I recently broke up with a man who couldn’t commit to me and ‘realised’ he wasn’t in love with me… after a year! A little long to come to that conclusion, no? If that wasn’t heartbreaking enough, I also found out shortly before we split that he’d started a ‘friendship’ with another woman. I found this out because she arrived at his house while I was cooking dinner. Awkward.
I also stumbled on his active online dating profile on his iPad whilst we were in bed together one morning. His answer to this was, ‘It’s not like we’re married’. He said he never cheated on me, but I find it hard to believe because all signs point to either physical or emotional infidelity . I’m now in turmoil, wondering if a) I did something to elicit this kind of behaviour and b) if I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again. I really need constructive advice. Kate
Trusting again after a situation like yours IS tough, and a question I’ve fielded again and again. Firstly, you did nothing wrong. He was hedging his bets and not caring who he hurt. Let karma take care of him, and accept – philosophically – that we often have to let these kinds of crappy relationships play out to their inevitable conclusion. You learned a big lesson in not letting things drag on with someone so non-committal, but in the process, you’ve temporarily lost your ‘guy gauge’: that instinct that helps us figure out if a person will do the right thing, or act like a heartless, lying jerk.
That’s normal, by the way – the months after a betrayal are a bit like being lost at sea. You can’t get a foothold on anyone or anything and the thought of trusting a stranger with your bruised and battered little heart leaves you with a panicked feeling in your belly. It’s a protective mechanism telling you to hold out until you feel like you’re in an okay headspace to date again. Right now Kate, you’re probably not.
Your trust in people will return, though. Maybe not ever in the same way, and maybe not in an ‘absolute’ way. I’ve never gone back to being the blindly trusting person I was before I was cheated on by a long-term boyfriend. That sucks in some ways – but probably protects me in others, so I’ve learned to live with it. The only sure thing about this time you’re going through is that it’s temporary, you’ll bounce back and when you’re ready to meet a guy deserving of you, he’ll hopefully be patient enough to earn your trust and understand if it’s not a given.
Love, reality chick
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