Today’s topic is the funny case of a special kind of if-clause, which is also a conditional mood construction. It’s special because where we expect that one part of the sentence must be true in order for the other part to be true, it logically can’t be so. When taken literally or interpreted as the unintended non-sequitur, these constructions can be funny. For example, a comedian named Demetri Martin once joked about a shop clerk who led him to the changing room having a conditional identity because she said, “If you need anything, I’m Jill.” (6). Yet, we hear people say similar sentences a lot. To understand more about them, let’s first define the regular conditional mood and the if-clause, and then come back to this quirky type at the end.
The Conditional Mood Is Expressed with Modal Auxiliary Verbs
A language mood is like an attitude that is expressed with grammar or with words, and the conditional mood expresses probability, possibility, and also the fact that some things cause or lead to other things. To express it, we use modal auxiliary verbs like would, should, and could. (7) For example,
(1) Kindness should be rewarded.
That one expresses an opinion. Another example is
(2) We could take the day off today.
That one expresses possibility, or an option. Other modals, such as may and can are also used to express varying degrees of possibility in conditional mood sentences. (5) The modal might is used to express the potential or ability of the subject of the sentence, like “Noelle might join us,” which makes sense when you think of the relationship to the old-fashioned meaning of “might” to mean “power” (like the old idiom “with might and main”).
In contrast, regular, default sentences, meaning sentences that are not in any mood, and instead simply state facts or questions, are referred to as being in the “indicative mood.” (7) You can read more about conditionals here, and more about modals here.
Conditional Modals Are Often Found in If-Clauses
The if-clause is a construction we often use to express the conditional mood. An if-clause is a subordinate clause, also called a dependent clause; that means that it is a sentence piece that only makes sense with an independent clause attached to it, either before it or after it. There are three main types of if-clauses, which are the most standardized, so we’ll go over those first. (By the way: All if-clauses can appear before or after the independent clauses they are matched up with. You can reverse the order of the clauses in any of the examples in this article, putting the independent clause first, and removing the comma.)
The first one is often called a “future conditional,” and it is formed with the simple present tense plus the future tense, like this:
(3) If Noelle studies, she will pass her exams.
The future-tense clause makes a prediction, but it is contingent upon the possible situation in the if-clause. Neither clause can be evaluated as true or false, but both could potentially happen.
The second type is sometimes called a “hypothetical conditional,” or “unreal conditional,” and is formed with the simple past tense plus the conditional modal construction, like this:
(4) If Noelle studied, she would pass her exams.
Neither clause can really be evaluated as true or false, as neither one is set in stone. However, hypothetically, the conditional clause would be contingent upon the if-clause to come true. We could elaborate on this idea with something like, “but she doesn’t (study), so she won’t (pass her exams).” Also notice that the if-clause implies that the opposite of what it says is true: the speaker observes Noelle’s general state of being “a non-studier.”
(One side tip about this conditional if-clause type is that, for formal writing, it is preferable to use the plural form of the verb “to be” for the past-tense part, regardless of whether the subject is plural or not, like this:
(5) If I were rich, I would buy a house.
However, in casual writing and conversation, you will see and hear many native English speakers say “If I was rich,” instead.)
The third type is called a past hypothetical conditional, and is formed with the past perfect tense—a less-frequently used tense that is also called “pluperfect”—plus the past conditional construction, like this:
(6) If Noelle had studied, she would have passed her exams.
This one we could follow up with something like, “but she didn’t (study), so she didn’t (pass her exams).” Again, neither clause is really true or false, and, it is “too late,” for that passed period of time, for either one to be fulfilled. However, the past possibility of the independent clause would have been contingent upon the if-clause.
Other Tense Pairings in If-Clauses
Although these three are recognized as the most standard if-clauses, there are other interesting ways to construct if-clauses too. One is using the simple present in both clauses. For example, you can use if to express that one situation not only causes another, but that it always does so, such as when explaining physical properties, like this:
(7) If you water plants too much, they die.
Some grammarians call this the “Zero Conditional.” (1) Also, note that the second clause relies on the condition outlined in the first clause. The plants only die if you water them too much. This kind of sentence may be less common, because the if means the same thing as when, and using when can seem more natural, at least for some English speakers (“When you water plants too much, they die”). Alternatively, using the first type of if-clause we mentioned (“If you water plants too much, they will die”) may seem more natural to many people.
We had an article a few years ago that talked about how many speakers use simple past tense instead of pluperfect when they use the past hypothetical conditional, and it includes an example of yet another tense combination, which is simple present plus present progressive:
(8) If Squiggly knows the answer, he isn’t saying.
In that one, the second clause still expresses something that relies on the if-clause being true.
Some Conditional Clauses Are Always True
We can now return to today’s topic, which is another exception to the tense pairings in the three traditional types of if-clauses, and which, as we saw at the beginning, has an independent clause that is not contingent upon the if-clause, such as this example:
(9) If you are interested in the workshop, there is a flier attached with more information.
This one is unusual because whether or not the if-clause is true, the independent clause expresses a continuously true state. The flier is attached whether anyone is interested or not. In fact, you could express that with various past tenses too, like this:
(10) If you are interested in taking the workshop, I attached a flier to this e-mail.
That past-tense part simply expresses the state of the flier, in that it is attached to the email.
Linguist Mark Liberman says this type of sentence is often called a “relevance conditional.” He explains that the if-clause being true is not necessary for the independent clause to be true; rather, context, or “conversational relevance,” triggers a relationship between the two clauses. (3) Another theory is that there are words omitted from the independent clause, but still implied. For example:
(11) If you are interested in taking the workshop, [you will also be interested to know that] I attached a flier to this e-mail.
That shop clerk’s sentence could be explained like this: “If you need any help, [it will be relevant for you to know that] my name is Jill.” Other linguists call these “biscuit conditionals,” because of this British English example, which is oft-repeated in the linguistic community:
(12) There are biscuits in the cupboard if you want them.
The order of the clauses happens to be reversed in this example (hence the absent comma), and it has that same funny reading, which is that the independent clause is true regardless of whether the if-clause is true. So next time you hear this construction, you can choose to observe it in quiet, or joke back, by saying: “And what if I do not want any? Where are the biscuits then?” (4)
That piece was written by Syelle Graves, who is a linguist and professor at the City University of New York at LaGuardia Community College. http://syellegraves.ws.gc.cuny.edu/
References
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Demitri Martin. The Guardian.com http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2005/aug/25/comedy.edinburghfestival2005 (accessed March 22, 2015).
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Liberman, M. (2009). If you think about it. Language Log. http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=1469 (accessed March 22, 2015).
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Wisniewska, I., Riggenbach, H., & Samuda, V. (2007). Grammar Dimensions 2. Ed. D. Larsen-Freeman. Boston: Cengage.
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