One of the most challenging aspects of parenthood is dealing with a fresh child who engages in back talk. A typical scenario might be that you’re getting ready to leave the park to head home for dinner and your 8-year old spews forth a zinger like, “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll tell you when I feel like going home, got it?” Excuse Me! Whether this scenario hits home or you’re shaking your head right now thinking your darling angel would never give you lip, unfortunately, it's more common than you think.
Back talk and the power struggles that follow are common, but that doesn’t make them any less draining and frustrating for you—especially if your child mouths off to you in public.
"The reasons for back talk are as varied as the personalities of the children who use it," writes Jim Bozigar, head of community outreach at Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh, who runs a back-talk workshop for parents, on familyeducation.com. "The child could be hungry, tired, or in a transitional period. But children who talk back usually do have one thing in common: They're trying to separate from their parents and exercise control over their lives."
"When a child talks back, what he's really expressing is anger, frustration, fear, or hurt," writes Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline, on babycenter.com. "Talking back guarantees your attention, and some attention is better than none."
Don’t lose your cool and end up in a shouting match when you are up against a child who engages in foul back talk, there are better ways to handle the situation. Mighty Mommy has 5 surefire ways to curb back talk and elicit sweeter nothings instead.
Tip #1: Never Assume the Reason Behind a Child's Bad Behavior
Your child’s defiant behavior is actually the symptom of the actual problem. Don’t guess or assume that your child is delivering nasty zingers and back talk based on what you see. If your son is belligerent towards you when he returns from school, it might not be that he hates algebra and is taking it out on you. Maybe he’s finding it hard to make friends and is feeling like an outcast. That doesn’t excuse his poor behavior, but when he’s in the comfort of his own home, he can let his guard down and therefore targets his frustration toward those closest to him—usually his parents and siblings.
Try tracking your child’s behavior for a short period of time and notice what situations or feelings seem to trigger the aggression or defiant outbursts. If you notice a pattern where he’s unloading his anger every day after school, once he calms down later that evening, ask him if you can talk about what you’ve noticed. “Hey, it’s pretty obvious that when you get home from school, you’re miserable, and you’re taking it out on Dad and me. What's up? How can we help you?” He may completely ignore your attempt, but if you start from a place of trying to understand what’s going on, you’re letting him know that you care and that you want to help him—rather than just casting blame.
Tip #2: Set House Rules and Enforce Consequences
Set very clear rules for your house, and set up very clear consequences for any child who chooses to test them, including sassing off with back talk. You don’t have to be overly harsh or strict, you simply need to stick with the limits you put in place.
Quick and Dirty Tips' Savvy Psychologist, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, recommended the following strategy in How to Effectively Impose Consequences for Bad Behavior:
Set a consequence and an incentive he actually cares about. A note about punishment: there is increasing evidence that punishment doesn’t work and instead either pushes the bad behavior underground or leads to worse behavior.
Tip #3: Keep Your Calm On
Sometimes back talk is simply a way that your child wants to get a rise out of you. If you want to nip it in the bud, remain calm and simply say, “I feel hurt by the way you’re talking to me. When I hear that tone of voice, I’m going to walk away. We can talk again when you can speak respectfully to me.” Then walk away.
Sometimes back talk is simply a way that your child wants to get a rise out of you.
The key here is to be consistent. You need to remain calm each time the back talking takes place and quietly leave the room. As tempting as it might be to raise your voice or go right back at your child with negative words, this strategy will never be helpful without consistency. Next time it happens, there’s no need for even a warning—simply leave the room. You’re sending the message that you refuse to participate in a power struggle. And when there’s no one to fight with, there’s no fight!
Tip #4: Be Compassionate, Not Forceful
No one likes to be told what to do. And yet research shows that the average parent gives dozens of orders every day, most in a negative tone. If your child is continually challenging you, consider how you can help him or her tackle more responsibility, instead of making him or her feel bossed around.
Some suggestions on how you can confront bad behavior with compassion rather than force are:
Stop, let it go, and breathe. ince your buttons are pushed, you need to get calm before you address the back talk.
Reinforce your expectation about the standard of respect in your family: "You know we don't speak to each other that way in this house."
Give your child a chance to correct himself while you reopen communication: "I know you didn't mean to be disrespectful. I do want to hear what you have to say. Can we try a do-over?"
Stay compassionate. Say "Ouch! That was pretty rude...You must really be angry to speak to me that way. I try to always speak respectfully to you. What's going on?"
Tip #5: Be Affectionate Often
When a child hears phrases like “I love you,” or “How’s it going?” or notices that you stopped what you’re doing when she enters the room and smile, it means the world. And even though they would never admit it, the same goes for teens and college aged kids too. When you display affection to your kids and other family members, you’re validating to them how important they are to you, which sends the best positive message you could ever deliver. This type of action is like filling your child’s emotional bank account. The more deposits you make, the more positive energy your child will have and won’t want to mouth off as often because she knows it’s going to be like making a withdrawal on her account.
See also: 7 Ways to Build Your Teen’s Self Esteem
How do you curb back talk in your home?
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