The term frenemy is used to describe “personal, geopolitical, and commercial relationships both among individuals and groups or institutions,” according to Collins Dictionary. Basically someone you can’t stand, but for whatever reason, you have to be cordial towards. Be it work, friends, or family, frenemies come in all shapes, sizes, and ages, yet they consistently make you want to bang your head against the wall until you lose consciousness.
But being proper people, we have to take the high road and focus more on the friend part than the enemy factor. Is said frenemy really that bad of a person? So bad that you can’t turn your shoulder and move on? Sometimes the answer is yes, and other times, it may be no. Regardless, frenemies are all around us and we have to learn how to properly handle them.
Tip #1: The Corporate Frenemy
Jared from Atlanta wrote me about his own personal hell: a corporate frenemy named April who works at a competitor to his company. He said the rivalry is worse than the Red Sox and Yankees, Ali and Forman, or Hulk Hogan and Andre The Giant. It’s one thing having to bid against her for contracts, but no matter what Jared did, he couldn’t avoid running into April at conferences or networking events. However, even though he despised her company and often lost jobs to her, he told her he didn’t hate her as a person. In fact, he told me, “To be honest, I have nothing against her other than us being competitors for literally everything. If I didn’t dislike her company so much, I think we’d actually be friends.” When I saw that, I thought, “Great! There is a glimmer of hope here!” But the more and more we chatted, Jared couldn’t help but bring it back to a key factor into why they are frenemies in the first place; at the end of the day, he and April will do whatever it takes to push the other out of a job to win the business. Yeesh. Now, that’s a hard thing to get over. I mean, unlike a friend, he’s not going to give a high five since she took money away from him, nor congratulate her on a big win. I understand and I’ve been in his shoes. Yet despite disliking my competition’s victories, I do think there is a way to handle the corporate frenemy with grace … and it doesn’t involve creating a Voodoo doll to their likeness and jabbing it with needles.
Bottom line, in business, there are no friends. Yes, you can be friendly, but when there is money and power involved, personal relationships can get murky. So, when dealing with corporate frenemies, don’t feel obligated to be super-invested in a long term friendship… just don’t burn bridges. That is key. As I wrote about burning bridges in REPLY ALL… And Other Ways To Tank Your Career, I mentioned no matter how much you loath someone (or their company) don’t be the one to light the match that burns the bridge. Here, with Jared and April, taking the “it’s just business” mentality is the best—and most mannerly option—to proceed with their “relationship” since neither has plans of finding another job. Granted he may not like working against her, but does he have to curse her name because she wins and he loses? Not at all. But he also doesn't have to be completely honest with her about his work either. If she asks how business is, Jared doesn’t need to go into detail to answer the question. As well, he isn’t responsible to for helping her further her career. He’s on his own and so is she. But with that, if they run into each other they don’t have to give the evil eye stare down like two teenagers. Smile, shake hands, and always remain cordial.
Tip #2: The Relationship Frenemy
Have you ever had a friend of your partner that you just can’t stand? I mean, someone that is just downright nasty and rude to the core who makes your life a living hell every time you’re around them? I have. We all have! And unlike the Corporate Frenemy, where you can dodge them when needed and not have to socialize, the Relationship Frenemy make their presence known. It’s like being at the beach, watching the waves role in, enjoying the sun on your face, and then seeing a seagull fly by and drop a number two right on your head. Just when you think things are going well, you get crapped on! Yup, dealing with The Corporate Frenemy is just like that. But what are you going to do? Not go to the beach because of some nasty seagulls? Nope. You also shouldn't not socialize with your partner’s other friends simply because one bad egg ruins it for everyone else. Knowing this, when things get to the point of going crazy, I recommend taking an alternate route over telling them how terrible they are. That’s not really proper, folks.
Instead of letting The Relationship Frenemy’s constant negativity get the best of you, deflect their negativity like Superman does with bullets. I know, I know. Advising someone to simply let abrasive words bounce right off of them sounds like something I tell my 8 year old. See, I can’t tell my daughter to lash out on said jerky kid, and you can’t ream out your partner’s friend either. See, The Relationship Frenemy can’t always help themselves from being a social pariah. They’ll claim they’re just being honest, by “speaking their mind” but they’re intentionally trying to be nosey and malicious. I find it easiest when I just understand that The Relationship Frenemy is a terrible person. They know it too. Seriously. I’m not being mean—I’m being helpful to my friends in Mannerly Nation. The Relationship Frenemy doesn’t like to see people (like you and your partner) happy, so to stop on that, they’ll do whatever they can to ruin it; rude comments, acting selfish, etc. When you can make peace with this fact, use this point as the roadblock to stop you from going insane.
Since you don’t need The Relationship Frenemy’s comments, you shouldn’t go out of your way to embrace them as a friend or take stock in their feelings. Like in Tip #1, be civil, be proper (of course) since breaking the relationship may cause trouble in the house, but don’t tolerate it. Instead, try not to sneakily make plans without The Relationship Frenemy involved. Or, if you’re stuck having to invite them, make sure The Relationship Frenemy is not in your immediate area. Simply put: out of sight, out of mind.
Tip #3: The Family Frenemy
You know the son“Why can't we be friends?” It was dedicated to sticky situations where your beefing (as the kids say) with someone gets to the point where you throw your hands up in the air and just call a truce. It’s a simple song that means so much but sadly, having to put up with The Family Frenemy is anything I’d call easy. Unmannerly family members are always the hardest to deal with because they’re always around. Like forever! Unlike The Corporate Frenemy, who may get another job, or the The Relationship Frenemy, who may move away, The Family Frenemy is like a revolving door of ignorant comments and accusations. It’s honestly a no-win situation.
The wonky thing about The Family Frenemy is that they always seem to get a free pass because they’re family. This part kills me. I mean, why should a rude family member be “allowed” to say rude things or display unmannerly behavior just because they’re related to you? If anything, it will just deepen that divide, and I for one do not feel being family means you get an automatic greenlight. If anything, it should be the opposite. Family is supposed to be supportive. Yes, they can be more honest, but that doesn’t mean they get to be vicious. When it comes to dealing with The Family Frenemy, you have two options: ignore them for the rest of your life, or let them know how you feel. I highly recommend the latter. For one, when you’re an adult, and have your own life, it’s an even playing field. You may have had to tolerate it when you were in your teens, but as an adult? Heck no! It’s proper to stand up and throw it back at them, and do so with an exclamation point. Don’t curse or stomp your feet, but stand your ground. If they try to poke fun at you, or discount your decisions, tell them where you stand and that you don’t like it. Challenge them. Ask them why they are so intent on sharing their ignorant views or continue to push people around. I mean, after all, you can play the “I’m family” card too.
As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.com. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.
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