By Brian Ives
You might be an Oscar-nominated actor or actress. You might even have an Academy Award on your shelf. Still, that and seven bucks will get you nothing but an overpriced soda at Comic Con (unless of course that trophy is made of kryptonite, Adamantium or dilithium crystals).
Related: Oscars 2015: Our Predictions on Who Will Win
We’re judging this year’s nominees for cinema’s most prestigious prize—the Best Picture Oscar—on the only criteria that matters: geek cred. You can chuck your Shakespeare in the Park costumes out the window, Bub…that stuff ain’t gonna help you here.
How do we decide which flicks are the coolest? Glad you asked. Our formula is outlined below:
For each and any role in a film based on a Tolkien book, a Star Trek film or a Marvel film. Or if you were on Game of Thrones and your son (who you aren’t convinced is actually your son) killed you while you were on the can, because he was mad that you had sex with his ex-girlfriend.
For the lead role on CBS’s upcoming TV series Supergirl. Of course, Marvel has led the way with a female-fronted TV show with Agent Carter (and women pretty much run Agents of SHIELD), but we’re glad DC is following suit with Supergirl. And yep, Radio.com is a CBS-owned website. Go, team!
For a role in the 2002 Silence of the Lambs prequel Red Dragon. Weird, we know, but this will make sense shortly.
This one’s more for the film geeks than the geek-geeks. Seven points goes for a role in a film by Tim Burton or David Lynch, or any film directed by, written by, or costarring Quentin Tarantino. Or a role in Ghostbusters or Zombieland.
For spies and detectives. For instance, a role in Kingsmen: The Secret Service, the TV show Alias, any 007 film, any iteration of Sherlock Holmes or a major role in a DC film or TV show (other than Supergirl).
For a role in Pirates of the Caribbean, a Harry Potter film or the recent Planet of the Apes reboot. But if you were in the Marky Mark Planet of the Apes remix, you lose five points. Also, five points for Alien or Aliens, but you lose five if you were in any of the later Alien films.
For a role in a Chronicles of Narnia film. Calm down, when you were a kid, you read them, too. It’s a good gateway drug to geekdom.
For a role in a Hangover film. Or for hosting a web series called Between Two Ferns. But if you’ve done both, you only get three points. Sorry, rules are rules.
For any involvement with a Star Wars prequel (but four points for any involvement in any other parts of the Star Wars universe).
For a guest spot on a cool TV show, but five points if it was The Simpsons.
For a role in a really bad movie (we’re looking at you Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow) but….
For any involvement in the 1998 film The Avengers, which had no Marvel characters in it. What the hell?
Brace yourself. Here we go.
The Grand Budapest Hotel = 96 points
When you think of Wes Anderson, you probably don’t think of ass-kicking action. You probably do think of highly respected actors, likely working below their usual pay scale. And these days, highly respected actors aren’t just about dramas. Now they’re fighting bad guys, or playing bad guys. This trend may or may not have been started by Captain Picard/Professor X himself, Patrick Stewart. Anyway: Budapest barely edged out The Imitation Game, but to be fair, Anderson’s film had such a huge ensemble cast, it won based simply on the amount of star power. “Strength in numbers,” said the Avengers to the Fantastic Four.
The point breakdown:
Ralph Fiennes: He played a character called “John Steed” in 1998’s The Avengers. We’ve read a lot of Avengers comics, and we don’t recognize that name. Sorry, bro, that’s 15 points you just lost for your team. Which you made up for by playing a serial killer in Red Dragon (8 points!), Lord Voldemort in Harry Potter (5 points!), and M in the latest 007 flicks (7 more!) = 5 points.
Adrien Brody: He was in Predators. Needless to say, no points for that.
Willem DaFoe: The Green Goblin! We won’t blame him for that mask, but he was a pretty badass Norman Osborn. 10 points! We’ll give him a bonus five for being in the franchise Boondock Saints but he loses them because he was also in John Carter (minus 5) = 10 points.
Jeff Goldblum: Well, he was in Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Fly. On the other hand: Independence Day. This one’s a wash: zero points. Let’s move on.
Edward Norton: Red Dragon (8), The Incredible Hulk (10), although he should lose some for bailing on Hulk before The (real) Avengers. Then again, Mark Ruffalo is a pretty awesome Banner = 18 points.
F. Murray Abraham: He won the Academy Award for Best Actor for his role as Antonio Salieri in 1984’s Amadeus. Zero points for that, we just thought we’d mention it. On the positive side, he played the challengingly named bad guy, Ad’har Ru’afo, in Star Trek: Insurrection (10 points). The penalty for any of you disparaging that film because it features the Next Generation cast is a lifetime supply of gagh = 10 points.
Jude Law: He was in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (Negative 2 points), but was Watson in Sherlock Holmes (6). = 4 points.
Harvey Keitel: Reservoir Dogs (7), Pulp Fiction (7), From Dusk ‘Til Dawn (7), Red Dragon (8), = 29 points, without ever having to don a cape or lyrcra.
Bill Murray : Ghostbusters! (7) And Ed Wood! (7) And a big 10 points for that amazing cameo as himself in Zombieland (apologies for the spoiler if you haven’t yet seen that. But if you haven’t yet seen that, what the hell were you waiting for?) = 14 points.
Tilda Swinton: Constantine (that’s a DC property, yo: 6 points), The Chronicles of Narnia (4 points). And five bonus points for costarring in indie flicks with Loki (Only Lovers Left Alive) and Captain America (Snowpiercer) = 15 points.
Tom Wilkinson: He played mafia heavy Carmine Falcone in Batman Begins (6). Unfortunately, he also was in The Green Hornet and The Lone Ranger . He’s getting off easy by only losing 20 points for these crimes against cinema = negative 14 points.
The Imitation Game = 77 points
Somewhat improbably, a British period piece almost won this most prestigious of competitions. Of course, The Imitation Game ain’t Downton Abbey. In this film, Alan Turing (played by Benedict Cumberbatch) helped to take down some of the worst villains of all time, namely the Nazis. Captain America may have kicked some Axis butt, one goon at a time, but Turing helped to crack Germany’s secret code during World War II, which even we can admit was more important. All while fighting another equally nefarious foe in the U.K.: homophobia.
The Point Breakdown:
Benedict Cumberbatch: He played both Smaug and the Necromancer in The Hobbit films (he gets ten points for each role, for a total of 20). Quite adept at playing the bad guy, he was also Khan in Star Trek: Into Darkness (10). Also on his resume: Sherlock Holmes on the BBC series Sherlock (6), and the Prime Minister of England on an episode of The Simpsons (5) = 41 points.
Keira Knightley: Let us not forget that she played the decoy queen in Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace (2) and co-starred in the first films in the Pirates of the Caribbean series (5) = 7 points.
Matthew Goode: He was Lord Henry Blackwood in the film Sherlock Holmes (6), Sinestro in Green Lantern (6 points, if he’d killed the Ryan Reynolds GL we’d have gladly tripled his score); he was also in Kingsman: The Secret Service (6), 2010’s Robin Hood (oops! negative 3) and 2012’s John Carter (another negative 3) = 12 points.
Charles Dance: He was Tywin Lannister in Game of Thrones, so there’s 10 points! Also: The 1981 007 flick For Your Eyes Only (7) and Alien 3 (negative 5), but he gets 5 bonus points for his role in the upcoming Pride and Prejudice and Zombies = 17 points.
Birdman = 69 points
You’d think this one would have fared a bit better, given the subject matter. Alas.
The point breakdown:
Michael Keaton: “I’m Batman!” We’re gonna double this 6 points for that one, because of the meta-ness of his role: 12 points! Also, he was in Beetlejuice (7) and Jackie Brown (7). Hey, did you know he was also in Toy Story 3. Yeah, he was the Ken Doll. So, no points, but it’s an interesting bit of trivia! = 26 points.
Ed Norton: See above = 18 points.
Emma Stone: Zombieland is a classic (10). And while we won’t be sorry to see the latest iteration of The Amazing Spider-Man close it’s painful book, we did get a lump in our throat when Emma’s Gwen Stacy [SPOILER ALERT] died. (7 points!) = 17 points.
Naomi Watts: Well, she was in Children of the Corn IV (not as good as the first one), The Ring (not as good as as the original Japanese one), 2005’s King Kong (I think you know what we’re going to say) and Tank Girl (not as good as Gorillaz). We’re giving her 5 points for trying, and hey, The Ring was still pretty good anyway = 5 points.
Zach Galifianakis: The Hangover films and, yes, Between Two Ferns = 3 points.
Whiplash = 54 points
You won’t believe how awesome and exciting a film can be that is essentially about band nerds.
The point breakdown:
Miles Teller: He plays an extraordinarly driven drummer in this film, which hopefully lots of people will see. Audience size won’t be a concern in his next starring role, however: dude plays Reed Richards in the upcoming Fantastic Four reboot = 10 points.
JK Simmons: J Jonah Jameson in the Spider-Man films from the ’00s (10 points). Obviously that role was a good fit, because he also voiced JJJ in the Ultimate Spider-Man, Avengers and Hulk cartoons. Plus, he voiced General Eiling in the Justice League Unlimited cartoon, and Evil Star in the Batman: Brave and Bold cartoon. He also voiced characters on Kim Possible, Robot Chicken and The Simpsons. Not enough for you? He’s also the voice of the yellow M&M in those commercials. We’re giving him a combined 20 points for his impressive v.o. work = 30 points.
Paul Reiser: Yeah, yeah, Mad About You. But he was also in Aliens! = 5 points.
Melissa Benoist: Congratulations to Ms. Benoist, who will be playing the lead role in Supergirl! = 9 points!
American Sniper = 51 points
We have nothing snarky to say about this movie. We don’t want Clint Eastwood to kick our asses. Or talk to an empty chair and pretend he’s bossing us around.
The point breakdown:
Bradley Cooper: He was the voice of Rocket Raccoon in the already-classic Guardians of the Galaxy (10). He was also Sydney’s pal Will Tippin in Alias (6) = 16 points.
Sienna Miller: She was in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. That’s good for… nothing. Sorry Sienna, zero points!
Max Charles: Young Peter Parker in The Amazing Spider-Man = 10 reluctant points.
Navid Negahban: Well, you may not know his name, but you know his face: he’s been on Lost, 24, Alias, Fringe, and Homeland! He’s practically a walking collector’s item! = 25 points!
The Theory of Everything = 38 points
We like this one: it’s an inspiring story. Stephen Hawking reminds us of Professor X, and he also guested on the most recent Pink Floyd album (seriously!)—we like Pink Floyd.
The point breakdown:
Eddie Redmayne: On the plus side: great job as Stephen Hawking, dude! On the other hand, you were in Jupiter Ascending, a black hole for coolness. Even Ned Stark couldn’t save it (although at least he kept his head. Too soon?) = negative 2 points.
Felicity Jones: She was Felicia Hardy in Amazing Spider-Man 2 (another reluctant 10 points), and she has a role in an upcoming Star Wars spin-off (we’re staying optimistic, 5 points) = 15 points.
Charlie Cox: You may have known him as Owen on Boardwalk Empire, which earns him nothing here, even though you have to be impressed with a guy who would be Nookie Thompson’s right hand but also sleep with his wife. You know what does get him some points? He’s playing the lead role in the upcoming Daredevil series on Netflix. = 10 points.
Emily Watson: She was in Red Dragon (that movie again!) and also voiced Victoria Everglot in Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride. = 15 points.
Boyhood = 16 points
We get the feeling that Richard Linklater doesn’t hang out at Comic Con too much.
The point breakdown:
Patricia Arquette was in Ed Wood (7 points), Lost Highway (7 points), and a 1990 episode of Tales from the Crypt (1 point) = 15 points.
Ethan Hawke: We’re very impressed with your career as a serious actor and all the prestigious films you’ve been part of, from Dead Poet’s Society to Alive to Before Sunrise. But like we said before, none of that will help you here (although we kind of liked Gattaca and The Purge). You get one point: for your appearance on a single 2003 episode of Alias = 1 point.
Selma = 4 points
Let’s be real: Dr. Martin Luther King is as big a hero as they come. We’re not going to snark on the man or on this pretty incredible movie. There are limits to geekdom, even for us. But the unfortunate resumes of some of the (admittedly terrific) actors? We’ll snark on those.
The Point Breakdown:
David Oyelowo: He was in the kickass Rise of the Planet of the Apes, he’s also the voice of Agent Kallus in the Star Wars Rebels animated series = 10 points.
Tom Wilkinson: see above = negative 20 points.
Carmen Ejogo: She was robbed of a nomination for her role as Coretta Scott King in this film. Unfortunately, her role in 1998’s Avengers-less The Avengers loses her team 15 points.
Tessa Thompson: She was in three episodes of Heroes. Unfortunately, it was in season four of Heroes. We’ll give her a point anyway = 1 point.
Giovanni Ribisi: Another cast member from Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, sorry ( negative 2 points). On the plus side, he was pretty amazing in a 1995 episode of The X-Files (1 point) = negative 1 point.
Common: We’re giving him six points just for the rumor that he was going to play the John Stewart Green Lantern. Oh what could have been. Hopefully they’ll use that idea for the upcoming Justice League movie = 6 points.
Tim Roth: Everybody be cool! His filmography includes Reservoir Dogs (7), Pulp Fiction (7), 2001’s Planet of the Apes (no one’s perfect: that’s a negative 5), and Incredible Hulk (10) = 19 points.
Oprah Winfrey: She was almost Amanda Waller in Suicide Squad! Although we’re ecstatic that Viola Davis got the gig, O would have been great. Also, we fear her. And we fear not giving her any points. She gave away 276 cars once, so we’ll give her 2.76 points. We’ll round it up to three = 3 points.