Ryan's Best of Myrtle Beach
and Duet with Victoria Jaynes
One of my favorite topics on this blog over the years has been discussing travel, food, and vacations. That has often taken the form of "how to's" and recommendations related to Disney vacations. I'm not doing that today because I've not been to Disney in the last few months. However, I'd like to talk about a place I'll be returning to in a month that has been a big part of my life over the years. The other thing that make's today's post so fun is that the other thing I love doing are co-posts and today I'm joined by my friend Victoria Jaynes who is dipping her toes into the ocean of blogging so to speak. Victoria is also an expert in all things Carolina!
Ryan's Take: When you grow up in my part of the country going to Myrtle Beach is a right of passage for high school seniors. Back then it was a right of my passage and it continues to be a right of yearly family passage now.
So with that in mind I'd like to share with you some of my Myrtle Beach favorites which, because it's me, means out of the way, off the beaten path, and perhaps a little against the grain and most certainly not particularly expensive or during the dinner rush!
Victoria's Take: I've been chatting with Mr. Beaumont ever since I first contemplated joining AM almost two years ago, when I discovered his blog and spent way too long reading it almost in its entirety, because he seriously makes me laugh. So when he asked me to give my local girls perspective on navigating Myrtle Beach I was pretty excited, and more than happy to comply… except he’d pretty much covered all of the places I was going to suggest.
These days my family, with the exception of the teenagers who still like to cruise the strip, steers clear of Myrtle Beach in favor of the more family friendly Garden City/ Murrells Inlet area. What a lot of people don’t realize is that what makes it so amazing is that houses on the Inlet side are far superior to the houses on the beach because you've really got the best of both worlds going on here.
Your backyard looks like this!
You can bring along your boat or jet skis, you go fishing right in your backyard and at night, you can sit out on your very own dock and stargaze with a cocktail, then go back out with your coffee the next morning and watch the blue heron catch fish in low tide. Pretty awesome stuff! And hey! If you’re lucky enough to have your guy or girl there along with you, you can totally make out or whatever in private at night too. ;) And here’s a fun fact, during low tide, you can go out in the marsh and if you’ve got a good eye, you can still find bullets from P52 Mustang scraping runs during WW2. Pretty cool, right?
Then, when you’re ready to hit the beach you can grab your cooler and a towel, and go out your front door and you’ve got a view like this:
The beach is just a couple of dodged golf carts away! And, by the way, if you want the true Carolina experience you’ll have boiled peanuts, and pimento cheese sandwiches packed in that cooler along with the beverages of your choice (hey Victoria don't forget to wash that down with Cheer Wine!).
Useless Ryan Info:
Myrtle Beach is part of what's known as the Grand Strand, a 60+ mile stretch of wide beaches from Little River to Georgetown on the coast of South Carolina and haven and spiritual destination to the masses of America's Mid and South East Atlantic middle class (hint - it ain't the Hamptons). Myrtle Beach is home to wonderful beaches, great restaurants, golf, and is the birthplace of "shagging." And for you Brits out there that doesn't mean us Yanks first learned to screw on the beaches of South Carolina, "shagging" here is a dance.
Because Myrtle Beach has a north-south orientation with only one main artery traversing the beach, it is home to some pretty miserable traffic though, particularly at supper time (that's dinner if you don't live in the south)! So I always plan my days there with a quote from a famous Civil War general who said "get there fustest with mostest." Yeah, his grammar was about as good as mine but he meant get where you need to go early and beat those dang Yankees to the wing bar happy hour.
But with that in mind let's look at a typical Ryan day at the beach!
Food!
Ryan's Take:
Morning - wake up 7'ish and stretch those legs with a nice walk and then shower. Come back and roust the girls up for breakfast. The first thing to learn about Myrtle Beach is that breakfast is the best meal of the day at the beach. While Myrtle has some nice restaurants I can't say any are really "haute cuisine," so go for kitschy casual to get the best value. Some of the best places to visit are best visited in the morning and you better do so early because the golfers and ill behaved families from Charlotte descend by 9 am.
Some of our favorites are:
Dino's (North Myrtle) - Great pancakes! Also all your breakfast egg platters, etc. Decent coffee, quick service, low cost, easy in and out - all Ryan favs!
Boulineau's (Little River) - If you prefer ultra quick service, cheap, and a la carte and you need some sun tan oil, a six pack, a beach paddle game, batteries, the wife needs (well you know) and Motrin for your hang-over you can get it all here. It's mostly a grocery/hardware/gift store but they have great biscuits and grits too! It's like the Gay Dolphin on steroids (we'll talk about the Gay Dolphin later).
the Sea Captain's House (Myrtle) - Of all the breakfast places listed this is my least favorite. It's mostly buffet which I detest (I always order off the menu). But it has a great view of the beach and nothing is more relaxing than drinking my morning coffee and watching the tits, I mean waves along the beach.
Now that you're done with breakfast I suggest getting out to the beach early. If you are there by 10 am you can get your day in before you melt or burn to a crisp. You also get first dibs on umbrellas and chairs, which is important if you want to strategically locate for best MILF viewing. Honestly though, as much as I enjoy the beach I always feel like I'm just trying to get it out of the way. By 1 pm I'm ready to pack it in, rinse the sand out of my balls, and head for lunch.
This picture is for you Kat!
Did someone say lunch? OK here are some great places.
Peaches (Downtown) - I hate downtown Myrtle Beach. Loved it as a teen but now that I'm adult I hate it for all those *od-Damned teenagers! But going to Peaches for a hot dog is a must each trip to the beach at some point. And of course while there you can stop by and see the Gay Dolphin. And by Gay Dolphin I don't mean Dolphins have evolved into being advocates for marriage equality, it just means happy. Also if you are down there you can stop by the Bowery and curse Burroughs and Chapin for tearing down the Pavilion! Bastards!
For a much better lunch travel inland to Conway and eat at the Trestle. They have awesome soup, sandwiches, the best sweat tea (next to Chick-fil-A) in the world, and have a wonderful bakery as well two doors down. Walk that meal off along the Waccamaw River, a gorgeous route along the river with Southern genteel charm.
After lunch it's back home for a quick dip in the pool and then on to nap time from about 2:30 to 3:45 for Ryan.
Keeping General Forest's quote above in mind get out for dinner early (5:30 pm at the latest). Traffic on Rt - 17 will be a bitch by 6 pm (btw when going north and south always think about going inland and using Rt 31 to get where you need to go).
OK so dinner if you are into Macaroni Grille, Chili's etc stay in Myrtle Beach. If you want any pizzaz go north or south and stay away from "Restaurant Row," home to overpriced seafood buffets picked over by little booger eaters from Raleigh. My favorite place is north in Little River.
Crab Catchers (Little River) - Make sure you bring your appetite for all-you-can-eat crabs, hush puppies, slaw, etc. And get there early if you want to eat on the deck and watch the fishing boats come in. This place gets packed quick. It's not fancy but it's good!
At the other end of the Grand Strand is Frank's in Pawley's Island. This is where you might actually get some real and elegant Carolina Low-Country cuisine and fresh caught seafood. A Ryan-style favorite would be the pan-fried Shrimp and Grouper with Tomatoes and Scallions over Grits - YUM! They also have some great small plates if you a cross training for a marathon or something stupid like that (this is vacation after all).
You're in my head Victoria!
Victoria's Take: When dinner time comes around here you can pick up some local shrimp, crab, and spicy onion sausage and make a pot of low country boil, or what we call Frogmore Stew which in my opinion no beach trip should be without.
Seriously, it’s amazing and ridiculously easy. The best part is that to serve it, you just dump it onto the middle of a table covered in newspaper, and pass around crusty bread, butter and beer. What could be better?
But, if that’s too much to ask you can always head across the inlet on your boat to one of the many truly amazing seafood restaurants along the Marshwalk.
They have the most bizarre names, but in my opinion, it’s also some of the best seafood in the area. And there is plenty of night life too.
And then later, when you’re looking for some late night fare to absorb some of the alcohol I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Sam’s Corner, which has surprisingly decent food, although let’s face it, everything tastes amazing at 2am after you’ve been out drinking all night, doesn't it?!
Ryan's Extracurricular Activities:
So it's about 7 pm and you've already had dinner, what now?
If you are in Myrtle Beach you must play putt-putt. The best place is Mount Atlanticus. Awesome views of the beach on the last hole and a fun theme. Great music too! True story, whilst playing golf Shannon says to Ryan - "I like the music here." Ryan "oh yeah that Lieutenant Kije by Prokofiev; he also wrote Peter and the Wolf." Shannon "cool, how do you know that?" Ryan "uh er, I don't know, I just like it; I think I played it in high school once." (Ha, I used that music on the blog once, that's why I knew it but what a dumb time to try to be smart).
Actually do Mt Atlanticus one day when you are not going to the beach, you'll never get on the course at 7 pm.
What you need to do at night is go to Family Kingdom. There is no admissions charge and you can just buy the kiddies a very reasonably priced all day wrist band and let them loose (within reason, make sure they don't run into Kenny *ucking Powers or any other pack of degenerate rednecks from Shelby or Greenville). Hint, try to hook up with some stranger with a SC driver's license and get them to buy you discount "local's" tickets!
Another great non-beach day trip is Brook Green Garden's. Now let me preface this, it sucks (if you are like me)! But if your lady is into pretty flowers and naked statues of satyrs with a bulging penis then this might make her happy and even better horny for later on that night. Go ahead and take her, you'll wish you were on the golf course while you are there but hopefully you will get paid back later.
And guys speaking of golf, don't go anywhere too near Myrtle as they mostly suck. But there are some really nice one's close by - my fav is probably Aberdeen in Longs, SC.
Victoria's Parting Wisdom!: Anyway, that’s the Carolina coast from this girl’s point of view. Whatever you do, don’t forget that beach sex is highly over rated!! I’m just saying! :)
Ryan's Final Thoughts: Victoria I'm with you there babe! Sex on the beach is great looking in pornos but in reality when sand meets the sweaty/sticky by product of human intercourse there is a lot of messy abrasive outcomes. My recommendation is to use beach time for foreplay. A little light kissing mixed with some nice sun tan oil massages is the perfect precursor to a nice warm after-beach shower with your preferred partner. Follow that with an after shower aloe massage and then enjoy some wonderful air conditioned sex in the condo overlooking the Inner-Coastal waterway or ocean or who cares you're screwing keep focused on each other!
So there you have it. Ryan's (and Victoria's) Myrtle Beach! This was a true joy, like Anthony Bourdain meets East Bound and Down!
More phallic images for you ladies
Hey and one other thing to remember. When you are going to or coming back from Myrtle Beach make sure you stop at a Smithfield BBQ along I-95. Preferably the actual original one in Smithfield but if you don't want to invest the 20 minutes to drive off the highway there are a few franchises along the highway. Go platter with that special Carolina-style BBQ, hushpuppies, and the world's best potato salad. Great sweet tea here as well and finish it off with a cup of Banana Pudding that is almost as good as bad sex!