel Bryan have things to say!
- The PG
Rant for Monday Night Raw, September 2, 2013.
- Live from
Des Moines, IA.
- Your hosts
are Michael Cole, JBL, and Jerry Lawler.
- Note to
self: insert page break here.
- And we
open with Triple H in the ring. Again. And again, the Shield are only watching one
side of him. Some bodyguards. HHH wastes no time in giving us Randy
Orton. Cole calls this the Reign of
Terror, which makes no sense as no one’s been beheaded yet. JBL is playing HHH’s flunky on
commentary. Orton says he’s out to
protect the WWE, and the image can’t be tarnished. Hate him, and you hate the WWE. This prompts a NO chant. Just acknowledging Daniel Bryan prompts a YES
chant. He’s insanely over. Orton discusses the Escalade defacing,
calling it his personal property – read last week’s RAW for what HHH thinks of
that – and so Orton defaced Bryan.
Honestly, this bit on SmackDown should’ve been on RAW last week to put
the heat on Orton. Now Orton will play
audience participation: 1) Should Daniel Bryan face Orton at Night of
Champions? Crowd says YES. Orton says NO. 2) Does Daniel Bryan have the slightest
chance of beating Orton? Same answers as
before. 3) Will Bryan amount to
anything? Repeat. Even though I’d say Bryan already HAS
amounted to something. They’re milking
this “B+” thing for all it’s worth. 4)
Should Daniel Bryan surrender his match?
Now the answers are reversed.
Well, that’s great and all, but who would replace him? Now HHH speaks. His responsibility is for the best product on
Raw. He says we deserve to have the best
each week. AND THAT’S A SHOOT,
BROTHER! But he also needs to ensure the
health of everyone, and given what Daniel Bryan’s been through, there’s cause
for concern. He then says we’re the
problem because we encourage him. The crowd
is being played HARD tonight. HHH says
that popularity is not what’s best for business. And this brings us to… Doink the Clown? Yes, even though he’s popular, he wasn’t good
for business. Matt Borne just rolled
over in his grave. Before this gets any
sillier, we have Daniel Bryan out. He
says he’s th-rilled to be compared to Doink, but thinks HHH and Orton are a
better comparison. BURN. Bryan says HHH stopped being a man when he
went corporate. It’s official, this is
Austin/McMahon. Meanwhile, Orton had the
belt handed to him. What was Money in
the Bank, then? Seriously, Sandow should
take offense to that. Bottom line: he’s
not giving anything up, and Orton is less of a man than Stephanie. Orton makes it clear: the beatings will
continue until Bryan stops trying. How
much will Bryan be hurt before he gets it?
There’s shades of Horsemen threats in this, and I love it. And now the difference: Orton was told the
sky was the limit for him, but Bryan was told he had a ceiling. So Orton never had a chip on his shoulder,
and Bryan DOES. WE NEED MORE OF
THIS. Bryan loves to fight above his
weight, and Orton will never understand what it’s like to take because he was
given it all. Bryan KNOWS he’ll
win. This is MONEY, right here, between
these two. And he knows everyone knows
it because otherwise, he’d let Orton win on his own, which he doesn’t. “Randy Orton may have the genetics of a
champion, but Randy, you don’t have the heart of a champion.” MONEY.
HHH cuts off Bryan before he uses the b-word and calls him a grumpy
troll. HHH says Bryan is supposed to be
angry at himself and at Big Show. HHH
mentions the IRONCLAD CONTRACT and wonders why Big Show does nothing. WHOA, saving throw! So tonight, it’s Bryan v Big Show in the main
event. Bryan and Orton are KILLING IT in
opening remarks. Orton needs to speak
more for himself because he’s doing great, and whoever’s writing these lines
for Bryan – even if it’s Bryan himself – is hitting home runs. This was a FANTASTIC segment between those
two.
- Backstage,
Orton and HHH are laughing and joking, and then they cross paths with Cody
Rhodes. He applauds the main event… as
long as there’s no interference. Though
he asks why Orton is ducking Bryan, since he’s not scared of him. He says Orton/Bryan is what’s best for
business. But it’s because Cody’s
getting married, and by the way, HHH and Orton weren’t invited. So Cody’s present is a non-title match with Orton,
and if Cody loses, he’s fired.
- Fandango
v. Miz. No Rosa this week. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Miz fires off with rights to start, and a
hiptoss follows. Blind charge misses, but
Fandango is caught and bails. Miz kicks
Fandango on the outside and drops him on the rail. Miz tangoes away some Summer Rae interference
and gets a rollup for two and a flapjack for two. Headlock takedown by Miz. Fandango backs Miz into the corner and slugs
away, then cross-corner whips Miz only to get clotheslined. Miz… tunes up the band? Yup, and there’s a drive-by boot for
two. Back to the headlock as we go to
break. Back with Fandango in control as
he gets a Hammer Throw for two.
Apparently, Fandango’s nose is broken.
Choking in the second rope by Fandango, setting up a slap by Summer
Rae. Miz is fired up and fights back,
but a blind charge hits boot. Fandango
goes up top and gets slammed off – nice to see Flair’s legacy being divided
among midcarders, isn’t it? – and now the figure-four try is stopped. Through the ropes clothesline is dodged, and
Fandango does the guillotine legdrop WCW cruiserweights used all the time. He may have tweaked his leg, and Miz sees
this and goes for something resembling the figure-four for the tapout at
8:15. That came out of nowhere. *3/4 Time to check the injury wire, I guess.
- Backstage,
Booker T meets Daniel Bryan and needs to talk.
He says Bryan can’t beat the McMahons and HHH, but he’s too big to be in
high schools. Insert TNA joke here. Booker advises Bryan to give up the title
match, which infuriates Bryan. It’s the
principle of the thing, dammit! Booker
warns that they’ll cripple Bryan and maybe blackball him. He’s just saying to be careful. Bryan won’t listen. Man, I was so hoping for a WrestleMania 19
reference.
- We look
back at last week’s Punk/Axel/Heyman segment.
- Dolph
Ziggler v. Dean Ambrose. What, you
expected Doink? Ambrose jumps Ziggler
from behind and tosses him into the post before the bell. “You’ll learn to respect the business.” Wait, just kidding, it’s not Ambrose either.
- Dolph
Ziggler v. Ryback. Cole connects the
dots. JBL thinks they’re just
tinfoils. Ryback’s blind charge misses,
but he runs into an overhead suplex.
Shots to the back of the head follow, and Ryback adds a foot choke. Hairpull throw follows as Ryback taunts
Ziggler. Ryback tries to give Ziggler
another concussion and fish-hooks him.
More stomping. Ryback shoves
Ziggler down as the crowd chants “You Can’t Wrestle” at Ryback. I HATE THAT CHANT. More ragdolling by Ziggler, and FINALLY
Ryback sets up the Meathook, but runs into a dropkick. Stinger Splash and ten punch countalong keeps
the momentum up, but Ryback gets the Meathook on a charge. Shell Shocked finishes at 3:07. This was more angle than match, but it got
over Ziggler’s fighting spirit and Ryback’s bully character. 1/2*
- Meanwhile,
Brad Maddox reports that Big Show is refusing the match. IRONCLAD CONTRACT, brother! Stephanie promises to take care of it,
probably in the ring.
- Los
Matadores! They’re still on their way!
- So back to
the ring with Stephanie. Stephanie talks
about someone who influenced her when she was younger… Big Show. Because Big Show broke into the business when
Stephanie was, what, 14? And joined WWE
when she was 18? Whatever, as long as it
gets Big Show to the ring. Aww, what a
cute hug. Stephanie tries to have a
heart-to-heart with Show. Stephanie says
she was his 12-year-old friend. Um… Big
Show was at Wichita State at the time.
And apparently, Big Show has no money from his ironclad contract. It’s public record, don’t ya know. And apparently, he can be in breach of his ironclad
contract. Someone doesn’t understand
what IRONCLAD means. And it’s not like
he can go to Hollywood or anything like that.
All he can do is be in WWE. And
is he willing to give it up over one match, really? And if he’s fired, he won’t be around long
enough to take care of his family. So he
HAS to wrestle and do the right thing.
Wow, this is cruel. Stephanie
makes it clear it hurts her more than it hurts him – riiight – before giving
him a sympathetic hug. This is… wow,
Stephanie was GOOD in that segment. So
what does Show do? Break down in
tears? The camera lingers on Show’s face
for waaaay too long before going to break.
Um… yeah, Stephanie found her niche.
We know it’s insincere, but it’s also possible to be retconned as being
legitimate. And we’ve all had those
poisonous friends.
- Next week:
EDGE.
- During the
Break, Big Show throws a temper tantrum backstage. And a laptop.
And a catering table. Which you
would know only if you downloaded the exclusive WWE App. Note to Alanis Morrisette: does that count as
ironic?
- Heath
Slater and Jinder Mahal v. Prime Time Players.
So is Drew McIntyre being kept out of the ring because of the
barfight? Cole mentions Titus O’Neil
being a part of an all-star panel, as though HE’S the reason the PTPers are
getting publicity. O’Neil and Slater
start. Slater ducks and punches O’Neil
before mocking the frat pledge, which is a huge mistake. O’Neil corners Slater and does the whistle
stomp. Young in, and it’s a double
shoulder tackle for two. Slater rushes
Young into the corner and brings Mahal in, who doesn’t do much better at first
but gets a tackle and runs into a forearm and atomic drop. Polish Hammer gets one. Blind charge by Mahal eats boot, but Young
goes up and regrets it. Slater in with
the double stomps. JBL covers the Not
Quite Ironclad part by saying Laurinaitis is a shmuck, which is perfectly reasonable. Slater with a bottom rope guillotine catapult
and we HIT THE CHINLOCK. Young headbutts
out, but Slater with a neckbreaker for two.
Mahal in with a series of kneedrops.
Slater in again, and he boxes Young down before continuing with the
choking and chinlockery. He hooks the
mouth for effect, so there’s that. Young
headbutts out again and catches Slater in a Greco-Roman throw. Hot tag O’Neil, and Mahal is bulldozed. Corner clothesline and fallaway slam follow,
then a big boot gets two before Slater saves.
Young cleans house, but a knee to the back sends him out. Big spinebuster by O’Neil on Mahal ends it at
5:29. 3MB mean nothing, so this was
acceptable. *1/4
- Back to
Brad Maddox now, who is confronted by Paul Heyman. Heyman is furious about the WWE App match
last week. And he’s mad at the Night of
Champions match, which, to recap, is Axel/Heyman v. Punk. That’s not what’s best for business, he
claims. But HHH stops the brow-beating
because someone said the magic words.
Seriously. HHH approved the
match, too, which makes Heyman do a 180 in attitude. Fun.
It had nothing to do with HHH and Heyman’s sordid past, of course
not. HHH admires Heyman’s Heenanesque
abilities, but HHH doesn’t see Heyman getting out of this one. Of course, it’s possible that Heyman gets out
– remember, all that’s needed is for Axel to beat Punk – but maybe Heyman
deserves a beating. And HHH wins either
way, which is what’s important. I love
shoot comments that aren’t meant to be shoot comments.
- Meanwhile,
the Wyatt Family is creepy. Still. He mentions the myth of Icarus as an example
of pride going before the fall, and he ties it into Kane’s disappearance. Kane was a victim of his own pride. Wyatt teases that Kane is gone, but it’s all
Kane’s fault. It’s implied they took
Kane to Hell. Lawler calls Wyatt the
Minister of Sinister, and I’d say an indirect comparison to James Mitchell is a
compliment.
- Cody
Rhodes v. Randy Orton. As a reminder:
this is non-title, but Rhodes’ career may be on the line. Apparently, Rhodes was chewing out Brad
Maddox during the break and the camera caught it. Did JBL just namedrop Gareth Bale? Cole finally asks if JBL is a toady. Orton with a ton of back elbows in the
corner, but Rhodes fights out and corners Orton. Commentary overshadows the match as Orton
gets a clothesline. Orton with a suplex
drop on the top rope as Lawler tries to focus on the match, and Rhodes is
dumped. Rhodes sends Orton into the
steps outside, and back in, it gets two.
Hammerlock/chinlock combo by Rhodes, but Orton fights out and slugs
Rhodes down only to walk into a dropkick for two. Rhodes corners Orton again, then explodes out
of the corner with a clothesline of his own for two, twice. Rhodes chokes Orton on the ropes, showing
desperation, but Orton cheap shots Rhodes for two. Orton goes CLUBBERIN, THEY BE CLUBBERIN, TONY
on Rhodes’s chest to set up a stomp to the head and work in the corner. Ten punch countalong – which the crowd does –
but Rhodes reverses into a front suplex and ten punches of his own, but Orton
goes low and gets an avalanche inside-out backbreaker. And we take a break. We return with the fight on the outside as
Rhodes has the advantage. Orton keeps
his distance, but Rhodes charges only to get the worst of it. Orton with a back suplex on the barricade,
and he slowly punches away on the outside.
Back in, it gets two. Is that a “SLATERS
GONNA SLATE” chant? Orton pounds away on
Rhodes in the ring, and a kneedrop gets two.
Back to the chinlock as the WWE locker room is watching. Yes, even Fandango. Something is going on in the crowd, so they
hold the chinlock. Blind charge by Orton
misses when it’s over, and Rhodes with the comeback. Sliding uppercut follows as Cody goes up top
with a springboard dropkick for two.
Disaster Kick misses, but it connects on the second try for two. Crowd is getting back into the match. Moonsault press attempt airballs, and Orton
gets two off of it. Draping DDT
follows. Orton fires the crowd up
ironically and goes to finish, but Rhodes counters to Cross Rhodes for
two. I thought that could’ve been the
finish. Orton kicks Rhodes away and
hangs onto the ropes, getting a Hotshot.
Rhodes intercepts Orton and rolls him up for two. Disaster Kick misses and Orton targets the
knee, and it’s the finish as the RKO seals Rhodes’s fate at 13:46. Orton is on FIRE. ***1/2 That’s two straight great matches he’s
had. I even forgive the chinlock while
the crowd was distracted, because there’s nothing wrong with resting if the
crowd isn’t watching. HHH puts Rhodes’s
effort over, but it’s not enough and he’s fired. It’s just business, really. Here’s my question: I understand writing him
off TV, but how do you write him back on when there’s no face authority figure? I mean, yeah, it’s more for the evil
administration story and when Rhodes returns he’ll get a huge pop, but
something NEEDS to happen in between.
- CM Punk
has something to say! The announcers say
that if Punk eliminates Axel, Heyman must face him. In a match.
Where a countout is possible.
Loophole much? Punk says that a
promise means something to him if not to others, and he doesn’t make promises…
until now. He promises no more empty
threats or talking (especially to the fan in the front row) because Punk doesn’t
know what to say next. He says there’s
nothing left to say, and we’ve heard it all already. And even though he’s dressed to compete, he
doesn’t want to wrestle or talk. So he
says he wants to fight. I always find it
cute when people take 1000 words to say they have nothing left to say. He doesn’t care if Axel’s in the way to get
to Heyman, he’ll go through Axel.
Fortunately, they’ll be his in two weeks. Punk’s so mad he doesn’t even want to fight
Punk. He says there will be a Biblical
ass-beating. Overturn those money
tables, Punk! Punk has one last thing to
say (I thought he had nothing to say), and that is to remember that he will get
his hands on Paul Heyman in 13 days. It’s
a guarantee, and you will see it if you order the show! SHILL, BABY, SHILL! He says things will get ugly then, and he
will break Heyman’s face – and it’s a PROMISE.
Even with the logical loopholes, Punk brings the goods.
- Meanwhile,
back in the locker room, Bryan and Big Show have a face-to-face. Show apologizes, but Bryan says it’s just a
match and it doesn’t matter to him.
Bryan will conquer any obstacle, but Show reminds Bryan that people are
getting FIRED over this. Show says he
has to do his best and will bring the fight to Bryan. And Bryan promises a victory.
- Natalya v.
Naomi v. Brie Bella. Winner faces AJ at
Night of Champions (presumably). AJ
skips over to commentary. Brie kicks
Natalya, but Naomi gets a leg lariat only to get rolled up by Natalya for
two. Natalya goes into the corner, and a
facejam by Brie on Naomi gets two.
Natalya with a jackknife pin for two.
Brie back in control, and a knee to Natalya’s face. Naomi leaps over Brie’s charge, but Natalya
breaks up her sunset flip attempt only to get cradled by Naomi for two. Sharpshooter try, but Naomi worms to the corner. Brie charges only to get caught by Natalya,
and AJ ends the match at 1:47. Everyone
attacks AJ, proving she’s too crazy for her own good. She has no one but herself to blame for that
one. I’m guessing this sets up a
four-way for Night of Champions.
- Los
Matadores. Still. On their way.
And so on.
- Damien
Sandow v. Rob Van Dam. Ricardo just isn’t
the same when he’s not introducing people in Spanish. Sandow backs RVD into the corner and attacks
with kicks and headbutts. RVD pops out
with a spin kick from a cross-corner whip and kicks away, but Sandow blocks a
rana and slams RVD for two. Sandow
stomps away, only to get caught with his leg rollup for two. Sandow with something for two. Look, I’m recapping live, okay? I’m gonna miss a thing or two. Sorry!
Sandow with a half-nelson headlock.
Sandow yanks the hair to cut off a comeback and chokes away with the
boot. RVD blocks a charge to the corner
and gets a springboard kick… and here’s ADR’s music, with Del Rio himself not
far behind. Sandow uses the distraction
(because of course it’s a distraction) to dump RVD as we go to break. Well, at least it wasn’t the finish. And I don’t own a DVR, so I’m not going back
to find out what I missed. If someone
wants to buy me one, I’d appreciate it.
We return with a chinlock by Sandow as we find out during the break that
Sandow got hit by a moonsault press before throwing RVD into the apron. Back suplex by Sandow gets two. RVD tries to vault over Sandow, but Sandow
doesn’t bite and gets the Edge-O-Matic for two.
Smart move. That’s how you book a
match with a guy who’s supposed to be a brainiac. RVD gets a huge kick to gain control and
slugs away. Sandow stops it with a
Russian legsweep and Cubito Aequet. It
gets two. Twice. Sandow goes to a surfboard, but RVD fights
out only to get guillotined and given the Austin Straddle for two. Or is it the Bossman Straddle? Jarrett Straddle? Swinging neckbreaker by Sandow gets two. RVD with a small package for two. Clotheslining follows by RVD, then Rolling
Thunder follows. RVD looks to go up, but
Sandow catches him with a cradle for two while he’s stalling. Smart move.
RVD Hotshots Sandow for separation, and this time it’s the Five-Star for
the pin at 10:02. I kinda wish they’d
booked a DQ here, since neither man should afford a loss, but if they had to
have someone win, this was the right call.
**
- And the
four-way Divas match is set up by Stephanie for Night of Champions. Good for them.
- Cody is
escorted out of the arena. Josh Mathews,
for some reason, asks for last words.
And Cody goes off on how Vince has treated Cody, Dustin, and Dusty. Then he storms off. Doesn’t Josh have something better to do?
- And here
we go again. The locker room is emptied
so they can watch the main event. One of
these days it’s going to backfire. But
when?
- Main
event: Daniel Bryan v. Big Show. Big
Show clearly doesn’t want to do this.
JBL talks about the pickle Show’s in as Show apologizes to Bryan in the
ring. Bryan finally says “enough of this”
and attacks, but Show shoves him aside and tries to apologize some more. Bryan attacks again, but Show shrugs him off
and throws Bryan away, begging not to do this.
Bryan goes back in and clips Show, then boots away. A dropkick follows as Bryan is a little
angry, and the cover gets one. Bryan
with a cross-corner dropkick, twice, but he gets booted down on the third
try. “I told you not to make me do this!” Big slaps in the corner by Show and he gets
bealed. Big slam follows. “See what you made me do now? I don’t wanna hurt you!” Did one of the writers get abused as a
kid? Between this and Heyman, I wonder
if Stephanie has daddy issues. Bryan
with the yes kicks, but he gets bowled over.
“Stop fighting! I don’t wanna do
this to you!” Show’s pleas fall on deaf
ears as Bryan attacks and gets knocked over.
Show with a gut punch as I wonder why the endgame can’t be Bryan WINNING
the match. Cross-corner whip and Show
sandwiches Bryan only for Bryan to go with a low dropkick. Now the Yes Kicks are properly in full
effect. Last one is caught, though, but
Bryan fights out with a DDT for two.
Bryan up top, but Show spears him in mid-air! That was a HELL of a bump by those two. KO Punch is loaded up, but the crowd chants
NO at him and Show seems to be conflicted.
Show declines and goes to leave, which is the cue for HHH to appear with
the Shield. HHH orders Show to finish
the match, but Show refuses. HHH
insists, and after a war of wills, Show walks away. So the Shield jump Bryan for the DQ at 5:52,
and NOW Show goes to finish it… but AGAIN HHH cuts him off. HHH puts the financial screws on Show and
orders him to step back. HE CALLED HIM
PAUL! THEY MUST BE SHOOTING! Shield goes for the Triplebomb on Bryan right
in front of Show, who does nothing but watch.
HHH berates Show some more as Shield pick Bryan up and HHH orders Show
to KO Bryan. Show threatens it, starts
crying, and refuses to a HUGE pop. And
this brings Stephanie out. She begs Show
to think about his family, playing the good cop here, and Show is TORN. He does a good pouty face. So Show returns to the ring and takes one
more order from HHH. C’mon, Show, what
would your family do? No way Andre would
stand for this! Show glances at HHH with
balled fist, but Stephanie gets between them, and we know THAT won’t
happen. FINALLY, Show delivers the KO
Punch and hates himself for it. And the
crowd hates him, too, telling him he sold out.
And now Orton’s out to bat cleanup.
No commentary as we watch these last few moments, including the replay
of the KO punch and Stephanie using herself as a human shield to protect
HHH. Orton mutters to Bryan’s body as
the crowd is restless. And so am I. He’s in the Conqueror pose as we end the
show.
FINAL
THOUGHTS:
If this were
a WCW crowd, they’d be throwing garbage into the ring by now.
This is what
it’s come to – you have an arrogant heel champion hiding from the better
challenger, but it doesn’t matter because the Administration has an iron
fist. They’ve won every show since
SummerSlam right now, and there’s no end in sight. Twice in a row, we’ve watched the entire
roster do nothing to help