Yeah yeah yeah, its that time once again ladies and gents. Tepper is "busy" for the next few weeks so he was kind enough to let me get back in the saddle and try amuse you with my stupidity.
This weeks BKAO is one close to my heart. Having just driven the entire north-south length of the state about 8 months ago, I have a true appreciation for how much 90% of Arky is just a massive dump. Below is the official US Census Bureau satellite picture of the state:
Ok, I know its easy to dump on Arkansas. The whole country and I'm certain most of the world makes fun of it for the obvious reasons. I today will try and find new reasons that you all should know just why this state really is worthy of our hatred.
1. History!
The University of Arkansas is a public, land-grant, space-grant, research university. It is classified by the Carnegie Foundation as a research university with very high research activity. Founded as Arkansas Industrial University in 1871, its present name was adopted in 1899 and classes were first held on January 22, 1872. It is noted for its strong architecture, agriculture (particularly animal science and poultry science), business, communication disorders, creative writing, history, law and Middle Eastern studies programs.
Ok, we've got your usuals here. Architecture, ag, biz, history, law and some other. But wait a second. Arky is noted for Poultry Sciences, Communication Disorders (shocking I know) and Middle Eastern Studies?!? This guy here looks like he could study some birds, not communicate worth 2 shakes and may be from the middle east:
Just look at that dome! Dude has a creepy pube like wasp of hair sticking out from what should be a forehead on normal people, but nay. This man studies poultry, he can place his pedobear-esque come overs where ever he damn well pleases!
Just like Miss St. that we covered previously, Arky has a famous building on campus known as the "Old Main".
Old Main was constructed between 1873 and 1875 as part of a land grant for the state of Arkansas. Thats pretty solid, a 140 year old cool french provincial looking building. Fortunately for this building and unlike most old ass school buildings, it does not appear to have almost burned down at any time. You will know what its like one day Old Main! If you are going to be our hated rival you must know what its like to burn and burn good.
The university itself is located in Fayetteville, AR. Fayetteville is located in the extreme northwest corner of the state which is also known as the only place that civilization is present. The town is bordered by Rogers and Bentonville. These are not bad places at all driving through. However, they do appear to be the hotbed of some kind of weird middle eastern prostitution ring.
That is in no way appealing. All I can think of is the girls with the spinning batons that are on fire and hope that one of those batons lands in both eyes at the same time.
It is also well known that even as advanced as the Fayetteville area may think they have become, they are still stuck using water as power for even their household appliances. This is not an uncommon sight around town.
2. Mascots/Nicknames!
The official nickname is The Razorbacks for mens teams and The Ladybacks for the womens teams. Come on, really? You had to name the womens teams after Bobby Petrino's favorite past time? Apparently the Arkansas Razorbacks are the only major sports team in the US with a porcine nickname. This appears to be a point of pride for some god awful reason amongst Arkys.
In all reality a razorback is no more than a feral hog. Ugly and hairy and tasting like sweaty ass, theres nothing good or redeeming about these animals. In fact in most areas of southern Missouri you are encouraged to kill all wild hogs on sight as they can be dangerous to live stock and ruin crops. I love how our government set us in motion to hate these hogs and want to kill them even before we moved to the SEC! For once, good on you government.
That does not look like a menacing mascot to me, but maybe a thursday night ride to Petrino? You know what, if you put it in an animated movie and it sang hakuna matata I'll still hate it.
Personally every time we play Arky in the coming years I plan on grilling, bbq'ing or smoking nothing but pork. I want that hog to smell its dead brethren and know how delicious it will be while fueling my drunken hatred for its compatriots. We should all united in this cause:
3. Sports Teams!
Football - The football team has a historical record of 678–456–40. That aint too shabby. They have 1 national champeeunship to their claim as well as 13 southwest conference regular season titles. That conference included Texa$ and aTm so we all know those two teams just screwed up and their vast amounts of money and talent obviously didnt make it onto the field.
Frank Broyles was the football teams longtime and legendary coach. He later went on to be the schools AD for many years as well.
He just looks like a jolly old SOB.
The teams most recent coach, Bobby Petrino came into town with a bit of a negative image to deal with.
So of course he was the right man for a great state like Arky! He did rebuild a bit of what Houston Nutt had let slide over his last few years. He knew how to recruit and build a staff. He knew how to run a high powered offense, and damn could he text! His texting prowess became the stuff of legends.
He didnt violate any NCAA rules, he didnt walk out on a team literally in the middle of a season. He just sent a few texts and maybe had a few dates and maybe hired some women for jobs they werent qualified for even remotely. I mean, is that a crime? Seriously, is it? If so I may need to update a few things in my own personal life.
Basketball -
The razorbacks have a very good b-ball reputation as well. Having won the 1994 ncaa title with one of the more impressive teams I have ever seen and then following it up with a 2nd place finish in 1995 they cemented themselves as a basketball power. They play in walmart arena where you are not allowed to work more than 24 hours per week and dont even think about asking for benefits! We will not be speaking of the current mens coach as he is a d-bag and requires no introduction.
Baseball -
The baseball team is not too shabby either. They have 7 world series appearances and 4 conference championships to their claim. Most importantly they have groupies! We all know groupies are the shit and we all want them. Well arky baseball apparently has them in spades, exhibit A:
exhibit b:
The defense rests its case!
Track & Field -
The most successful program in NCAA history, the Arkansas men's track and field and cross country teams, led by head coach Chris Bucknam, sprints coach Doug Case and Field coach Travis Geophert, are the most decorated teams in the athletics department. The program has won 42 national titles in Cross Country and Track & Field.
So what I'm saying is were screwed.
Moving on!
Womens Sports -
Arky appears to be solid in numerous womens sports, and not just the ones in Petrinos hiring pool!
Track & Cross country as mentioned above are freaking ridiculous. Gymnastics and Volleyball appear to be very solid.
Its that time once again folks, my favorite time. When we really find out what your school has been made of all these years. Its EMBARRASSING ALUMNI time!
The man of many faces, the man of nobody's team: Jerry Jones!
Just look at those beady little eyes. Creepy as hell.
The big hitter, you can call him Big Sexy, John Daly!
Good lord does he look high as a kite. Good for him, spending all day on grass you might as well smoke a bti too.
The worst basketball announcer of all times, just dont call him dicks, Jimmy Dykes!
If I've ever seen a face that was made for punching, this is it.
The most lost man to ever find his way into an announcing booth, he put soo many of us to sleep over the years, Pat Summerall!
He either just shat himself or he was scared awake mid interview, either way I want context!
If you like hookers and blow hes your coach, knows how to rise up and ruin a program like nobody, Butch Davis!
Tell Irvin to stay out of my stash damnit!
Hes loves the upper lip tickler, hes love him some cocayana, he sometimes plays football, Matt Jones!
My goodness does he just look nasty here. Like hasnt showered in a week and is proud of it nasty.
He'd like to fight Butch Davis to the death for dirtiest college program ever, he yells but is not sure what about, Barry Switzer!
That is just a solid scowl. If I am ever unlucky enough to have kids I wanna make sure I break out a scowl like this at them at least once a week. Just so they know I can eff them up with one punch.
He was the governor for 2 years, he has the most epic name I have ever seen, Xenophon Overton Pindall!
Just look at him, he must be alien. He's probably still alive somewhere in a Tyson poultry plant.
Thats all for this week folks. I hope it helps you hate those dirty rotten smelly bastards to our south a bit more! I know I do.