reverseracism:
gradientlair:
These seven conversations below are conversations that I am no longer having with Black men, period. If these have to be said and more than once to someone who wants to “debate” my humanity–and as a Black woman, I refuse to debate Black men’s humanity, because it is a real thing to me that they do not have to “apply” for–then I consider them lost causes. I am done. They can continue to throw rocks at the train that is moving forward without them. I will not negotiate my humanity as if we’re choosing between wings or burgers as the better lunch. There is no “both sides” to consider when one side is marginalization, abuse and oppression.
1) Why street harassment is wrong. Not what it is–I’ll explain that; many Black men do think being abusive and an attempt to regain a sense of power from a state of perceived powerlessness is “flirting” though some do intend to abuse from the start. But once I explain why it is not okay and they continue to defend their “right” to harm me or demand that I stop recounting my experiences and instead become a workshop teacher for how they can “get” women, we’re done.
2) Why calling me “a female” is unacceptable. These men accept that White men calling them “boy” or “thug” is meant to be derogatory. The tone with which they use “female” or “those females” is a replacement for “bitch,” contextually. They’ll use “men” and “females” in the same sentence, implying that they deserve respect but women do not. Now not all people who aren’t men are “women.” But once someone identifies as a “woman” and Black men refuses to address her as such, especially when she easily addresses them as “men” then we’re done. (Oh and let’s not play games like context, gender, structural power and patriarchy are not factors when a man calls a woman a “bitch” versus between women, just like those same Black men do not want Whites calling them “nigger” for sure, or “nigga.” I explained this in detail in a past essay.)
3) Why every Black woman is NOT cishet or hetero and seeking White men. This makes me feel rage. I see RED. I have to straight up walk away from these conversations when they occur, especially if in person because it’s not going to be pretty. To make presumptions about all Black women’s sexuality, sexual orientation and desire, and to be so abusive about it because they are insecure and intimidated by White men (which admittedly is the result of White supremacy) that they think the most ignorant things such as “watching Scandal means you want White men” is repulsive to me in a way that makes me want to vomit. People have plenty of reasons to like multi-character, multi-plot shows such as Scandal and Black women do not have to defend a goddamn thing to Black men, from our television choices to what we do with our bodies. Black women are the least likely to marry outside of our race. Black men are the second most likely to marry outside of their race and often degrade Black women while making this choice as if misogynoir and desiring non-Black women must go hand in hand. Black women have the right to be with whomever we choose or no one at all. I had enough of this when a Black man tried to reduce all that Alice Walker has created, accomplished and fought for down to her marrying “a White boy” because she had a White husband decades ago, though she’s had several queer relationships since. This is violence to me. This is erasure. Black men who do this are basically stating that Black women are not human and are the “Jezebel” controlling image. I would never call a Black man a “buck” but they gladly degrade me in such a way and I’ve never even had physical intimacy with a White man and I don’t even identify as hetero anymore (but as an ace) because I no longer feel forced to do so. They project their fears on to me and I am not here to “coach” and beg them to view me as human being.
4) Why many Black women do not care about Black men’s interracial relationships. Yes, I know what CNN and Dateline tells them. I also know what Black women say among ourselves–stuff that some Black men seem to ignore as they get their opinions on who we are outside of actual interactions with Black women. Look, I am one of those Black women who is really trying to get to Starbucks, not watch a Black man with a White woman. So when they block my pathway to perform affection and hope that I am mad, I am mad. But only because I want a grande extra whip hot chocolate in a venti with 1 pump of pumpkin spice, like right away, not because their partner is White. If their relationship is based on his misogynoir and her racism, then so be it. I think relationships actually based on love are better ones, but what do I know? And when the thirsty and insecure White woman grabs him when she sees me, as if she’s suggesting that I am an uncontrollable Jezebel who will fuck her man on sight if she doesn’t hold on to him, that’s misogynoir too. I’ve discussed this before. I do not have anger over interracial relationships in general, though I know that many Black men want me to; sorry, I don’t. However, I am bothered when cishet or hetero Black men’s choices mean degrading Black women to justify those choices.
5) Why I view their support as insufficient when juxtaposed to what Black women give. They cannot be serious if they cannot figure this out. And the lie that if Black women tolerated more abuse and were more “submissive” then they would support Black women is untrue since more Black women are doing both of these things than not and still the support remains uneven in a political sense (the outcry for cishet Black male victims/survivors over anyone else Black), in a media sense (how many Black men are going to become millionaires by degrading and stereotyping Black women; i.e. comedy, music, film etc.) and in a social sense (i.e. how many homes, churches and community organizations are going to remain patriarchal while ignoring Black girls, Black women, Black LGBTQIA needs).
6) Why it is not only cishet Black men who are capable of misogyny. As pointed out before, lesbians are considered man haters while gay men are not considered misogynistic no matter what they do. I am kind of tired of this, especially since I deal with gay Black men who are misogynistic to me and claim that they are not and/or not capable of it since they are not cis or cishet. Gay men can be misogynistic. (So can trans men of any sexual orientation.) When I have to wade through their jokes and insults about Black women’s edges, breasts, complexions, sexuality, cis Black women’s vaginas, hair length/texture, fashion, body shape/weight and more, or deal with their idolization of thin White women to the point that they’re insulting Black women in the same way that cishet Black men do, yet magically since their interest isn’t sexual, the misogyny is okay? Nah. When I have to deal with them wanting the same mammy to fix it all in the same way that cishet Black men want? Nah. And when I have to hear them use Black trans women’s lives as rhetorical devices solely to shut cis or cishet Black women up, yet they’re ghost when Black trans women need support, you can’t find a thing about Black trans women in their tweets, blogs, conversations etc. otherwise? Nah. And when I am abused once I no longer want to be in their eternal service as a doormat? Nah. And when I am told that not being quiet about their misogyny is “homophobia?” Nah. I remain fascinated by cis gay men who state that cis women do not discuss the cis privilege that we BOTH have yet they refuse to acknowledge the existence of male privilege or misogyny.
7) How them claiming the “feminist” label is not an absolute destination to where they are no longer subject to critique. Yes, I know reading those two bell hooks books on masculinity usually means that Black men who are “feminists” anoint themselves as authorities on feminism and often stop listening or empathizing with Black women while demanding recognition for the label that they claim. This is a journey, not some final destination that they reach where they no longer have male privilege and no longer use their privilege and power to usurp the things that Black women express, write or live.
Finally, whether I choose to have these conversations or not with Black men, as a Black woman, is not open to “debate” with Whites nor is this about what non-Black women “experience too.” This may be difficult, but people are going to have to accept that this is not about them right now. This myth that I am required to “universalize” my experiences so that those invested in anti-Blackness can write a “person of colour” or “human” narrative that leans towards Whiteness and erases nuance and difference is a myth that I am not interested in. That is not what solidarity is about. It is about recognizing that both shared and differing experiences exist.
So while I understand that some womanists, Black feminists and some Black women in general may still want to have these conversations–and they have every right to if they choose–I do not. And while I am literally having nightmares about the Black men who choose to act and think like this (and it is of course not all of them; some Black men challenge all of these things in other Black men and that work matters) they’re busy stepping on my neck running towards whatever it is that they want and have no concern for me. And of course being the one who is abused means zero responsibility is assigned to Black men who engage in the aforementioned ways, which is the nature of victim blaming. And for the abuse apologists who will claim that me not accepting this abuse in discussion means that I am against “unity,” yes, I am against “unity” when it means “tolerate abuse and erasure; debate your own humanity daily.“ I do not exist solely to “help” Black men or center their every action in my life. The idea that I am just a “helper” as a womanist and a human being is unacceptable to me and diametrically opposed to the self-love and care that contributes to my perception of wholeness for myself and all Black people. In the effort of asserting such wholeness, I refuse to have circular conversations where Black men get to decide if I am human or not.
Boost this, because everybody needs to read and remember this.