Quoteschart is always committed to give you a heap of quotes in numerous category. For this reason today I am going to share with you about funny Christmas quotes. Read these quotes and feel free to share with others.
“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”
-Comedian WC Field
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
-Anonymous
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
-Jay Leno
“Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.”
-Jon Stewart
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”
– Andy Borowitz
“Let’s just say that on this day, a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic. But others don’t, and that’s cool. But we’re probably right. Amen. ”
-Homer Simpson
“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
-Phyllis Diller
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
-Larry Wilde
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
-Jay Leno
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
– Victor Borge
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. ”
-George Carlin
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
-Jay Leno
“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”
-Richard Lamm
“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”
-P.J. O’Rourke
“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”
-Melanie White
“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”
-Richard Lamm
“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.”
-Anonymous
“A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”
-Anonymous
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
-Joan Rivers
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
– Dave Barry
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
-Joan Rivers
“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.”
-Anonymous
“The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.”
-Benjamin Franklin
“Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
-Dennis Miller
“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”
– Bridger Winegar
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
-Victor Borge
“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.”
-Tom Sims
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
-Bernard Manning
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
“Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas.”
– Melanie White
“Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas __ perhaps ___ means a little bit more!”
-Dr Seuss
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
-Bernard Manning
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”
-Shirley Temple
“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, “Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?”
-Jim Gaffigan
“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”
– Winston Spear
“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.”
-Dick Gregory
“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.”
-Anonymous
“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”
-Tom Armstrong
“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.”
-Louis C.K.
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”
– Andy Borowitz
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas, people being helped by people other than me.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
-Erma Bombeck
“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
-Arlo Guthrie
“Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it!”
-Lewis Black
“Christmas is a state of mind and that special feeling that only comes with an empty bank account.”
– Melanie White
“It snowed last year too, I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
-Dylan Thomas
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
-Joan Rivers
“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.”
-Anonymous
“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”
-Anthony Jeselnik
“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.”
-Guy Endore Kaiser
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
-Johnny Carson
“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”
-P.J. O’Rourke
“You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.”
-Robert Paul
“All New Years is to me is for taking down your dumb Christmas decorations. People who put up Christmas decorations, all they’re saying is, ‘Hey, we’re not Jews.”
-Rich Vos
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
-Johnny Carson
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
-Larry Wilde
“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life?
The elf and safety officer.”
-Catherine Tate
“I’ve had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, ‘No! No! This wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ Then if there’s a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.'”
-Marc Maron
“I don’t mind fruitcakes. They’re the one thing during the holidays I’m not tempted to eat.
-Melanie White
“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”
-Dave Barry
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.”
-Victor Borge
“I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
-Demetri Martin
“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.”
– Carol Nelson
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”
-Shirley Temple
“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.”
-Steven Wright
“My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.”
– Dave Barry
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