This year, RAISING ARIZONA KIDS introduces “Voices from the Village.” In this periodic feature, contributing writer Alexandra Muller Arboleda will invite experts and parents to share their opinions on current topics of interest. We welcome your comments!
FINDING BALANCE AT WORK AND AT HOME
By Alexandra Muller Arboleda
It was the middle of the night when I heard my baby’s distinct cry. Weary from lack of sleep, I picked him up and cradled him in my arms, singing tenderly as I rocked him. The exhaustion was so profound I could feel it in the marrow of my bones. I gently touched my baby’s face and realized that there was no balance in my life.
Alexandra Muller Arboleda, of Phoenix, is a freelance writer and the mother of Isabel (12) and Nicolas (9). She has worked as a water lawyer, currently teaches at BASIS Phoenix and is certified to teach yoga. She blogs at alexandramullerarboleda.blogspot.com.
I worked diligently as a lawyer, often staying up until midnight to revise endless drafts of settlement agreements. I was also an involved and dedicated mom. I enjoyed both but rarely slept and was constantly under stress. I’d lost two babies to miscarriage and could no longer walk without pain in my hips.
I always thought I’d be a working parent, but at that moment I understood that my hopes of having a career like my father and parenting my kids like my mother were unattainable.
After 10 years of working as a lawyer, I decided to quit my job. If I had to choose, it was my kids over my job. I had the rest of my life to work, I thought, and my kids would only be little for a short time.
Parenting is one of those things that you cannot explain to anyone who hasn’t done it. It is one of the most joyous and rewarding experiences in life. At the same time, it takes every last ounce of your time and energy.
How to balance their lives when they have seemingly endless choices—choices unavailable to their parents—is especially perplexing to this generation of women. Many have dreamed big and worked hard, excelled in school and landed impressive jobs. Still, having more choices and opportunities has not solved the dilemma of how to make time to have a career and raise children.
Some of this “choices generation” decided to work full time while husbands took on more childcare and household responsibilities. Some chose part-time work or stayed home after giving up prestigious jobs while the focus shifted to their husbands’ careers. Still others with grown children have re-entered the work force, often on a path far from their original ambitions. And then there are the unique challenges of single parenthood.
Many of our mothers forged the way so that we could have more choices in life. But can we find the right balance between work and family?
Flexibility is key
By Daniela Roher, PhD
Daniela Roher, PhD, is a Carefree psychotherapist specializing in individual and couples psychotherapy, counseling and consulting.
Can women have it all? It’s possible, but only if they shift the focus from “How can I have it all?” to “What do I need to do to prioritize and organize my resources and stay flexible enough to tweak each individual situation so that I am exactly where I want and need to be?”
There is no right or wrong, good or bad decision here. The best decision is what works for each of us, without creating too many conflicts and stresses.
Whether to choose motherhood over career, or the other way around—or to go for both—implies making not one decision but many.
Questions arise about our priorities throughout our mothering years and beyond. We need to re-evaluate and reassess different circumstances that affect our decisions and strategies. Being aware of how we feel in each situation enables us to make decisions we can live with, without too many regrets later.
The key element here—like in similar situations where we are faced with wanting to do it all and not wanting to give up anything—is flexibility. Whatever decision we make, we need to be prepared to change it if circumstances change, because what works well at one time may no longer be workable at another. And isn’t flexibility a quality that mothers have in abundance?
Just try to do a little bit
By Rebecca Lammersen
My days always end in the middle. How do I know? I’m looking at proof: my toast, my latest poem, the laundry sitting in the dryer—all halfway done.
Rebecca Lammersen is a registered yoga teacher and the owner of Yogalution Studios in Phoenix and Scottsdale. She is also a columnist for elephant journal and Huffington Post. She has two children, ages 8 and 5.
Lunch boxes sit open on the counter, filled only with juice boxes and chips. I haven’t made the sandwiches yet because my 7-year-old daughter had an emergency: She couldn’t find her superhero mask.
“Mommy, can I have a pony now?” my 5-year-old whines with one hand tugging on my shirt, the other hand waving her Hello Kitty hair band in the air. I’ve brushed half my hair, but it can wait.
In the mornings, I feel like a cocktail waitress at a topless bar—running around half dressed, tending to the spilled juice at the breakfast table and solving the last math homework problem.
Getting dressed all at once? I don’t know what that’s like anymore.
Halfway done is how I live my life. There is no completing a task. Starting and ending something or anything is a feat.
I call it “mission accomplished” when I manage to get everyone to school on time only to realize I only put on one earring.
There are two important lessons I have learned from motherhood:
1. Mothers, we must give ourselves permission to leave the frayed edges alone. It’s the only way to stay sane. Trying to hem them will drive us crazy and then we won’t get anything done. When we allow our lives to be rough around the edges, we grant ourselves the freedom to enjoy our lives. Forget doing it all—just try to do a little bit; that’s more than enough.
2. This is more like an exception to the first rule: Make one thing you love to do a priority and always finish it. Why? Because when we take care of ourselves, we can take care of others. My exception to the rule is my morning coffee and hour of writing at 4:30 a.m. Because drinking that last drop and typing that last word completes me.
Embrace the journey
By Lee A. Storey, JD
There is no such thing as “work/life balance.” It’s a misnomer, a fairytale—especially for women with demanding jobs and an active home. For me, life is about choices and how we respond to the things over which we have little choice.
Lee A. Storey, JD, is an attorney at the Phoenix law firm Ballard Spahr and a documentary filmmaker. She has two children and five grandchildren.
“Having it all” is a matter of perspective. It’s learning to embrace the journey, not the goal. What we strive for depends on how we define “having it all” and not how others may define it for us. But no matter what we strive for at work or at home, there simply is no such thing as balance—just better days than others.
Naturally, a good partner makes all the difference at home, just like a great assistant does at work. Ideally, the activities we take on at work or at home are a reflection of our passion, inspiration and commitment to succeed.
So for me, the question isn’t about whether women can “have it all” and balance work and home life, but rather whether we as women choose to live our lives without regrets. Personally I do not want to come to the end of my days thinking, “I wish I had…” While our choices may change as we experience the chapters in our lives, they are still ours to make. That includes being kind and willing to forgive ourselves and others.
None of us is perfect, so let’s stop being so hard on women and the choices they may make, whether to work as a CEO or to run a household or both. The contributions women make on a daily basis are a powerful and essential testament to those choices, no matter where they are exercised.
So follow your passion and experience it to the fullest when you can. For me, that includes boxing, hiking the Grand Canyon or Tongariro Pass, casting bronzes, directing plays, running a non-profit and even making an award-winning documentary film. I don’t know what story will inspire me next, but whatever it is, I plan to relish it.
Give yourself the permission to make the choices that best suit your family and lifestyle
No one has it all
By Randi Rubenzik, MD
It turns out that no one can have it all! I am a physician with two young children. Whether at work or at home, my responsibilities include both patient and family care.
Randi Rubenzik, MD, is a dermatologist at Spectrum Dermatology in Scottsdale. She has two children, ages 11 and 8. Photo by Daniel Friedman.
The benefits of working while raising children are many. Personal satisfaction is high—I love my profession. I believe my work also sets an example for my children to contribute to society, as my parents showed me. We often discuss science and medicine at the dinner table.
There are risks of having kids while working. Childhood illnesses pose occasional problems. Arranging time for after-school events, homework, meal preparation and bedtime is stressful! Small children don’t always understand why Mom goes away each morning. As my younger son said a few summers ago, “Why do you have to go to work? It’s vacation! Don’t you love us?”
I have made changes so that I can work near home and school. My kids really appreciate having me in their classrooms and I love being involved. On my days off, it always seems there is a doctor’s appointment or meeting. I have always had childcare, including daycare, then school and nannies to maximize reliability.
But like most moms, I rarely sit down! Time to exercise is sporadic. I frequently spend free time cooking, organizing and cleaning. Sometimes, though, nothing seems to get done.
Life is busy but exciting. Gatherings of family and friends help keep our close relationships precious. I don’t think I have it all, but I sure have a lot! I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Share your voice!
If you are interested in participating in an upcoming “Voices from the Village” feature, please write to editorial@raisingarizonakids.com and let us know your area of interest and/or expertise.